But is it? Or does it mean more numb i wonder?

Yeah exactly, everything feels like too much. Someone talking more than they should, honking on the street, or even when they ask of me some small favor or something, i get irritated.

Then i hope she can understand and guide me through things or point me to other more suitable therapists if she decides it.

I’m trying to have prints of my experience because i tend to forget quickly 🙁

I also noticed something about myself, which idk if it’s from the dissociation or not, but i think i’ve never “felt love” for anyone in my life. I mean, the love that people feel when they talk about their parents/siblings/etc.I think i might have only felt it for this girl, since i feel happy when i make her happy and i would get feelings when i was with her in person or videocall, or maybe that’s just dissociation talking still.I’ve also never missed people. Even when i was in the army, i didnt miss anyone. Perhaps because we were in contact, but still it seems weird to me. Maybe all this “blocking” started since when i was much much younger?

Also, today, while texting with her and she was expressing affection, telling me about the gifts she wants to get me (my birthday is soon) i felt bad and i got the extreme urge to pull away and retreat, but i didn’t. I stayed and expressed affection as well (which wasnt fake, just not as intense in my head). I think i might have some trouble receiving love right now, because before all that, when she would be affectionate i would feel warmth inside 🙁
I suspect that when it’s urgent (vanish/retreat/stomach pit feelings), it’s avoidance/rOCD talking so i expose myself to it.

Confused said, “I was feeling so intensely when we were up-close or in videocall but as soon as this passes, it was like those feelings never existed.”

Being in love is a wonderful feeling but it is similar to being drunk on wine or high on heroin. Over time and away from the object or thing or loved one, one will come down. That is just the way the body is built. I love my wife but I don’t feel that overwhelming love all the time. And what was there in the beginning has changed over time. However, when holding her in my arms and kissing her, I feel the love that brought us together. Just remember your life and the plan. Hope you find that happiness.

Hey thomas

I have read what you’re talking about and it does make sense to me but i’ve always set such high standards on myself around this area and how i should be feeling all the time. Also my fall was quite sudden and what followed was also weird (for me at least), that’s why i stuck around.

Anita

Yes my house was chaotic and violent almost since i can remember myself up until i was like 20-22 years old. I do have some memories but i can’t experience the feelings, just remembering the events. But i was mostly numb to love and excitement, only romance would get me going.

I did felt many intense things, i remember a week prior to my shutdown, i would feel “so much”, like overflowing from feelings from top to bottom. I was also telling to myself “we must not lose this one”. You think as soon as i sensed that i might lose her (push her away) i just shutdown? How can i come out of it 🙁

Yes i think i can understand. Stand in the discomfort and experience it. Idk if i’ve always done that in my life. Could i be avoiding the emotions ending things would bring? But if that’s what i wanted, why doesn’t this thought bring me peace? Could i be avoiding intimacy?

And the idea 💡 of living together (moving with her) was the topic (no longer having the protective shield of LD)