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I cheated, he wants to break up but will not leave..

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This topic contains 14 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #317603

    Charly
    Participant

    So, I cheated. Years ago. But my long time boyfriend has recently come to the conclusion that he cant function being in a relationship with me anymore. I still love him very much and have been doing a lot of changing on my part but he just can not get over that I cheated. But here is the thing, he does not want to work on our relationship but will not leave my apartment either.I love him very much but do not want to be used for a convenient situation. I respect his decision to move on, which took me a long time to come to terms with but he will not commit or even have a detailed conversation about the topic. Here is the second thing, I feel extreme guilt for bring up the topic as well as having a small amount of hope that maybe he’ll change his mind. I was the one that started this downward spiral in our relationship as well as still having feelings for him makes it hard to bring it up. I do feel like I deserve better right now but still feel very guilty for asking him to leave.

    #317607

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Charly:

    To understand better I ask: does your boyfriend still approach you for sex at the same time that he “can’t function being  in a relationship” with you anymore?

    anita

    #317615

    Charly
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Not really. Its very complicated which is why I am a bit confused. He will sleep in my bed but its almost like if we were just close friends, no intimacy or sex coming from him. But gets moody if I ask him to sleep else where. Very conflicting actions.

    #317619

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Charly:

    You wrote earlier that you “do not want to be used for a convenient situation”- if you mean that he is using you so to have a place to live and not go through the trouble of looking for a place of his own, maybe an extra expense involved in him living away from you- then I see your point. It would be really nice if you were clear about his motivation in staying in your place. If you were clear about why he gets upset about sleeping not in your bed although there is “no intimacy or sex coming from him”.

    If you were clear you wouldn’t be confused or conflicted. It is way better to experience clarity instead of conflict and confusion.

    When you asked him about his motivations, what did he say??

    anita

    #317625

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Charly,

    YOU move. While he’s at work (or out for a long time) quietly and quickly move your clothes, computer and papers so when he comes home all he’ll see are empty closets. Big ticket items like furniture, appliances and wall art leave if need be. He will either destroy them or move out himself when the lease is up. Have NO way for him to contact you. Have your landlord tell you when he has truly moved out so you can get any remaining things he does not take with him. The giving up of the stuff is The Guilt Ransom you can pay. But you are now in a Hostage Situation. Leave.

    Best,

    Inky

    #317645

    Aiko
    Participant

    Maybe it’s easier for me to say this because I tend to find doing what I want easier than the average person… especially after realizing all pathways lead to that anyway & the regret of many is “why haven’t I done anything sooner.”

    I initially thought “just tell him to leave.” If he’s not on the lease but has been living there for a while and refuses to, you’d have to legally evict him? Idk what the laws in your state are..

    Its never really hard getting ppl to leave, people make it seem hard… the hardest thing is the internal battle & struggle with feelings & emotions . If you really wanted him out, he’d be out… or if you really wanted out, you’d leave.

    Be honest about what you want & work towards that. But don’t lie to yourself either..

    #317675

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Charly,

    As much as you might have regrets, you have cheated on your boyfriend and trust has been destroyed.  It may have been years ago but your boyfriend hasn’t forgiven you for it.  His words are saying that he wants to move on but his actions are saying he wants to stay.  He even wants to sleep in the same bed as you – the punishment is he doesn’t want to be intimate with you.  He becomes moody if you ask him to sleep elsewhere.  There are reasons why you cheated and I don’t see this as a one way street – it indicates that there were problems with the relationship way back when.  Perhaps he is not ready, nor ever will be, to acknowledge the root cause.  Perhaps you haven’t even discussed it.

    Is your apartment rented or owned by you.  If it is rented, then give your landlord notice and find somewhere else to live.  If you own it, then give your boyfriend notice and find him somewhere else to live.  If he refuses, then consult a solicitor and see what your rights are.

    Refuse to be drawn into guilt trips.  As Aiko said, if you really wanted to live separate lives then you would make it happen.

