May 13, 2022 at 7:03 am #400012AnonymousInactive
hi!! Thank you for asking my exam went really well- I’m happy about that. Yeah I was quite stressed about it especially since it was in a subject I have trouble in. My dad 100% has ADHD and doesn’t know it. He forgets things, he’s so easily distracted. He has it. Yes I do find repetitive tasks really nice- I’ll find myself walking in circles, hauling water back and forth for my cows, picking up dog poo etc. yeah I’ve tried to ask my parents- I’ve tried to explain how I feel too- genuinely they don’t tease me much after I asked them, just occasionally one of them will be frustrated that I forget a task or am moving so slow. Thank you Helcat!May 13, 2022 at 7:36 am #400013HelcatParticipant
It’s good to hear that your exam went well and that your parents are receptive when you asked them to stop teasing you! Congratulations on all your hard work paying off 👏
May 16, 2022 at 8:03 pm #400423May 17, 2022 at 8:47 am #400438AnonymousInactive
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Helcat.
Thanks for checking in Anita!!
I’m doing ok, I was actually going to write a post today. I’ll write in later!May 17, 2022 at 9:01 am #400440
You are welcome, Lea. Good to read that you are doing ok. Write when you can.
anitaMay 17, 2022 at 3:49 pm #400471AnonymousInactive
It’s getting worse. I have been able to even sit down in front of my school work all week and it’s Tuesday. I’ve gone to work and done all of my work for my job but my school… nothing is working, I’m going to make myself do something this evening- I was going to go to the agricultural club tonight but I’m not letting myself go anywhere until I actually get something done. I feel so guilty- like garbage actually. I would say I’m trying hard but I know I’m not. I just need someone to tell me what to do how do I fix this so I can actually do my work? I’m so disassociated from the stress it’s killing me. I’ve been lightly disassociated since last September and certain things trigger periods of disassociation like socializing with people, at work I had a long conversation with my coworker and I can’t even remember what we talked about. I remember looking around and my vision was blurry, I was in control of myself I was making choices but it was like my brain wasn’t recording. When I’m alone I’m usually fine.
I had a panic attack earlier I was crying and rocking myself back and forth. Because I had to go feed my cows but I knew if I left the room i wouldn’t be able to get back to work. But I needed to feed the cows.
Any advice? Thank you.May 17, 2022 at 4:11 pm #400478AnonymousInactive
I went to feed the cows, and didn’t end up doing work for 4 hours getting distracted reading a paper about zygotic and embryonic gene expressions in cows- which has nothing to do with what I’m doing in school but It was interesting. The career that I’m working towards is in veterinary medicine but I have to do a bunch of annoying work that I don’t enjoy before I can do the actual vet medicine part. Therapy still isn’t an option for me as much as I’d love to go-I can’t. I really just need a few small things I can add to my daily routine or something I can do that will help me get something done.
I was talking about my disassociation triggers which are: social situations (conversations, relaxing with people everything), the dark and confrontation (anger, yelling, arguments- even small ones etc) my disassociation symptoms are: (pacing in circles, foggy mind, bad memory, foggy vision, tiredness, trouble connecting with people, mind wanders to weird places, head in a fog)
my panic attacks usually look like this: (shaking uncontrollably, rocking back and forth, crying hysterically, I end up small spaces like under my desk or have a strong urge to go to a small space,) the panic attack triggers are: being told repeatedly to do something, randomly occurring panic attacks, stress, anxiety and other peoples disappointment.May 17, 2022 at 4:12 pm #400480AnonymousInactive
The disassociation is horrible I hate it- the panic attacks? Maybe annoying for a bit but I usually feel better after them.May 17, 2022 at 6:08 pm #400543HelcatParticipant
I’m sorry you’re having difficulties with anxiety today. It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. That research paper sounds fascinating though!
I hear that studying to become a vet is very difficult and requires better grades than studying to become a doctor. I have a joke for you that you might have heard before. What do you call a vet that can only treat one species?
I wonder if the trigger today was not necessarily studying. But potentially the arranging to go to an agricultural club. What do you think?
Perhaps it is not a good idea to tie study goals to going out and socialising later?
It sounds like you have some trauma as a result of the bullying. A slower approach building up to going to the club might be needed. I appreciate your eagerness but you might be pushing yourself a little too fast too soon. I would like you to consider things that make you feel safer.
