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Is it me or just her? Need some guidance and advice

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This topic contains 163 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Mick 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #297743

    Mick
    Participant

    I have known her for more than 2 years, she is a colleague of mine, we started out from being colleague to being good friends. We do talk a lot and I enjoy her company. But throughout the 2 years, there’s a brief period of time that I have a crush on her but it felt so wrong because I enjoy the friendship that we had. I tried to push aside that feeling of having crush on her, it faded but at times the feelings comes back. I was petty over trivial matters at times but I explained my reasons of why is it so. She thanks me once for being able to put up with her bad points once. During the 2 years, we texted often, having conversation about anything under the sun. Even though, there are a few times that she didn’t reply or she took her time to reply, I am fine with it. But I do felt myself to being annoying because I texted her often and there are a few times that she replied late or she didn’t replied. When she is down, I try to comfort her and even though she pushed me away often, I was always by her side, giving her advice. She always said I overthink into things and I told her that she is often trying to avoid facing the problems.

    Recently, I am going through a very tough period, I told her about it and needed her by my side, she texted to comfort me but she wasn’t there for me at most. She said sorry and I asked for my forgiveness which I did . But at first, I felt hurt and disappointed and I said some very mean stuff to her which reminded of her bad memories with her ex. It wasn’t my intention to hurt her but I was very blunt. She almost teared during the conversation and didn’t look me in the eyes. We clear the air, asking for her forgiveness and she did.

    A few months ago, she told me I was a crush and even said to me that she likes me. I asked her if she meant what she said and she told me she was just testing me out. After which, I replied her saying that I did had a crush on you once but it was a brief period and it wasn’t as strong ad it used to. She replied saying that she doesn’t have any feelings for me and she treat me as a friend only. I even told her that having a crush on you is wrong and I shouldn’t be having feelings for you and she said having a crush on her isn’t wrong. I did asked her if there’s a chance that we might be together and she replied don’t know. I ask her how is she moving from her ex and she told me that she is gonna meet up with a date from 3 years ago which she did liked him before but she ghosted on her. She even said that she might want to use him as a stepping stone to move on. I told her that I hope the best for her. Both of us agree to be friends and not to be awkward towards each other.

    Both of us are seeking our own happiness but deep thoughts inside of me, I wish something romantically will happen between us. Rejection is never good and the truth hurts.

     

    Should I just give up on her or just let this friendship flows as it is?

    Will the trust between me and her after the misunderstanding that we have?

    What’s her intention of testing me out?

    Why will she replied “don’t know” when I asked her about the possibility

    Should I let myself have some space from her?

    What’s my next step in this whole situation?
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Will things be awkward between us?</p>

    • This topic was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  Mick.
    #297751

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer, in about 11 hours from now. I hope other members answer you before I return.

    anita

    #297767

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi JHK,

    It sounds like you have a good strong relationship with this colleague, being able to talk through hurt feelings and forgiveness is part of being in an honest relationship, be it friendship or romantic.  I would see no reason to give up on them now – what is your thinking in considering doing so? Are you are still hurting/angry with them for not being there for you when you needed them to be? Do you think she will be able to be there for you next time?

    Despite a lot of people meeting their eventual partner through work, it can be difficult becoming a romantic relationship with a work colleague, extra risk involved if the relationship doesn’t work out. How closely do you work together, are you in the same team, same department, same level? What would happen if it was a difficult break-up?

    I suspect they were honest about testing you out and meant it as intended, displaying their interest in a romantic relationship with you – it is an emotional risk to ask and wouldn’t be lightly undertaken with a good friend for no reason.  It sounds as though your response indicated no romantic interest now, only in the past and so perhaps she backed off from taking further risk without more encouragement from you. Which ties with the “I don’t know” response, in that she’s interested in something but is not sure you are. Especially if she has had a rough break-up, it can be difficult to be open to taking a risk and trying again.

    Why do you think these deep thoughts about a relationship have resurfaced now, if you thought you were past them? And why did you feel it was ‘wrong’ to have a crush on her?  Fear is always a powerful motivation, looking to protect yourself from rejection. Life is about taking balanced risks – perhaps you can find a balanced way forwards on this one. Do you already meet up outside of work, perhaps go for a drink/something you both like to do? If not, do you think suggesting such an event, not a date necessarily, just a way to get to know each other outside work, would be helpful in learning more about her, seeing if the risk is worth taking?

    #297777

    Mick
    Participant

    I am not sure if she will be there for me again but during our conversation, she did said that actions speaks louder than words and by not being there for me, it had already hurt my feelings, even though I had put it past me. Giving up will be to give up the idea of woo her. But she already said that she doesn’t have feelings for me and only like me as a friend. I am sitting on the fence with this current situation.

     

    I felt it is wrong to have a crush on her because I enjoy my friendship with her and when I have emotions and feelings that evolve into something romantically, I felt that it isn’t correct.

