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Is it me or just her? Need some guidance and advice

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This topic contains 163 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Mick 3 months ago.

Viewing 14 posts - 151 through 164 (of 164 total)
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  • #302683

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi ImJWL.

    I see you have now created your own post and are getting helpful answers there, which is good.

    I think you have actually answered your own questions – you know this guy is using you. Especially as you are probably afraid if you stop having sex you would not see or hear from him again, right? So yeah, time to stand up for yourself and put yourself first. You are going through a tough time with the divorce and it is not unusual to have valued being wanted by this guy. But yeah, seems highly likely it’s going nowhere apart from more hurt and disappointment for you – something you can do without for sure.

    You could simply break it off with the guy. Or half-way house, try being unavailable next time you are supposed to meet, keep him waiting. And keep sex off the table – have a proper date. If he’s interested in you at all – you’ll find out pretty quickly. I’m not into game-playing, so I don’t mean like that but by being less available on his terms, you’ll probably get the confirmation you’re looking for to dump him.

    You know you deserve better and you will find better. Don’t let your fear of not thinking you will find someone else hold you back. But do look at this as a way of learning why you accepted so little in this relationship and work on your self-esteem, which has probably taken a real battering through your last relationship/divorce, right?

    Hope helps – best of luck.

     

    #302685

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    I wasn’t surprised that she is angry. I think that her reaction will be sadness because it it hurting the friendship, angry because she said she is pissed off and annoyed because the same topic was being brought out.

    I promise not to hurt her again. I am leaving her alone for a few days to cool it off. She has the right to be pissed at me. It was my mistake which I shouldn’t had committed.

    It wasn’t her problem that I couldn’t face her, I shouldn’t have told her that and make her drown with me. I saw her at work yesterday, she never look me in the eyes, she is pissed and disappointed. I am not going to be pushy about this, I am going to let her cool it off before reaching out to her. But it is going to take time to repair the friendship.

    She is emotionally tired.

    #302847

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hmm, I would let her be the one to reach out if I were you, but your choice.

    Why do you think you did tell her you couldn’t face her if you understood it would not end well? It will help to understand so you do not do so again.

    #302849

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    I told her that because we haven’t been talking much to each other, by telling her is because so that she knows what is happening that the issue is with me and not her.

    But she is so pissed because of what I told her and it is at an inappropriate timing. It wasn’t my intention to make her feel guilty. On my side, I didn’t handle the matter properly.

    I want to mend this friendship, it was my fault that I did this. Things is going well between us, getting back on track and I screwed it up.

    I don’t know what to do, I am sincerely remorseful and sorry for what I did. I want to mend this friendship. Perhaps she is angry and disappointed and probably I am the last person on earth she wants to talk to.

    I don’t know what to do, I am such a foolish man.

    #302853

    Michelle
    Participant

    Only foolish if you don’t learn from it and only foolish if you repeat the same mistake again. Mistakes are just part of being human. No point beating yourself up about them but use them to learn.

    Practicing social skills for sure would help you understand others better. It would have helped you to know that breaking your promises to her and talking about heavy emotional topics again was not going to be a good thing. Without understanding why you thought it would help, you can’t learn to avoid such mistakes in the future. If you are honest with yourself, I suspect you really thought that having this conversation would help bring you closer again? If you are not honest with yourself, you will not learn.

    It’s easy to be remorseful now because now you can see instead it has made her angry and now you are worried you have ruined the friendship for ever, which is very much a possibility. What you need to do is work out why you broke your promise to not discuss these topics with her. How can she be your friend if she can not trust you to keep your promises?  And no, this isn’t something you should discuss with her or apologise for – that is just breaking your promise again.

     

     

    #302855

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    I am indeed foolish. I shouldn’t have bring up heavy nonsense topic again.

    I don’t know what I am doing. But I am seriously remorse about it. It is an important lesson that I should learn from, I cherish her so much as a friend.

    I am sincerely remorseful and apologetic about this matter. I seriously want to repair this friendship, I broke a promise and trust to her and I need to rebuild it again. Is it possible to repair this friendship?

    #302859

    Michelle
    Participant

    To be honest, no, I don’t think it is possible to repair this friendship.

    Perhaps, if you are lucky, she will reach out at some point and you can try to be a better friend from there. But if she does not reach out, I would leave her alone.

    #302861

    Mick
    Participant

    It is not possible because the promise and trust has been scrutinise? But I still feel that it is possible to repair somehow.

    I am probably the last person on earth she wants to see.

    She is still very pissed off with me, I am giving her space. I don’t want to push her because she is pissed, she told me she is pissed and she has the right. I need to let her cool off

    I have not been a great friend to her with all these heavy nonsense.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by  Mick.
    #302869

    Mick
    Participant

    It is tiring for her in every aspects, I need to back off , let her cool it off.

    #303909

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    I have spoken to her in regards about the matter. It was a brief conversation. She is a little angry and sulking. She say she is tired of my heavy content nonsense. I asked her if she needs space and her reply is I guess.

    She seems so cold and distant towards me. When she talk to others, she is smiling but when towards me. There isn’t any smile from her. There is tension.

    #303913

    Michelle
    Participant

    Morning JHK.

    I am not surprised. Yet again you broke your promise and talked to her about your problem instead of dealing with it by yourself.

    I actually don’t think she is sulking, I just think she doesn’t want to spend time with you anymore, she no longer wants to be your close friend.  Both her actions and her words are telling you this but I understand you do not want to believe it.

    Therefore I don’t think I can help you any more with this. My advice has consistently been to not talk to her about this and you have consistently gone ahead and talked to her about it. My advice now remains the same – leave her alone and think instead about working on yourself. Learn from this as to how to better handle relationships and social interaction. It may be worth finding somebody like a therapist locally who will be able to better help you through this.

    I wish you all the best in working through it all. Ofcourse I am still here to listen and help if you choose to work on yourself but I won’t keep having this same conversation with you as it doesn’t help you move on.

    Take care.

    #303915

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    Sorry, there is a miscommunication. I didn’t bring out the heavy content nonsense. But instead I apologise to her. I asked her if she needs space and she replied: I guess.

    She is still replying to a few of my text and she did say hi to me in a few occasions.

    #303919

    Michelle
    Participant

    Apologising is the same thing.   You wrote yourself “She say she is tired of my heavy content nonsense”. This tells you she also took your apology to be more of the same heavy content. Friends do not repeatedly apologise for things already forgiven. There was no need to apologise – you have already done that before. ISo by apologising again t is just another way of still talking on an emotional level.

    As said, I wish you well.

    #304381

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    Just want to update you on the situation

    I gave her the space she must have, she approach and talk to her. It wasn’t so tense between us but it feels a little awkward and her attention span was shorter than used to. But I feel that it still takes time for us to be back to what it is.

    She has forgiven me. Even though she has forgiven me, she was convinced enough, I told her I will prove myself through action which she reply okay.

    I need to prove myself to her, no more heavy nonsense topic. Just light and simple topic anything under the sun.

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