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Let her go?

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This topic contains 478 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  anita 6 days, 18 hours ago.

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  • #235227

    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    I wish it was different for you, I wish you saw her regularly and had more of those experiences of summer before last, and that very last meeting you had with her. You mentioned suggesting to her to join her in the laundry mat, why not do that, suggest that to her?

    There is that great emptiness in you that got filled just a little bit last time you saw her, but then away from her, you felt that emptiness more acutely than before, because it was temporarily filled. That emptiness is the loneliness of childhood re-experienced. A child feels things intensely and feeling alone, unloved, rejected, mistreated, those feel terrible. So the child does the best he can to survive that emptiness, getting used to it.

    Then came she into your life, and it felt so good to have something good there where it was empty before.

    What about calling her and seeing if you can join her at the laundry mat or such thing?

    anita

    #235229

    pete
    Participant

    I will probably just do that. Thanks. Told her I am done talking about my depression to her, she does still live with her ex who gets really depressed he stops eating, bathing and brushing his teeth etc for days, up to weeks (except eating) and does not want him living on the streets which is where he would be if she just left him.

     

    Until next time.

    #235233

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, blkhwkdwn1, hope you spend some time with her soon.

    anita

    #235399

    pete
    Participant

    Me too. I’ll update you in like July or August. Thought of a new phone idea i’m going to run by her, but only if she wants and if once a month is what she wants then that’s cool too…i’ll phone her once a month for a few months, then once every 3 weeks, then every 2 weeks, then once a week but if I miss her i’ll text her letting her know and phone her on a day off the following week. I mean she always says call her any time I want so she must be down for talking at any time. I feel more comfortable once a month, that “anytime you want” part messes with my head, if I started calling her every day she probably wont want that but she says anytime I want which confuses me. Maybe like I can be out of touch for 2 years and randomly call her and she goes “who’s this?”. I know it means anytime I want but a simple thing like that kind of blows my mind into pieces, there obviously has to be some kind of boundary, saying call me once a week or something is much better for my sanity. I DON’T think she will want to talk to me every day lol, everyone needs their alone time to recharge. Hope she will go blading with me in Aprilish and we hang out before then, just want someone to be close with and someone that lets me know they are thinking of me (like she used to text me she was several times last year) and you share stuff about your lives with eachother and you can just be free. Also blading to a coffee place and then sitting down outside in the sun would be dope.

     

    Also the stuff with her ex she does to help him out so he’s not on the streets I’m sure she would like to unload from, she sounded kinda annoyed she does this but does not want him on the streets, let her vent. When we hang out we talk about it and high 5 the good things, she also used to text me about it in the past.

    #235409

    John
    Participant

    Pete –

     

    First of all, you are not undeserving of anyone. Those thoughts you have, that tell you that someone is better than you are, that they are out of your league, that you will never be able to be with them, they are doubt. Doubt should be arrested for murder, because it has killed more dreams than failure ever has. My wife was severely out of my league. But I was young, and I had some serious swagger, and probably a little too healthy opinion of myself. A whole lot of women are attracted to men with a good amount of self esteem. Because if we think that highly of ourselves, then we must think quite highly of them seeing as we want to be around them. I was terrified, like you, and thought “I am gonna tell this amazing, charming, beautiful woman that I think all of those things about her, and she is gonna laugh in my face and tell me to get lost”. We have been married for almost 15 years and have 4 kids.

     

    But what happens if she does? Is the sun no longer going to rise and set? Are the tides still going to come in and out? Your worst case scenario is that you have an awkward interaction with her and then apologize after saying how she made you feel, but that you just had to take the chance because you would have regretted it always if you had not. Do not act aloof. Nor repentant. Act as though you took a chance, you failed, you would like to move on as friends, and then do so. Do not be awkward around her. If she asks if you will be, pull a Jim Halpert and say “Oh. yeah. Totally awkward. I hope that’s okay” and have a laugh with her. If she gives you the “I would rather just stay friends”, then at least you know, and will never second guess yourself. If that is amenable to you, say you would love that and are glad to have her as a friend. If that is something you can’t get over then you move on. That last part….hardly ever happens. But here is the thing. That last part hardly ever happens because we men think that if we just persevere, she’ll see us as a viable candidate some day. Maybe. More than likely not, however.

     

    But your best case scenario is that she says she also feels that way about you, or at the very least is interested in seeing if she also would like to see you. Do not attempt to talk down the other guy in order to make yourself seem more compatible. Just tell her how you feel. Exactly what you told us here…..she makes you smile. Even when you don’t feel like it.

     

    Your one decision must be is it worth it to say something. I have never once heard of someone in your position making their feeling known and then even the friendship imploding outside of the man with hurt feelings being unable to get over the rejection. If you  can handle that possibility, then you have nothing to lose. If you can handle that she might tell you she just wants to be friends (or in severely, unheard of in my case, rare occasions where they break off all contact), then you literally lose nothing. Your worst case scenario is you end up where you are …..right now.

