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In a dilemma

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This topic contains 28 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #303297

    Lost soul
    Participant

    Hi,

    This is my second post. I have posted on this forum back in January 2019 when I was dating someone who was not into it. Well we broke up in February, after that I gave myself a break from the dating scene and concentrated on myself. My mother has registered me on a matrimonial website and last month on June 4, 2019 I spoke to a guy who doesn’t live in the same city.

    Initially I was a little reluctant to call him up but my mother somehow persuaded me to speak to him once and I called him up. We had a great conversation, at least I felt it was a great conversation. Well, in the beginning he took a little time to open up but eventually we started talking and it’s been over a month now. We decided to meet and he promised me three times that he would come to see me in my city. First time he bailed on me because he said his father was getting operated, which he didn’t for some reason. I believed him and he said he would come the following weekend. Next weekend again on Friday he gave me some reason that work was bad and he couldn’t book his tickets. I was really heartbroken and we had a huge fight with me telling him that I want to end this. He somehow convinced me and promised to come on July 13, 2019. Throughout the week I asked him if he had booked his tickets and he told me has. On July 11 I asked him what time he will be landing, to which he changed the topic and refused to give me the details. Thursday night he disappeared on me, which is very unlike him because I know he sleeps quite late.  He didn’t reply to my calls or texts and on Friday afternoon I asked him if he was coming or not. To which he said that he was not coming due to some XYZ reason. Again I was extremely hurt and upset and told him it’s over between us because it’s the third time he cancelled meeting me. He didn’t bother calling me back but just said that he knows he has hurt me and understands where I am coming from and respects my decision of ending it. I called him up Friday night and he said he was scared to talk to me because he knew we would fight.

    He claims to love me and asked me not to end it. But I don’t know if he genuinely means it and if I should wait for him. He said he will be see me soon. But I don’t know what to do.

    #303305

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Lost Soul,

    This man that you have never met claims to love you and has asked you not to “end it”.  There is nothing to “end”.  He’s backed out of meeting you on at least three occasions.  Once – O.K. if it is genuine.  Twice – maybe.  Three times – NO.

    If you don’t know what to do then do nothing.  This is going nowhere.  Don’t believe him when he says he loves you and will see you soon.  His actions are saying the opposite.

    I don’t know how old you are but I am concerned that your mother wants to marry you off.  Is this what you want?  Are you prepared to marry someone to please your mother?  How important is your own happiness in all this?  Are you able to communicate with your mother?

    I hope you can find your way through this.

    Peggy

     

    #303307

    Lost soul
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Peggy,</p>
    Thank you for your reply. I am 27 years old and I do want to settle down now. Hence, I decided to speak to him. My family is not the type to pressurise me. I do like this guy but as you said his actions are saying something else. I dropped him a text saying that if you are genuinely not interested in coming and meeting me ever, then I would appreciate you being honest about it.

    #303309

    Raju
    Participant

    Hi Lost Soul,

    You have been together just for the last one odd month or so and developing strong liking for each other or any kind of bonding, in such a short span of time, is unlikely.

    Further, in the beginning of a relationship one tries to build trust and if at this stage itself one does not keep to his words repeatedly and more over not even bothers to respond text messages and calls that means there is something which we are over-looking.  Here, the best policy is just wait and watch and you need to think twice before moving further from here onwards.

    Raju

    #303311

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Lost Soul,

    Thank you for responding and answering my questions.

    As a principle, I don’t think it is a good thing to be on a website which specifically targets those wishing to marry.  I personally think that it puts too much pressure on those taking part.  I think that it is better to let a relationship develop gradually over the course of a few months, get to know someone face to face, find out whether you have shared interests, similar values and so on.  This does of course mean that they would live in your district (close by).

    It’s good that you’ve asked him to be honest with you but, if he does make a further arrangement with you as I suspect he will, make sure that he knows that you won’t accept any more excuses and that this is his very last chance.

    Good Luck.

    Peggy

    #303313

    Lost soul
    Participant

    Hi Raju,

     

    I agree it is slightly unlikely to develop strong feelings in such a short span of time. But talking everyday day and night, I did invest myself emotionally to this so called relationship. Lately he seems distant and on Friday night he told me how about you start speaking to other guys and when I show up you give me another chance. I don’t know what he means by saying this. He knows I like him a lot and has probably taken me for granted. I dropped him a text saying that I can’t do this anymore because I can’t convince myself to trust him. To which he said that something is wrong with me and he is at work. I know I should just let it go as he cancelled his plans to see me everytime we decided to meet.

