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Let her go?

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This topic contains 614 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  anita 17 hours, 32 minutes ago.

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  • #299327

    pete
    Participant

    I already have told her I have strong feelings for her and that she means a lot to me and she knows I like her more then friends, not much more I can say. Decided today that the phone call was pretty telling to me, she was saying she wishes she made more effort for her friends, but she’s really busy and that right there told me that I am not a priority to her like I have been wanting to be in her life, even if it wasn’t a romantic part…even if it was just a close friend that she wanted around in her life to do things with and share things with, like bad days and stuff like I told her on the phone back in December when she got back from her business trip where I called her before the trip to talk about it, then again after she got back to talk about and we talked for an hour and her voice went lower like she REALLY liked me telling her to call any time she wants if it was a good day, bad day, good news, bad news, etc. ANYthing, even just a quick 2 minute call to let stress out. She told me nobody does that for her, but never called me once on her own except by accident which bummed me out because like I said, I ain’t a priority to her and never will be for whatever reason despite everything we have been through.

     

    So…it’s time I push her away now. If she texts? i’ll not answer. Same with calling. Time to try and find people that want the same type of closeness, which is probably going to be impossible to find. What I don’t understand is…October when I asked if we can spend more time together she acted like she was waiting for me to say this as she said “Yes I really want that”, she also said she has more time for people that matter to her, yet here we are.

     

    I’m going to take off for a while, someday i’ll update what’s been going on. Take care of yourself.

    #299329

    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    What you wrote in your most recent post of a short while ago makes good sense, it is logical and fair. You did tell her how you feel, she expressed a willingness (October was one such time) to make it a closer friendship yet she didn’t follow through. You wanted to be a Priority in her life, as a friend, and it didn’t happen.

    It makes sense that you “try and find people that want the same type of closeness”, as a matter of fact, I don’t remember reading anything more sensible than what I just quoted from your recent post !

    I will be looking for an update from you. Whenever you want to post here, please do, always has been and will be my interest to read from you and reply to you.

    Thank you for and please be good to yourself !!!

    (I will be back to the computer in about 14 hours from now).

    anita

    #299393

    pete
    Participant

    First off I am still sticking to what I said, but I just had the hugest Epiphany of my LIFE! just now  and I needed to share with you. I wont be responding, I need time off to think of what the hell I am going to do now.

     

    When she got her boyfriend I found out about it a month later through my JOB, through people that don’t stay connected to her unless it’s when she visits to buy stuff or the odd facebook message. She told me I am where her man is and a guy she never talks to anymore unless she visits. Who gave her $4,000 to make sure she could take time off and get better? I DID!! who was the only person that wanted to visit her in the hospital? I WAS!!!! who phones her and asks her about her life and wants her to be happy? I DO!!!! who asks to spend more time with her because I like to stay connected and friends get harder to come by when you age? I DO!!!!! Who brought people from her old job (my job) to her other job before this dream job so she can stay connected with them even if it was through them eating there and she serves them?  I DID!!!! I brought people over so they could stay around her in some way instead of fade away. She constantly lies to me with her inviting me or wanting a small group of friends hinting at me or more time for people that matter to her, she said NONE of her friends call her? guess what? I DO!!!! I have tried so hard to be closer to her only to be cut short because she’s “too busy”, using that line is just a nice way of saying I am not a priority to her. I have proven my loyalty through THICK and THIN, I deserve better then this. She still refuses to let me check her place out, yet other people have and she goes and visits their places. When she got her dream job she told me she can’t talk about it but something is happening, then I find out about it from my job again WTF??????

     

    Oh my GODDDD!!!! It all makes sense, I am a JOKE! oh my god….oh my godddddd!!!

    #299395

    pete
    Participant

    More realizations I realize it’s my fault and partly her fault for not setting a boundary. I wanted a close friendship with her SO BAD because my feelings for her felt SO REAL, but they were not real. She just wanted to help, she did not really want a close friendship with me which is why the “too busy” always pops up and why after everything I am still no better then anyone else.  Clearly I am not in the best mindset and it’s probably due to how lonely I am and have abbandonment issues and clung onto her. This Epiphany literally shook me to the CORE, i’ve never felt this before. Just like that, in the POWERFUL thought I just had my feelings for her dropped DRAMATICALLY! I am still shaking from this. But I wanted this friendship with her due to those surreal feelings I had for her, she didn’t but for some reason could not tell me.

    #299431

    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    My goodness, what an epiphany!

    I was never clear as to the communication between the two of you, I didn’t know if you gave her double messages regarding contact with her, if you told her from time to time that you are disappearing from her and that was the reason there was less frequent contact. But if you were clear and persistent about wanting more contact with her, giving her just one message in this regard, your epiphany reads spot on, my goodness, it is a big one.

    It’s been clear to me for a long time that:

    1. You are a good, loving man.

    2. You have been the best friend to her that a friend can be, doing all that you can to help her, having her well being on your mind.

