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Instant attractions

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  • #44763
    Omion
    Participant

    Hello, just wanted to say how interesting and informative these forums are and also ask for some advice on a recurring relationship issue of mine.

    I fall in love really easily and quickly and often before I know the person, sometimes just by seeing them mixed with an overacting imagination. I know it sounds quite juvenile and it is, I’ve been doing it since I was in primary school. But it causes me a lot of distress and anxiety, which is stupid because the person on the other end often hasn’t got a clue what my problem is.

    I guess I just want to know why it is some people fall in love so easily and whether anyone has a Buddhist perspective on why we sometimes develop such instant, intense attractions/connections with people. Did we know them in our past life? Is there a reason we should get to know them? etc.

    Thanks!

    #44816
    ladybug
    Participant

    Hi Omion,

    I don’t have much to offer in the way of a Buddhist perspective as I’m just learning but I found this question really interesting because I have the opposite problem. I have met the most amazing person and I have never felt like this before – I didn’t believe I would ever be in love/ know what it is. But I’m terrified. I have butterflies all the time thinking about him but then I start to overthink and the butterflies start thrashing around. I can’t believe that it could actually be love and I’m scared he’s going to let me down but I’m trying to stop digging my heels in or I’ll could ruin it that way to.
    I thought about this when I read your story because from my point of view you are lucky to be able to fall in love and trust love so much!
    That is part of my concern with this person, they seem to have fallen like me but I don’t know whether he can be feeling what I’m feeling.
    People find it so hard to take others feelings genuinely especially now as relationships are becoming less restrictive, its hard to trust that someone actually loves you if you don’t feel like they know the real you.

    Luck,
    Lily

    #45377
    River Christian
    Participant

    Hello. It sounds like you didn’t get the love you needed growing up so you are looking for it in any person you can. The only problem with this is that you don’t get to know the person enough before you fall in love. Then they can turn out to be a maniac and you are already emotionally invested in the relationship. Take a breath. Slow down.

    River.

    #45380
    omarkaviles
    Participant

    Hi Omion and Ladybug,

    Thank you for the topic and both your perspectives on instant attractions. I find myself in Omion’s realm of trusting and putting my heart on my sleeve. However, I have started to do the opposite in behaving and thinking as Ladybug describes in terms of trusting myself to believe that person even likes me.

    It is really is hard to think so much about how that other person thinks, feels, and sees in me. I guess I’m not a mind reader; If I was a mind reader that would help me with my dilemma of finding out the truth.

    And why find out their truth? in my opinion, and just opinion, nothing base on fact or experience: Because I want them to feel the same way I feel for them. I want a safe, even exchange of feelings and that I find is not the case. I have to realize I have my own feelings and they own theirs. Their truths are not mine to own, but to see, respect, and accept what they express and show.

    In my truths, I have a attraction to alot of people, but that fizzles out pretty quickly. I guess, that is what I do.

    I have experience or what I think in my opinion is love and that is where I’m most blinded by. When I think about that person too much, or talk about them too much, or want to see them every waking moment, or obsess over them, I start hearing myself saying the “love” word. This usually sets me up for fantasy, making up my own narratives, and creating a relationship that I’m the producer, directors and star at the same time. That is a pretty lonely, awful, selfish world. I have done this many times. So I equate instant attractions to love; When I step back, and recover from crying, anger, shame, and vowing to never do that again, is when I realized I rush everything and did not let time and patience, and trust that someone who does like me, will get to even love me and say it, express it, and be it with me.

    However, my emotions and my ideas of love can’t be describe in words;– No, it’s when I’m thinking of how wonderful it would be to be in a loving home with that one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. That is how I would like to describe love in this time of my life.

    I’m sorry if I only share opinions and went of topic, but I just felt compel to write what I’m going through now in my experiences with instant attractions.

    -Omar

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by omarkaviles. Reason: grammar1
    #45437
    JoJOe
    Participant

    As my mother said after ordering too much on the menu
    “your eyes are too big for your stomach”

    #46756
    Lily
    Participant

    Hello there,

    I dont have much to add to this discussion because I too am someone who falls for guys quickly – not often, never based on physical characteristics – but when I do, maaaan, does it drive me crazy. I tend to put them on a pedestal without knowing them too well and this makes everything very complicated. I didnt get a great deal of love growing up and I think I tend to seek it from just about anyone.

    I have learnt over the past year that I need to wait to see if they are worthy of everything I have to offer. In other words, like it was suggested – Take a breath. Slow down.

    And I truly loved what Omar had to say, there is the whole truth there and something I should have tattooed on my forehead – “When I step back, and recover from crying, anger, shame, and vowing to never do that again, is when I realized I rush everything and did not let time and patience, and trust that someone who does like me, will get to even love me and say it, express it, and be it with me.”

    THAT there is what it all comes down to – dont rush, let time and patience reveal what it is meant to be and trust that everything we are is worthy of healthy, strong, deep love.

    A lesson I am trying to learn everyday ๐Ÿ™‚

    #46760
    Omion
    Participant

    Thanks all for your advice and comments, it’s nice to know other people have the same issues! I think that patience is definitely the keyword here. and now that I think about it, patience could really help in other areas of my life too. What River said about not getting to experience much love growing up resonates too. My parents always showed me love but they aren’t very affectionate or romantic to each other and my brother is very closed/embarrassed about talking about love too. He’s almost thirty and not once talked to me about someone he fancies or anything like that. I think low self esteem also plays a big role. I guess I just don’t know how to behave when feelings for someone arise but from now on I’ll try to be patient and get to know the person as a friend before thinking about them as a lover.

    Thanks, this has all been really helpful.

    #46871
    IslandLife
    Participant

    I can relate to these posts.

    I can instantly love someone, which sometimes makes me feel shallow. I mean, its no always a physical / sexual thing, sometime I just love a persons energy, or way of expressing themselves. Sometimes it can be a physical thing though!

    If you are the kind of person that does this and has posted here I don’t think it should be seen as a negative.

    You are not your thoughts and you don’t need to react to your thoughts. I think it is animal attraction

    #46924
    Jade
    Participant

    Iโ€™ve brought this up before but has anyone heard of a limerance? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerance

    I donโ€™t fall for people very often at all, but when I do, they become a limerance object. The attraction is intense and all-encompassing!

    #47002
    Lily
    Participant

    Thank you Jade – that was an interesting read. I can see myself doing some of these things but not all. I’ll try to read more about it.

    Omion – I do not have a Buddhist perspective to provide but I do understand where you are coming from. As a potential solution that might work..or atleast works for me is to remember that I am not my thoughts (thanks IslandLife!) and that I dont need to act on these thoughts or desires. More importantly, I remind myself that this person is someone I dont know and until I get to know them properly, I do not actually know if they are someone who will be suitable to have a relationship with. I do have a very over active imagination too and I find that reminding myself of “I dont really know him, I dont even know if he is a good person, forget knowing if we will work together based on similar values” and nipping these imaginations at the bud helps a lot. Just try to keep bringing yourself back to the present when the imaginations take over – you are here and you are exactly where NEED to be. You do not need to be there with them and if it is meant to be, they will be yours.

    And patience, patience, patience! (I remind myself the same ALL the time) I had a similar family life as a child and have had issues with self-worth, self-esteem and abandonment. But this is all the more reason to take it slow (sloooooooow) to find out if this person is worthy of who you are (which takes time = patience and sloooow), will understand you and ‘work’ with and in your life.

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