Hi Anita,

It was you who helped me last time, im very grateful that this was here to help as i didnt know where to turn.

My ex is not a realtor himself but his current girlfriend is. He has several properties and when they met, it seems she listed them. We were still together at that time and i am also in realestate, so i was hurt and confused as to why he did that. He told me at the time that he had gotten a special deal with her, that i couldn´t list them. It´s all very sordid.

I think from an early age i learned that, if i had gained something, others were jealous and that always made me feel bad. I really didn´t like it if someone was left out so i remember early on, saying self depreciating things. My sister has always been jealous of what i had, she has never come out and said anything about it but i know if i made more money and had more success she would not be happy. She in fact is more successful than me.

I think she always felt our parents loved me more. But she never talks about her feelings, there are only clues on few occasions, spiteful stabs at my mom or me when there is an argument. When she had a birthday and was newly single she came over with her old best friend from highschool, i brought my ex and was in a really happy state, i felt i was shining. She was really unhappy at that time. Her friend turned to her and said “uh, nothings changed here i see”. I realised it was a stab at myself and felt bad.

When i was a teenager my closest friend was very jealous.I loved horses and she got her parents to buy her one. A boyfriend i got was seemingly the one she wanted. She developed anorexia and one day in her bedroom she cried and said it was because of me and then couldnt explain why. but of course i felt so bad and ashamed. I think i recall her taking a photo of me for an art project where she did my makeup. I had a photo in my art book, i looked at it and the eyes had been scratched out…i don´t know who did it but guessed it was her. in our 20s i lived with her a short while to start working and met a roommate of hers, she told me that his sister in law had wanted her to get with him. My work was not as high powered as hers and she enjoyed telling me all of her successes, if i had something good happen she was silent. I eventually blocked her out of my life because i realised whenever i saw her, she made me feel bad.

Its hard to really want someone to like you. And to not be enough for others. I was with that guy several years, he proposed but it was not a fit, his family really didnt like me that much. They all had high powered jobs. She was right.

When i was a kid i remember looking at my sister´s friendships and being envious of that, they seemed so cool but they were older and i think that is normal. When i got with my last ex boyfriend i think i looked up to him in that way. Both of them made friends easily, they were popular. I was shy and self conscious. When i made friends, they seemed to focus a lot on my looks in the beginning.

What is also interesting is that only a few years ago, i achieved something amazing, my first home and renovation..my mother never wanted to come and see it. When she did finally, she seemed sulky and attributed the success to her suggestions.  I have done two renovations and she had the same reaction. I felt completely deflated.

I will say that i am “aware” of when i am feeling successful and confident and beautiful, when it feels like it is radiating out of me…and i feel that is dangerous, because bad things happen, i attract unhappy comments, unhappy people who feel its unfair somehow.

Hi Anita,

I think im in a negative spiral. Probably starting with that whole pattern from childhood….being the loser so that others can win. Finding that im happier seeing someone else smile than worrying about my own loss, misfortune or wishes. I dont know how to fix that because i said, i expect disasters where they are not. This may be a learned behaviour. But i find it really hard to believe that i have ended up so messed up and alone when i see and hear about people around me who seem to be much worse…but attract someone.

From your questions:

(1.) This was the first relationship that was so chaotic. earlier relationships were much softer, with no extremes.

(2.) I don´t believe i suffer from mood swings…but i know i suffer/suffered from depression. I had a nervous breakdown some years before, while i was in another relationship. It was due to a pressurized job where i felt i was overloaded.  I was crying so much one night and couldnt stop. It was a shock to the system to be unable to function. My partner was supportive but we ended up growing apart as i became depressed after and i felt a lot of failure that it didnt work out as i had no plan b. Change is not something easy for me but i left my home, my relationship, my job and the country i had lived in for some years…my parents had to support me and it was during the crisis years.

My general mood has always been more subdued than upbeat…more calm than happy. I was shy as a child and teenager. I studied art. I notice that for some people i come across depressed. But to me depression is something way worse.

..my last partner, who im writing about, did seem to have moments of anger. He would seem to get mad about something and nothing and could be vicious in what he said. He seemed to get mad in the kitchen and in the car..i dont know why. When i cried he seemed to get angrier and the first time that happened i was shocked. Usually if you love someone, you don´t want to see them in pain ..he wasn´t like that…the arguments would usually escalate. He threatened to leave me on the highway, he threatened to call the police. He called me names and asked me to leave ( i was living with him).

