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I thought he was my forever til the end

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Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 223 total)
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  • #370080
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    The walk was refreshing. I try to focus on my surroundings and not so much of what’s in my head.

    Of course the usual memories come forward…..2 people riding bikes together; we rode together.  A couple working together as a team on fixing their car side view mirror; we worked very well as a team, fixed many things together.  A woman fishing; we loved to go fishing.  His ex actually never let him go fishing, something he loved.  One spring I said, let’s get our fishing licenses, we’re fishing this year.  It was something we loved to do together, even if we didn’t catch a thing.

    Such a shame, such good memories.  These memories at this point don’t make me smile; they make me well up with tears.

    I came home, pet the cat, and tried to busy myself with paperwork.  This is just so crappy.  I hate feeling this way.

    Katie

    #370081
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    “such good memories.. make me well up with tears.. This is just so crappy. I hate feeling this way”. Can you complete the following sentence:

    I felt very good fishing and riding bikes with him; I feel crappy remembering these things because______________________.

    anita

    #370082
    Katie
    Participant

    we may never do them together again.  I may never catch him smiling at me when I’m casting my line.  I may never have him hold out his hand to touch mine as we’re riding bikes.  I may never help him cover the fig tree again.

    #370084
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    “I feel crappy remembering these things because we may never do them together again. I may never catch him smiling at me when I’m casting my line. I may never have him hold out his hand to  touch mine..”-

    Interesting, isn’t it, that after each time that he smiled at you, it could have been the last time. Every time he held your hand, it could have been the last time, never to experience it again, for a variety of possible, realistic reasons.

    There never was.. a forever. When I understand this Reality in my life- that there is no forever, that today may be all there is, the “never” doesn’t feel as tragic.

    anita

    #370196
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I was thinking about that…..lasts.  You never know when something may be your last.  I recall the last time I told my father I loved him. He was in the hospital (back and forth from rehab for a few months), and we talked and I told him I loved him, which I had not said since I was a child.  I didn’t realize that was my last. My dad shortly after was unconscious and sent home on Hospice care.  He died 2 days later.

    I try very hard to always let those in my circle know how I feel about them.  I guess in a way, knowing there could be a last.  Perhaps I also become too vulnerable.

    My daughter was quite upset last night.  I think she felt her “last” with bf as well.  The difference is she misses him but is also angry; she feels she trusted him and now lost that trust.  I completely understand.  I asked her if she discusses this with her therapist and she said not really.  I told her to discuss it.  I’m thinking that bf owes her more than just an apology.  I’ll wait to see what her therapist says.  But in bf’s mind, I’m sure he’s thinking “I’m sorry” is enough.  (My daughter heard her father say I’m sorry way too many times.  She told him to stop saying I’m sorry and start changing what you say and do.) She had to grow up way to fast.

    Bf communicated with me this weekend.  No mention of the past; told me he misses me.  I feel like there are so many other things going on in my life that it’s making it harder to deal with my emotions related to bf.  My daughter and her issues, my son leaving next Oct for Japan for 3 years (this was our last Thanksgiving together for 3 years), my mom aging and my reluctance to visit her, knowing bf’s in the same town.  I’m once again feeling this heavy weight.

    This weekend I will put up my Christmas tree.  I’ve been dragging my feet a bit on this because bf and I always did this together.  But, my mom reminded me that that has been for the past 5 years.  I’ve had Christmases before him and will have Christmases after him.  My mom is my inspiration.  She so misses my dad but has the ability to keep going.

    Katie

    #370205
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    Japan- how exciting for your son, isn’t it?

    I read: “This weekend I will put up my Christmas tree. I’ve been dragging my feet a bit on this because bf and I always did this together”, and I thought to myself: not always, far from always, most of your life happened before bf was of any significance in your life. Then I proceeded to read: “But, my mom reminded me that that has been for the past 5 years. I’ve had Christmases before him”- bingo, so I don’t have to  point this out to you.

