Morning JHK,

You are free to post as often and as much as you want to – it’s your choice.  However, you will have noticed I’ll only answer new questions that are I believe are helpful. I do this as I think you are still misunderstanding the really important thing here – this is about you, your anxiety, not her or the relationship.

For example, say I give you a list of signs to look out for and then tomorrow you think she is doing 4 out of 10 of them. What would you actually do? Would you panic, text more, ask her what’s wrong, ask her not to leave you? How do you think that would turn out, given all we have discussed?  Wouldn’t it be better to have already worked on yourself, understanding your anxiety and where it comes from – that way if the “worst” happens and she leaves you, you are still ok, you are sad to lose a friend but it is not the end of the world for you.

What do you think?

Dear JHK:

I will type here a message to Michelle who has been doing her best to be helpful to you, being very patient and committed to answering you every time you posted. You can read my message to her. This is a one time post that I am typing here.

* Dear Michelle:

I didn’t understand this until very recently and I will get straight to the point: I believe the original poster is suffering from significant cognitive impairment, making it impossible for him to understand abstract words and terms. The are the words/ terms he brought up June 11- June 25 in his numerous and repetitive questions to you: trust, unrequited love, friendship, (interpersonal) space (“Not getting in touch is the same as to give space?”), paranoid, insecure, awkward, forgiveness, and emotional dependence (in the link you sent him).

He has great difficulty interpreting facial/ body language, can’t read people: “I have no idea why is she smiling less, is there something I still don’t know or figure out?…I don’t understand why is she very calm about me having a crush on her…how do I know when someone walks away? How do I know if she is walking away?… How will I know if she has forgiven me? Any signs that I should look out for?”.

His self awareness is not there and no understanding of how his behavior affects others: “Am I the one draining her? In what ways am I draining her?… Is my overthinking affecting the friendship in any manner… I am the one that is being awkward over here and I wasn’t aware at all…is it because I am focusing and caring for her but I wasn’t aware of it? .. Am I being too clingy towards her?… I am glad that I am not to the stage whereby I.. put her in the center of my life”.

He reads terms online or hears of them and then wonders those apply to him, not understanding the terms: “Could it be I am paranoid or perhaps insecure?… I am glad I wasn’t paranoid because it will be quite scary”.

People in his life already told him that he asks lots of questions and that he annoys them, so he repeats what he heard people tell him but with no understanding of that information, he simply repeats: “I am the annoying person at this point, keep repeat the same questions”.

He does not understand the basics of human social behavior: “Why does she needs the wall to create space?”, and he is clueless as to what to do in social situations: “Let her be the one that text or reaches out to me?… Is small text conversations appropriate?”, etc.

To close: the original poster may very well be on the spectrum of autism, or suffering from an Autism Spectrum Disorder. If and once diagnosed, an individual treatment plan can be put together for him by a professional or a group of professionals, where he will be taught very basic social skills, being taught using concrete words and instruction, nothing abstract. This kind of help is not available here, on this site.

anita