I guess you mean i fell in love with the potential and not the actual person? Idk, i can still find a lot of positive qualities on her that i would like my partner to have and she was very loving towards me (provided that i was loving towards her too).I dont know if i did any wishful thinking in this situation, i just loved the connection we had, the bonding, the fact that we could “see” each other.

Oh i see, thats what i do too. I am a savior and i believe that being loved will fix me too.

We do that by listening to what the other person feels and needs i guess ?

I think i am getting what you’re trying to say. Thank you for your replies! 🙂

Good morning (it’s morning here):

You are very welcome, Confused (soon to be Clear, I hope 🙂), and thank you for the empathy for me. From all that you expressed, it is clear to me that you are an honest, caring, empathetic person. Even though you lost some of your feelings for her, you still have empathy for her and you care about her well-being.

For example, you wrote earlier: “She instantly flipped to a colder version of her, withdrawing possibly because of being overwhelmed…”- you did not dismiss her reaction — you were trying to understand it. That’s empathy.

Another example: “I don’t think I have the energy of pursuing her anymore… I need her to show up or just be done with it.”- This isn’t coldness — it’s you trying not to drag her into a dynamic where you’re exhausted and resentful. That’s actually a form of care.

And another, in your most recent post: “I don’t wanna hurt her feelings.”

The biggest indicator that you care about her well‑being is that you actively try to prevent misunderstandings, reassure her, and avoid hurting her emotionally, even when you yourself are overwhelmed.

I hope that you find some comfort in the fact that you are a loving person even when you don’t feel in love.

About feeling “in love”- it is clear to me that you believe love must feel intense in order to be real:

“I’m scared that if I don’t feel it intensely, it means I’m falling out of love.”

“I worry the feeling won’t stay strong.”-

These quotes show that you equate love with intensity. This is a known sign of someone who grew up in a high‑intensity emotional environment. When childhood was filled with chaos, fear, or unpredictability, the emotions that got attention were the intense ones: fear, panic, anger, crisis, emotional explosions. So the body learns: ‘Intensity = urgency, connection, love.’

This becomes the emotional ‘baseline.’ Anything less than intense feels.. irrelevant or depressing, like something essential is missing.

And the flipside: ‘Calm = danger or disconnection.’ When someone grows up in a home where calmness was the quiet before the storm, a sign that someone was angry but silent, a sign that something bad was about to happen, the person’s nervous system learns that calm is not safety, that it is threat. Calm means something is wrong.

So in adulthood, a calm partner feels distant, a slow‑building relationship feels ‘off.’, a quiet moment feels like abandonment, a neutral tone feels like rejection, a partner who withdraws for a moment feels like they’re leaving forever, and.. a lack of intensity feels like falling out of love.

I think that this is why you reacted so strongly when she became “colder” or “withdraws.” To you, that’s not just a mood shift — it’s danger. Your body may have interpreted it as: ‘She’s disconnecting. I’m losing her. Something is wrong.’ Even if nothing is wrong.

Attachment (love) is supposed to be calm, steady. But if you grow up in a chaotic war zone of a home, you don’t get that, so you don’t trust calm or steady, you kind of trust what you grew up with: intensity.

And all this is fixable — but only once the person realizes that calm is not danger/ disconnection; calm is safety.

And that intensity (infatuation) is not love.

I was going to answer your questions about my healing but this post is getting too long. I will do so in the next post. Please let me know of your thoughts about what I wrote here, whenever you are ready.

🤍 Anita

Hello again anita

Thank you for your kind words and observations (i hope so too haha), even though i feel like a really bad person and a fraud for causing her all this hurt and confusion at them moment, you might be right in your assumptions. I do care about protecting her, but right now my romantic feelings are “off” for anyone. I think what returned first is the lust, love might take a while. She texted me today after 2 days to check up on me, to which at first i felt “pressured” because i felt like i have to explain myself and i “have to” act a certain way with her (the way i taught her and built over the past) which right now i can’t keep up with. We texted lightly about casual things, surface level and she went to sleep. I can’t really tell if i have legitimately fallen out of love or i am still numb in that department. I hope it’s the latter because yesterday i was crying my eyes out for her and the thought of me hugging her felt really good, but just for a brief moment, then faded. I think i have a hard time trusting her right now and feeling safe, which i know sounds paradoxical since i was the one that messed it up.

