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Is it me or just her? Need some guidance and advice

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This topic contains 163 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Mick 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 164 total)
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  • #297947

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey JHK,

    Absolutely – much courage to admit having feelings, even more so when you aren’t sure about them being returned.

    Hope is a good thing, a positive. It helps overcome fear. What is the worst outcome for you do you think – to try and find out if a romantic relationship is possible or to wonder what if many years later.

    She may simply still not know herself what she wants. I think you are wise, giving her some space and reducing the texts if they have become dull, tired. It sounds like you often have quite in-depth/emotionally charged conversations – how about lightening it for a while to get some balance, focus on having fun together again, talking about positive things, doing interesting things together.  People vary on how much alone time they need to recharge, let her have her space and be the one to reach out sometimes.

    Hope it helps – you sound a very thoughtful and kind person, hope it works out how you would like it to. Be brave, good luck.

    #297951

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Michelle

    Thanks for listening and giving advice

    Perhaps I used to be positive, so the conversation that we are much more detailed and lightened up. But when something goes against me which I do not want it to be, I will be very negative and will try to pick myself up again. Even friends do not text each other every time.

    Maybe she doesn’t know what she wants but from my perspective, she is trying to avoid and run away from problems, always trying to bottle it up and face it alone than to share it out to lighten herself up. Because how I perceived it to be, her alone time is when she has some trouble or issue but doesn’t want to share it out to lighten herself up. But I shouldn’t expect it in a way because maybe she has some issues that she only wants to keep it to herself, that’s why I find myself to be expecting too much out of her sometimes.

    In the past, she did reach out to me sometimes instead of her but perhaps because I am the one that reaches and initiate her more, instead of the chances of her reaching out towards me be reduced or perhaps I am being taken for granted. Conversations are always fresh when you meet someone new and it will become stagnant as time goes, so perhaps that’s what both of us are experiencing.

    I am still trying to figure out and balance thing up and focusing on having fun with each other instead of having too much of heart to heart talk which can be quite negative on the mood and emotions.

     

     

    #297953

    Mick
    Participant

    In adding on to the points above, I am worried that trust between me and her might be compromised because we do have a lot of trusts between each other. Will trust be compromised?

    #297961

    Mick
    Participant

    I miss out a point, she is still moving on from her ex. Does it mean that she wasn’t sure of what she wants?

    #297987

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    You wrote: “I am still having doubts on why she replied ‘don’t know’ when I asked if there is a possibility we might be together”-

    – I have doubts about whether you told her your truth when “at that moment when she asked me those questions, I deny because at the moment I felt that my feelings for her isn’t as strong”-

    Your feelings for her, reads to me, are quite strong.

    She did the right thing when, “she doesn’t want to assume it so … she just bring up the questions”- she doesn’t want to assume, so she asked.

    “I did asked her what if I reply yes?”- you are playing games with her. Don’t say “if I reply yes”. Instead, reply what is true to you, a yes or a no. Not an “if”.

    I suppose it “takes courage to admit having feelings for a person”. Notice you use the verb admit, as if it is a crime to have feelings. I read long ago in a thread here that in a certain culture, when person A states a romantic interest in person B, and is rejected by person B, what often happens is that person B tells other people  about what happened, such as work colleagues, and person A gets humiliated and his/ her position in the work place is compromised.

    Is this the case in your situation? And if it is, maybe she is afraid of the same thing you are afraid of, to be humiliated if she states a romantic interest in you, and you do not reciprocate?

    From my understanding, this is the case in certain cultures because arranged marriage is still the tradition, the parents are supposed to determine who is matched with whom, and it is considered wrong for a person to go behind one’s parents and initiate a romantic relationship.

    anita

    #298035

    Mick
    Participant

    Hi anita

    We both agreed to keep it a secret between us, but there are times I feel like sharing out to my other colleagues whom I can trust on. IF I do share it, it will not reflect nicely on her or me.

    Even though, we had the conversation and she gave me an answer regarding about my crush on her. Recently, she is still portraying some actions or certain things that she said somehow has will actually mislead people.

    I don’t understand why is she still doing it when I already told her not to do all these to mislead people. Even though as of now, we are considered as friends but she already knew I got a crush on her previously, isn’t she afraid that she might ignite my feelings for her again?

    Our is not about arranged marriage.

    #298079

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    I re-read your posts as well as those in your other thread. This is what I figure this morning: in the context of a personal, romantic relationship you need a woman who is the following:

    1) Truthful, clear and straightforward with you, tells you her truth, just like it is, a woman who doesn’t  talk in riddles and is not vague. She needs to answer your (appropriate) questions willingly, honestly and with clarity. Otherwise you will get confused and troubled, overthink, trying to figure out what she meant by what she said, what are her intentions and so on.

