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Is it me or just her? Need some guidance and advice

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This topic contains 163 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Mick 3 months ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 121 through 135 (of 164 total)
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  • #300561

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    Thanks for the link, I will read up on it.

    I am worry that she might walks away, how do I know when someone walks away?

    So the trust between me and her is affected because of the misunderstanding?

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by  Mick.
    #300637

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi JHK

    Have a read and let me know what you think – a lot in there matches the behaviour you describe towards her here so I think it will help you better understand to help yourself, although there is a lot there to take in.

    I thought you said the conversations with her were becoming stagnant before the misunderstanding?

    #300639

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    Conversations at times are stagnant but we are still enjoying each other company.

    How do I repair the trust between me and her?

    How do I know if she is walking away?

    I got so much dilemma in me

    #300643

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi JHK,

    You misunderstood the question – the conversations were sometimes a struggle before the misunderstanding – or only afterwards?

    Read the article – what you need is to know how to handle it well if she does leave.

    #300645

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    The conversations was a struggle after the misunderstanding.

    But will she leave in this circumstances since we have talked it out?

    #300647

    Michelle
    Participant

    The reality therefore is you have simply had an argument, later discussed it and cleared the air. It happens all the time in healthy relationships and is something you need to know how to deal with – without all this anxiety and overthinking on your part.  It is your behaviour now that is the issue, not hers.

     

    #300649

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    My behaviour referring to me overthinking?

    I have done reading the article and will be reading it for a second time, it is a good read and I am glad that I am not to the stage whereby I worship, idolise or put her in the center of my life.

    Perhaps it is because we are used to being so close and talk everyday to bond ourselves, I am not used to her being “lazy”( I couldn’t find the right word) to interact with. Even though we are talking less, it doesn’t mean we are not there for each other. After all the ups and downs we had, we are strong enough for this.

    Perhaps I am anxious, trying to rush things back to normal but I need to take things slowly, use the time and space to repair and rebound with her again.

    I believe that both of us still cherish each other but we just need to heal ourselves. Even though she say everything is ok between us, it doesn’t mean I have to text her everyday like used to.

    I did told her once that I am sorry for channeling my negative energy to her. The important matter is she realised her mistakes already and I realised my own mistakes. No point talking about the past when it is the present that we need to rectify and cherish.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  Mick.
    #300653

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    To add on

    We are actually quite cool with the crush thing I had for her. We treat each other as friends even though I did have a crush on her before.

    Maybe I am petty at times and she isn’t attentive enough for others also but I can say that we are mature in handling this?

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  Mick.
    #300657

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    I just feel bad for mentioning about her ex which is the reasons that cause the misunderstanding. Because she hurt her ex very badly and her ex left her.

    #300673

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    Sorry to keep adding points

    How will I know if she has forgiven me? Any signs that I should look out for?

    #300789

    Michelle
    Participant

    Morning JHK,

    You are free to post as often and as much as you want to – it’s your choice.  However, you will have noticed I’ll only answer new questions that are I believe are helpful. I do this as I think you are still misunderstanding the really important thing here – this is about you, your anxiety, not her or the relationship.

    For example, say I give you a list of signs to look out for and then tomorrow you think she is doing 4 out of 10 of them. What would you actually do? Would you panic, text more, ask her what’s wrong, ask her not to leave you? How do you think that would turn out, given all we have discussed?  Wouldn’t it be better to have already worked on yourself, understanding your anxiety and where it comes from – that way if the “worst” happens and she leaves you, you are still ok, you are sad to lose a friend but it is not the end of the world for you.

    What do you think?

    #300793

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    I do want to save the friendship, but if the given scenario, I will give her some space. I will be sad but at least I am more compose after all the conversations that we had. But my overthinking is at it again because she say things are fine and I stopped asking her all the questions.

    I did give her a text just now because there is a few hiccups at work so we talked it out. I notice that she was a little restless at work even though most of the time she initiated the conversation with me, so I asked her and she reply that she was lazy.

    But I don’t think she will leave because if she does, she will have done it.

     

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  Mick.
    #300935

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    I will type here a message to Michelle who has been doing her best to be helpful to you, being very patient and committed to answering you every time you posted. You can read my message to her. This is a one time post that I am typing here.

    * Dear Michelle:

    I didn’t understand this until very recently and I will get straight to the point: I believe the original poster is suffering from significant cognitive impairment, making it impossible for him to understand abstract words and terms. The are the words/ terms he brought up June 11- June 25 in his numerous and repetitive questions to you: trust, unrequited love, friendship, (interpersonal) space (“Not getting in touch is the same as to give space?”), paranoid, insecure, awkward, forgiveness, and emotional dependence (in the link you sent him).

    He has great difficulty interpreting facial/ body language, can’t read people: “I have no idea why is she smiling less, is there something I still don’t know or figure out?…I don’t understand why is she very calm about me having a crush on her…how do I know when someone walks away? How do I know if she is walking away?… How will I know if she has forgiven me? Any signs that I should look out for?”.

    His self awareness is not there and no understanding of how his behavior affects others: “Am I the one draining her? In what ways am I draining her?… Is my overthinking affecting the friendship in any manner… I am the one that is being awkward over here and I wasn’t aware at all…is it because I am focusing and caring for her but I wasn’t aware of it? .. Am I being too clingy towards her?… I am glad that I am not to the stage whereby I.. put her in the center of my life”.

    He reads terms online or hears of them and then wonders those apply to him, not understanding the terms: “Could it be I am paranoid or perhaps insecure?… I am glad I wasn’t paranoid because it will be quite scary”.

    People in his life already told him that he asks lots of questions and that he annoys them, so he repeats what he heard people tell him but with no understanding of that information, he simply repeats: “I am the annoying person at this point, keep repeat the same questions”.

    He does not understand the basics of human social behavior: “Why does she needs the wall to create space?”, and he is clueless as to what to do in social situations: “Let her be the one that text or reaches out to me?… Is small text conversations appropriate?”, etc.

    To close: the original poster may very well be on the spectrum of autism, or suffering from an Autism Spectrum Disorder. If and once diagnosed, an individual treatment plan can be put together for him by a professional or a group of professionals, where he will be taught very basic social skills, being taught using concrete words and instruction, nothing abstract. This kind of help is not available here, on this site.

    anita

    #300997

    Michelle
    Participant

    Morning JHK,

    I’m glad to hear our interactions have helped, your last few posts have seemed calmer for sure.  Good to hear you sorted through the hiccups at work. Hope it continues to work out well for you.

    What do you think about what Anita has posted – do you have similar struggles with other people? Whilst happy to help here when I can, there are also much better and easier ways to learn these kinds of social behaviours/meanings so you are better able to interpret for yourself in the future.

    Anita. Yes, was aware of the patterns/difficulties, thanks for the input.

    #300999

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle
    Anita previous message doesn’t help, it is an insult. It all started with a misunderstanding between me and the lady and it has been escalated to being a disorder.I believe that this website or perhaps even this forum allows people to vent or say things that they couldn’t in life because they are rationale enough that they shouldn’t do all those in life situations. So is it even wrong to say whatever it is in this forum.

    I don’t have any similar struggles with other people.

    It is my first time getting involved in such situations, I believe that it is reasonable to ask such questions and if the questions are irrelevant, I am perfectly fine to receive any constructive criticism in regards to the questions I asked.

    “Wait for her to start a text conversation” , I don’t find that there is any wrong to it since we are giving space towards each other.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  Mick.
Viewing 15 posts - 121 through 135 (of 164 total)

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