Dear anita,

today I looked at another room. It went well, but I also was a little nervous. I think if I try to talk to people, it usually is o.K. I just have this resistance meeting new people, a voice in me that tells me to run away and hide and that it will be so much more relaxing to be by myself…

But maybe it could be a good experience to live with two roommates, maybe I could learn new things! I don’t know if they will want me, as they are meeting two more people that are interested. But I found them likable and think it could be a match… I will find out in the next days.

At least nothing crazy happened, but I said that I also need time for myself and that too many activities together wouldn’t be for me. (But seemingly they don’t do this anyways!) Hopefully it didn’t sound too weird. I also said that I would like to talk to them when meeting them in the kitchen and that it would make me feel more comfortable.

I want to commit to the goals I mentioned above, I want to be a good roommate.. I don’t want to be dramatic or cause problems. At the moment I am doubting myself in my ability to be a good roommate, as I feel I didn’t do so well at the dormitory. But I have to remind myself of my good qualities and if I don’t rush into a relationship again, I will more stable.

You are right, others also have their imperfections and problems. I want to work on seeing others as equal, it seems far more healthy! And I already believe in treating everyone equally and with respect. So I should also treat myself with respect, which is the hardest for me.

And sometimes it’s enough that someone looks at me in a weird way, I become insecure and feel like I did something wrong. But I want to stop that, nobody can read anyone’s mind and it just makes me miserable and behave more awkwardly… I want to work on becoming more secure and become o.K. with myself.

Dear anita,

you are right, I have to repeat it to myself. Try to look for logical explanations instead of feeding into my fearful thoughts. And it will take time.

I am starting to feel more stable again after everything with K. is over for a while now. The feeling of severe anxiety is gone. Of course, I am still a person that worries a lot.

Along the way, I think I learned something. The most important thing is not to rush into anything and take my time. Take time to get to know people, so I will feel comfortable with them. Never do anything that I’m not ready to do just to please others… Listen to my own feelings.

And when I move out of the dormitory, I will hopefully feel even more better. Even though I am disappointed in myself, that I couldn’t solve the problem and hid myself instead. Right now, I don’t know how to behave when I meet the people that live here. I feel very weird, but maybe, like you said, I should stop telling that to myself. Maybe I should just say “hello” to them, regardless of their reaction. Maybe I should do it for myself. My therapist said something like that and it seems like a good idea. To not look for answers or approval outside, but seek it inside me.

Dear anita,

I think that I am reasonable in my core. Only when stressed I can have some crazy thoughts and I worry too much about what others think.

It is the same with my roommates. You are right that it doesn’t matter. But somehow, since my childhood, I was always afraid of what others think. I remember wishing to know what people thought of me. Now I think it’s best not to know and it’s none of my business. The most important thing is what I think about myself! And sadly, I have been very harsh to myself for a long time! But I want to change that. And maybe I will want to make a zine and write an article about the inner critic and how to overcome it and illustrate it. Would you be o.K. with me using some tips mentioned in our threads? But I will probably have to read more about the topic.

Today I looked at another room, but it was awkward. When I left and after they had closed the door behind me, I heard them burst out laughing. I don’t think that I said something too weird or out of the ordinary. Maybe I was a little awkward. I bumped my head against the wall, when putting on my shoes, but that’s it. But o.K., I didn’t find them very welcoming, we didn’t even sit down to get to know each other. It all went very quick. They overall seemed nice, but maybe it’s just not a match.

Hopefully I will find something soon. I always become nervous before the meetings. Then most people say “I could have imagined living with you, but I found someone who was a better match”. But I guess that’s just the way it is. It’s difficult to find a room in this city at a reasonable price (I even find the cheaper ones too expensive, to be honest. But it’s not comparable to eastern Germany I guess). Thankfully I still have some time left.

Dear anita,

thank you! I want to start working on that zine next week, when I have more time. There are so many ideas that I have, I just have to realize them!

Yesterday, I think I presented myself as I was. I said that I need some time for myself. And I think it is what they want too. They seem to be working a lot, almost never being at home. But maybe I would be lonely there, maybe it would be like at the dormitory, where I don’t really know my roommates. And I don’t like the situation (that of course, I created myself, nevertheless, I am unhappy with it).

But I think I didn’t like the way it went yesterday. When meeting other potential roommates, we always sat down to get to know each other. But they only showed the flat and we talked shortly, while standing somewhat awkwardly in the room. It just didn’t feel homely and welcoming. Or maybe they just realized after a few minutes of meeting me that it wasn’t going to work.

Maybe I am just feeling particularily lonely today. My best friend is also spending lots of time with her new boyfriend at the moment and I isolated myself. I think I want to change that.

Today I saw an offer of 11 people living together in a house, where they also care for a garden together and spend time together. Maybe I am crazy, but I feel like writing them. I have always had the dream of growing my own food and maybe I could learn something living in a community like that. From reading their offer, I got that homely feeling. I don’t know, maybe I am just in a weird mood today… But what can happen, most likely they will ignore my message anyways or decide to live with someone else when we meet… Am I being crazy?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Lily.

Oh, also my parents are coming for a visit this weekend suddenly. I’m not sure how I feel about that.