    “I  have proven my loyalty through THICK and THIN, I deserve better than this”- I agree to both parts of this statement.

    I get why this epiphany shook you. You may be still shaking from this. Post anytime you want, I am at the computer for the day.

    anita

     

    #301957

    pete
    Participant

    Hope you’re doing well.

     

    I still talk to her but not as much, asked her if I can text less and call her more and she really did not like that but said to call any time I want and that she will call me next time in a few weeks (wont happen), unplanned is what she wants rather then planned calls. She calls her man everyday he’s gone and they have short conversations. Found my old phone with convos from that 1 summer, man we were close…what happened? I truely miss those days and now that she has a boyfriend I think our closness has come to an end. She knows about the girl I met I will write below and told me she’s happy for me several times. Told her I still find I am being annoying even doing 2 time a month calls but she said I wasn’t, if I was she could always just ignore the call or tell me she’s not wanting to talk, which is true.

     

    As for other things. Decided to try dating apps a go for friends and MAYBE more…scored my first ever date but she had to cancel, so we will reschedule. I asked for her number so we text sometimes. Lots more I been talking to recently including 1 I was REALLY enjoying learning about her and messaging her back and fourth for hours! But I am not her type, she wants a guy that knows what he wants and has a career and stuff, also told me she’s proud of me for my weight loss and I told her I was proud of her for finding her job she loves (hair dresser) and that she finds my determination really attractive, but just stopped messaging me and the next day unmatched me so she was gone, kinda bummed me out she was an interesting person and very attractive like the girl this thread is about (but that’s not why I liked messaging her). Also have others I constantly make them laugh and they call me hilarious. I really need and want to get my life together and learn to have meaninful conversations with women, that would be amazing!

     

    Anyway I will update another time. Perhaps a few months?

    #301965

    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    There is a lot of hit and miss in online dating apps. I am glad you are trying but I know you have to be patient and endure the … number game. Somewhere out there, there is a woman who will like you very much, a woman who you will like and appreciate, a mutual like thing, a  mutual appreciation. But how do you locate that one woman? By making contact with many and persevering.

    Clearly the woman this thread is about, she has a boyfriend and she is not an option. It will be nice if you meet a woman who will be interested in communicating and seeing you as often as you’d like, be there for you, that will be wonderful.

    Do update any time you want to, today, tomorrow, next week.. anytime you feel like it- always good to read from you !

    anita

    #303079

    pete
    Participant

    Hey so that date never happened. She bailed and told me she was so sorry that she never does that but she never slept, had a headache and work got in the way. Then we planned for Wednesday and did not hear from her until later and she was busy again at work saying it’s rarely like this, normally it’s relaxed and that she was sorry. Never messaged her back and she text me if I blocked her? and said Ok. Then I messaged back and said I didn’t but moving on and wished her good luck and that there are no hard feelings. We also tried to talk on the phone early this week on the Monday but I was not feeling up to it, the next day I was but she was busy, same with the day after then she was busy again on Wednesday and the date never happened…again.

     

    As for my friend here, since we talked on the phone last week pretty much every day I just wanna text or call her and tell her I am moving on and that we can’t be friends anymore. I wont tell her why I want to, i’ll just say “Don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter let’s just move on”. I don’t WANT to do this but I feel I HAVE to do this, my feelings feel so toxic inside just thinking about this.

     

    I asked her back in October if we could hang out more, she really did seem like she wanted to with her tone when she said she really wants to aswell and she told me she has more time for people that matter to her now and text me that she wants to stay in touch with me (I guess because I tend to disapear for long stretches but she can pick up the phone or text me too). Why do I not matter? Why did she tell me this if I was not part of it? why does she always lie to me? does it mean she really doesn’t want to be friends? more like casual aquantances? but why call me right away when I tried ending our friendship over text? Back on late December after christmas she said we are always going to be together getting through everything together. I don’t understand. Am I doing the right thing ending things? All I really want is for her to hang out with me more then once every 3 months, I don’t understand how that is so hard unless she really does not want to but I wish she would tell me she doesn’t want to then. Does she not want me around but is too nice to tell me to get lost?

     

    As for what I would say to her…be more like “You know I wish nothing but amazing things to happen to you and for you to always be happy, right? but we can’t be friends anymore”. If she asks why? i’ll say “It doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it let’s just move on. All I want is for you to be happy and healthy. I have to go now, goodbye *her name*”, then I hang up and block her from my phone. Is this the right thing to do? I don’t wanna ghost her, but I don’t want to tell her and blame her and make her feel bad just because I want something different then she does. I am sure she would be shocked for that phone call just going BOOM! She will never know the reasons why I will do this, but things will never be how I want them to no matter how many times I ask and I don’t want to be a casual acquantance, I thought after everything we have been through together, plus the money part as I wanted her to take as much time off and heal herself and being the only “friend” to wanna visit her in the hospital we could have been close and done more together, but it’s just a dream I guess. Like I have said though, is this the right thing to do? I can’t seem to get over her…at times I finally do but always come back and it’s bloody painful and I feel so awful inside. Like I am slowly being poisoned, I am slowly going crazy. I can’t get this crap off my mind, it’s just always there! always lingering around in my head, just drowning me and making me feel worthless. I get up in the morning and the first thing I think about is this and how I am not good enough and knowing if I end things I will have nobody again and all that will remain of us is a distant  memory.

