Dear blkhwkdwn1:

Looking at the title of your thread, I guess you are not letting her go.

I do wish she was more available to you and that you had the courage to interact with her more often and more deeply, calmly. If you could, you would have. It is the fear. Don’t be hard on yourself.

The way she is, unfortunately is rare. I wish it wasn’t. It doesn’t seem like a lot, to do and say the things she did. But to say and do those few things- without the occasional abuses- is what is rare with her. And this is the kind of person I would like you to have in your life, one who never mistreats you. There is comforting, intoxicating safety in that. And safety is what you need to relax your fear.

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

Understandable: it is good when you can rely and depend on a person to keep their word, to do what they said they will. She is like that; you are, but this other person is not. Best is when you can depend on a person to- no matter how they feel- to always treat you well, never to punish you for the way they feel. To always count on a person to not mistreat you- this is what safety means in a relationship. Wish it was more, way more common than it is!

anita

Pete
I have been reading your posts for past few months. I am not an expert but I went through a lot of stuff too.
First – You need to make an effort to book an appointment for counselling. This is not helping you just writing stuff here though I agree Anita has been really supportive to you. But bottom line – you need professional help – counselling on regular basis.

Second – In times of loneliness and depression, we start to feed off a person who seems to be giving attention to us. It might be good but it should not become obsessive and so much dependent on a person. It is NOT HEALTHY.

Third – I agree you had a hard life – more you dwell on it, more you hang on to it, you will only sink into a hole. OKAY, it was bad, SHAKE IT OFF and get counselling, help and do something with your life. You wanted spiritual way – This is it, God has given you life, God has given you so much love and given you a good job, roof over your head and even though you went through all of this in life, You are alive and you should be proud of it – You are a survivor and God Loves Survivors. You chose your life before being born – that is the spiritual life. Find lessons in this life and live it. If you go suicide route, you will have to repeat this whole life again and again until you learn your lesson. That is the God’s truth and the spiritual answer.

I have seen people in worse situations and personally I have been in hell personally. I know suicide is not the answer.

GET OUT OF SELF PITY MODE. SELF-PITY is worst thing. Are you proud to be giving away money and helping people? You are doing it for yourself not others. If it were true, do it with a happy smile and not with a pity mode. You are meant to suffer but you are putting suffering on yourself. Everyone has their life. You need to be yourself and be happy. If you cannot be happy on your own, you will never find happiness in life. That is the spiritual Zen truth.

Take a notebook, write what you are grateful for each day. Tiny things – you see a bird, you smiled at something at nature, you have a home, you have people around you whom you call as ‘buddies’. Every tiny thing, you need to be grateful for.

Take a bunch of papers, write down all your thoughts as they come not in this forum, on paper.. It will get it out of system. Just do not go back and read it to feel proud or to see what you have written. Once you write it, tear it up and flush it. Keep doing it until you bring out all toxicity out of the system. This is what Counselling also will help you do.

Being alone is a great boon, people with kids and spouses and affairs also suffer more and their problem. God is with you always. Being alone, you can do whatever you want in life. Be happy, spread happiness around. Toxicity is only when you allow it.

You are in a site which talks a lot about Buddha, what have you read apart from posting here on your mood swings? Have you read and meditated on anything from this site?

If you want to help others and feel you are meant for it, you need to help yourself first. Your inner child is crying for help and you are neglecting and ignoring God’s best gift to you.

Everyday do the gratitude exercise. Every time you feel lonely, see what you can do – you can take up hobby, volunteer at childrens hospital or old age home to read to kids etc., Giving money is easy. This is tough. Write / Paint what every you like. If you liked music, go and learn some music. Go to art classes if you want.

JUST GET OUT OF THIS and MOVE – TAKE ACTION – GET COUNSELLING IMMEDIATELY.