I need Help...Again! - Tiny Buddha

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April 13, 2021 at 7:53 am #377598

Ik09
Participant

Anita, you are making so much sense.

But does that mean that it was only a habit and not love? what is love exactly? I often ask myself what love is?

there were plenty of times I felt that this will end with him leaving but he needed my help mentally and I stayed with him going over things that needed a decision. Helped him in every way I could. I felt what I was feeling was love… was it just greed to have him? a person who helps me break out of the shackles of my own mind? why did we bring out each other’s issues up front but could not solve them? because it was easier to be involved in other things?

It is true, It physically hurts me sometimes when I am unable to talk to people about me. I drink only when I have too much in my head which needs to be thrown out. Cause I self-talk unembarrassed then.

shed some light…

April 13, 2021 at 9:10 am #377607

Anonymous
Guest

Dear IpkRO9:

About love and whether it was love between you and the man we are discussing: I have no doubt that there was love in the relationship, in you for him, and in him for you. But it was not strong enough to make the relationship work well for your mutual benefit long-term.

“what is love exactly?”- honest and safe emotional exchange between two people, when you are no longer afraid or ashamed to express yourself as you are, as you think and feel, having that kind of intoxicating freedom!

“why did we bring out each other’s issues up front but could not solve them?”- (1) to a large extent because it was difficult to solve the serious issues, “because it was easier to be involved in other things”,(2) because there was not enough love there, not enough honest and safe emotional exchange, to motivate the two of you to work harder and longer on the relationship, and (3) because of.. well, stupidity: trying to earn your older sister’s approval, that was a stupid quest.

I do not use the word stupid often, I think that today, right here, might be the first time I use the word on the website. I use it here today because it really is stupid to try to get the approval of a selfish, self-centered, senseless, abusive, unethical person. Trying to get the approval of a wise, fair, ethical sibling or parent would not have been stupid.

* If you read the thread by Dpk, a man from India who posted for the first time today, you will read a similar feature in his story to yours, regarding a disapproving sister.

anita

April 13, 2021 at 11:08 pm #377660

Ik09
Participant

It hurts to accept that but perhaps you are right.

A friend of mine was telling me yesterday that when a man decides something there are a lot of things involved… They consider each aspect… And he decided to let you go… Because you were not irreplaceable in his eyes. He felt he can find someone better than you. Someone with less complications and less baggage. It hurt me so much but i think he was right as well. I need to accept the fact that it wasn’t his confusion, I actually didn’t suit him or his situation.

Maybe It was all in my head… He did love me initially but then he stopped. He couldn’t for some unknown reason and still couldn’t let me go… Perhaps habit as he often said that if we stop talking for sometime with no contact, we might move on easily.

But the genuine emotions which motivate trust and honest conversations were gone due to our breaks.

When we met, I could feel him struggling to talk to me but he could not open up. He had a hard time deciding if he should talk to me about things troubling his head or not. The constant state of emotional instability was present and his eyes spoke of the pain his head received because of this.

I don’t know whether it is my intuition or just my imagination but I feel it when he is troubled and I haven’t felt him ease down for a long long time. He is doing well at his workplace but getting that job or starting a different kind of work- Someone else would have been so excited but he wasn’t. He eased a tiny bit but the happiness that comes from success… He wasn’t able to feel it as well because he was so troubled internally. And I can still sense him when I calm my own self.

I want to feel hopeless in this situation, that will be the only way I can stop thinking of all this perhaps. Because God knows why each time we stop talking, I feel it in my heart that he will come back and we will talk again. He said he could feel it too- a weird intuition that we will speak again. But I think it is this feeling or hope perhaps which created a loop and disturbed us both.

He often complained that his mind was very complex and so nobody can understand him. I think he also caged himself like I did and because of that we never let anyone else in our minds except one another. Tell me your thoughts – Anita and teaK

*I read initial lines of the thread but I don’t want to read further, it is someone who needs help and perhaps my interference would not be good. I won’t read that thread and just focus on solving my issues.

April 13, 2021 at 11:16 pm #377661

Tee
Participant

DearlpkR09,

I don’t know if this is a coincidence, or the Indian man Dpk, who in the meanwhile changed his profile name to Kpd, is actually your boyfriend?? Because his story is incredibly similar to yours – in all of its elements, only seen from his perspective. It would also explain why he is so obsessed with getting your sister’s approval. This man, Kpd, had a crush on the older sister and expressed it to her (while under the influence of alcohol) even though he knew she was engaged at the time. After several months he realized he didn’t like her at all because she was bossy and dominating, and even started detesting her. About 6 months later he started dating her younger sister. The older sister created a “ruckus”, for his unethical behavior, and turned all his friends against him. They all started saying it was wrong of him to pursue the younger sister. He started feeling guilty, asking for breaks in the relationship, and now recently has broken up with her for good.

