Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→I want to be normal
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June 10, 2022 at 4:09 am #402028
MaxParticipantthis is useful information
June 10, 2022 at 1:53 pm #402053
AnonymousGuest* Dear Max: would you like to elaborate on what information is useful for you?
anita
June 11, 2022 at 1:24 am #402242
samyParticipantHi anita
I don’t feel like I am putting on a show when I’m angry. But I am not really talking about feelings. I still think personality is the word for it. I don’t know how else to describe it. Some people are quiet, others are talkative. It is pretty consistent. For me it doesn’t feel so. I can’t figure out who I am in that sense. What is the true expression of me in this world. Am I truly empathetic? assertive? humble? I can’t figure this out. And as I’ve said earlier, this seems important to me. I want to feel like I am here, this is me. But it feels like I have no grounding.
Your analysis is spot on. I have often felt that my lack of interests is because of how pathetic my parents were in treating us as individual human beings. Now as you’ve said it must be the explanation for my personality as well.
I’ve been trained to survive this life. So personality is another tool to survive. Everything is a tool for my life to go forward. Doesn’t matter what I am paying to survive. Survive as per the terms set by them.
I think there’s just apathy from me at this point. Everyone is just a person. Just another person. They will matter or my interactions with them only matter if I care. I could simply stop caring about anything that was said or being said and it won’t matter anymore. But unfortunately, I wasn’t taught that. So people’s opinions also mattered for my survival. Until I realized it didn’t. I don’t want to survive anymore. I want to live. As I live, the layers will peel away.
I wonder what SEEing is though. I can’t see myself.
I’ll always remember you too, you’ve had a big impact on him and I respect your intentions of helping people here.
It is interesting that MIRRORS were the highlight of your post.
Girija
June 11, 2022 at 1:32 am #402243samyParticipantHi Roberta
There are many greats who asked “who am I”. But that was more existential in nature. I don’t want to even know why my purpose is. Are we all the same as babies, I think we are. As we grow up, our experiences and people around us make us who we are. That which you then become is pretty consistent. You sre right in saying that the situation can often dictate how we behave. Reaction instead of response. But there is a general outline to what people are. I am all over the place. And it is causing me a lot of angst. There is a sense of grounding in knowing who you are. A serious person, a funny person. I don’t. And I come out of situations not sure why I was the way I was. I didn’t just diverge. It was who I was but doesn’t feel authentic.
Those guidelines are nice. They will help me. Thank you for that. I could use those. But the moment-to-moment and day-to-day is bothering me too much.
Girija
June 11, 2022 at 6:55 am #402244
RobertaParticipantHi Girija
I like your use of Authentic. I have seen both introverts & extroverts be kind, generous, happy, empathetic or angry, jealous or mean so maybe it is how a person conducts themselves is important also what is the motivation behind it and then what is the story behind the motivation?
Who or what ever we are we can consciously start to take little steps to nurture the traits/motivations we want to have.
For me the more I act from a place of consciousness moment to moment in the everday ordinariness, the more authentic I feel but I am not sure I could stick a permanent label of what type of personalty I have.
Hope you are having moments of contentment this weekend
Roberta
June 11, 2022 at 7:12 am #402245AnonymousGuestDear Girija:
“What is the true expressions of me in this world. Am I truly empathetic? assertive? humble? … I have no grounding… I can’t see myself.. I am all over the place” –
– not grounded, all over the place… if you take a photo of something that moves too fast, something that doesn’t stay still long enough, you get a blur in the photo. You can’t see the thing that you would see if it was grounded, if it stood still long enough.
“our experiences and people around us make us who we are” – your experiences and people around you made you blurry.
“I’ve been trained to survive in this life… I don’t want to survive anymore. I want to live” – to live then, you’d need to stay still long enough to see yourself.
Literally, you are in one place at any one time and you can see yourself in the mirror. Figuratively, you can’t because inside of you, you are moving too fast, avoiding or running away, or hiding.
Practically, what does this all mean. What is it that you need to do to be grounded? is it that the people around you who made you who you are- are still there in the house where you live… are they keeping you blurry?
anita
June 11, 2022 at 8:15 am #402248RobertaParticipantHi Girija
I think my previous answers maybe a bit to wishy washy.
So here is an example:
I want to be kind/ more kind – great aspiration to have.
Some one who has been less than skillfull in their dealings with you in the past asks you to put out the rubbish.
Is there request reasonable, is it time sensitive? ie the garbage lorry is due in shortly 15 mins
what are your immediate needs ( I need to go to the toilet). an honest reply I need to go to the loo then I will do it.
Question to self what am I willing to do and what do I willingly?
Go to toilet then take out garbage maybe even ask if there is anything else you can help with. That person will feel seen & heard. You have been aware & nurtured your kindness. and you may feel that that interaction was authentic.
Got to go to work
regards Roberta
June 12, 2022 at 11:18 am #402313AnonymousGuestDear Girija:
“I don’t know who I am… I am mostly a reaction to.. people around me… I think there’s just apathy from me at this point. Everyone is just a person. Just another person.. I respect your intention of helping people here” –
– intention aside, I don’t think that I helped you any (not more than temporarily making you feel better, not recently, but long ago). I am not surprised and I am very humble in regard to my ability to help people: people need so much more than words on the screen, no matter how sincerely felt, no matter how interesting any of my analyses may be, maybe.
I repeatedly shared here that my purpose in these forums is to learn and to encourage others to learn, learning of the kind that promotes emotional healing. So, what is there for me to learn today and how can I encourage apathetic Girija to learn?
I can think of no other way but one: for me, to give up, to stop chasing you, figuratively.. what good has that done. And so, I give up.
If, and only IF you sincerely want to engage with me in an honest, rewarding conversation, let me know, make the initiative (be the Actor in your life vs the Reactor) and show me, in that initiative, that you are motivated to talk with me, that you have some kind of hope that talking with me more has the potential to help you. Otherwise, following (how many years?) of communicating, I withdraw from this thread and wish you well!
anita
June 13, 2022 at 7:52 am #402336samyParticipantHi Roberta
I understand what you are saying. It is to slow down and give myself time to respond. And be intentional in how I respond or act. I will follow that. I have a habit of zooming past the day with a couple of things occupying my mind. And I am possibly reacting to things on the surface level due to a lack of space in my head to process the present moment.
Girija
June 13, 2022 at 7:56 am #402338samyParticipantHi anita
Asking me to show initiative is a fair ask. I don’t know how to show it in a way that convinces you of my motivation.
I respect your decision to withdraw. Thank you for your time.
Girija
June 13, 2022 at 8:04 am #402339AnonymousGuestDear Girija:
You are welcome. I respect your decision to not show me that you have an interest of any significance in continuing our conversation.
anita
June 14, 2022 at 7:42 pm #402437AnonymousGuestOne more thing, Girija: if (if) you ever change your mind and heart and see a reason, a purpose and a hope in talking with me, let me know. Best to you either way!
anita
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