Would this be talking on the phone to people instead of meeting them in person? Would it mean socialising with some club members online? Would it mean having a dog or a family member with you? Would it mean not going inside for the first few times? Would it mean going to the location while the club wasn’t there? Would you prefer to meet up with one person instead of a group? Anything at all that would make you feel safer?
I’m very sorry about the bullying you experienced. Children can be little sociopaths if their parents don’t teach them empathy. Fortunately, many people have developed empathy by their late 20s. I wonder, how do you find engaging with the other students?
General anxiety tips that have helped me are eating regularly, sleeping well and no caffeine. Unfortunately, sometimes these things take time to figure out how to best manage anxiety because everyone is different.May 17, 2022 at 6:38 pm #400546
I will be able to read your recent posts and reply in about 12 hours from now. I read just a bit and hope you manage to calm down and rest, and feel better very soon.
anitaMay 17, 2022 at 6:51 pm #400550AnonymousInactive
yes the paper was really fascinating haha. It is pretty stressful and you do have to have really good grades, sometimes it’s a lot but I know it’s going to be worth it in the end.
I think the trigger might be the agricultural club. I follow them on Facebook and the other day was looking at pictures of the previous years and suddenly was really anxious. I didn’t know what to wear, what could I wear to make them like me? If I don’t have this particular thing then they probably won’t like me etc. I suddenly felt like I needed stuff to make them like me. My mom always tells me, why do you care if they like you? I know I shouldn’t care and people won’t like you no matter how hard you try but it’s like a response. This ridiculous need to please these people I’ve never met is crazy. So I decided not to go. My mom was confused.
I don’t engage with people at school at all. I do online school right now- eventually when I go to vet school I’ll have to go to class. I NEVER study in public places because it’s too distracting and I pick up on the tiniest sounds, conversations I’m also quite sensitive to light.
I work as a field biologist right now and have a coworker working on a similar project. I am never present when in the room with them, but I do talk to them about generic regular coworker small talk. I’m not big into small talk and it takes a lot out of me. I guess for some reason I don’t really care what my coworker thinks of me because they’re forced to work with me anyway. I don’t know. But I only see them once a month for a few hours- them alone, they’re also a lot older than me so I’m not sure if that makes a difference. I wouldn’t consider this person my ‘friend’ as I barely see them. Other than that I don’t know who I’d even talk to. It really unsettles me when people know me really well. I want to have those deep talks but then I have a complete and total breakdown about it, block a person or ignore them. I’m so scared to need or be dependent on anyone. Like it scares me to the core. What if someone decides they just don’t like me anyone? My long time best friend from kindergarten to when I was 13 decided that I wasn’t good enough, she never said goodbye. She just blocked me and I haven’t heard from her since. Sometimes I can almost hear people’s mental chatter about me. And I know people are so busy thinking about themselves they don’t think about you but I know as a person myself that people judge I know that they think things.
My sister, she isn’t very nice to me. She calls me names, steals my stuff and hits me sometimes, and it’s ridiculous because she’s much younger her than me but I’m not going to touch her. I’m a lot bigger than her. There’s always some comment in everything she does ‘oh lea’s so stupid’ lea is so slow because she doesn’t have a brain. And yeah it’s ridiculous but eventually it just wears on you. Thank you Anita. Talking to you is really beneficial.May 17, 2022 at 6:56 pm #400551AnonymousInactive
thank you Anita.May 17, 2022 at 7:53 pm #400554
It’s late, where I am at, and I am not very focused, but still, i read some of what you wrote, so sorry that your younger sister is calling you names, your parents should not allow this to happen!
“didn’t know what to wear, what could I wear to make them like me? If I don’t have this particular thing then they probably won’t like me etc. I suddenly felt like I needed stuff to make them like me” – I like you Lea, no matter what you wear. I so very much wish you knew it, really knew it, that you are okay, that you are likeable, just as you are. I will write more in about 11 hours from now.
