Thanks for checking in Anita!!

I’m doing ok, I was actually going to write a post today. I’ll write in later!

It’s getting worse. I have been able to even sit down in front of my school work all week and it’s Tuesday. I’ve gone to work and done all of my work for my job but my school… nothing is working, I’m going to make myself do something this evening- I was going to go to the agricultural club tonight but I’m not letting myself go anywhere until I actually get something done. I feel so guilty- like garbage actually. I would say I’m trying hard but I know I’m not. I just need someone to tell me what to do how do I fix this so I can actually do my work? I’m so disassociated from the stress it’s killing me.  I’ve been lightly disassociated since last September and certain things trigger periods of disassociation like socializing with people, at work I had a long conversation with my coworker and I can’t even remember what we talked about. I remember looking around and my vision was blurry, I was in control of myself I was making choices but it was like my brain wasn’t recording. When I’m alone I’m usually fine.
I had a panic attack earlier I was crying and rocking myself back and forth. Because I had to go feed my cows but I knew if I left the room i wouldn’t be able to get back to work. But I needed to feed the cows.

Any advice? Thank you.

The disassociation is horrible I hate it- the panic attacks? Maybe annoying for a bit but I usually feel better after them.

thank you Anita.

Thank you Anita. Thank you. My parents have tried to talk to my sister who has serious self worth problems. I am certain she has ADHD and  I think she’s Autistic. She calls me names daily. Whenever I see her. As I mentioned sometimes she violet, yells at me, she will occasionally hit me. My mom has tried to talk to her but my sister doesn’t really call me names in front of my parents anymore. So my parents have kinda just brushed it away. Besides I’m 19 and she’s 12. I stand up for her, I defend her, I buy her things and I’m always nice to her. She is never nice to me and if she is it’s because she wants something from me. It’s tiring. my sister needs more mental help than me. If my parents offered to pay for my therapy or her therapy I would want her to have counseling instead of me. I can hide my feelings, I can manage, I can suppress, I can control myself most of the time (except I can’t make myself do my homework) she is explosive, depressed, lonely (she’s an extrovert with serious health issues that make her very vulnerable to covid)

my mental health issues aren’t nearly as ‘visible’ to my parents either, so it doesn’t really affect them. When I 13 my school counselor recommended that I get CBT for my OCD and general anxiety and I went home and told my mom who said that therapy is expensive and I might have to sell my pets to do it. I refused. And the conversation was over. I when I was A younger teen I asked her lots.

I’ve tried to beg my mom to allow my sister to go to therapy. But my sister won’t go. She won’t. My mom won’t send a kid who doesn’t want to go to therapy to therapy. But yeah. My sister has been violent and has called me names since she was really young. No one takes me seriously tho because I’m older. my dad just says fight back! I rarely do but once I did and my sister cries about it and I get yelled at. I tell my mom about the constant name calling and occasional hitting and punching I get a ‘just ignore her why does her opinion matter?’ My thoughts are, no her opinion doesn’t matter but I hear opinions constantly I’m called stupid and dumb 4-6 times daily by her. I make her breakfast every morning and stand up for her.

But obviously I’m not good enough. And it feels like that all the time. (Warning I play victim here) My friends left I don’t have friends, I don’t have any grandparents left in my life Because they left, my aunts and uncles aren’t present in my life, my dad works 12 hour days and my mom is trying her best. I feel so alone. And I have a mental breakdown every time I talk to people- I even feel guilty after talking to anyone, even my family. It’s ironic.

(about my grandparents- my moms side were extremely verbally abusive towards her- then eventually towards me at a young age. I don’t even remember them. They left before my sister was born. My dads side are very emotionally manipulative towards my dad. All he wants to do is please them and they tell him he’s not good enough constantly. He’s constantly trying to prove himself. I made the choice and cut them off when I was 16- (my sister (9 then) called them daily still.) because I wasn’t okay with how they treated my dad. I wanted to confront them but my dad told me not to. they live far away and rarely visited. When I did talk to them I always called, they rarely answered then would be mad at me because I ‘didn’t call’, I texted and I took them a week to answer. When I stopped calling and texting didn’t text me, they didn’t ask if I was ok, they didn’t wonder where I was. I haven’t talked to them since I was 16.)

I’ve never dated, not in high school even- I didn’t go to prom. I didn’t go to any dances. I didn’t go to grad parties. I never went to any parties in fact. I was too scared. I love really deeply, and I think a break up would absolutely completely destroy me- whatever I have left to give that is. I’m also too unstable for a relationship- I’d probably wreck anything anyway. My love languages are touch and quality time. I crave touch but it makes me uncomfortable. As I mentioned I love very deeply and I cry when I think my pets might be uncomfortable- when my dog sprained her leg on a run with me I cried for hours because I felt bad even tho he was fine in a few days. I care so much that it’s my biggest weakness. All I get is taken advance of (look I’m playing victim again) I don’t think I’ve had a single healthy relationship in my life- except for my childhood best friend who left me. I was mad at her for so long because for once I wanted the power of being able to abandon someone instead of them abandoning me and taking the power from me-as horrible as that sounds.  A part of me is still angry. I wish I could text her and ask why she left. It haunted me for years.

I’m tired of being abandoned, I’m tired of not being enough for anyone and I’m tired of not being able to do anything. I’m ready to focus on school, I’m ready to live with love and compassion.