    I also share your daughter feeling of anger at bf, even though I never met him and am not personally involved. It is not that he made a mistake and after a few days at the most apologized sincerely for it- he’s been wrong for way too long while not feeling guilty for it. He communicates with you, tells you he misses you and whatnot.. but he doesn’t express guilt. Seems like he is not aware that he has wronged you and your daughter!

    “she feels she trusted him and now  lost that trust”- and he doesn’t seem to be aware of the facts that he indeed betrayed her trust in him, and your trust in him. Without an awareness on his part, without a sense of valid guilt, what is there to expect from him…(?)

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by .
    #370212
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You’re right….what is there to expect from someone who has no sense of guilt, who feels he was wronged, who plays the victim.  As advised by my therapist, I will ask bf the next time he communicates how his therapy is going and see what response I get.  “Good” would not be good enough.

    Katie

    #370215
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    I think that it is time (almost?) to stop waiting for him. I think that it’s a good idea to start the new year fresh. I remember now, reading your recent post, that you wrote earlier that he plays the victim role well. That’s the very annoying part- he wronged you (and your daughter) and yet he feels that he was wronged by you (and, to make it even more insane, he feels that you wronged him for what may or may not have happened in your life about four decades before he entered your life!)

    “I will ask bf next time .. how his therapy is going and see what response I get”- good choice. The fact that he did not yet apologize to you tells me that he did not yet make the minimal progress in therapy to understand that he wronged you. Maybe in his mind, he is trying to.. forgive you, maybe that’s where he is at, in therapy.

    anita

    #370224
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I’m starting to wonder how qualified this therapist is.  For him to tell that story and then have him practice forgiveness is crazy.  Even acceptance would be a bit off.

    My therapist, who is a psychologist, would probably ask him very professionally why he feels he has anything to do with or should be concerned about any part of my life, especially when I was a teenager and we had no relationship at all.  I think my therapist would be a bit aggressive with this, not nasty aggressive, but want to know where he feels he has a right to judge my past as a young woman.  Who should judge his past?  He’d hold his feet to the fire so to say.

    But, I think my daughter wants answers.  Her father died and left so many unanswered questions for her, and I think she will want to pursue this with bf.  And she has every right to.

    Katie

     

    #370231
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    “I think my daughter wants answers”- now that you know that bf is not mentally healthy, knowing that he is not rational and that he believes that he is a victim when hurting those who love and trust him- for a long period of time, with no expressed guilt- better you protect your daughter from this man, this “bf”, and keep him out of her life. It is bad enough that she had her father who hurt her badly, don’t give this “bf” the opportunity to hurt her again.

    When you do ask “bf” about his therapy, as you plan to do, what if you ask him something like: I was wondering if you are working in therapy on forgive me, if you are closer now to forgiving me..(?)

    anita

     

    #370325
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I do see what you mean about keeping him out of her life so that he cannot hurt her more than she is hurting now.  I do want her to talk with her therapist to discuss what she wants.  Closure can be very therapeutic.

    My therapist thought it best to ask bf what he’s working on in his therapy.  Let him tell me what has been discussed with his therapist.  In other words, don’t give him an answer to build upon.

    Today was a bit of a downer for me.  I’m exhausted mentally.  I’m in front of the fireplace doing some online holiday shopping.  I am so not into going into the store with too many people and COVID, plus all the holiday fanfare in the stores just gets me down.  I get what I need and leave.

    Now with the COVID numbers so high in the hospital, I feel like I need to come directly home after work and shower.  No stops along with way, which works in my favor.

    I do miss him and so wish he didn’t screw everything up.  But, what’s done is done.  No going back.

    Katie

    #370327
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    I was planning on shopping at a store for a few gifts, but figure I better do it online, for the same reason you brought up. The infections are predicted to go up a week or so after the weekend holiday, a surge on top of the (fall/winter wave) surge.

    I understand your therapist’s suggestion to ask him an open ended question (you have a smart therapist!), I thought about it myself when I posted to you last, but I was annoyed over the idea that he was working on .. forgiving you that I jumped into the idea of you finding out if that’s the (absurd) thing he was working on.