Over the last 3 years my work has increasingly become more and more stressful. Its a small company and a family member was brought in. This guy is now to the point where he appears to have almost total control, even over the boss, i am told she planned to eventually hand the company to him but she is not that old. Its horrible to watch and he is demeaning to those older colleagues who have worked there longer and with more experience. I understand… i should just leave…but again, im afraid to leave what i know and i feel like im always forced out, why should i go? But I feel stuck and angry about decisions they make and that makes me feel rage. So yeah, that could count as a mood changer.

Only just today they have stolen a sale from a colleague which will affect one of my best clients…this means my reputation is affected. These take years to build trust and minutes to destroy. But he will make a lot of money and simply says its good for the company and he will look good. The boss argued against me and is completely blind. I think i HAVE to leave.

I keep telling myself karma will do something to them but nothing happens, i am the one who is punished more and more. He appears to enjoy demeaning me, as i dont speak the language perfectly..he enjoys showing me expensive things he has bought as though id be impressed, and shows off at our meetings about things he has sold…its really obnoxious. I am told by others that he and his wife do not have a great reputation.

(3.) To a certain extent that is true. I have mostly feelings of failure, that im struggling so much in life. Ive taught myself a lot of the skills i have but dont find i get support or guidance. But ive had moments of feeling im better than others. I feel sometimes i have to believe that i am a god like figure to get past the injustices and hardships i have had. Some of the people i work with have little experience of the world and can come across to me very arrogant, because they are comfortable in their home and their place. I always feel i can learn from others but i dont think thats the case for some people.

(4) Im not sure i have any impulsive behaviours….im trying hard not to drink but thats about it.

(5) yes, i generally feel that way….i used to study art, it would involve keeping journals and drawing or painting….i havent been able to pick any of that back up in years. Ive done other things like knitting, renovations, taking photographs…but i cant seem to get started on projects it takes a mindset that i feel i dont have time for anymore.

My ex was demanding in that he expected from me, that i would also function as his assistant in his work..i did it because i loved him but he really abused it. At first when i was living with him it was like we were working towards the same goal but later i came to see i was serving a purpose for him. That he had no intentions of settling down with me and sharing.

I think in work i was referring to another colleague who was and is incredibly difficult to work with. She is highly demanding and basically needs a secretary to abuse. Ive told the boss to get her one and stop bothering me but they wont. Both her and this other guy are basically awful to deal with. When i say abuse, i mean; putting you down in front of clients, teasing in meetings and pointing out mistakes that lead back to you, calling persistently and then saying she has to go and hanging up, complaining in front of the boss if you told her to do something, so that the boss turns round and says `from now on we´ll do it the way she wants´, on occasion she would throw things at me or say some swear word to me…etc. She has had arguments with everyone in the company and i have a very weak boss. Ive recently changed my role so im not dealing so much directly with her but she still asks for stuff.

BUT somehow i also get on with her because she can be funny, we know each other quite well and can share a joke, she is able to be empathetic and kind…  i find it sad because i like her but she wont change…..same type of thing with the boyfriend right?

I started really getting into star signs some years ago ironically from the woman he first cheated with (spirtual healer and tarot reader) i started reading tarot and got totally obsessed with it, just reading my sign. My colleague is Libra like my mother and they are very similar in character, we get on really well until we dont then theres a big fallout. The boyfriend is Gemini and is certainly two-faced and has the energy of 7 people, always changing where he lives and who he is with. I am a Scorpio. I cant help being attracted to these energies but they are destructive.

Hi Anita,

On the negative spiral. Well. There are 3 lines of serious issues:

I started writing another book about my endless problems and wiped it, its too much. I have been working on this for about 3 hours. My nemesis at work, the family member is almost exactly like the character Pete in MadMen. So if you know that, you know im dealing with a snake. And he has the boss in his pocket by using emotional manipulation. She feels very responsible for her family and they benefit directly from the company doing well. I have worked there for 7 years and when he walked in 3 years ago i knew i had to find something else. But i cant find a better situation. My ideal would be to start my own company and i am trying to organise this with a friend but it all seems very uncertain and shaky. The atmosphere at this company is toxic.

The toxicity has most certainly led to my health problems. I took time off feeling exasperated with my unmoving boss (who used to be really open to ideas before he came) and was suffering anxiety and started feeling depression. Then all of a sudden my back gave out and i couldnt walk. I was almost happy, in fact i was but my back is a chronic pain problem..im not that old.

Throughout all this, at the back of my mind all day every day is my ex. Like a warm little light, i warm my hands on the memory of how i felt with him near me. When i feel bad, or good, when i win….i miss telling him and him being there. Of course i have tried to find someone new and just lose interest. Everywhere i go im reminded of him as though it was yesterday but i believe he broke up with me in 2019, sometime in spring maybe…ive forgotten when.

