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Is it me or just her? Need some guidance and advice

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This topic contains 163 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Mick 3 months ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 136 through 150 (of 164 total)
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  • #301005

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey JHK,

    Try not to be insulted – everyone here is just trying to help and it is always wise to consider all advice/feedback before choosing whether to accept it and how to best respond.

    Good to hear you don’t struggle with others and happy to accept constructive criticism.

    #301007

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    Her respond wasn’t the best.

    Actually I am getting better, whether she replies or not, she has the right to do so. Maybe it is because of me, no matter what it is, I will make it a point to reply others.

    But I cannot put my principle or expectation on others because people are different.

    #301019

    Michelle
    Participant

    Yep, everyone is an individual for sure. She spends a lot of time on here helping a lot of people so I appreciated her advice for me and took it as intended, as I understand where she is coming from. Glad you are able to do the same.

    Excellent to hear you are getting better. It is good to hear it.

    #301021

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    I was too tense up with the misunderstanding, not able to loosen myself up, not giving enough space and with my grandpa death, the emotion feeling stacked up.

    I am coping better, starting to recover and back to my usual self.

    I just feel that one of my greatest strength and weakness is caring too much for others, always put others first.

     

    #301163

    Michelle
    Participant

    Morning JHK,

    Really good to hear you are feeling more like your old self and coping better. One thing I do if I’m  not dealing with something very well is to go for a long walk, ideally with some trees/green space. Something about the rhythmic physical activity and being outside calms me enough to be able to think clearly again. Perhaps that will help you too next time you feel yourself start to overthink and worry.

    And yes, it’s a bit like those aeroplane safety videos, you need to look after yourself first before you are able to help others. So practising setting good healthy boundaries and being able to say no to helping sometimes is actually a good thing to learn.

     

    #301179

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    I do take longer walks when I need to clear my mind, to ponder or think about some stuff.

    I overheard her telling one of my colleagues some stuff, I am curious but I cannot approach her because she has the right to tell whatever she wants to anyone.

    I do feel disappointed because we used to share everything under the sun.

    We didn’t have much conversation too during work which is 3 hours of deployment but we didn’t even converse much.

    It might take some time for us to heal.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  Mick.
    #302481

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    I want to update you that everything is fine, I texted her less and we had less conversation.

    But matter somehow got out of hand yesterday. She is pissed

    #302489

    Michelle
    Participant

    Good Morning JHK,

    Nice to hear an update from you – glad everything is fine. Although it sounds like yesterday was not so fine? Why is she upset – what got out of hand?

    #302491

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    Firstly, I cut down on texting her, even if I do text her, I will keep it light and easy and I will be the one ending the conversation.

    Recently, I told her that I couldn’t face her because of the heavy nonsense content that I used to tell her about.

    She got so pissed because I called her and told her about this but I told her that it was my fault to call her.

    She told me it wasn’t her problem and I shouldn’t make her drown with me.

    I told her because I was guilty.

    She told me before she doesn’t like me talking about all these heavy content stuff which makes her tired and draining.

    Everything seems fine but I screw it up again

    #302495

    Michelle
    Participant

    Ok, now I understand.  I am not surprised she was so angry. Basically you did what she had asked you not to do, what you had promised you would not do, twice. At least this time she has very clearly expressed herself, no way to misunderstand what she wants.

    So yes, you made a mistake, it happens, we all do at times. What’s important is to figure out why and learn from it. So why did you call her to tell her the same old heavy story – what did you think her reaction would be?

    Most importantly – do you think you will be able to stop now? Perhaps you can use this experience to remind yourself that it does not turn out well if/when you next feel like having this kind of conversation with her.

    #302501

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    Her reaction is she is very pissed. Actually what I told her was that I couldn’t face her at times because I am guilty over all the stupid things I did to her.

    Actually I think I can stop because I tried once and it works so probably I will be able to again.

    Do you think I have scrutinise the friendship?

    What should I do about this?