    I feel that we are adults and even if there is a break up, we will be able to face each other again as friends unless the relationship end in a bad manner.

    #297815

    Mick
    Participant

    In adding on to the above points, before the confession, she did some things that may have cause some misleading but I did not get swayed by it, because I do not want to misinterpret and get the wrong impression about it. But I had already told her many times not to do things that mislead guys even if it is meant to be a joke

    #297839

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    You have a female colleague who became your good friend during the two years you know her. You texted often (but sometimes she replied late, or not at all), and had conversations “about anything under the sun”. You had a crush on her at one time, tried to push it aside, it faded and came back. She told you that she had a crush on you a few months ago. The two of you talked about her crush, your crush and decided “to be friends and not to be awkward towards each other”.

    When she was down, you comforted her, “even though she pushed me away often”.

    Recently you went “through a very tough period”, told her about it and she texted you to comfort you but wasn’t there for you the way you wanted her to be. You then “felt hurt and disappointed and I said some very mean stuff to her”.

    The situation now is that the two of you are work colleagues and friends, but “deep thoughts inside of me, I wish something romantically will happen between us”.

    You asked: “Should I just give up on her or just let this friendship flows as it is?… What’s my next step in this whole situation?”

    You added later (in another thread): “Sometimes, I feel that I am too clingy to my female friend… I brought up the topic and she told me that I was kinda of clingy because she enjoy alone time… perhaps with recent months of bickering, her interest in having conversations with me has reduced. Maybe I should have given her some space because I felt that I am being too possessive in a indirect manner”-

    – my thoughts:

    1. At different times of this 2 year association with her, she was romantically interested in you, or at least, she considered you in a romantic manner and you were romantically interested in her.

    2. When the two of you communicated about romantic interest in each other, you were not honest about it, (and she was not honest with you, at least at times).

    You didn’t tell her your truth about how you felt and what you wanted.

    3. You experience significant fear of rejection and anger at her for not replying to your texts soon enough, for not comforting you enough.. and you said mean things to her.

    4. You clinged to her and she pushed you away, you were indeed clingy and possessive, and not honest or direct about these things.

    In summary, the way I understand it, the thing to do next is for you to be honest with her, tell her the truth. It will be difficult because you don’t want to feel weak and you don’t want to appear weak to her, admitting  you want her romantically, that you are afraid of her rejection, that you got angry at her because of your fear, and your clinginess. But if you tell her the truth in a confident, dignified way, you will not appear weak. And as you do express yourself honestly and in a dignified way, you will feel stronger yourself.

    Talk to her honestly, face to face,  as a friend and see what she says.

    She may not want to have anything to do with you because of your expressed anger at her, having said mean things to her, demanding of her, complaining and so forth. Respect her choice, whatever it is.

    Watch your anger, so that you don’t mistreat her, that will be a bad practice on your part.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #297853

    Mick
    Participant

    Replying according to the points

    1. I am not even sure if she actually has romantically feelings.

    2. I am not sure if she is being honest about her feelings because when I asked her why did she say she like me and say she had a crush on me, she replied that she was just trying to test me out. I did asked her what if I actually say yes, she said her reply will be she is just joking around.

    3. I wasn’t angry but the feeling that I am experiencing during the period of time is more of disappointment because I felt that I needed her somehow.

    4. She admitted that she did pushed me away and when I asked her why is it so, she didn’t response to my queries.

     

    I did told her that I got a crush on her and the feeling wasn’t as strong as it used to but I chose to suppress my feelings for her. I will never be angry to the extent of being abusive towards her.

    #297857

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    Regarding point # 2, are you saying that she told you that she had a crush on you while not having a crush on you, that is, that she lied to you for her entertainment, to test you, to see how you react… while having no intention of having a romantic relationship with you?

    Meaning she is okay with “joking around” at your expense, this way?

    anita

     

    #297859

    Mick
    Participant

    Yes. So if I say no, she will just take it as it is. And if I say yes, she will say she was just joking with me. Because she say she want to test me out.

    Actually,  when she told me that she got a crush on me, I laugh out loud because it was so unexpected.

    Because she did said that she like me as a friend and has no feelings for me but when I asked if it is possible between us, her answer is don’t know

    #297861

    Mick
    Participant

    In adding on, why will she want to test me out?

    #297863

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    For her entertainment, do you think, test you out, meaning she was or is thinking something like this: I wonder if he has a crush on me. I will tell him that I have a crush on him so that he will think that I am interested in a romantic relationship with him, and thinking that, he will then tell me the truth, whether he has a crush on me. I don’t have a crush on him! I don’t want  a romantic relationship with him… I just want him to want me romantically because it feels nice when a guy wants me this way. And no, I don’t care if he gets sad that I gave him hope based on a lie, it doesn’t matter to me how he feels, only that he likes me romantically… I like to be wanted that way”-

    – do you think she is thinking that way?

    anita

    #297871

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    I don’t know what she is thinking, but if you don’t know either, ask her if this or that is what motivates her, if she told you that she lied when she told you that she had a crush on you, ask her. Don’t assume she was thinking this or that, find out by asking her. She may not tell you the truth, but you can find out just that by asking her yet another question.