You asked about impulsive behaviour before and i forgot about one, the first time he cheated on me…which must be from 2017, i started watching tarot readings online obsessively..this was because his new girlfriend was a tarot reader and i wanted to know what it was about. I already kind of believed in starsigns but since that time i really watch a lot of these. It helps with the pain of not knowing and yet of course, it also makes you hopeful.

Hi Anita,

I´m not so comfortable with the idea of medications, when i took them previously i was on (at first) 20mg of an anti depressant. Not a very high level i think. I just felt really nothing for a long time. It numbed the edges of acute pain and everything went very flat, no highs or lows.

The acute reaction i had this time was much shorter than previous times. I feel the hurt, pain, i feel suicidal and desperate, i cry and then it evens off into nothing.  i feel fairly numb and flat even without taking meds. Im worried that taking meds will make me “disappear” into a fog. And once you are on them…doctors want you to stay on them at least a year.

The betrayal i felt this time. i dont know. I still held some hope he was interested in me. And i was conflicted by it because i knew it was wrong but its hard to erase. When he confirmed he was still seeing someone and then told me where she worked i just felt blindsided. Another type of betrayal. And the sting of suddenly being aware that all this time she was probably keeping an eye on me and my work…its creepy. It felt like she had personally attacked me, like it was nothing to do with him.

I want to know how to deal with the intense rage i felt….it seems to me i could have walked over to her office and thrown a brick through the window, i pictured dragging her by her hair…i felt so violent towards her. But luckily it has lasted only about 24hrs. I must admit, the work situation has kept me preoccupied anyway.

I go through phases of hating him and focusing on new things and work, to going through phases of fantasy, missing him and thinking he misses me. That is a problem, letting go. It is also because of the way he was on the phone before. He was flirtacious, asking if i was with somebody…he always asked that. He mentioned a guy at my work who i dont remember telling him about. He seems jealous. But that is quite possible…if he is that kind of person who wants to have all the girls…and keep them, its possible he is happy that i am alone and missing him. When we were together there really was a kind of electrical field of communication, a heightened sense of being on each others´mind, i would think of him and he would call etc. When these kind of things happen its very hard to forget it.

I want to know how to find a light at the end of the tunnel. Find peace.

Within the last few days since this happened, a lot of other things have gone wrong…i feel sometimes like i am being pushed over the edge of a cliff constantly. Im tired of seeing other people´s success when i know i have worked hard or harder than they have. Its like i feel my happiness and success is just an impossible dream.

Hi Anita,

Things seem to be heavily against me at the moment.. i am trying to adjust to a new role in sales when i am not naturally a sales person and i feel the pressure to make some money because im broke. The mean guy at work had an incredible day yesterday, and has 3 agreed high end sales. But these were only achieved by squashing others in the company as i said before, he seems to make money off the back of single-income women who form the rest of the team.

While last night i felt calmer writing to you, this morning my mind was in a washing machine cycle of thinking of him, then of the bad situation at work, then him..we have one property of his for sale listed by my colleague and i felt it hanging there, mocking me, with his girlfriend´s company´s sign on it..he never said why all this time, he made a fool of me. Today i thought to myself, “please Colleague, sell it, so i don’t have to see it anymore or hear about him anymore”.

Guess what? 2 hours later she informed us that he has sold it.

I should be happy it’s gone. If I do in fact have a telepathic connection with him, then he heard me but its a crazy coincidence. But…. I feel the strong emotions again welling up in my chest and tears threatening to fall… i have to go out and work and look successful and happy but I feel like crawling back into bed.

In my angry last text to him, I said my colleague could sell his house if she wanted to, but I wanted nothing more to do with him. I explained that at work I was asked about his properties all the time….thinking back and cringing at how, when we were still talking and civil, I had told everyone about another property of his, the house where she met us. where I lived for a while…thinking we might get to sell it. He led me on all that time, said we couldn’t put it online but it was on her website. There was clearly no chance it would have been allowed by her, and he made me look like a failure in my own workplace where I already struggle to get respect.

I understand well, that when i get news of him, it sends me into this state. But it never stops. And i crave news of him although i really have little knowledge, i only looked him up online a few times, i know others who immediately are following everything their ex does.

So, before today and this news….id say i feel fairly “flat” or “empty” most of the time. No acute anything. I dont exactly feel numb, as i associate that with the aftermath of feeling intense pain caused by some other person´s actions.

I KNOW very well, this is a kind of addiction.but ive really tried this time to forget him and move forward. Other guys have not interested me yet after 2 years and ive lost my libido as well. You have to wonder what i did in a former life that led to this. My boss thinks i feel like a victim too much…but she has not walked in my shoes and i find her increasingly arrogant. My friends have had similar experiences to me and feel sympathy but equally see no options where we are.