    Peggy

    #317725

    Charly
    Participant

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    Hello,

     

    I guess the honest truth is I do not what our relationship to end. I’ve worked on myself and actions and think I’m more mature about our relationship and understanding myself and my actions. I don’t want him to leave, i think I’m a totally different person that the girl I was before I want to work it out but I know I can’t force anyone to love me again. It’s just a hard to let go with all the guilt and love I still have.

    And just to be clear he is still very nice and a proper person. But is not the type to go into details about his feelings. So a lot of the time I’m just making up the rest of the story. At this point all I know is that he feels he wants to “see what else is out there” but will not take the steps to move on. I think that’s what confuses me most, and honestly gives me (I guess at this point falsely) hope that he’s seeing the changes I’ve made personally and wants to rebuild what I had. Maybe I’m being naive and just can’t let go. It’s not his fault but mine and the end of the day.

    Oh, and to add, I own the apartment and everything in it . As much as I wish I could get up and leave,I cant. It’s very uncomfortable sometimes.

    Charly

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Charly.
    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Charly.
    #317737

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Charly:

    One way you interpret why “he wants to break up but will not  leave” is that “he’s seeing the changes I’ve made personally and wants to rebuild” the relationship. It may be so, you don’t know. You do know that you wish this was the reason.

    Let’s look at three other possible reasons:

    1. “I own the apartment and everything in it”- so he is the one who has to leave, look for an apartment or a living arrangement and buy appliances, furniture and so on. Depending on where you live and his income, it may require more money than he has or more money that he wants to spend. If he stays with you, let’s say, he has more money to pay for entertainment. If he leaves his money will go for rent, and little to no money for entertainment, doing fun things.

    2. “He will sleep in my bed.. no intimacy or sex coming from him”- but if intimacy or sex is coming from you, and he receives it and engages in it, then maybe he doesn’t want to lost it, and this is why he “gets moody if (you) ask him to sleep elsewhere”.

    3. Maybe he doesn’t really want to break up and move out. Maybe he wants to punish you, that is all he aims for.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

    #318293

    GL
    Participant

    Dear Charly,

    It is very easy to confuse guilt with affection, especially when you feel immense guilt for your actions. But you can’t let guilt be the reason why you let certain things happen.

    Right now, you are stuck in a weird limbo with your ex partner because he found out that you had cheated on him a few years ago. From there, he decided that it was best to end the relationship, but he refused to move out yet he refuses to talk to you about what happened. It seems that he isn’t even talking to you much either? That sort of action scream ‘immaturity’. Even though he told you that he wants to end the relationship, he fears what will happen next if he takes the step to actually end it because he is too used to being in a relationship with you. Should he end it, then there will be a great upheaval of change regarding his daily life that he probably isn’t ready to face. So he decided that he will still sleep on the same bed, eat at the same table, use the same bathroom, etc. But that’s not fair to you.

    You have openly admitted your wrongdoing and he chose to shut down. That’s fine. That’s a choice he made. But for it to continued to affect you like this is unfair to you because he is not giving you the space to grieve and move on from this relationship that he told you he wished to end. HE TOLD YOU HE COULD NOT CONTINUED THE RELATIONSHIP. Yet you are giving in to his demands of sleeping in the same bed because…you feel guilty? Guilty that you cheated on him. And you are paying the price for it by him ending the relationship, but beyond that is extraneous. You told him and he ended the relationship. You can’t be called partners anymore so what rights does he have to demand that you sleep on the same bed? That he could still live with you? That you have to see him everyday after your breakup?

    You still love him, that’s fine. But that doesn’t justified him acting as if you are close enough to share the same bed when he chose to broke off relations between the two of you. For whatever reason he might have done so, he is still choosing not to communicate with you if he is rethinking his decisions, but seeing your ex everyday is bound to make you rethink, yet he is still acting as if he has the rights to live with you. So why exactly are you allowing him to torture you like this? You love him, but that doesn’t mean torturing yourself with this limbo of ‘maybe he will reconsider’. He hasn’t, even after all this time. Rather, the longer you let this continued, the longer you’ll stay in this weird limbo of not partners but not really friends either. You’ll sleep on the same bed, wake up to him, all the while knowing that you are not partners anymore. Doesn’t that break your heart? And if he suddenly wants to get back together when you tell him to pack and leave, what does that tell you about how he really viewed you?

