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Is it me or just her? Need some guidance and advice

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This topic contains 89 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  JHK 3 hours, 7 minutes ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 90 total)
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  • #298211

    JHK
    Participant

    Hello Michelle, enjoy your hike.

    Both of me and her are seeking our happiness and if only the happiness that we seek are each other of us.

    As of now, somehow it isn’t the right time to bring up the topic but I wish something romantically will have happened between us. I was surprised that she didn’t bring up the topic regarding me having a crush on her.

    But her negligence towards friends or people can be risky because people might misinterpret her to be unfriendly and less caring. It is important how we treat every individual fairly and equally no matter how much or close we know the person.

    Actually, I did bring up, stating that she used to be engaging in conversation and I enjoy my conversation with her but somehow she starts to be less engaging these days. I also told her that I care but my mistake was I care too much and it may seem to be annoying at times. I do agree that at times when she needed her alone time, I am being too pushy to find out what’s wrong with her or perhaps it is just because I care too much for her. Maybe even being thoughtful has its limits too.  Will it be too much if I ask that she enjoy my company at times if it seems appropriate?

    I don’t go out with her often, most of the times we will turn up for colleagues gathering. Actually a few months ago, she did ask me out because both of us got a place we want to visit and it is still in the midst of planning out the activities that we will be doing. But I am taking it as a friend outing even though a few of my friends that I share this with are saying that it is a date.

    I haven’t been texting her for a few days even though I am tempted to at times, but the way it is, texting her is a way for me to know how she is feeling because sometimes we don’t get to talk to each other at work.

    I am actually scared but not because to lose her but more of affecting what it is between us. Both of us are still treating each other as friends. But I realise that what if I misinterpret my own feelings, I treat her as a good friend but I thought it is a crush but somehow every day, I am often concerned about how she is.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  JHK.
    #298217

    JHK
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    Adding to the point, we have been playfully bickering towards each other but sometimes trying to act as if we are angsty towards each other, is it a bad or good thing to do?

    #298225

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey JHK,

    Awesome hike, thanks.

    So it can be very easy to confuse being thoughtful with seeking reassurance for yourself. For example, when she has stated she wants alone time, by not listening to her and continuing to try to find out ‘what’s wrong’, she could interpret that as you aren’t actually listening to her, her wants but could easily instead be seen as you being insecure, not wanting her to withdraw from your conversations, not having the confidence in her being able to solve her own issues.

    Like everything, it’s knowing the balance between when is a good time to push and when you should listen to what she says and leave her alone. Often, there isn’t anything ‘wrong’ anyway, she just simply wants to be alone for a while, that’s perfectly normal and nothing there for you to worry about.

    When you are considering what and what not to ask her about – try to look at it from her point of view and consider your motivation for asking. For example, if you were to ask her does she enjoy your company at times – isn’t that really about you wanting to feel less insecure about her not wanting to spend time with you anymore. How is asking her that going to help you, especially with the history of avoiding straight and honest answers? Wouldn’t it be better to actually spend some time together, not discussing emotional topics and just seeing the evidence in front of your own eyes that she is (or isn’t) enjoying her time with you. The place you both want to visit sounds a great opportunity to do so – can you make that a more solid plan, bring it forwards. It doesn’t matter if it is a date or not – the more time you spend together in person will become more obvious as to if she enjoys time with you and whether it’s romantically inclined or not.

    Personally, I would say the acting angsty with each other is not a good thing. Why are you acting? Are you sure she is acting? It sounds more like frustration/irritation bubbling over from that you mentioned before, struggling to continue a conversation without fresh input, covering the same old ground.

    #298243

    JHK
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    Because I care for her too much that’s why I feel that I am being too pushy towards her, but from my interaction with her, she tends to run away or avoid problems or issue she is facing thus I decided to enquire her about it so as not to let her bottle it up. Maybe it is just me, when I start to be too pushy and pester her about the issue or problem she is facing, I thought I care for her too much but probably in her point of view, she deems it as being irritating. I did apologise once before to her and she said she understands it because I meant well for her.

    I need to learn how to balance when she says she needs alone time, I will have to let her be and probably get back to her once she not in her alone time. But she is always trying to swallow up whatever negative feelings and emotions she is having, feeling that she is being blamed for it.

    I get it, it is not about asking her whether she enjoys having me as her company but more of the conversation and activities that we do that will speak for itself? Probably I am being too tense up and being very particular in almost everything that we do. Actually, it is quite difficult to ask her out because she will tend to spend most of her time alone as she enjoys her alone time frequently.

    It is more of both of us bickering playfully, trying to tease and make each other get angsty. Either of us will get angsty and we will just laugh it off. But there are times when we are being serious in the conversation and somehow we misinterpret it as if we are still playfully teasing each other. Is bickering and teasing each other playfully a good thing?

    Since she had told me that she likes me as a friend only and do not have feelings for me, I am not sure what the next step that I should be taking? For now, both of us are treating each other as friends.

    #298245

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    You wrote: “my mistake was I care too much and it may seem to be annoying at times… I care too much for her”-

    – what is the difference, for you, between caring for a woman and caring too much for a woman?

    anita

    #298247

    JHK
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    To add on, I am feeling that I am very insecure and I do not know how to ease myself

    #298249

    JHK
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    It is more of the space given to her, the personal space that she needs. Caring too much is more of when she says she need her alone time, I should give it to her instead of insisting her not to bottle up and says out her issue or problem.

    Am I right about it?