    I am going to try to lie down for a short while before going on my 3.5 mile daily walk, something I don’t usually do. It is unusually bright out there and the sky is amazingly light blue, free of clouds, very unusual in the Pacific North West.

    anita

    #370355
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    This morning I made a point of putting my holiday wreath on my door before leaving for work.  I need to not have what’s going on in my life put my house in gloom during the holidays.  Will they be different this year?  For sure.  I thought of putting up a real tree, but now I’m not so sure.  I bought that artificial tree before bf and it’s my tree.  He helped me, while he was with me, put up the lights and the star on top.  My daughter helped me decorate, and when my son came home for the holiday, there was always one ornament for him to put on the tree.  I’ve always bought a new ornament for both my kids to put on the tree each year.  It’s tradition.

    I still have one good cry a day, but I’m taking it one day at a time.  I’m trying to focus on my daughter, not so much on bf.  I need to get her to a good place, and this will in turn help me get to a good place, hopefully.

    I hope you enjoyed your walk.  Cloudy here in the Northeast and quite cold.

    Katie

    #370360
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    Still unusually clear and sunny here, although sunny does not mean warm. I have an image of the holiday wreath on your door- makes me smile. Regarding your daughter’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder diagnosis: what was the specific event or events constituting the Trauma of her PTSD?

    I am fine with you not answering this question, as it may cause you anxiety and/or you’re at work and it’s not the time. Whatever I ask you, answer only if you feel like it, or you think there is a point to it.

    anita

    #370364
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    If you recall, my ex-spouse was an abusive alcoholic.  His abuse was not just directed at me but at the kids as well.  My son was older when the abuse started to get really bad.  As the ex began to increase his drinking to a daily consumption, his abuse escalated.  An abuser gets worse when intoxicated, but not all alcoholics are abusers.  My daughter was quite young, 6ish when she realized what was going on, so her brain made many connections that need to be undone.

    My son left for his undergrad education in 2008, but did come home on weekends.  While he was at college, that’s when the abuse got really bad.  My ex needed to drink in the morning, or he would sweat and shake, and it continued throughout the day, even at work.  He was a highly functional alcoholic until his last year of life.

    My daughter was exposed to him smashing objects, verbally and emotionally abusing me, and physically abusing me as well.  He also verbally and emotionally abused the kids.  I couldn’t go out unless my son was home to take care of my daughter; she feared her father.  The few times that I did go over a friends house down the block, my daughter would hide from her father in a closet, call me, and tell me to come home.  He would talk very loudly in the house about what he thought about me, and then wanted to talk with my daughter.  That’s when she would hide.  There was one time ex was in the garage with her and I heard her start to cry.  As I opened the house door leading into the garage, he screamed in her face, “If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to punch you in the f’n face!”  I was horrified.  He’s punched holes in walls….you name it…he did it.  He always asked her if she wanted him to move out.  I told him she’s a little girl and she’s not to make decisions for him.   And I will be the one who says, and has said, you need to move out.  After finally did move out in 2010, I found a note in the garage from him, which be probably wrote while drinking, “K – I’ll slit you’re f’n throat.”  Oh Anita, I could go on and on.

    I got over the bit of PTSD I had after he moved out.  It took awhile before my body didn’t jump when I heard the garage door opening.  It was my son coming home.  Ex was already moved out.

    My daughter still has dreams of her father screaming at her and hiding from him.  She screams in her sleep at times.  She’s starting to have dreams of her, at her present age, yelling back at him…fighting back.  In her dreams she used to be a little girl, now she’s moved into adulthood.  Her therapist said that’s progress.  She has a very high fight trigger when she feels like she’s being cornered or mistreated.

    This is something that she will always live with.  She needs to learn to cope with her triggers.  It’s still hard, and I don’t know if she’ll ever live a normal life.  I am hopeful, as always, hopeful Katie.  I could write a book.

    Katie

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Katie.
Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 223 total)

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