     

    A study was done of palliative care nurses (end life/nursing home) asking the people they took care of what their biggest regret was as they neared the end of their lives. One of the biggest regrets was not telling someone they cared about how they felt. This is one regret you can avoid now, and all it might cost you is a little bit of your ego. Considering what you might gain in the bargain, totally worth it.

     

    Keep your chin up. Believe in yourself. Don’t let the world grind you down and feel bad about you. You are deserving of love and happiness, and you will find it, one way or another.

    #235427

    pete
    Participant

    Our friendship has come a long way since I started the thread. I thought I liked her but i’m sure I was just crushing on her because I was running away from lonliness. Been lonely for a LONG time, I can hide things really well. I still like her I think but the things we have been through the past 2 years is not worth risk never talking to her again,  I don’t think I could live with myself if I ever told her only for her to not wanna keep talking to me anymore. When we were the closest my feelings for her were gone and all I had was friendship feelings and after all this time talking about her in here and hanging out with her in person, talking on the phones, texting, I am pretty confident she does not have the same feelings for me. But talking to her makes me feel less sad.

     

    Our last time talking when I told her about adding my pic to tinder, that microsecond she sounded EXTREMLY happy for me even though I told her I aint looking for anyone, but she told me you never know someone may just find you anyway and that she was not looking for a guy in her life right now but maybe a few years she may go looking and that any girl would be lucky to have me. I’m sure she knows I dig her after everything we have been through and always will, at least some part of me and I have told her in the past that I really like hanging out with her, hell I have even wrote her notes and read them off the paper infront of her so I don’t forget anything, sometimes she holds back from crying lol. We have held hands before, had our arms around eachother, flirted in friendly way just for some fun and I constantly get mixed signals but I just go with it, she’s just this friendly with me. I really don’t want to lose her in my life and I am perfectly ok just being friends. LOTS of girls out there and I still do my flirting, not as much this year though. She likes to hang out with me, she also wants to stay in touch with me and wants me to come to events with her. Also recently told me she may be down for roller blading in the spring, has disproval in her tone when I invite her to things that are 3-4 months down the road and says that’s too long away (she wants to do them sooner). She wants friends in her life, she has a career and spends a lot of time around family and helping her ex boyfriend who’s been living with her for months.

     

    I just want to grow this friendship and be close like we used to be. I am still unsure if I really dig her as much as I say or I am just insanely lonely and just want some close friendships which is why it’s better I don’t say anything to her because I don’t even know my true feelings, lately I have been crying myself to sleep because all of my problems and not being where I want to be. I am normally fine at work and talk/joke around, not always though. Sometimes I go  really quiet, I am not a quiet person but when I am I am really quiet and blame it on being tired, once I am alone and have to face my demons I feel done for and everyone is better off if I am not around. Sometimes I slip up and tell her how I am feeling, then I realize I need to back off and tell her I am sorry and wont talk about my depression anymore because my problems are not for a friend to help me through. I either have to want to help myself or keep going through this every day. She did her part, she helped me to the doctor where I came out of the closet and told him I was suicidal, took a while to get out with all the crying going on.

    #235483

    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    I would be confused too if told: call me anytime you want. I would ask: how often is okay for me to call, once a week, twice, every day/what is the limit- Did you ask her?

    I am looking forward to read from you anytime, and so would like to read about quality time you spend with her next.

    anita

     

    #236305

    pete
    Participant

    Quick question…was thinking of giving her an Xmas gift this year like that 1 year (her favourite gift, our mug we got her), going to try book an appointment at her work soon, then again just before Xmas and give her a gift she will hopefully love but I got no idea because we rarely talk and her phone is mostly used for her work now. So many times I wanna call her and talk but I don’t, even though she says call any time I want. I’ll call her in a week and a few days like I told her. Can’t be clingy, we are “sorta” friends, don’t hang out/talk on phone/text enough to be considered real friends in my eyes, which I am going to try changing and hopefully she does too because I aint getting any younger and need people to hang out with, as you get older people wish they had friendships but many don’t seem to put the effort into it as it’s all about family and career.

    Took me 10 minutes staring at the send button asking if she has any open slots lmao. I’m still going to do my normal thing I do every year at my job where I give everyone I work with candy canes, it’s pretty much religion at this point.

     

    Also no I did not ask her, I joked over a year ago saying I will call everyday when she told me I can call anytime I want, then and she said I can if I want and she will call me back if she’s able to. I figure I wont ask her the once a month, once every 3 weeks, once every 2 weeks, once a week thing as she will probably feel awkward, I’ll just say I will call 1 or 2 times a month as she has other things to do. I really should have done this earlier when we started calling eachother, now it seems like she has a ton of friends by looking at her facebook feed, but maybe she does not talk on the phone much and is looking to do that more, who knows I’ll ask her about that.

    #236361

    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    I remember the  mug fondly, and I remember your candy cane tradition at work, these memories are bringing a smile to my face at this very moment.

    Regarding phone calls, in my experience, since I started communicating  mainly online  I dislike talking on the phone, really don’t like it and avoid it. I don’t use my  phone hardly, don’t  even know how to access voicemail or delete phone records. Maybe this is true to her as well.