    #298265

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    Do you care too much to know what might be bothering her because you are afraid she is angry at you, or that she is not interested in you when she is quiet or having her alone time, so you want to make sure quickly that she is okay with you, that she likes you?

    In other words, you are compelled to find out what she is thinking as soon as possible because you are anxious when she is quiet or having alone time?

    anita

    #298267

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi JHK.

    Exactly so – you will be able to tell through your meeting up & activities if you are enjoying the time together. And as you spend more time together or not, whether it’s developing into something romantic or staying friends. Just reading the body language, the looks, so much easier than by text for sure.

    I think your 7:08 post was spot on btw – a lot of the behaviour/thoughts you describe here sound as though they come from you feeling insecure/anxious. There are many ways to help improve this, lots of good and inspiring reads on this very forum for sure.  What do you think you feel insecure about – I get the sense you aren’t convinced you are worthy of her affections? And that’s why you feel the need to check so often, why you worry so much when apart/haven’t heard from her.

    #298367

    JHK
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I agree to the extent that I care too much because I want to find out what is bothering her. But probably because I feel that she can trust me with everything that I will compel her to tell me what is it about. Yes, I do get anxious easily regarding her. It seems that my concern and care is somehow gone overboard.

    #298369

    JHK
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    I tend to give her compliment at times, I guess it is fine to do so? Actually, she can be hard to read at times even from her expression unless she is enjoying herself. I realise at times, I find myself looking or staring at her and vice versa.

    I am insecure because I wasn’t sure enough if I am worthy for her. In the past, I was rejected before by another girl and it didn’t end well so it kind of haunts me somehow, thus creating a fear of rejection or to take the next step. I do realise that I check in on her more often than in the past.

    Honesty and trust is one of the aspects in forging a connection with someone, thus I have always been honest and truthful about my views or opinions on certain topics or conversations. Just that I find myself to be very talkative at times.

    #298383

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi JHK,

    Nothing wrong with a compliment, so long as given freely, honestly, without expecting anything back. Some people may find frequent compliments uncomfortable, again, best to judge if it’s getting too much by her responses. It gets easier, the more you see and know someone – but again, try to stay in the moment and enjoy your time with her as it can be easy to spend all your time staring and trying to figure out what she’s thinking…

    Sorry to hear you’ve had a bad experience previously, most of us have, you are not alone there for sure, a normal part of trying things. It’s good you are brave enough to want to try again and understandable you are a little more cautious this time around. It can be useful to understand why the other girl rejected you to learn from the experience and move forwards from it, removing it’s power of fear.

    Why do you think you check in on her more now than in the past? I would read this as your anxiety/insecurity about her has increased as you have spent more time together, not reduced. Do you think you sense she is pulling away from you, less interested in you than at the beginning? It can be a bit of a vicious cycle that, as one person pulls away to get some space, the insecure/anxious one chases harder, trying to keep the closeness/intimacy strong, trying to get validation from the other person that they are worthy – which ofcourse makes the person pull away more and so it goes on until often what the insecure one fears most will happen, the other person leaves them.

    The only way to break the cycle, if that is what is happening, is for you to stop chasing, to reduce the seeking validation of your worth. Basically you need to believe and know you are worthy without her telling you so.  This isn’t about not caring for her – but doing it in a way that makes her feel good about the experience, not in a way that makes her want to run away, have some space.  Especially if she isn’t used to facing up to her problems and dealing with them, she isn’t going to be very receptive to being ‘forced’ to talk about them, even if you believe it’s the best thing for her. A different way would be to ensure she knows you are there as/when she wants to talk but to otherwise let her guide the pace of opening up.  If she can see that not all your conversations are ‘heavy’, she will likely enjoy the experience more, want to engage in conversations again.  Absolutely honesty and truth about views and opinions are great, as is being talkative – but again, try to think about her perspective on this and concentrate on topics for a while that aren’t to do with what problems you perceive she may have. Give her some space whilst being clear you are interested in her by arranging meet-ups and spending time talking together in a different way.

    What do you think?

    #298385

    JHK
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    I agree. Sometimes, she did ask if I am willing to tolerate all her negative points, I told her I am willing but she says she couldn’t. But I guess she was asking in the perspective of a friend. I did have doubts in her before, wondering if she is just toying with my feelings.

    The previous girl, I was so certain she was the one and I believe I can get her to be with me. But somehow, I dive in too deep and got hurt badly thus causing me to have the fear and be very cautious. I realise that when I am being too nice, I tend to get into the friend-zone easily. People often say that I am a nice person, why do I not have a girlfriend, that question has keep me wondering too.

     

    It is more of engaging with her in conversation, to find out how is she and what is she doing. Somehow she is becoming less interested, but it could be because she has already gotten used to me being around her. Sometimes, I do have the feeling of insecure but not to the extent of asking insecure questions.

    I do agree that our conversations have become heavier and more serious. In the past, mostly she is the one that often approaches me to share everything but nowadays, somehow I am being the one that approaches her more to find out from her. So probably, I should give her some space instead of being too clingy towards her.

    I am not sure is it because of my text conversations that cause her to be in this manner, asking her non-open ended questions, expecting an answer instead of having a conversation. Because I am always curious.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  JHK.
    #298389

    JHK
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    Adding to the point

    She tends to share a lot about her personal stuff with me, but it only shows that there is a trust between us only?

    #298413

    JHK
    Participant

    Hello Michelle, adding to the point

    Does my situation considered to be unrequited love?

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 90 total)

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