    Remember, you are also the other person in this relationship so you have to a make a decision about this weird limbo. Do you let it continued or do you end it by kicking him out? Continued and you’ll always wondered what’s happening. End it and you might have to fight a drawn out battle of getting him to leave, but then you’ll have the space to grieve then move on. You’ll have the space to assess the situation and what happened and maybe breathe. But you have to decide for yourself. You have to decide what’s really important, his feelings or your well-being.

    Good luck.

    #318387

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Charly,

    Forget the guilt trip – this relationship is over.  Every time communication dries up, the relationship ends.  Currently, he’s punishing you and you mistakenly believe that you deserve it.  You need to break out of this deadlock.  You hold all the power. You can do the decent thing and give him a month’s written notice to leave and if he doesn’t comply then  get the locks changed while he is out and tell him to find a new hotel, yours is no longer open for business.  Fill old suitcases with his clothes and call a taxi.

    Just because you’ve worked on changing doesn’t mean that he will like you any better.  This is frequently the time when you have to let the old go and welcome in the new.  Deep down inside you know this is over so why prolong the agony.

    Peggy

    #318683

    Charly
    Participant

    Hello everyone.

    I just want to apologize for late responses I’m still dealing with this on a daily basis. But I do want to thank everyone that’s commented. I think this has helped me so much.

    I don’t think it’s so much of a “guilt trip”, I think it’s more remorse and A hope and wish things can change. Especially when I’m only receiving partial information for him it’s easy to make up a dialogue on my own. I did find very good resources at AffairRecovery.com. I’m now understanding this more from his perspective. But now the hardest part is understanding that I just need to let him do what he needs to do.

    With that said, it isn’t an easy task. It’s not easy to let something or someone you love go, especially when you know your losing something amazing. I don’t want another person or an relationship, I want him and him only. But it’s really hard dealing with the fact that it might never be.

    I think I left out some crucial information in my Initial post. I’ve been with my partner since I was 16 years old I’m now in my 30s. When I cheating I was in my early 20s. So I’m starting to understand that I wasn’t mature enough or ready to have such a serious relationship. It’s not because I wanted to hurt my partner it’s just I didn’t know how to communicate what I wanted and ended up being unfaithful.  We have a teenage son and We’ve never been without him.

     

    #318685

    Charly
    Participant

    Hi Anita

     

    Thank you for you reply’s. They are very thought provoking. And to respond to your comment. I honest think it’s a bit of all three as well as maybe he still does have a soft spot(I’m basing that off some current interactions we’ve had) for me. So I think it’s just as hard for him as it is for me. But still, the big question is where does all of this go from here and that’s seems the hardest question to get answered.

    #318693

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Charly:

    You are welcome, glad you are back to your thread (no such thing as returning here late, so anytime is fine). You have been with this man since you were 16 and now you are in your 30s. The two of you have a teenage son. You cheated on him in your early twenties, ten or more than ten years ago.

    But it is only “recently (that he has) come to the conclusion that he can’t function being in a relationship with (you) anymore.. he just can’t get over that (you) cheated”.

    It is likely then that it is not your cheating that is behind him getting to that conclusion that he wants to separate, and instead, what motivates him is what you stated yourself: “he wants to ‘see what else is out there'”. After close to two decades with one woman, he wants to experience someone new.

    This is a painful thought, isn’t it? That it may not be about the cheating and therefore it is not about you showing to him that you have indeed matured from that time of ten years ago?

    I mean, if what  he wants is something new, a different woman, a change- then what can you do about that??

    anita

     

    #318757

    Charly
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes it’s a very painful thought. But I know it’s partially  my cheating since that’s the only thing he’s communicated. I think he’s suffering from some kind of trauma I cause him and still stuffing from. And I’m dealing with that.

    To answer your second question, I don’t think I can do much to help him with that. I guess, right now, I feel like if he’s still around he might have some realization that he doesn’t need to go. I guess I feel like if he’s still around there’s  still hope that he’ll stay.

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