If this is your boyfriend who’s asking for help here, that’s fine, however it would be important that that’s cleared – whether it’s him or not.

April 14, 2021 at 12:39 am #377664

Ik09
Participant

I think you should read and listen to the person without judgement as for disclosing similarities, it is someone who has a tough time opening to people. So, I feel I should refrain from speaking about that other thread. Any story which has been lived by two people, obviously has two sides is all I can say at the moment and both parties should get a non-judgemental hearing and unbiased help.

April 14, 2021 at 12:45 am #377665

Ik09
Participant

Anita,

Don’t feel bad for using the word “Stupid” because it was indeed stupid of us. But what is in the past, can’t be changed. I just know my relationship with my sister will never be alright as he was not the reason for our issues, it was something that started long back as kids. And I am not seeking her approval, comfort, or support ever in my life again.

I am happier without her interference and I feel that if we don’t make our own decisions, someone will always try to get in our lives and try to make them for us. So, I closed the door of my life for such people altogether.

April 14, 2021 at 1:08 am #377666

Tee
Participant

Dear lpkR09,

I think you should read and listen to the person without judgement as for disclosing similarities, it is someone who has a tough time opening to people. So, I feel I should refrain from speaking about that other thread. Any story which has been lived by two people, obviously has two sides is all I can say at the moment and both parties should get a non-judgemental hearing and unbiased help.

alright, it’s most probably your boyfriend then. If this were therapy, which it isn’t, it would be unethical for a therapist to work with both parties in the couple separately. Only acceptable would be couple therapy. That’s because of confidentiality issues. But okay, this isn’t therapy. Does he know you’re posting on this forum as well?

Please know, I am in no way judgmental towards either of you, would be glad to help if possible, but I think it would be important that both of you know that the other is sharing here, and to agree how to go about it. How open can both of you be if you know the other might be reading? So for me, it would be important that I don’t need to pretend that it’s not him, but that I can speak openly.

April 14, 2021 at 2:39 am #377669

Ik09
Participant

Hi, teaK!

He knows that I have used this forum often for seeking help. I had often told him that it has been really helpful to me and I had encouraged him in the past to share his mind out here so that people reading can help him out. But since we are not in contact for some days now so I don’t know about him currently or if he is reading this thread.

No matter what, I have always been helped here and I have returned as a healthier person than I was before- whether the forum showed me my mistakes or my fears and insecurities, it was helpful at all times. And I feel more at ease seeking help here than my peers who can be a bit biased to me so they only speak good about me. I want honest answers which I receive here. I am not insecure sharing my mind even he is reading the thread. I think I spent enough time with him for him to know what I think of him. If you would have noticed, I just want to correct myself and grow healthier. When it comes to internal growth, only we can fix ourselves and that is what I am focused on.

I have come to trust you teaK as much as I trust Anita. She has guided me like a personal friend each time I was failing to hold myself. As she pointed out, I have some insecurities which need to be resolved slowly so that I can share my mind with people so that I have a healthy relationship with friends and not be too dependent on one person, my partner for my emotional needs. I have initiated a step in this sphere. I talked to my closest friend, told her that I am facing issues talking to her despite the fact that she will pick my calls at any point of time and expects nothing in return. She was understanding and asked me to have baby steps and just ping her about my days or each time I want to say something to someone, instead of keeping it in, just write it in the memo app of my phone and send it to her whenever I feel confident to share. Don’t know if it will work but I am willing to try.

April 14, 2021 at 4:54 am #377671

Tee
Participant

Dear lk09,

thank you for clarifying. If you have no problems him reading what you write, we can continue here, talking about your issues. And since he knows you’re posting here and might find his thread too, probably he’s okay with this setup. I would also like to hear Anita’s perspective on this.

I am glad you came to trust me and find my input, as well as Anita’s, valuable. I also think it’s great that you’ve started opening up more to your friends, in particular that one friend whom you trust and who told you she’d be there for you. That’s really important, and it’s a good plan.

You still seem to be seeking answers about your relationship and what it meant for him, and whether it was love or not:

I need to accept the fact that it wasn’t his confusion, I actually didn’t suit him or his situation.

