More realizations I realize it’s my fault and partly her fault for not setting a boundary. I wanted a close friendship with her SO BAD because my feelings for her felt SO REAL, but they were not real. She just wanted to help, she did not really want a close friendship with me which is why the “too busy” always pops up and why after everything I am still no better then anyone else.  Clearly I am not in the best mindset and it’s probably due to how lonely I am and have abbandonment issues and clung onto her. This Epiphany literally shook me to the CORE, i’ve never felt this before. Just like that, in the POWERFUL thought I just had my feelings for her dropped DRAMATICALLY! I am still shaking from this. But I wanted this friendship with her due to those surreal feelings I had for her, she didn’t but for some reason could not tell me.

Hope you’re doing well.

I still talk to her but not as much, asked her if I can text less and call her more and she really did not like that but said to call any time I want and that she will call me next time in a few weeks (wont happen), unplanned is what she wants rather then planned calls. She calls her man everyday he’s gone and they have short conversations. Found my old phone with convos from that 1 summer, man we were close…what happened? I truely miss those days and now that she has a boyfriend I think our closness has come to an end. She knows about the girl I met I will write below and told me she’s happy for me several times. Told her I still find I am being annoying even doing 2 time a month calls but she said I wasn’t, if I was she could always just ignore the call or tell me she’s not wanting to talk, which is true.

As for other things. Decided to try dating apps a go for friends and MAYBE more…scored my first ever date but she had to cancel, so we will reschedule. I asked for her number so we text sometimes. Lots more I been talking to recently including 1 I was REALLY enjoying learning about her and messaging her back and fourth for hours! But I am not her type, she wants a guy that knows what he wants and has a career and stuff, also told me she’s proud of me for my weight loss and I told her I was proud of her for finding her job she loves (hair dresser) and that she finds my determination really attractive, but just stopped messaging me and the next day unmatched me so she was gone, kinda bummed me out she was an interesting person and very attractive like the girl this thread is about (but that’s not why I liked messaging her). Also have others I constantly make them laugh and they call me hilarious. I really need and want to get my life together and learn to have meaninful conversations with women, that would be amazing!

Anyway I will update another time. Perhaps a few months?

Hey so that date never happened. She bailed and told me she was so sorry that she never does that but she never slept, had a headache and work got in the way. Then we planned for Wednesday and did not hear from her until later and she was busy again at work saying it’s rarely like this, normally it’s relaxed and that she was sorry. Never messaged her back and she text me if I blocked her? and said Ok. Then I messaged back and said I didn’t but moving on and wished her good luck and that there are no hard feelings. We also tried to talk on the phone early this week on the Monday but I was not feeling up to it, the next day I was but she was busy, same with the day after then she was busy again on Wednesday and the date never happened…again.

As for my friend here, since we talked on the phone last week pretty much every day I just wanna text or call her and tell her I am moving on and that we can’t be friends anymore. I wont tell her why I want to, i’ll just say “Don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter let’s just move on”. I don’t WANT to do this but I feel I HAVE to do this, my feelings feel so toxic inside just thinking about this.

I asked her back in October if we could hang out more, she really did seem like she wanted to with her tone when she said she really wants to aswell and she told me she has more time for people that matter to her now and text me that she wants to stay in touch with me (I guess because I tend to disapear for long stretches but she can pick up the phone or text me too). Why do I not matter? Why did she tell me this if I was not part of it? why does she always lie to me? does it mean she really doesn’t want to be friends? more like casual aquantances? but why call me right away when I tried ending our friendship over text? Back on late December after christmas she said we are always going to be together getting through everything together. I don’t understand. Am I doing the right thing ending things? All I really want is for her to hang out with me more then once every 3 months, I don’t understand how that is so hard unless she really does not want to but I wish she would tell me she doesn’t want to then. Does she not want me around but is too nice to tell me to get lost?

As for what I would say to her…be more like “You know I wish nothing but amazing things to happen to you and for you to always be happy, right? but we can’t be friends anymore”. If she asks why? i’ll say “It doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it let’s just move on. All I want is for you to be happy and healthy. I have to go now, goodbye *her name*”, then I hang up and block her from my phone. Is this the right thing to do? I don’t wanna ghost her, but I don’t want to tell her and blame her and make her feel bad just because I want something different then she does. I am sure she would be shocked for that phone call just going BOOM! She will never know the reasons why I will do this, but things will never be how I want them to no matter how many times I ask and I don’t want to be a casual acquantance, I thought after everything we have been through together, plus the money part as I wanted her to take as much time off and heal herself and being the only “friend” to wanna visit her in the hospital we could have been close and done more together, but it’s just a dream I guess. Like I have said though, is this the right thing to do? I can’t seem to get over her…at times I finally do but always come back and it’s bloody painful and I feel so awful inside. Like I am slowly being poisoned, I am slowly going crazy. I can’t get this crap off my mind, it’s just always there! always lingering around in my head, just drowning me and making me feel worthless. I get up in the morning and the first thing I think about is this and how I am not good enough and knowing if I end things I will have nobody again and all that will remain of us is a distant  memory.

It’s probably all in my head like it normally is. Only asked if we can hang out more that 1 time and she said yes that she really wants that too but that’s when I pretty much dissapeared from existance and we stopped hanging out and the other time asked if we can hike once a month but she could not say yes and hurt my feelings if she could not do it, so maybe a little longer. Also never actually told her to call me first, just to call me any time which she never done unless I want to talk. I planned to ask her if she could call me first sometimes and she was curious what I was planning to ask her, but threw it away and she told me to message her when I remember and tell her what it was.

I decided I am taking a break. Text her that the hike we were gonna do next week when her family is all gone I will give a rain check because I am going through some shit (which I am) and she messaged back that it was not a silly idea but ok. Also that I will message her in a couple months which means the big hike next month is a no go. But I will float away for a while and do the things I wanna do instead, maybe message her sometime next year.

Welcome back, hope your time away was well rested.

As for taking a break, it’s from the friendship. She text me last night she is close to paying me part of the money she owes me (though she has been saying that since like Jan). She will probably wanna meet somewhere for a coffee or something, I will just tell her to meet me at my work when I am finished and I will grab it and then I will take off home.