Hey Confused:

A definition of “confused”: mixed together in a way that makes things unclear.

What’s mixed in? In two days (Dec 19-20), you listed a lot of things mixed together:

“Dissociating, being numb to everything, depressed,” + “constant rumination for my feelings”+ “the uncertainty of the relationship that someone has to move somewhere (possibly me) and the and the fear of abandonment (I am disorganized attached)+… (+) stress (of) taking the trip to meet this girl…+ “There was a conversation though that I didn’t feel very good about at the time. She asked me if I would be able to live in another country… she would consider moving to my country as much as I would consider moving to hers” (Dec 20)

On Dec 19, you shared: “the relationship with my mother was very chaotic, violence and arguing constantly, throwing some awkward affection here and there, then rinse and repeat. I can’t remember if I was dissociating when I was a kid, definitely trying to escape in imaginary worlds and games though”-

Confused, what if this girl has been your adult “imaginary world” of escape, feeling “madly in love… head over heels, thinking of her constantly, feeling great while doing so, feeling content and connected.” (Dec 19-20)?

After all, these madly-in-love feelings took place before you met her for the first (and only) time, and they were gone a short time before that visit when the idea of the relationship was becoming real, as in real-life (the idea of visiting her and moving countries so to be with her took hold).

“The dreams, the plans” you mentioned today (Jan 15), those were what you escaped to. But with the first taste of real-life (planning a real-life visit, talking about a real-life move to her country), you lost this madly-in-love escape route…is what I’m thinking this morning.

 🤍 Anita