    Don’t ask her questions like a police interrogator, but gently, here and there, in a calm voice for the purpose of getting the information you need. Once you have the correct information, you will know how to proceed.

    anita

    #297939

    Mick
    Participant

    I think that she did suspect that I do have a crush on her but she doesn’t want to assume it so when we are hanging around, she just bring up the questions because maybe she felt it is the right moment to ask but at that moment when she asked me those questions, I deny because at the moment I felt that my feelings for her isn’t as strong.

    I did asked her why did she asked me all those questions and she did say she was trying to test me to find out about my feelings for her. I did asked her what if I reply yes? She say she will tell me she was just joking around.

    And she did tell me that she doesn’t have feelings for me and like me as a friend.

    I am still having doubts on why she replied “don’t know” when I asked if there is a possibility we might be together.

    #297943

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi JHK,

    I think you have two possible scenarios here.

    One, where it sounds like both of you were scared to admit the truth when testing out the waters of a possible relationship beyond friendship.  By ‘testing you out’ in a joking manner, if you had replied negatively ( as you did ) then she hasn’t opened herself up to rejection entirely and can save face by saying she was joking. By negatively I mean simply not encouraging the thought, the possibility but instead indicating the moment had passed for you, your feelings were no longer so strongly inclined. When asked about potentially being together, she responds ‘ I don’t know’ as she does not have enough positive answers from you to know if you want to now, especially if you laughed when she suggested she was attracted to you at one point. So she doesn’t want to say ‘no’ because she would like something to happen but doesn’t say ‘yes’ as that is too positive, too risky based on the evidence she has seen from you so far.

    Or second, she may just have really enjoyed knowing you were attracted to her. If she’s still coming out of a bad break-up, people often look around to others to help make them feel less rejected, to boost their self-esteem. At that point when she was ‘testing you’, she may have simply been feeling low herself and needing to hear someone wanted her.In this scenario, when asked about potentially being together, the ‘don’t know’ response is a way of avoiding a ‘no’ answer, which she knows would lose your attention for her and she’s not ready to give up her crutch (you) as yet.  She wants to make sure you will still be there for an ego boost when needed.

    Both scenarios are plausible and the only way to know which it is, like Anita says, is to gently question, learn more, being open yourself and overcoming your fear of rejection.  I would suggest not getting your hopes up too much, the lack of responses to texts/other media and the clingy comments would suggest that for now she does not need your attention – perhaps this other man you mentioned she was thinking of going back to as a ‘stepping-stone’ is now taking her attention. It would explain why her need for your attention now is less, making her describe as ‘clingy’ what was previously very welcomed.

    Can you suggest meeting up outside work – so much easier to learn more face to face than through texts and the like. Perhaps reduce the amount of texts/contact and replace with one simple invitation, letting her respond when ready. Should tell you a lot by itself.

    #297945

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    Responding to point 1, when she said she got a crush on me, I laughed it out and when she told me that she likes me a few months ago, I gave her an answer which I try to joke it out of the situation because at the period of time, I wasn’t sure if I still have a crush on her and I want to be sure of my feelings for her. Because from how I view it, regardless is it for a man or woman, it takes courage to admit having feelings for a person and even if it is for someone to use it as a joke to test out a person doesn’t make much sense about it and it is very sensitive. Because it could just be me but from the way I look at it, somehow she doesn’t seems like a type of person that will resort to such methods to test out a person even though the possibility couldn’t be ruled out.

    Responding to point 2, assuming she will do that, by replying ‘don’t know’, it is actually a cliffhanger for me and maybe it will cause me to overthink about it. I do agree that both scenarios are plausible and I am not getting my hopes high because I cannot assume things as it is. But I will find an appropriate time to bring up the topic and probably she might actually bring it up.

    I did ask her about me being clingy and she agrees sometimes she feels that I am clingy because she fancies alone time and somehow at times, I popped up at times when she is having her alone time. I do admit that I cared too much for her which actually I do find myself annoying at times. But I did tell her that she shouldn’t use someone as a stepping stone to move on. I am actually cutting down on my contacts with her because I feel that both of us should have some space between us because texting everyday can be quite dry at times.

    Recently, I was working with her and I say sorry to her because I wasn’t a great friend to her because things have been tough between us and her agree that she wasn’t a great friend to me either. Even though she say she likes me as a friend and do not have feelings for me, but through my interactions with her, there are some of the things that she said or does has somehow exceeded what a friend will do and I already reminded her a few times that she shouldn’t be doing things that will mislead people even though she did it because her intentions are just being friendly.

    Personally, I will considered her emotions and feelings are quite unstable, somehow indecisive at times and she finds it hard to reject people at times regardless of what type of situations she is in.

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