    #302609

    ImJWL
    Participant

    So I’m actually going through something similar and could use some extra advice.

    I was married for 8 years and ended the relationship in October 2018. In December, I became lonely and went on a dating app to distract myself and see what was out there and then I met a guy in January 2019. Which I did not expect to meet.

    On the second date we slept together and since January we have been talking. We do see eachother monthly and once weekly although the days that we see eachother has not progressed.

    We keep the conversations to WhatsApp and  have spoken over the phone only a few times when we are meeting up. Generally when we meet up we talk hang out and have a good time pretty light hearted and casual time, and we are very attracted to eachother and after we have sex he sleeps over, or I drive him home. The issue that I am having is that I feel like he is keeping his distance emotionally/ physically and secondly our communication. Mainly his lack of responsiveness or engagement at times on what’s app. Especially recently. He texts me one liners and I respond then I dont hear back from him for the whole day. I have addressed things with him at times on the messenger because we are so limited in time spent or phone calls. Those times have not been alot but have been heavy. Such as when there was last minute cancellations or no word at all.. as well as one time wanting to hang out with my roomates on pur third date, which I broke up with him and went off on him on that occasion. Even though we live 20 minutes away from one another. We dont see eachother very often. So it makes me feel like he is not very jnterested in me or this is just a booty call.

    I’m scared to address him on my feelings our frustration or communication needs . Sometimes I feel like I text alot because I like him and am finding it harder within myself  at times to keep my emotions in check even though I am nice to him.

     

    We did have the talk about where is this going, I dont want to get my feelings hurt if they are not reciprocated get heartbroken And He said that he feels the same way about me as far as feelings but wants to take his time and I agreed about getting to know eachother. He works in hospitality and just arrived in this country last year. He also is young attractive and got out of a relationship of 7 years. Although his Facebook status says still in a relationship and he has pictures not alot with some girls.

    I want to break it off for my mental health and mental space and also because I am afraid if I stay that this pattern of sex not seeing eachother and limited communication will continue and I will not get my needs met and continue to suffer, since I am attached to him and that I will waste my time energy on him and I will eventually explode on him or waste time. Or he will find someone else. I am scared that he may be perhaps stringing me along. And that he is not ready for a relationship with me or does not want a relationship with me or doesnt value me.

    So as you may imagine I’m feeling pretty insecure and stressed any advice on what to do?

    Ps he knows I’m going through a divorce and he is in the process of becoming a citizen.

    #302619

    ImJWL
    Participant

    He did also mention that he had some doubts and when I asked he said that he did not have doubts but wanted to take his time.

     

    My friends suggest I talk to him I’m person rem or over the phone  tell him how I feel and break it off move on. I think that would be best since I dont like the anxiety and since it’s difficult for me to continue as friends and with this type of communication. I also agree that I have to be alone. And find myself and have better boundaries more self value.

    #302621

    ImJWL
    Participant

    I feel that he has shown me who he is through his actions towards me. And that due to that he may not change and so I should not settle because he will not change. And the only thing is for me to accept it. Let him live his own life. I do the same and move on and eventually heal and find someone who treats me better.

    #302681

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi JHK.

    You didn’t answer my question – what did you think her reaction was going to be? Why are you surprised she is angry?

    I would be angry too if my friend broke his promise to me. You promised her and yourself you would not discuss these topics anymore, twice.  I do not see why you are confident you will not do this again. I think you will be ok for a little while and then you will try again and she will be even angrier. At some point she will simply start to block and ignore you – it is actually surprising that she hasn’t done so already. Probably because you were such good friends but you are really testing the friendship in a bad way with this behaviour.

    As to what to “do”. The only thing you can do is to leave her alone and hope she reaches out to you at some point. Any more apologising or trying to explain is not going to help, it will drive her further away, make her angrier.  The one helpful thing you can do is to work on yourself and understanding why you made this mistake, so that you can avoid doing the same again in the future.

     

Viewing 15 posts - 136 through 150 (of 164 total)

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