Hi Anita,

The walk was refreshing. I try to focus on my surroundings and not so much of what’s in my head.

Of course the usual memories come forward…..2 people riding bikes together; we rode together.  A couple working together as a team on fixing their car side view mirror; we worked very well as a team, fixed many things together.  A woman fishing; we loved to go fishing.  His ex actually never let him go fishing, something he loved.  One spring I said, let’s get our fishing licenses, we’re fishing this year.  It was something we loved to do together, even if we didn’t catch a thing.

Such a shame, such good memories.  These memories at this point don’t make me smile; they make me well up with tears.

I came home, pet the cat, and tried to busy myself with paperwork.  This is just so crappy.  I hate feeling this way.

Katie

we may never do them together again.  I may never catch him smiling at me when I’m casting my line.  I may never have him hold out his hand to touch mine as we’re riding bikes.  I may never help him cover the fig tree again.

Hi Anita,

I was thinking about that…..lasts.  You never know when something may be your last.  I recall the last time I told my father I loved him. He was in the hospital (back and forth from rehab for a few months), and we talked and I told him I loved him, which I had not said since I was a child.  I didn’t realize that was my last. My dad shortly after was unconscious and sent home on Hospice care.  He died 2 days later.

I try very hard to always let those in my circle know how I feel about them.  I guess in a way, knowing there could be a last.  Perhaps I also become too vulnerable.

My daughter was quite upset last night.  I think she felt her “last” with bf as well.  The difference is she misses him but is also angry; she feels she trusted him and now lost that trust.  I completely understand.  I asked her if she discusses this with her therapist and she said not really.  I told her to discuss it.  I’m thinking that bf owes her more than just an apology.  I’ll wait to see what her therapist says.  But in bf’s mind, I’m sure he’s thinking “I’m sorry” is enough.  (My daughter heard her father say I’m sorry way too many times.  She told him to stop saying I’m sorry and start changing what you say and do.) She had to grow up way to fast.

Bf communicated with me this weekend.  No mention of the past; told me he misses me.  I feel like there are so many other things going on in my life that it’s making it harder to deal with my emotions related to bf.  My daughter and her issues, my son leaving next Oct for Japan for 3 years (this was our last Thanksgiving together for 3 years), my mom aging and my reluctance to visit her, knowing bf’s in the same town.  I’m once again feeling this heavy weight.

This weekend I will put up my Christmas tree.  I’ve been dragging my feet a bit on this because bf and I always did this together.  But, my mom reminded me that that has been for the past 5 years.  I’ve had Christmases before him and will have Christmases after him.  My mom is my inspiration.  She so misses my dad but has the ability to keep going.

Katie

Hi Anita,

You’re right….what is there to expect from someone who has no sense of guilt, who feels he was wronged, who plays the victim.  As advised by my therapist, I will ask bf the next time he communicates how his therapy is going and see what response I get.  “Good” would not be good enough.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I’m starting to wonder how qualified this therapist is.  For him to tell that story and then have him practice forgiveness is crazy.  Even acceptance would be a bit off.

My therapist, who is a psychologist, would probably ask him very professionally why he feels he has anything to do with or should be concerned about any part of my life, especially when I was a teenager and we had no relationship at all.  I think my therapist would be a bit aggressive with this, not nasty aggressive, but want to know where he feels he has a right to judge my past as a young woman.  Who should judge his past?  He’d hold his feet to the fire so to say.

But, I think my daughter wants answers.  Her father died and left so many unanswered questions for her, and I think she will want to pursue this with bf.  And she has every right to.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I do see what you mean about keeping him out of her life so that he cannot hurt her more than she is hurting now.  I do want her to talk with her therapist to discuss what she wants.  Closure can be very therapeutic.

My therapist thought it best to ask bf what he’s working on in his therapy.  Let him tell me what has been discussed with his therapist.  In other words, don’t give him an answer to build upon.

Today was a bit of a downer for me.  I’m exhausted mentally.  I’m in front of the fireplace doing some online holiday shopping.  I am so not into going into the store with too many people and COVID, plus all the holiday fanfare in the stores just gets me down.  I get what I need and leave.

Now with the COVID numbers so high in the hospital, I feel like I need to come directly home after work and shower.  No stops along with way, which works in my favor.

I do miss him and so wish he didn’t screw everything up.  But, what’s done is done.  No going back.

Katie

Hi Anita,

This morning I made a point of putting my holiday wreath on my door before leaving for work.  I need to not have what’s going on in my life put my house in gloom during the holidays.  Will they be different this year?  For sure.  I thought of putting up a real tree, but now I’m not so sure.  I bought that artificial tree before bf and it’s my tree.  He helped me, while he was with me, put up the lights and the star on top.  My daughter helped me decorate, and when my son came home for the holiday, there was always one ornament for him to put on the tree.  I’ve always bought a new ornament for both my kids to put on the tree each year.  It’s tradition.

I still have one good cry a day, but I’m taking it one day at a time.  I’m trying to focus on my daughter, not so much on bf.  I need to get her to a good place, and this will in turn help me get to a good place, hopefully.

I hope you enjoyed your walk.  Cloudy here in the Northeast and quite cold.

Katie

Hi Anita,

If you recall, my ex-spouse was an abusive alcoholic.  His abuse was not just directed at me but at the kids as well.  My son was older when the abuse started to get really bad.  As the ex began to increase his drinking to a daily consumption, his abuse escalated.  An abuser gets worse when intoxicated, but not all alcoholics are abusers.  My daughter was quite young, 6ish when she realized what was going on, so her brain made many connections that need to be undone.

My son left for his undergrad education in 2008, but did come home on weekends.  While he was at college, that’s when the abuse got really bad.  My ex needed to drink in the morning, or he would sweat and shake, and it continued throughout the day, even at work.  He was a highly functional alcoholic until his last year of life.

My daughter was exposed to him smashing objects, verbally and emotionally abusing me, and physically abusing me as well.  He also verbally and emotionally abused the kids.  I couldn’t go out unless my son was home to take care of my daughter; she feared her father.  The few times that I did go over a friends house down the block, my daughter would hide from her father in a closet, call me, and tell me to come home.  He would talk very loudly in the house about what he thought about me, and then wanted to talk with my daughter.  That’s when she would hide.  There was one time ex was in the garage with her and I heard her start to cry.  As I opened the house door leading into the garage, he screamed in her face, “If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to punch you in the f’n face!”  I was horrified.  He’s punched holes in walls….you name it…he did it.  He always asked her if she wanted him to move out.  I told him she’s a little girl and she’s not to make decisions for him.   And I will be the one who says, and has said, you need to move out.  After finally did move out in 2010, I found a note in the garage from him, which be probably wrote while drinking, “K – I’ll slit you’re f’n throat.”  Oh Anita, I could go on and on.

I got over the bit of PTSD I had after he moved out.  It took awhile before my body didn’t jump when I heard the garage door opening.  It was my son coming home.  Ex was already moved out.

My daughter still has dreams of her father screaming at her and hiding from him.  She screams in her sleep at times.  She’s starting to have dreams of her, at her present age, yelling back at him…fighting back.  In her dreams she used to be a little girl, now she’s moved into adulthood.  Her therapist said that’s progress.  She has a very high fight trigger when she feels like she’s being cornered or mistreated.

This is something that she will always live with.  She needs to learn to cope with her triggers.  It’s still hard, and I don’t know if she’ll ever live a normal life.  I am hopeful, as always, hopeful Katie.  I could write a book.

Katie

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Katie.