    “She admitted that she did pushed me away and when I asked her why is it so, she didn’t respond to my queries. I realise that when I ask a question, be it trivial or serious, I need an answer to it”- assuming your questions are not inappropriate, you need a woman who will be glad that you ask her questions, glad that you want to know more about her, and happy to answer your questions with honesty and clarity.

    2) Answers your texts when she gets them, soon enough, within the hour, not one who will read a text and text hours later or not at all.

    “I feel more tense up when I text her sometimes, fearing that no reply will come from her. It makes me being clingy, fearing that it might escalate to becoming possessive… sometimes she does reply but very  late and I am keen to have a conversation with her but sometimes she just read and don’t reply”.

    3) Does not use people and does not mislead people: “I ask her how is she moving from her ex and she told me that she is gonna meet up with a date from 3 years ago… She even said that she might want to use him as a stepping stone to move on… she did some things that may have cause some misleading… I had already told her many times not to do things that mislead guys even if it is meant to be a joke… Recently, she is still portraying some actions or certain things that she said somehow has will actually mislead people. I don’t understand why is she still doing it when I already told her not to do all these to mislead people”.

    Based on the above, I will give you my answer to your first question from your original post:

    “Should I just give up on her or just let this friendship flows as it is?”-

    – give up on her, end the friendship as it is, maintain a professional work relationship, and nothing else.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #298083

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    Thanks for the advice

    But why do I have to give up on her even as a friend?

    Does woman always get confused on what they want or perhaps the man doesn’t initiate more?

    I got a friend whereby he already kiss, hold hands and hug the girl only for the girl to tell him that they are not official yet and she don’t know what she wants

     

    #298089

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    You are welcome. “why do I have to give up on her even as a friend?”-

    – you don’t have to, of course. You choose. I thought it is a good idea that you do because you have strong feelings for her and these feelings will fuel your overthinking and distress within any relationship with her. Because you work with her, you have to have some kind of a relationship with her, so I figured a minimal relationship, a strictly professional relationship, will be best.

    anita

    #298147

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    I am trying to suppress my feelings for her, but this feelings is objective because I have actually thought about what if I treat her as a friend, that feeling of having someone whom I can relate to and I mistaken it as feeling of crush?

    #298155

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    I will read and reply to your recent post here (and anything you may add to this thread) when I return to the computer in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

    #298191

    Mick
    Participant

    Adding to the point, even though she acknowledge and know that I got a crush on her previously, somehow she is still treating me as a friend. Is it because what I confess to her is pointless or is there something as a guy, never figure out about?

    #298193

    Mick
    Participant

    Or perhaps because I told her that I got crush on her and the feeling isn’t strong as before, maybe she take it as I don’t have any feelings for her? Should I hint her that I still have feelings for her but it isn’t strong.

    I look at it is even though I may not have strong feelings anymore doesn’t mean there isn’t any feelings

    It seems like she is able to draw a line well, ignoring the fact that I got a crush on her previously, somehow she isn’t curious about it at all or perhaps I am thinking too much.

    I do not know what should I do?

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  Mick.
    #298197

    Mick
    Participant

    Adding to the point, should I bring it up to her regarding about me confessing my crush to her?

    #298203

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi JHK,

    If I read all your posts, it sounds as though you are waiting for someone to say something like ‘yes, I think revisiting the crush conversation is a good idea’.  And whilst absolutely having an open & honest conversation is the best way forwards, I’m not sure this is the right time for it.

    As I understand it, many of your conversations lately have been one-sided and much less stimulating/interesting than before. She’s also stated that she needs her alone time and that she’s finding you clingy at times now.  As such, it seems to me, that bringing the subject up directly now is unlikely to be successful how you would like it to be – if anything it will could make you seem like you are panicking that as she pulls away, you are no longer important to her, either as a friend or a relationship and are looking for reassurance that is not the case.

    Relationships and friendships both need space to breath, often a natural and hopefully pleasant, exciting, evolution as you get to know the person better and get closer.  This one seems hard work on your side, very one-sided? There are different ways to look to establish if she is interested in you romantically than directly asking, which I think would lead to another ‘heavy’ conversation or more avoidance on her part. How often do you guys meet up outside of work? Can you think of something new and interesting to do together, something you know she enjoys – if she accepts, that’s a great sign (obviously!). Not asking as a date, but to see how it goes, do you have fun together again, is it a positive experience for both of you?

    It would also be good for you to lessen your dependency on her responses, spend more time with other people, on other activities you enjoy. It makes a world of difference instead of sitting around trying to puzzle her out and worrying about lack of responses.

    Honestly, I sense you are scared you are losing her and would regret not trying again. Obviously only you can make that decision and I wish you well whichever way you try.  Heading out for a hike now, back later.

     

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