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Let her go?

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Viewing 15 posts - 421 through 435 (of 1,012 total)
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  • #230907
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    I will be back to the computer in about 18 hours to read and reply to your recent post.

    anita

    #230913
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Alright, have fun. Just logged into FB and saw her message me a few times since that last message I gave her i told you about. “Ok see you then!”, then 8 hours later “Wow way to be suspenceful!” haha.

    #231053
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    I’ll be honest with her as hard as that is, she likes honesty”- good plan!

    “I hate myself and I look for ways to get people to hate me”- … not a good plan.

    Regarding “feeling unworthy of friendships, being used to feeling abandoned”, I understand. It will help then that you have little or no expectation for the meeting with her as well as for future meetings after that one. Make the best of it by being honest with her, telling her how you feel in an honest, straightforward and clear way, so that she can understand.

    Relax into this meeting best you can, expect nothing, think to yourself: this is not a test, this is not an audition, this is not an interview, this will not make a difference in my life or in hers. This is nothing other than two people coming together for a short time to talk.

    anita

    #231113
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    What about some conditions? feel strongly about these 2 conditions.

    1. Only pay me if money is not tight or too tight. I don’t want her to struggle just because she wants to pay me back.

    2. Money wont be the only reason we hang out. I don’t want to meet her because she wants to pay me, us meeting up wont feel genuine anymore. She said she should start paying monthly, which means we will see eachother for coffee monthly. I’d like that or even better more often but it will only be because she wants to give me money, not because she wants to.

     

    I wont lie, kinda happy to finally see some money. But also not happy because I wanted to help her out and it feels like I helped her out just for some satisfaction of having something on her when I just did it because I care about what she went through. Who gives out that kind of cash to a friend that doesn’t care about their problems?

    #231119
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    I was never clear myself about what you feel about that loan. At times you said things that read like you don’t care about her paying you back (ex., telling her to give the money to someone else who needs it more than you do), and at other times it seemed to me that you do want that money back. Maybe you are not clear about it yourself. I tend to think it is both, you did want to help her altruistically and at times you do want your money back.

    Maybe you can get more clear about your position regarding the money? Your options are to turn what she owes you into a gift and let it go completely, never to mention it again. Another option is to arrange for a payment plan with her. But don’t give her double messages. Either you want the money back or you don’t. This is part of the honesty I mentioned, the honesty that she likes, isn’t it?

    anita

    #231127
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Yeah I’d like the money back but I feel guilty taking it back and tell her to keep it. Makes me feel like a cheapskate asking for it back and I have told her a few times she can keep it, but she wants to pay me back regardless. She will probably feel better. Here is part of what I text her

     

    “The reason why I say I don’t need the money is because I feel guilty getting it back, I don’t help people so they can pay me back but I help them because I want them to be alright”.

     

    Like I said, I do care about peoples problems. I’ll message back in a few days after we hang out. Hope all is well on your end.

    #231131
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    This is almost honest, could be more honest maybe to say: the reason I told you to keep the money was because I feel guilty for wanting you to pay me back. I loaned you the money because  really wanted to help you. But I also want it back. My problem is that I feel guilty wanting it back, this is why I told you to keep the money in the past. Not because I didn’t want it back but because I felt guilty for wanting it back. In summary: I do want it back.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #231603
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Spent 2 and a half hours together, it was nice. Had a coffee and took a walk to a bench, saw a guy asking for change so i gave him $2.50 and she gave me $2, told him it was from both of us, talked to a random older woman who sat with us at the bench talking about stuff then head to the beach sitting beside eachother close, took my picture and a picture of both of us on her phone liking the moment, got the stuff off our chests. Told her I wanted to walk over because I was nervous and needed to get rid of my nervous energy because I don’t get out much and my anxiety I have. Also about the times we tried making plans for coffee in Jan and after our previous meeting and both times I felt unworthy of being around people so I never messaged her and we fell out of touch, same when she invited me to the concert she went to, also told her I like being around her and noticed we don’t communicate as much as we used to and would like to stick around still and she wants me to aswell.

    Sat on the rocks beside the ocean and took turns skipping rocks, walked back to her car, threw leaves on eachother and a guy with a dog was smiling at me, she said “see that guy likes you”, i’m like “he saw us throwing leaves on eachother and knew what was up” because guys do that thinking “my man” and she drove me home. Talked for a while longer about more stuff and wanted to invite me to do drop in african drumming when she goes and I said if you do more concerts I’ll go to the next one you invite me to. Told me because what I did for her is the reason why she left her previous waitress job and got into the job she has wanted for years, now she has more time to connect with the people who mean a lot to her. Also called me charming and wants me to do the things I want to do. Also told her I wanted to say this to her in person because it’s not something you text someone, she agreed.

     

    All in all a great day with an awesome friend of mine.

    #231609
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I also think you would really like her. She says be your authentic self, don’t be anyone else and do/say what you want, don’t hide it, don’t change for other people, just be your true self. Anyway I am going to crash (nap), i’m so tired right now…must have been all that air from the beach.

    #231699
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    What a great report, reminiscent of the past. I hope you have more of these meetings with her, what a lovely time! Good to read this from you!

    Remember what she says, and I agree: “be your authentic self, don’t be anyone else and do/say what you want, don’t hide it, don’t change for  other people”- practice this with her.

    anita

    #231757
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks, I hope we will have more of those meetings too and I bet we will. When we hang out and go for walks we get pretty close like this, sat side by side with leg touching leg. I was feeling awkward, but it was pretty intense, talked about a lot of stuff including stuff I never posted because it’s just between the 2  of us and I don’t wanna betray her trust as we have been through a lot over the past 2 years and some change and I will feel guilty because of it. I wont talk about the private stuff but it was a pretty fun time. I’ll text her tomorrow morning and tell her I had fun time and it’s made me feel a tiny bit better and I’ll call her next week sometime and let her know she can call me anytime if she wants to talk, even over a bad day or a good day and that i’d love to talk to her.

