How can I love myself?

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    Thanks everyone for your replies.

    I’ve gone really far backwards after making this thread. I don’t know if I should start a new one. I was feeling quite good and optimistic when I started it, and going out regularly, but over the past 3-4 months I’ve stopped going out and I can no longer see a therapist as I missed too many appointments.

    I need to do what you’ve suggested, Jeena.

    I don’t know what else to do. I’ve undone most the progress I’ve made this year and feel very disheartened. I know I just need to get back to it but all my motivation is gone and my positivity and everything has just gone, I can hardly believe it was there in the first place!


    Dear norit:

    Welcome back to your own thread. It is interesting how we view our experience in life by comparison: today you wrote that when you started this thread you felt “quite good and optimistic”- so I went back to your first post on the thread and although you did express hope in there, you also wrote there: “I’m 25 and suffer from anxiety, depression, and recovering from agoraphobia. I have very little self worth…I feel so empty in regards to myself. I hate myself.”

    In comparison, you must be feeling worse today, but feeling “good and optimistic” is far from what you felt then. When I view my past I also view it by comparison- what felt better than before or now seems really good.

    I am sorry that you are feeling worse. Still living with your parents, then? Your mother still drinking and your father angry at her and you are caught there in this undesirable situation?

    A new attitude, a motivation that you had on your first post here cannot last and last unless you make changes in your actual living situation. What are the chances of you moving out at this point?



    Dear Anita,

    You’re right.. I think I feel good and optimistic at some point. Things definitely felt like the were looking up for a short time since starting this thread. I realise I was also thinking since beginning of 2016, a lot has changed. It’s been a very positive and eye opening year, and I’ve come a long way, was going out much more, and even thinking ahead (and not worrying!), and now it feels like I’m back where I was 12 months ago, stuck and not really moving forward.

    Still living with parents, yes. My mother’s addictions are getting worse I believe, and there are daily arguments between the rest of the family. I don’t think I’ll be able to move out soon because, although as undesirable the situation is, I no longer feel the desparate drive I did feel to ‘escape’. I just feel very guilty and think mum will get worse if I leave. I don’t want to make things worse.
    In order to move out I’d also need to start going out more again. Honestly I’ve just lost all my drive and feel quite hopeless. 🙁


    Dear norit:

    You wrote that you “feel very guilty and think mum will get worse if I leave”- and yet, you got worse. You are back where you were 12 months ago, stuck. And on top of it, you wrote that your mother’s addictions are getting worse.

    Your plan has been basically to stay home with your parents so that your mother doesn’t get worse. The results of the plans are two:

    1. You got worse.
    2. Your mother got worse.

    No wonder you lost your drive and you feel quite hopeless- this plan achieved just that and continues to achieve the same. Need a different plan, norit. Need a plan that will achieve a different result.

    About the different plan…?



    Dear anita,

    I know this is stupid, but I’m deeply afraid about doing all of this by myself. But then I guess everyone is when moving out or doing something unknown for the first time? It just feels like a big thing that I don’t know anything about. And moving out is only going to give me a bunch of new things to be anxious about on top of what I’m worried about now. Things will still get worse.

    Is it possible to start feeling better from home?

    Are these stupid questions. I feel so ashamed about everything. I’m sorry for posting here.


    Dear norit:

    Your questions are not stupid. I don’t think there is such a thing as a stupid question. I wish you don’t feel shame about posting here.

    You are afraid to leave home, and that is okay. You don’t have to leave. One day, maybe. It will be better for you when you do leave, when you are ready, not before.

    “Is it possible to start feeling better (away) from home?” Yes. It is possible to feel much better. But it is also scary, to leave what you are familiar with, what you are used to, what feels safe.

    Please do post again. I feel sad at the thought that you may not post again. I will be happy if you do. I wish you do post again.

    “How can I love myself?” (title of thread): Let me know how you feel about what I write to you- if it scared you that I suggested you moving-out, let me know so that I will not mention it again.



    Dear Norit,

    I know how you feel because I was afraid of going out and meeting new people. But I`ve changed and overcome that fear, and I just want to say – yes, it is possible to change and never feel that way again.

    I will be short in my answer here and just want to give you this article that might help you somehow. Actually, I will be glad if you find something in it which you`ll implement in your life.

    Here it is: http://wanderside.com/how-i-overcame-depression-and-i-know-ill-never-go-back-there/

    And, of course, let me know your thoughts.

    Big hug for you.


    Dear anita,

    Thank you for saying that. I want to keep posting, I just feel guilty in doing so and that anything I say sounds stupid and annoying. I think that’s my anxiety talking so I need to keep trying.
    Please suggest whatever you feel fit – considering moving out is scary, but I need to keep talking about it and keep it as an option.

