December 2, 2016 at 5:50 pm #121764
I wanted to reply sooner, but I’ve been uncertain of what to say. Thank you for replying once again. I see what you’re saying about a third dimension. Is this something most people go through when becoming an adult, or is more obvious in myself since I’ve been so dependent on my parents lives rather than living my own? Or both? I do not know how to make myself important in my own mind.
In regards to my parents – sort of wallpaper, yes. Mum is sort of codependent, obsessing over how others or myself live our lives, and whether it’s right or wrong in her point of view, and doesn’t seem recognise my own feelings or listen to me really. I don’t know a better word than codependent so will use that for now!
noritDecember 2, 2016 at 5:53 pm #121765
Thank you for your reply! I’m glad to hear you’re off the meds that made you worse. As happymoon said in his post below, finding aspects about myself to write a list of has proven to be difficult and I am struggling to find anything, but I hope things will come over time. 🙂
Thank you for your suggestions!December 2, 2016 at 5:57 pm #121766
Firstly, thank you reading the forum. I’m amazed you have, I imagine it’s mostly me whinging and not very interesting!
I also read your thread, and am interested in talking further. However, I haven’t got a good microphone at present for voice chats, nor the privacy in my home to talk about the sensitive matters, or even confidence to talk out aloud most of the time! Would typing on skype be any good?
Thank you for your time,
noritDecember 2, 2016 at 6:21 pm #121768AnonymousGuest
Any time you post is fine. The third dimension I mentioned in my last post to you is something you had when you were a young child but it was taken away from you by your parents. When they ignored your feelings, your awareness of your feelings dried out, from lack of attention and validation by your parents. They taught you that what they feel matters and what you feel doesn’t. So you ignored your own feelings, figuring they really don’t matter.
But you need your feelings, you need to be aware of them so to be healthy and live a good life. And so, the third dimension is becoming aware of your feelings. You are aware of anxiety and depression, but these are not simple feelings, they are a whole lot of feelings scrambled in a mass or a mess, and those simple feelings need to be untangled and freed.
An example of a simple feeling (inside that mass of depression) would be a feeling of hurt when you tried to help your mother and instead of appreciating it, she ignored your efforts, once again.
To get in touch with your simple feelings and so, develop that third dimension, competent psychotherapist will help, a support group perhaps (free), a place with people where you feel safe to express your feelings.
Of course, you are welcome here, anytime.
anitaDecember 2, 2016 at 9:41 pm #121787
TPractising here would be helpful. Talking to a psychotherapist isn’t an option currently.
I usually overthink what I’m feeling, or expect myself to feel something different to what I actually feel, or tell myself I’m feeling a certain way when I’m not.
So with practise, these habits will go and I will recognise easily what I’m feeling?
I think that made even less sense than usual, please forgive me it’s 5am and I can’t sleep. 😛December 3, 2016 at 12:27 pm #121824AnonymousGuest
You are making sense to me. Overthinking, expecting to feel any certain way.. these are part of that tangled mass and mess I mentioned. Pay attention, be Mindful, ‘catch” yourself experiencing a feeling or a sensation, like enjoying a particular food, and say to yourself: this is the sensation of pleasure! Catch yourself feeling sleepy and say to yourself: this is the sensation of sleepiness, and so on.
Pay attention and you will learn. The practice is the paying of attention.
anitaDecember 4, 2016 at 2:35 pm #121913
I’m worried, because I question and don’t trust myself. I always end up thinking “what if I don’t actually feel that way” or “I shouldn’t feel that way”.December 4, 2016 at 6:10 pm #121922AnonymousGuest
It is confusing and distressing to not let yourself just be, just feel. It is distressing to be questioning yourself like you do. Do you question every feeling/ body sensation, including pleasure of eating? Sleepiness? Anger, hurt, sadness… every feeling?
anitaDecember 4, 2016 at 6:24 pm #121924
Not everything all the time, but often yes. I don’t question sleepiness as that’s also physical so it’s clear I’m feeling very sleepy. If I’m angry I don’t doubt that I’m angry. Happy feelings and my anxiety are usually the ones I question or doubt. I think. Im a bit muddled.December 4, 2016 at 6:45 pm #121928AnonymousGuest
Patiently, gently, notice when you feel this or that, be it a physical sensation or a feeling, and say to yourself: I feel this; I feel that. Just notice. It is the practice of Mindfulness that I learned in therapy. Right now I feel tired (physical sensation) and a bit sad. Underneath I feel a bit anxious. This is what I feel now. A bit too full (physical sensation). I am looking forward to going to sleep, hoping to feel better tomorrow.
Share anytime, like I just did, what you feel.
anitaDecember 4, 2016 at 7:03 pm #121930
But what if I’m wrong about what I’m feeling? Or if I don’t know? 🙁
Thank you for your continued help. I’m so grateful.December 4, 2016 at 7:12 pm #121931AnonymousGuest
You are welcome, I would like very much to help you and will continue to try for as long as you are willing to have me try.
If you are wrong about what you are feeling, if you don’t know- it’s okay. You are still okay. You don’t have to know and you don’t have to be sure.
I accept you as you are, unsure and not knowing. No punishment for not knowing.
This is what I mean by being gentle with yourself- do not punish yourself for any reason. No matter what- be kind to yourself as if you were still (and in a way, you are) a little girl, afraid, unsure- don’t be mean to her. Take her hand and tell her it is OKAY, that she is okay and that you will keep holding her hand, no matter what. You will never leave her, never punish her.
anitaDecember 18, 2016 at 4:42 pm #122980
I’ve been trying to, but I feel like i should be punished. I’m not sure why? I just want to shout and rage at myself all the time.
Whenever anyone (or I) says anything nice to me, my first instinct is to tell them to stop. I’ve been trying to accept it gracefully and calmly, but instead I get emotional.
On a positive note, I went to a group therapy into session. It’s based on ACT. It was terrifying but I did it!December 18, 2016 at 6:09 pm #122982
Oh, and also.. thank you, anita. It’s overwhelming, hearing someone say they accept me, and that you’d like to keep talking. I’d like that too. 🙂December 18, 2016 at 6:29 pm #122986AnonymousGuest
Good, then let us keep talking! I am glad. I really am.
About your post earlier, congratulations for attending group therapy, assuming it is competent therapy!
I understand: you feel and believe that you deserve punishment. It is a belief. I remember I had a dream when I was a child, that I was flying, like a bird. I didn’t know at the time that it was a dream. It felt so wonderful, so real. I felt so alive, flying in the light blue sky, passing through fluffy white clouds. For a long time, I believed that I really did. It felt so real.
I didn’t fly- it didn’t happen even though it felt so real and so true
In a similar way, no matter how real it feels to you that you deserve punishment; no matter how deeply you believe it- you do not deserve punishment. As a matter of fact, you deserve to feel good, you deserve to be accepted, appreciated and cared for.
Can you think of examples of people believing something to be real and true, being sure of it, feeling it deeply… and yet what they believe is definitely NOT true?