    #303317

    Lost soul
    Participant

    Hi Peggy,

    When I first asked him to meet me, he readily agreed not like I had to persuade him. When the third time he cancelled on me I asked him why do you even want to continue talking to me if you have no intention of meeting?

    I feel for a relationship to grow, it is necessary that we meet each other once, considering he lives in a different city altogether.

    #303319

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Lost soul,

    There is no dilemma. Block him if you can. He’s a flake at best or hiding something at worst.

    Next time date someone in your town! Or half an hour drive at the farthest! Then you could at least go over and see him or be able to suss out the scene.

    Best,

    Inky

    #303321

    Lost soul
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Inky,</p>
    I have tried doing that and I feel it hardly matters to him. What pisses me off more is the fact is that I believed someone who bailed on me twice before.

    #303367

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi lost soul!

    Regarding blocking him, you are basically doing that to cut contact and move on, not so that it will matter to him.  I feel you should definitely cut your losses at this point.  It’s possible he’s just scared to meet you/scared of commitment/etc., but with him living so far away (he needs to buy a plane ticket to get to you), it would be extremely hard to develop the type of relationship that would lead to a good marriage, with you two not seeing each other very much. In-person contact and time spent is very important when it comes to developing relationships, especially new ones. And they key word there is “GOOD” marriage.  You want someone whose actions line up with his words and who will do what he says he’s going to do… that way you’ll know you can always count on him, right?

    I agree with Inky. It’d be best to just stop talking to this guy altogether and find someone in your own town. You can do this by joining clubs, taking part in different activities around town, see if any of your friends know any good guys or have any relatives close by that might be a good fit for you, etc. And, whatever you do, when you start dating someone, make sure their actions line up with their words. That is so, so important.

    #303371

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Lost Soul,

    Even though you have invested a certain amount of time and emotion into this potential marriage partner!!!, he is clearly telling you in more ways than one that he is not interested in you.  The point I was making in looking for a “marriage partner” is that you may come over as seeming desperate and the other person will back off.  Everyone who has replied to you has said the same thing.  Let this go.  There is no dilemma.  Refuse to have anything more to do with him.  It’s far better to be angry now over the way you have been let down than to let this situation continue with this accomplished liar.  Take control.  There is nothing wrong with you for wanting trust, respect, consideration and truth.  Nothing.

    Peggy

     

    #303381

    Lost soul
    Participant

    Hi Valora and Peggy,

    Thank you for your reply. He texted me back by saying that we have already discussed all this before and I don’t want to have a discussion about it again. To which I asked him, if he doesn’t care? He said he is at work and to save the drama for later. I told him, let’s end this then since he doesn’t care and I can’t deal with his uncertain decisions anymore. He said ok and I replied that I won’t bother him again. It hurts because I trusted someone after a very long time and I thought he genuinely liked me back but I guess I was too naive to understand. He may possibly be talking to someone from his city right now, for all I know. His birthday is coming up soon and I was looking at flight tickets to go meet him. But now, I don’t know if it is a good idea.

    #303385

    Lost soul
    Participant

    Hi Peggy,

    The thing about marriage is that he knows we both are talking to each other for the purpose of getting married. Initially, his mother was not comfortable with the idea of somebody being from a different city but he assured me saying if we get along then distance doesn’t matter. We did have differences with me arguing with him almost every other night as he would not give me enough time. I don’t know if this put him off and he decided to not come and meet me.

    #303393

    Valora
    Participant

    We did have differences with me arguing with him almost every other night as he would not give me enough time.

    Hi Lost soul,

    You have known each other for just over a month, which is a very, very short time. The fact that you are having such differences and arguing already speaks volumes to the fact that he is not someone who can meet your needs. It’s possible he realized that, and that may be why he backed off. The best advice I can give you is to figure out what your needs are (like someone who will spend a certain amount of time with you/talking to you and figure out how much time that is) and then find someone who will meet those needs.  A couple should not be arguing every other night after only a month… the first few months are generally a blissful period with very little arguing, so it doesn’t bode well if couples are arguing regularly after only 1 month.

    #303401

    Lost soul
    Participant

    Hi Valora,

    The problem is that he is a very practical person and I am the complete opposite. We video call every night but often he would check his mails and do other things, which made me upset and I have expressed it to him. I did tell him that we have very less things in common to talk about. He does try to communicate but I don’t know what to do now. A part of me does not want to give up on him.

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