anitaMay 17, 2022 at 8:58 pm #400570AnonymousInactive
Thank you Anita. Thank you. My parents have tried to talk to my sister who has serious self worth problems. I am certain she has ADHD and I think she’s Autistic. She calls me names daily. Whenever I see her. As I mentioned sometimes she violet, yells at me, she will occasionally hit me. My mom has tried to talk to her but my sister doesn’t really call me names in front of my parents anymore. So my parents have kinda just brushed it away. Besides I’m 19 and she’s 12. I stand up for her, I defend her, I buy her things and I’m always nice to her. She is never nice to me and if she is it’s because she wants something from me. It’s tiring. my sister needs more mental help than me. If my parents offered to pay for my therapy or her therapy I would want her to have counseling instead of me. I can hide my feelings, I can manage, I can suppress, I can control myself most of the time (except I can’t make myself do my homework) she is explosive, depressed, lonely (she’s an extrovert with serious health issues that make her very vulnerable to covid)
my mental health issues aren’t nearly as ‘visible’ to my parents either, so it doesn’t really affect them. When I 13 my school counselor recommended that I get CBT for my OCD and general anxiety and I went home and told my mom who said that therapy is expensive and I might have to sell my pets to do it. I refused. And the conversation was over. I when I was A younger teen I asked her lots.
I’ve tried to beg my mom to allow my sister to go to therapy. But my sister won’t go. She won’t. My mom won’t send a kid who doesn’t want to go to therapy to therapy. But yeah. My sister has been violent and has called me names since she was really young. No one takes me seriously tho because I’m older. my dad just says fight back! I rarely do but once I did and my sister cries about it and I get yelled at. I tell my mom about the constant name calling and occasional hitting and punching I get a ‘just ignore her why does her opinion matter?’ My thoughts are, no her opinion doesn’t matter but I hear opinions constantly I’m called stupid and dumb 4-6 times daily by her. I make her breakfast every morning and stand up for her.
But obviously I’m not good enough. And it feels like that all the time. (Warning I play victim here) My friends left I don’t have friends, I don’t have any grandparents left in my life Because they left, my aunts and uncles aren’t present in my life, my dad works 12 hour days and my mom is trying her best. I feel so alone. And I have a mental breakdown every time I talk to people- I even feel guilty after talking to anyone, even my family. It’s ironic.
(about my grandparents- my moms side were extremely verbally abusive towards her- then eventually towards me at a young age. I don’t even remember them. They left before my sister was born. My dads side are very emotionally manipulative towards my dad. All he wants to do is please them and they tell him he’s not good enough constantly. He’s constantly trying to prove himself. I made the choice and cut them off when I was 16- (my sister (9 then) called them daily still.) because I wasn’t okay with how they treated my dad. I wanted to confront them but my dad told me not to. they live far away and rarely visited. When I did talk to them I always called, they rarely answered then would be mad at me because I ‘didn’t call’, I texted and I took them a week to answer. When I stopped calling and texting didn’t text me, they didn’t ask if I was ok, they didn’t wonder where I was. I haven’t talked to them since I was 16.)
I’ve never dated, not in high school even- I didn’t go to prom. I didn’t go to any dances. I didn’t go to grad parties. I never went to any parties in fact. I was too scared. I love really deeply, and I think a break up would absolutely completely destroy me- whatever I have left to give that is. I’m also too unstable for a relationship- I’d probably wreck anything anyway. My love languages are touch and quality time. I crave touch but it makes me uncomfortable. As I mentioned I love very deeply and I cry when I think my pets might be uncomfortable- when my dog sprained her leg on a run with me I cried for hours because I felt bad even tho he was fine in a few days. I care so much that it’s my biggest weakness. All I get is taken advance of (look I’m playing victim again) I don’t think I’ve had a single healthy relationship in my life- except for my childhood best friend who left me. I was mad at her for so long because for once I wanted the power of being able to abandon someone instead of them abandoning me and taking the power from me-as horrible as that sounds. A part of me is still angry. I wish I could text her and ask why she left. It haunted me for years.
I’m tired of being abandoned, I’m tired of not being enough for anyone and I’m tired of not being able to do anything. I’m ready to focus on school, I’m ready to live with love and compassion.May 17, 2022 at 9:12 pm #400571
I am just about to go to bed, and I was unable to read much of your recent post. I will read and reply thoroughly tomorrow morning, in about ten hours from now. For now, I’d say, I wish you did date for the first time in your life, and that it would be a great experience for you, that your life will no longer be about how your much younger sister treats you, or about your father’s ways, or your mother’s ways… I wish that you did feel “being enough“, and living “with love and compassion“!