Maybe It was all in my head…

It wasn’t all in your head, you definitely had a bond, but it was troubled. Don’t start thinking you didn’t mean anything to him, because you did, and here’s the proof:

I know he did love me and I know our situation wasn’t normal ever but he did try hard to work it out whenever I gave up.

Here you’re saying it was sometimes you who wanted to end it, but then he’d try to work it out still. Which means he was invested too, it wasn’t just you trying to keep him.

I think before we proceed, though, we should discuss the new element, which is that he had a crush on your sister. How much did you know about it? Have the two of you spoken about it openly? Because I think it would be important to talk it through so that it doesn’t burden the relationship additionally…

April 14, 2021 at 6:38 am #377674

Ik09
Participant

I didn’t know about it when we first met but he did tell me after the first date.

I asked him to tell me about everything- all his encounters and all details between them. He told me it was for a brief period of time and my sister was not interested as she liked the guy she was arranged to marry then. So he talked to her about his feelings drunk. It changed their dynamics a little, created distance between them, and with that, the crush ended. He said he started seeing how she behaved in general with everyone and saw her bossy nature and general rudeness. He said that he had absolutely no feelings for her after that. And since my sister was never interested. I felt it wasn’t a crime to like someone especially if there was no actual romance between them. So, I asked him to be honest with me about everything, no matter what happens and I would do the same and that was an unspoken rule between us. It bonded us in a very strong manner I guess because even when we took breaks, even then if something happened, we used to tell each other honestly about everything.

April 14, 2021 at 6:42 am #377675
Anonymous
Guest
Dear IkO9:

I am glad to read the following regarding your sister: “I am not seeking her approval, comfort, or support ever in my life again”!

Regarding your ex-boyfriend who posted yesterday on his own thread- I will not refer to, or repeat here, on your thread, what he shared, and what he may or may not share there in the future on his thread.) There is one exception: if he posts on your thread, indicating that he wants to communicate with you and with other members, and if you are okay with it (or if you post on his thread, etc.)

On December 20, 2018, on your second thread, “I taking a ‘break’ okay?”, I wrote to you about your fear of men leaving you: “There are no guarantees, but you can maximize the chances of a man not leaving you if you get to know him thoroughly over time, in person, in different contexts, and then figure (if).. he is.. honest and trustworthy, and therefore highly unlikely to end the relationship”.

On that same day, you wrote about a previous boyfriend: “I think I saw him (my ex) as more caring and loving than he actually was.. Because of the fear of being alone”-

– putting the two quotes together: you need to get to know a man and not let your fear of being alone interrupt the process of getting to know him. You saw the first ex as more caring and loving than he actually was because you needed him to be more caring and loving, so to feel safe about him not leaving you. You made believe that he was more caring and loving than he was.

Let’s get to know the most recent man in your life based on what you shared about him most recently, without making-believe anything, April 8, 2021: “he is addicted to masturbation and did not feel any pleasure whenever we did it… he uses webcam services when very aroused during a hangover”, and “he says.. I haven’t been with a lot of women and I want to be with them”, and “His addictions- it just doesn’t stop. Once it is drinking, it is smoking, it is porn, it is masturbation. Anything, absolutely anything that he can put his mind off things, our things”-

It is clear enough to me, based on the quote above, that getting to know him as a candidate for a love relationship/ marriage has been concluded with certainty: if you want safety with a man, he is not the one.

He may be honest in that he told you about his problems and troubles, and that is a good thing. The bad thing is that he is not trustworthy. A reasonable woman will not trust him to .. be different from who he is. You can’t have safety, which is your number one need, with a man who is addicted to substances and activities, a man who tells you that he wants to be with other women, etc.

Believing otherwise is a make-believe exercise, a wishful thinking, which is believing that he is different from who he is because you need him to be different. Believing he is different, or that he will soon be magically different, can give you momentary comfort, but it is not realistic, and therefore, the comfort will not last.

You wrote yesterday, April 13: “When we met, I could feel him struggling to talk to me but he could not open up. He had a hard time deciding if he should talk to me about things troubling his head or not. The constant state of emotional instability was present and his eyes spoke of the pain his head received because of this.. he was so troubled internally”-

– he is a troubled man, and has been troubled way before he met you and throughout the time you knew him.

“He did love me initially but then he stopped”- if you think of love as a feeling, then he loved you sometimes and didn’t love you at other times. If you think of love as a solid motivation and ability to participate in a healthy relationship/ marriage- then he never loved you. He is too troubled to love you- or any woman- this way.

You can feel empathy for him and if you were a psychotherapist (who did not have a personal history with him), then maybe you could have helped him. But you are not a therapist, and if you try to be his friend/ girlfriend/ wife- you will get more hurt, and end up alone, again and again.