You are very spot on with all the things that you said.This is indeed how i grew up and calmness equaled distance between my parents (because if they weren’t fighting each other, they were calm which meant either distant or that a fight would break out soon, even with me) I did learn subconsciously that chaos/intensity=feelings, possibly love even and at times within my relationships i’ve felt like i crave some light “drama” to feel “alive”.I’ve always believed that calm relationships=bad thing with no “spark” and i’ve always despised them and thought people were compromising.Tbh, our relationship has had it’s ups & downs up almost since the beginning,with me always trying to “fix” things and win her over, until the last 2.5 months were things were the most stable and loving they have ever been, no drama or fights, just pure affection/communication and reciprocation.Then came the conversation about moving during which i think i felt let down.Also a day before that, she sent me a note with a poem that she wrote herself, expressing her feelings and how i made her feel, which i loved but it kinda shook me afterwards because i thought to myself “wow, no way i can match that” (meaning the poem, since i am not good in that department), kinda felt that she was more invested in me than i was in her, which was new to me, i was used to always being the one chasing and investing more.I know its not a bad thing, but i can’t help but notice that thought/feeling i had at that specific moment.Maybe like the “responsibility” was growing (i know it sounds bad but i dont mean it in a negative way). Indeed that i feel “abandoned” or about to be left when my partner is quiet/less energetic or a bit distant.That sends heat all over my body and my stomach starts tightening up bad, resulting in me craving validation that things are safe and since i am in no way gonna express that directly, because i might seem insecure and push them away, all i can do is pull back hard until i get a reaction from the other person (which works like an involuntary reassurance from their side for me) and then i am open and loving again. Wow, it’s the first time i explain and recognize my patterns so openly and in detail. I sound almost manipulating.
I dont know if i equal calmness with danger, because consciously i dont, but i definitely crave intense feelings, infatuation and novelty. I feel like my life is meaningless without them and i am depressed (like now).I hope they are fixable because i am not someone that chases girls and relationships, i know it sounds paradoxical but i’m rarely interested in chasing women and i’m also not into casual and meaningless sex, i enjoy it fully only when there is a “bond” between me and the girl (i think that’s called demisexual?) and i am drawn more by intellectual connection rather than physical appearance.

About your second reply, i think i am drawn to fixing others. My whole life i remember myself helping everyone at any cost, without receiving anything in return, and when i did receive something, i felt bad.That changed in most aspects of my life, but stayed within romantic relationships. When she would open up to me about her trauma and fears, i would feel this intense longing and empathy for her, wanting to hold her close and calm her/make all her fears go away.

I think i didn’t care about fixing my mother, but i was the one she was leaning on while confessing her issues with my father, relationship things and dislikes, to which i would only respond “just break up” because that was the only thing making sense to me at the age of 11.
She was like that to me too, but since i am a male, i would fight back and things would escalate pretty badly, especially after my body started developing and i was able to overpower her.
My mother also had tourette syndrome, what a coincidence!I also dreamt of being loved and finding romance, since i was a pretty shy kid with no experience in girls until the age of 20.

I would commit illegal activities (thankfully never got caught back then) with shady people just because, even tho im nothing like them. Maybe i was searching for dopamine hits or a place to belong to.

Im sorry for my long reply, take as much time as u need to read them and reply whenever u can. Good night (it’s night here currently) and thank you for taking all this time and effort 🙂

Yeah she had* (she passed 10 years ago). It’s a hell of a coincidence that those things align! The details were there for me too, sadly.
I dont blame them tho, noone knows how to be a parent when u are at it for the first time in your life.
I wish that too but i guess i have some work to do, hopefully it’s fixable haha
I am heading out and will check this thread when i return, have a nice day! 🙂

Hello anita!
It really isn’t a good feeling, it’s like my identity is being challenged in a way.

I know but i really hate it without them, since they are such an important part of myself, now it feels hollow without them. I know pressure isn’t helping but my mind is racing every day..

Yeah that’s what i thought..but at times i get a glimpse of affection and warmth for a short while.

But can’t we “choose” to love someone? Isn’t that what’s supposed to be done in relationships? I’m such a rookie haha

What im thinking is that this might be a big depressive episode combined with anhedonia, that’s why i scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist for evaluation and hopefully some clarity.

I dont know tbh, i was expecting others to fill my void for years.

I think Thats why i hate responsibilities now, especially when it comes to feelings.

She did have tics yeah, both vocal and motor (i suppose motor means hands/body movements)

But was i depressed by such a young age? I think i was feeling happy back then.

This makes me feel even worse because it’s an accussation that i can’t throw for certain, so i don’t really know.

You probably have a point thomas, not foolish at all. Thank you.
I know that love needs contact to grow and flourish but i was wondering how do LDR couples do that. Perhaps this is what confused my brain and messes it up a lot, it doesn’t have the constant bonding/”information” to proceed further.

This is also something i wanna work on, being happy with myself, but it’s hard because one doesnt know where to start.

I genuinely have no clue what loving myself means to me. Maybe being selfish about my needs? I have always thought of that “loving yourself” phrase, but i can’t seem to grasp that at all. Perhaps its my current state that’s preventing me (feel like im heavily depressed) but i cant recall loving myself, ever.