Hey JHK,

To be honest, it does sound a little like unrequited love to me. I would say you are in the friend camp and a great crutch for her when she wants it – which doesn’t seem especially fair to keep you hanging on. She may have been interested at one point but certainly reads like her latest behaviour is not that of someone looking eager to push the relationship forwards right now. Seriously – a great way of finding out more would be to arrange that visit to that place you both wanted to go, see how she responds – is she super-eager to spend more time with you or difficult to pin down as to when?

It may be that if you give her some space, back off the heavy topics, spend more time on your other interests and friends – you will become more attractive to her again.  It is worth doing anyway just so you aren’t spending all your time wondering, questioning and focusing purely on her. Broadening your life for a little while is a great way to get better perspective on what is/isn’t ‘true’.

I know it isn’t what you want to hear and especially after you have opened up after your last difficult time.  Yes, it is sad how often nice guys ( and women ) get put into the friend-zone but trust me, they always find the right person for them eventually. Be proud you opened up again after being hurt previously and perhaps look at this one as another learning. Let’s see how it goes.

Hi JHK,

It may be, there are many things it could be – I’d still say the likeliest version is that she no longer sees you as a potential relationship, regardless of if she is ready or not. I think that her not being ready is more like your hopeful thinking, a way to not give up your wish to continue this relationship – more that, then the reality based on events/knowledge/listening to what you have said she does/does not do.

What do you mean by a love grinch – a new one to me? I think you mean you both consider yourselves unsuccessful in love?

Everyone needs space and especially so after anything mentally draining. But that’s sort of the main point here right – these interactions if they were part of a positive relationship would leave you both feeling energised, excited about arranging the next one, eager to talk more, get to know each other more. Instead they leave you tired and insecure and make her want to run away, declining your invites outside work.

I understand you will find it hard to give up on her after having invested so much in her emotionally. Think about it not as giving up, but as dialing back the intensity to see if you can have a healthy friendship. Start from there, don’t think about where it could or  couldn’t go. Perhaps start to practise not overthinking and trying to second-guess her thoughts, just listen to what she actually says, what she does in reality – not what you would like them to mean or when you are feeling insecure, what you worry they could mean.

Am out a fair bit today, be back later.

Hey JHK,

Yeah, life is most certainly not a fairy-tale but then that’s what makes it so worth living, you can’t appreciate the good without feeling the bad too.  All feelings have their place, not all of them need acting on but should be felt, recognised, considered as to what they are telling you and if that is true or helpful.

So I’m glad to hear you have cleared the air with her, how did it go?

It’s good you tried to give her space, not push to help.  Though it’s interesting, everytime you write “I do x,y,z because I care about her” I get the opposite impression – the behaviour or action seems driven more by your feeling insecure about her, about her feelings towards you.

Yes, I would say you have some serious backing off to do if you want to salvage what you had or would like to have, be it friendship or romantic. She is not emotionally responsible for you, nor you for her. That’s why motivation on any action is so important – there’s a big difference between doing what’s best for the other person even if that isn’t what’s best for you – i.e. giving her more space, listening to her actual words, not what you hope they mean.

Have you thought about spending time on yourself, working through why you feel so insecure and unworthy?

Morning JHK,

I’m glad you have cleared the air between you both. Yes, everybody is different, that’s why it’s so important to learn the reality about people, not just who we imagine or hope they are or could be.  Especially in relationships, romantic or otherwise, when one person wants the relationship to work more than the other does, it is not surprising to result in unequal effort and insecurity.

Why do you think you ask so many questions – what kind of questions are they?  There are many different ways to have a conversation, it can be like an interrogation, demanding, looking for precise answers or it can flow easily, undirected, open, creating it’s own energy , bringing it alive, not killing it.  A vast difference in how someone will respond to the two extremes, don’t you think?

Do you honestly feel you have both been trying to avoid each other or do you really just feel that she is trying to avoid you? If so, in what ways have you been trying to avoid her and why?

Hi JHK.

Sometimes I find your posts conflicting – and it’s really important to deal with reality only. I think it would be helpful to go into a couple of the lines above in more detail, if you are willing to try and explain more. I think it will help unearth what is going on and help you find a way forwards.

I just feel that friends should always try to keep in contact to know about each other well being to avoid drifting.  This is another of those important areas where balance is crucial, the key to a healthy friendship and one which has crossed the boundaries into being too close, not letting each other breathe for fear of losing them.  Now obviously the question is – how to tell the difference, right?  For example, if I had a good friend who texted me every single day to see how I was – I would quickly become very very tired of that person and want some space. And I don’t think I’m unusual in that. After all, how tiring is that, the same questions each day, demanding a response seeing them getting anxious and more demanding if none is received. Whereas if I have a good friend who remembers when important things in my life are happening and checks in to see how they went – that’s wonderful, very supportive, healthy. Likewise if something exciting or terrible has happened to them, that’s a good time to share. You see the difference – one style is all about wanting to talk every single day, even when nothing to say, simply to establish contact. The other style is talking with a purpose, with something new to share.  This is why really good friends can go years without talking and then meet up one day and dive straight into very intimate conversations. They don’t need to be in daily contact to maintain intimacy with each other and they trust in the strength of the friendship, not testing it, just knowing it’s there when needed or wanted. This is where you need to be brutally honest with yourself as the only way forwards in determining which sort of communication you are doing and the driver behind it. I suspect if you are honest, you are going to find at least part of it is your fear of losing her, losing your close relationship.

Do you want to share some of the kinds of conversations you have been having and I can help establish which type they are with you?

And curious – why are you smiling less at her when you meet at work?  I can understand why she is smiling less but not why you are not smiling at her – are you still angry at her despite having cleared the air?

Hi JHK,

Less interaction by itself is not a bad thing, it is a natural thing, no need to worry about that. I would definitely stop with the daily texting without purpose, very draining for both of you.  My thinking is she is smiling less as the interactions with you have become draining too, often emotional. You both need some space to heal by yourselves. Wait for her to initiate the next conversation and then share that one here if you like.

I see you posting a lot on here, trying to puzzle this out and always focusing on her – so I do agree you should try to focus less on her and more on yourself. Think about what else you enjoy doing and try to spend some time doing that. Who else do you talk to apart from her?

Hi JHK,

Yes, from how I read your situation from what you describe, I would say she is finding you draining. It is why you feel like she is avoiding you, because she knowingly or unknowingly is doing so and why even your colleague has noticed it.

I think what you perceive as caring for her is being interpreted by her differently, rightly or wrongly.  The thing to do is not to panic about it, not to start worrying you must do more to correct this, to get things back to how they used to be. What you need to do instead is to do less. Less unhelpful contact, give her space. Be supportive of her needs – but only when she asks for support.

If you feel she didn’t say all she wanted to, I would suspect it was because she knew those things she wanted to say would hurt you. Most people will avoid hurting others unless necessary.

I wouldn’t. Actions speak louder than words here, remember. By not contacting her, you are doing that, giving her space.  I would suspect another text may be interpreted as just more emotional contact right now.

It doesn’t mean avoiding her at work at all costs – just not seeking her out, either in person or by text right now.