“Maybe It was all in my head”- making believe and wishfully thinking that he is different from who he is, or that he will magically change and be who you need him to be- is indeed all in your head.

“each time we stop talking, I feel it in my heart that he will come back and we will talk again. He said he could feel it too- a weird intuition that we will speak again”- a supernatural, weird feeling/ intuition.. I sense your faith in fate here, believing that this relationship is meant to be. I would like to remind you that in May 2018, you wrote about another man, a previous ex: “I never felt so strongly as I did when I met my ex four years ago… I felt this was meant to be because we were both in love with each other at the same time and it felt like fate”-

– It felt so strongly, it felt like fate, and yet that relationship is long gone.

anita
- This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by .
April 14, 2021 at 7:07 am #377677

Tee
Participant

Dear lk09,

good that you knew about his crush and could talk it through with him. I could see your sister’s reaction in a bit different light now, because she might have been concerned about you, to be in a relationship with someone who behaved rather foolishly with her, knowing that she was engaged. Perhaps she wasn’t motivated just by jealousy but also by real concern that you’re getting yourself into trouble with this volatile man. Has he apologized to her for his behavior? Has he done anything to mend the situation and assure her that he has serious intentions with you and something similar won’t happen again?

April 14, 2021 at 7:31 am #377680

Ik09
Participant

TeaK, yes he did talk to her about it. Apologised for his earlier behaviour and that he cared about me but she did not want his apology. She just wanted him to leave me and never contact either of us again. When he insisted that he did not mean to ruin their friendship, she asked him to not waste his time and efforts and just leave. They had an argument when she abused his parents then.

April 14, 2021 at 7:43 am #377682
Ik09
Participant
Anita,

I have pretty firmly understood that both of us have issues and unless we resolve them, neither of us is fit to date people or capable of handling a healthy relationship. And so, here I am concerned with fixing myself.

I do connect things with fate when there are numerous coincidences but I will try to keep my overthinking in the matter under control. I will be conscious of those thoughts now.

I wouldn’t lie, I am still weak at knees where he is concerned but I don’t want to be in this state forever. Loving someone is important but taking responsibility is more important. If I was a man and if I genuinely loved a girl enough to feel she is compatible to be my life partner, no matter who was standing ahead of us- she would have been my partner for life. And I think it holds true for most people.

So, it hurts but moving ahead is the right thing. Don’t be harsh if he chooses to share anything, because perspectives matter a lot.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Ik09.
April 14, 2021 at 8:03 am #377687

Ik09
Participant

TeaK,

she might be trying to be a protective sister… but she has never in life approved of anyone I have ever been with. Leave my choice in partners. She never liked any decisions made by my parents either. So perhaps she had concern for me but if I chose him knowing all of his past, I feel she could have talked to me instead of making life difficult for me to the point that I chose to write anonymously on a forum to know whether I was wrong in hating her interference in my life.

Forget then, I spoke to her 3 weeks back because my ex struggled to make a decision so I decided I should make one for both of us. I called her and spoke to her frankly that I have to make a decision in his regard so I want to know everything from your end. All reasons for disapproving him. Her reason was can’t you leave him because I am saying so? I said I need to give him a reason for breaking up the relation so please tell me. If you care about me, you will talk to me about it so that I can make a well-informed decision. The only reason she spoke of then was that he has many debts to clear (it was true when they knew one another but he cleared all of the family debts as he worked past two years) and so is not a good match.

She made it a point to discuss the fact that he had a crush on her in front of my parents so it wasn’t something that was a secret to anyone apart from my younger brother. And this was another thing that made him insecure that my parents knew all this. And since it was from her perspective so obviously the narration had a few added elements as well.

I am not saying he is a saint and my sister is the devil but I feel it isn’t the other way round as well. All three of us are flawed with our insecurities and issues and our over-imaginative brains. I am speaking the truth that if he says that he never wanted to be involved with my sister…. I had celebrated the day my sister left for college like a festival. But unfortunately, the torment went on for much longer than that.

I just was so involved in the idea of us siblings like an unbreakable unit even if one of us treated us poorly as fed to us by our mum….even now when I say I will be present in her marriage and wish her the best but I won’t keep contact with her later, my mum breaks down in tears saying- don’t say this, you know how she is! how will she survive with her bad temper, without her siblings once we are gone??

I don’t know the answer to that but I have stayed being selfless and nothing but hurt came my way, I want to try being selfish too for sometime.
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