Yes same here :).. All this feels strange to me, sometimes i think i am gaslighting myself into something.

Haha i am kinda better yeah, i can get out of bed a bit easier but still not liking anything. I hope i get back to my old self soon 🙂

Hey Confused:

Hailey said she’s South-Asian and her traditionak, South Asian family’s disapproval of her relationship was a big part of her losing her feelings.

Are you South Asian too, and is a family’s disapproval of your (now past/ inactive) relationship been part of the problem?

🤔 Anita

Good morning, Confused:

* I wrote the following before I noticed your new post

In my reply yesterday, I think I focused on something that’s not relevant to you (?) I went back in the thread looking for Hailey’s post. I found it on page 3, Sept 8, 2021. That was her only post in tiny buddha.

Hailey shared about her fear (the big-case letters are my doing for emphasis): “I was in FEAR of getting caught to my fam because I was SCARED that they might try to separate me from my bf… They THREATENED me to break up with him”

She shared about her anger and emotional distress: “I CRIED A LOT and I was so MAD at them.”.

Next, following ongoing fear, anger and emotional distress (an overwhelmed nervous system), there came the mental and emotional shutdown: “I woke up next day feeling such an EMPTINESS IN MY MIND MY BRAIN. I COULDN’T EVEN FEEL ANYTHING for my bf… FEELING NUMB”

* The emotional shutdown is not permanent: “Some nights I STILL FEEL that I LOVE HIM but then that feeling again gets VANISHED and I’m depressed. It feels like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster.”

Confused, you wrote yesterday: “I found similarities on the fear and the ‘feelings vanishing after appearing for a little bit’ thing.”-

Emotional shutdown is often not permanent: it’s more like a switch that flips back and forth depending on emotional safety. The person still cares, but the fear is louder than the love. When they feel calmer or safer, the love resurfaces. When they feel threatened again, the fear takes over and the love goes quiet.
This creates the “on‑off” feeling.

When someone is overloaded, the brain protects itself by numbing emotions. When the overwhelm fades, the numbness lifts — and the feelings return.

Emotional shutdown is not a choice — it’s a protective reflex. It’s the brain saying: ‘This is too much. I need to turn off for a while.’ That’s why the feelings return when the person feels calmer or more regulated.

🤔 Anita

“Hence my nickname”- you are funny, Confused, and I say it positively, affectionately, that is.

What were you afraid 😨 of? Only you can tell (me). It’s not for me to tell you .

B Back in the morning 🌄

Good Sunday Morning, Confused:

Confused, thank you for explaining all of that so clearly last night. I think that I understand things better this morning 🙂

What you described last night makes a lot of sense — not in a ‘something is wrong with you’ way, but in a very human, very understandable way.

It sounds like you were caught between two strong needs at the same time:

1. The need for closeness (to be together with her)

2. The need for safety and space (to be alone, away from the overwhelming intensity)

When someone has a strong fear of abandonment, closeness becomes a double‑edged sword: they want it deeply, but they also fear losing it, and they fear messing it up. This creates internal pressure (not pressure from the partner). That pressure becomes overwhelming. And when overwhelm hits, the body says: ‘I need distance to feel safe.’ Not distance from her as a person. Distance from the emotional intensity.

And because you were afraid that expressing your needs might make her leave, you kept everything inside. That kind of internal pressure can absolutely lead to the “gut reaction,” the shutdown, the numbness, the loss of words — all of it. It’s a protective response, not a conscious choice.

What you’re calling “confusion” is actually your system trying to protect you from both abandonment and overwhelm at the same time. Anyone with those fears would feel exactly what you felt.

And the way you describe it — the dreams, the emotional battery dropping, the feeling of wanting everyone far away but not wanting her to leave — that’s not you being broken. That’s you being overwhelmed and scared of losing someone important.

You’re making sense. Your reactions make sense. And the fact that you can reflect on it this clearly says a lot about your self‑awareness.

🤍Anita

Something i forgot to add: today i sent her flowers as a surprise (women’s day, happy women’s day anita! 🙂 ) and she was so excited and loved it, it made her day, so i felt happy with her. For an hour or so i also felt warm-loving feelings, i imagined holding her face and kissing her/caressing her. But suddenly it switched to distance and feeling like this relationship “makes no sense”, the feeling of wanting to get away started arising but i think i managed to let it go. I think it happens when i think about the future but i am not quite sure yet. Sometimes it feels like i am walking on a tight rope and where i tip decides what i will feel (the rope could be my thoughts/anxiety?).

Hey anita

You are welcome 🙂

The thing is i’ve become like so that i keep checking the feelings and try to hold them and then question if they were real or “enough”, compared to the previous period (before november, the birth of Confused)

I think that it will be like that for a while too yeah, i guess the expectations ruin my moments, and the comparison with the past 🙁

I am trying but after i posted the previous message, she told me she likes me just how i am and i felt a little bit of aversion again, but then i was okay. I think my problem is rumination, expectations, comparison and “responsibility” feelings.

I wanna do just that but how can u do that if u dont feel the “pull” to communicate with your partner every day? If i atleast had that 🙁

You are right though, i should just accept me for who i am at the moment and stop the guilt tripping.

You saying that kinda makes me feel better because it’s hard when the mind is full of doubts constantly 🙂

Im glad i made two women feel nice today then 🙂

U are right but since i’m a 0-100 person its hard for me to adapt, but i will try to keep at it! I like your correlation with the weather. Funny thing is, if anyone would tell me that this would happen back in October i would laugh.

But shouldn’t there be something more stable? Or is that only for the stable people? 🙂

I need to stop checking feelings first thing in the morning, i also need to start doing my hobbies even tho i dont feel like it at all.

Yeah she’s a great girl, if i had a button to be crazy in love with her i would press it, i wish it worked like that! You are right and this is how i felt when it all started, like i “owe” her to be my previous version or i would fail her.

I can’t feel it yet but i hope i will get there 🙂