    So you are thinking about a present for her and you want ideas? What  about another mug, maybe mug gifting can be a Christmas tradition, one you have with her?

    She will see the new mug (different words and design) and remember the old… and maybe have the same delighted reaction?

    anita

    #236435

    pete
    Participant

    I’ll ask her about the phone calls when we talk next week hopefully. Doubt she talks on the phone much, will probably ask her if she likes to talk on the phone and how often she does it and if she is looking to talk on it more (if nobody calls her). I’m jealous of a guy I talk to at work who’s roomates with my old roomate, he sees her way more often then I do. He’s had 3 appointments at her work and sees her sometimes at the pool, while I get to hang out with her 2 times a year…now THAT makes me feel like shit, but they don’t text or talk on the phone. But I want her to call, she has 1 time in the past, other times it was me or her texting me to call her because she was needing someone to talk to. What I have noticed I always go back to is that summer we had, nothing else just that 1 summer. I miss us texting back and fourth a few times a week, got me through my morning, then the times we talked, when we hung out. I keep replaying it over and over and over again, I still read the texts on my old phone. But that was 2 years ago this summer and I guess we were close because what she was going through and needed a friend for a while, but now doesn’t.

     

    I got an idea for a mug…how about one themed around her work? She’s now a massage therapist, so a mug with a picture of a woman giving someone  a massage and I can put “busy at work” on it or something and it can be her work mug.

     

    But I really hope we hang out more then 2 times a year, especially after what she told me about having more time for people that mean a lot to her and how she was looking for a small group of close friends instead of just acquantances…why can’t I be part of that? after all we have been through together. I figure i’ll give it until summer time, if nothing has changed then i’ll stop phoning and messaging her and maybe reconnect some other time in our lives. I feel so bad every day just thinking about this and want it to go away, like I am not good enough and I WANT to be good enough and I can’t be honest with her about this because anytime I am honest about things in my life all that ever happens is I get yelled at and get treated like I am always in the wrong and I feel like garbage knowing I am always a f*ckup. This is probably also not something I should be sharing with her anyway.

     

    I also think I think this way because I want a reason to finally end whatever it is we are, which I have no idea what this is so I try making her look like she hates me or does not like me so I can justify my thoughts and go “I was right all along”. I am such a toxic person just by reading this thread and what I think about in my head, I guess because of growing up and going through what I have and can’t move forward.

    #236437

    pete
    Participant

    BTW she said “Yes please call 🙂 ” to  me, so i’ll call her next week and talk.

    #236469

    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    The massage therapist mug is an excellent idea, I am excited!

    I felt similar to what  you described here: “like I am not good enough and I WANT to be good enough” and “I get yelled at and get treated like I am always in the wrong”. I imagine the first time it occurred to me, long ago, when I was a child, the first time it occurred to me that I was not good enough, it must have been devastating. It’s been devastating  all along, to live year after year  with that belief, but the first time, I imagine it  was  a shock. That feeling  of being less-than. When a parent gives a child this feeling, this belief, no amount  of food or toys or clothes or anything can possibly make up for this devastation, not remotely close to making up for this.

    And the thing  is, it is not true. I remember the first time it occurred to me that it wasn’t  true (as an adult, only a few years ago), that was a shock, I couldn’t believe  it, seems like I was sure about it. Amazing how you can be sure about something  that isn’t true.

    Back to the mug, excellent  idea and I hope you talk to her soon and get some clarity about how often you will be talking and meeting  her, better be  more  often than it has been.

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  anita.
    #236477

    pete
    Participant

    Yeah, it’s brutal going day to day feeling like that. Sorry you went through that though.

     

    As for the mug…probably going to put a note in the mug saying

     

    “If you’re ever stuck and need help, I hope you think of me and I will be honored to help you out any time 🙂 ”

     

    Rather then a card, cards are so played out and a hand written note IMO has more feeling since you’re not paying for words, you’re writing them. I’ll let you know what happens next month. Gonna try calling 1-2 times a month next year, will tell her she can call me in Dec if she wants to talk about her trip and stuff.

    #236481

    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    Thank you for the empathy. A hand written note, your own words is an excellent idea. It is settled then, a mug and a note for Christmas, reads  excellent to me. I imagine she will display this mug in her massage room so it will be there  every time she works.

    anita

    #236549

    pete
    Participant

    You’re welcome.

     

    Yeah that’s what I shall do, gonna talk to her about her new job like why did she go for it, what lead her up to it, if I can call her 1-2 times a month, if she likes talking on the phone and if so does she do it much outside of her job (so personal calls)? would she like to start doing it more in general with people? also if she would text me to call her if she’s ever in need of someone to talk to due to a bad day like we have in the past a few times or some great news or something? even at say midnight, i’d be up to talk even if I get up at 4am for 6am work. Also ask if I can bring her as my guest to her old jobs xmas party, we can bring guests/family. I’ll message back by Xmas.

     

    She seemed excited by the text.

     

    Me: Hello was thinking of calling before your trip to say wassup if you aint busy. If you are that’s cool, another time.

    Her: Yes please call 🙂

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