    I got some more bad news today. Because I’m no longer able to see the therapist, I’m no longer able to receieve help from the rest of the mental health team and will probably be referred to something else. I’ve been with them for many years and they’ve helped me with exposure therapy and started to make me feel like I had a future. This has happened so suddenly, I feel so shocked. While I’m able to handle my anxiety better, I still struggle to go out and feel like I have a million issues I’ve not solved. I don’t know how to change this now. I can’t stop crying. They helped so much with my isolation. A few months ago my plans were to see the psychologist, alongside them helping me be more social, and to move out. I’ll find out next week whether the socialising will still be an option but probably not. I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid I’m going to go even more backwards. I need to make a new plan of action but I feel overwhelmed by panic hopelessness. I keep beating myself up for everything and don’t know how to stop.
    I know I need to sort things out by myself now but what’s the point?


    Dear LovelyBlue,

    I’m in a bit of a bad space and will aim to give a more competent reply, but just wanted to thank you for sharing own experiences with me and for linking the article. I’m glad to hear you’ve overcome it and hope you are feeling better in yourself.


    Dear norit:

    Your thread is the first thread I opened this morning because I felt relieved and pleased that you did post again. Please calm down best you can, and do your best to not beat yourself up.

    The thing with ongoing excessive fear, anxiety, is that you suffered from it, norit, for so long and you survived it. This is a proof that anxiety, no matter how dangerous it feels, is survivable. When you feel it, remember: you survived it so far. It FEELS deadly but in itself, those feelings, are not deadly: Millions of people suffer severe anxiety and live to old age.

    Breathe, calm yourself, one moment, one hour at a time, one day at a time. What is the point, you asked. Well, do tell me- when you were hopeful, in the past, what was the point for you then; what were your hopes and dreams?



    Thank you for replying again, anita. I’m a bit calmer now. Sorry for replying when I was so worked up.

    When I was younger I never thought about my own hopes for the future because my plans were suicidal, and I thought I was just existing for my mum’s benefit. My dreams were things like going into acting, travelling, experiencing life to the full, and surrounding myself with lovely people, and hopefully becoming a lovely person who likes herself. More recently, when feeling better within myself, I hoped to go back into education, and study something. I never took my studies seriously when I was younger, and the idea of applying myself to something and working hard is very appealing.

    I recognise they are point of motvation in themselves, but I still, ultimately, just don’t see any point in anything?


    Dear norit:

    It is okay for you to post when you feel badly, or worked up- if it helps you, please do. You are welcome here, on your own thread, anytime, no matter how you feel.

    Regarding not seeing the point in anything, that is, in living, here are my thoughts this late morning:

    There is no point to living a life FOR someone else, as a sacrifice. “Born to be Free”- is to live your OWN life, for yourself. If you are unimportant, in your own mind, that does make life meaningless.

    Your mother is living her life; your father is living his life. And you are just there much of the time, like a two dimensional wall paper- am I correct?

    Living your own life is like developing that third dimensional. So my answer today to What-is-the-point and to “How can I love myself?” (the title of your thread) is to develop that third dimension of you.

    The third dimension does not belong to anyone but you.



    I am sorry to hear you are going through this tough time…

    I have a few thoughts that may help. First of all nothing is wrong with you PERIDO. I suffer from anxiety too and it really is just your brain playing tricks on you. I have taken medication in the past that triggered my anxiety and made it worse so I know it wasn’t me it was just the medication which I am now off!

    As for loving yourself I think it is kind of interesting because there are so many different ways. I.e some people love their body but hate their mental state or vise versa. There are tons of areas of you that can be loved in different ways. A good idea would be to take a peice of paper or google doc and make little categories of things to love about yourself and when you are feeling down you can read it as a reminder!!


    1. Write out a list of things you appreciate about yourself

    This can be a very difficult step to take. People are so used to wallowing in a pit of despair that they can EASILY fire off a list of complaints they have about themselves.

    Ask most people what they like about themselves and they will stare at you with a blank confused look while they THINK about the good stuff mustering up one or two positive qualities.

    Don’t get frustrated when the good qualities don’t come easily to mind. It takes time to meditate on what you love about yourself but it will come to you.

    This is a crucial step to take, without finding out and actively appreciating yourself, how will anyone else?

    2. Make the choice to love yourself

    Everything in life is a choice and so is this one

    3. Stop beating yourself up and ignore the thoughts

    The mind/ego is a duality self loathing machine. It will constantly tell you that you are fatter and dumber than you really are. It does this to keep you halfway between suicide and happiness in order to continue its survival.

    YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. You are not your thoughts any more than you are your muscles or skin. People often identify with how they look and I like to think that I’m more than a bone structure and the skin that covers it. You’ll never hear anyone get upset and say they are losing a part of themselves when their skin sheds and becomes dust.

    The mind wont stop chattering away so make the choice to either engage in these thoughts or not. Most of the thoughts that your mind produces will not be based in reality at all.

    An example of this would be a perfect ten model who thinks she’s fat. Everyone around her could tell her that she’s not but her ego will repeat this thought over and over. She isn’t actually fat, but she believes it to be true because she is identifying with the mind.

    Ignore the thoughts that your mind produces. This can be very difficult. It takes time to master ignoring the negative mind thoughts.

    4. Don’t use affirmations except this one

    As I mentioned before the mind is a duality machine. If you take an affirmation like “I am great and all women love me” the mind will instantly produce the opposite. It will say “I suck and women hate me.” The first affirmation will make you feel high, feeling good for a little while until the duality kicks in and you crash with returning sadness.

    “I love and accept myself completely just the way I am” will not induce the duality the mind makes because it is a universal truth that is self evident.

    Next time you are feeling the temptation to buy into the mind when it says you are a loser, say “I love and accept myself completely the way I am” and notice how peaceful you will feel. It might take a couple of times repeating it until the peace sets in.

    At first it might seem like you are lying but eventually loving yourself will become automatic.

    5. Become honest with yourself

    Now that you have taken a look at the good stuff it’s time to look at the “bad stuff.” Recognizing the things you consider bad about yourself isn’t the same as talking yourself down. When you take a trip into your own world don’t make judgments about the “bad stuff.” Don’t tell yourself ” I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I shouldn’t behave this way.” Just look at it the best you can without attaching a label to it.

    Honesty will bring awareness into your “issues.” When you are aware of something it no longer has the ability to control you.

    6. Forgive yourself

    In order to forgive yourself for the “mistakes” you have made in the past you must first learn the lessons needed from them.

    Mistakes happen and we make them in order to learn and grow. They are truly a beautiful thing.

    7. Treat yourself nicely

    -Buy nice clothes

    -treat yourself to good foods

    -buy good wine



    -don’t work too hard

    -don’t worry about life too much

    -buy yourself an animal. It will help you to open up and feel more love in your life having an animal get extremely excited even though it just saw you ten seconds ago. (look at the picture at the top)

    8. Don’t take crap from people

    Quote from my blog

    “Whenever we give our power away to others and take crap from them, it closes our hearts and causes us to pull back. It’s painful to be open with someone and have them take advantage of us or treat us not so nicely.”

    Truly loving yourself means that you love yourself so much so to not let anyone disrespect you or treat you badly.

    9. Push past your fears

    Fear is only a product of the ego and the ego hates you. Its not your enemy to loath because its only doing what it knows how to do. Fear is an illusion that the ego uses to keep you nice and controlled. You find out that fear isn’t real after you push past it. The most common response after plowing through a fear is “well, that wasn’t so bad.”

    Pushing past your fears and having the courage to do so will help lessen the egos self loathing control over you. It will build more confidence as well as help you love yourself more because loving yourself is your natural state buried underneath the ego.



    Hi Norit, I have read all of this forum and I just want to say thank you for sharing. If sometimes you feel it didn’t help anything to write on here just know any little step helps. Also, you writing on here can help others that think they are suffering through the same things your suffering through alone, actually see they are not alone.

    I find this forum is very helpful in getting advice but the problem with all this information and advice being given to you all at once is that its hard when one is feeling overwhelmed to actually see any of it as helpful to them.

    Most of us know what we need to do to improve our lives but we just don’t do it. We need support, system and accountability. We need support to help gear us to positive thoughts and to acknowledge when we fall. We need a system to really plan out in steps how to change our negative behaviours and habits and put it into action, and we need accountability to make sure we are actively choosing everyday to make a positive change in our lives.

    I am currently in school to become a health/life coach and it is required of us to reach out to clients and have gift them with our Breakthrough sessions which is an initial conversation where you get background on the client and figure out what really stops them from overcoming their struggles. We also dig deep and identify what goals you have for yourself and how to achieve them.

    I do not want to just throw advice at you from online at a computer screen. To really connect we have to be able to talk more personally and privately. I am not trying to sell anything to you! It appears to me you have lost your way a little on how to become this loving productive human being that you want to become and I just want to try and help you get there. If any of this sounds helpful to you please send me a reply and we will talk further on how to get connected more privately in order to have a 1-on-1 conversation about what is happening in your life.

    PS. I am not asking to meet me live or even on a video chat, nothing creepy because I am aware you do not know me. I am asking you to have an actual conversation through audio calls via Facebook possibly or Skype whatever works so that we can get you headed on the right path to where you want to be.

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