     

    She had her hands all over one of my legs and my arms showing me teqniques she does to people for her job, showing me points on her body lifting her shirt in different directions to get at them (she almost showed me her boobs a few times doing this), talked about her ex and what he’s still going through, he still lives with her but they aren’t together and never will be (long story), daughters moving out. Mom is sorta happy about that, she wants to live alone. Told me when her mom gets that yoga stuff up and running that I should totally give it a try…would be a long drive and will probably be like 3 hours, so I said why not? i’m down to try new things…I need to. told me when I am ready to give her a shout and book an appointment with her for an hour. Talked about her things she went through at the hospital, that she will pay me back in sections, my feelings I needed to get out there, did some of her yoga, did pressure points and followed along like tapping on them and saying “i love myself” and that sorta stuff, which I struggled with, how what I did for her is why she’s at the job she loves and  has wanted for years, how  she now has time for spending around the people that matter to her now. It was intense, never actually been around something like this. She liked my text I gave her on thanksgiving wishing her and all of her family well.

     

    On the way back to my place (she even parked and we talked for like 10 minutes) we talked about she would like me to come with her to do African drumming when she goes, so I said why not? sure. Told her any events she goes to and invites me i’ll come, also asked about the other concert she invited me to and if anyone went? nobody did, but i’ll go to the next one for sure. Also if there are events I will go to like some martial arts ones and there is a free class to try it out she will join me. Told me I should start getting into planks everyday and try and improve over time and keep her updated on my progress and for the both of us to better our nutrition. We also hugged a few times and I left to get inside the house. Now I’ll just message her tomorrow morning and phone her next week sometime later.

     

    Was a great time! I’ll probably leave for a while and come back to update what is going on. Hope this becomes a nice long friendship where we can say whatever we want to eachother (nice things only) and just have a deep meaningful connection. I don’t want something fake…looking for something real, real friends and real connections.

     

    While I am away I hope you have great expieriences out in the world and I wish you well.

    #231847
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    I read your recent post attentively and it was a delight reading it! Thank you for wishing me well and I do wish you well too, of course. I think it is a very good choice to not share things here that she told you because those were private things, so to not betray her trust.

    It is amazing that your loan helped her so much, made it possible for her to have a job she enjoys, great help, how fortunate she is to have met you and to have you as her friend. And she is such a decent person, from all you shared, that you are fortunate as well to have her as your friend.

    I like this very much: “Hope this becomes… a deep meaningful connection. I don’t want something fake… looking for something real, real friends and real connections”.

    Whenever you choose to return here and update, please do. I will be glad to read from you anytime.

    anita

     

    #231999
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you. 🙂 Messaged her today that I had fun the other day and was feeling a tiny bit better and I’ll call her next week. Made her glad I was feeling a tiny bit better and to call her next Friday and that she wants to stay in touch with me, also that she had such a nice time with me at the beach. I was full blown depressed last night and this morning though, I was really feeling low. My sister is back trying to scam me for money again. I helped her out with a big bill and she said she will pay me back but all she wants is to suck my dry of all my money, I can’t deal with that shit…I WONT deal with that.

     

    Until the update, keep well Anita.

    #232003
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Thank you, blkhwkdwn1. I like your update. Keep at being real, authentic and consistent with it.

    anita

    #235203
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Don’t mean to bump this right now as there is not much to update except the 31 minute phone call (she told me to call her anytime I want, I told her you too) and i’ve been struck by a HUGE depression, even permenently deleted my facebook and it’s left me crying all the time, but that’s about it.

     

    I was mostly curious as this has been on my mind, how do I grow the friendship? doing a lot of thinking and looking back at our previous conversations on my old phone which I made back at page 25 when she was going through her tough time with the 2 blood clots and gallstone problems and that day on the bench talking freely about stuff with no nervousness and I could not be bothered to text her that much (1 month at a time) because I felt really close to her. I was thinking…what happened to that and how do I get the both of us back to being that close? also that day at the bench she was talking about she has some aquantances she hangs around every now and then and was looking for some close friends, which I said “maybe me” and she smiled. I dunno what happened? maybe that’s not a normal friend closeness long term? But man, I really wish I could get back to summer of 2017 because that type of communication is what I want in friends instead of this 2 times a year hangout aquantance stuff. We talked monthly, hung out monthly, text back and fourth weekly then monthly when everything was good. I sure do miss those days, I did text her today if she is up for roller blading when it gets warmer (spring), she said maybe at some point, maybe ask if she wants company when she goes to the laundry mat to wash the clothes? hikes or something. I just want that feeling back even if I did complain still about things. Definatly the best summer of my life (told the woman my best day was when she came with me to the docs, then the walk after and she liked that a lot) even if it was on not so good terms for her, but then it was because she was happy to have 4 months off work. I’m  phoning her before she goes away for 5 days at the end of Nov and wishing her a safe happy journey, then I will tell her to call me next in Dec because I don’t want to be the only one who texts and  phones (makes me feel bad knowing I am doing the work only) but I REALLY want this to be like it used to and just need advice. I know she does not feel the same way, she always says whatever happens just go with it. I can’t even go on meetup.com and sign up to those groups, even the social anxiety group. Also looking back in this thread when I donated all that money to that girl and that woman I talk about said she cried? and I told her I would do that for you too if you ever were in trouble, realized I followed my word lol.

     

    Friendship is hard but it sure is rewarding if you got the right person.

Viewing 15 posts - 421 through 435 (of 1,012 total)

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