    #303087

    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    I read a good part of your recent post but not all of it because I have to do be away from the computer for the next 14 hours or so and your post requires more time for me to read and reply. It hurt me to read you asking: “why does she always like to me?” because I can feel your pain, asking this question about someone you cared for, for so very long.

    I wish things were different for you, I wish there was a way for you (and me, because I don’t understand either at this point) to know what is going on, what is really happening in her mind and heart, what has been there all along.

    Post again if you want, will be back tomorrow morning to read the above and whatever you may post before I return, and reply then.

    anita

    #303103

    pete
    Participant

    It’s probably all in my head like it normally is. Only asked if we can hang out more that 1 time and she said yes that she really wants that too but that’s when I pretty much dissapeared from existance and we stopped hanging out and the other time asked if we can hike once a month but she could not say yes and hurt my feelings if she could not do it, so maybe a little longer. Also never actually told her to call me first, just to call me any time which she never done unless I want to talk. I planned to ask her if she could call me first sometimes and she was curious what I was planning to ask her, but threw it away and she told me to message her when I remember and tell her what it was.

    #303159

    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    This is what I figure: you like her very much, you really do and she likes you too, she really does. She has a boyfriend and you are not that boyfriend. You wish you were but you’d probably be scared if you were her boyfriend. I don’t know if she was interested or would have been interested in you as a boyfriend (if she didn’t currently have one).

    When you communicate with her you are not clear, you communicate to her contradictory messages. She can’t read your mind, knowing what you mean when you say this or that. She knows some things about you, what you think and feel, but not all. She can’t because you don’t communicate clearly to her.

    In your first post yesterday you wrote: “I just wanna text or call her and tell her I am moving on… I won’t tell her why.. I’ll just say ‘Don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter..’. I don’t WANT to do this..”-

    – you are conflicted and therefore, your communication to her is not clear.

    I don’t know how clearly or not she communicates with you, but clearly the communication between the two of you is .. not clear.

    You are trying to figure out what she is thinking, feeling.. what does wants: “does it mean she really doesn’t want to be friends.. but why call me right away when I tried ending our friendship over text… I don’t understand.”

    Again, the communication between the two of you is not good, not clear. This is why you don’t understand. You can’t read her mind and heart and she can’t read yours. Without words being said out loud clearly, how can you understand, and how can she?

    In your post yesterday, you planned to have this conversation with her:

    You: “You know I wish nothing but amazing things to happen to you.. but we can’t be friends anymore”

    She: “why?”

    You: “It doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it let’s just move on”

    My comment: but it does matter !  And in the above, you are not communicating clearly, not even honestly. It is not honest because, again.. it does matter to you to be friends with her or  not and why either way. So when you say to her “it doesn’t matter” it  communicates that you don’t care either way, which is not the truth.

    In your second post yesterday, you wrote: “It’s probably all in my head like it normally is”- this is my point, you have conversations in your head, not with her !!!

    You wrote that you asked her “if we can hang out more than 1 time and she said yes that she really wants that too but that’s when I pretty much disappeared from existence”- see, contradictory messages on your part: communicating to her on one hand that you want to hang out with her more, and on the other hand, communicating to her that you don’t want to hang out at all, by disappearing.

    I know why you don’t communicate to her clearly- because you are scared, scared to be hurt and you are very sensitive to any sign of rejection on her part, or lack of enthusiasm so you jump the gun and give her an out that she doesn’t want!

    No doubt in my mind, at least, no reasonable doubt in my mind that she truly likes you and has liked you for a long time, maybe as a friend and not a potential boyfriend, I don’t know, but she genuinely likes you. The reason I know this is that if she didn’t genuinely like you, you wouldn’t be feeling this way for her for so long. You can tell when someone really likes you and you were able to tell that she genuinely likes you. This is why you liked her back so much and for so long.

    Well, what do you have to lose by communicating to her clearly.. scary, that is true, that would be scary but no other way to gain clarity and maybe, get a bit more of what you need and want from her.

    I will soon be away from the computer for the next 48 hours or so, be back Monday morning. I will check the computer for the next couple of hours and if you don’t respond by then, I will be back for you Monday morning.

    anita

     

     

    #303215

    pete
    Participant

    I decided I am taking a break. Text her that the hike we were gonna do next week when her family is all gone I will give a rain check because I am going through some shit (which I am) and she messaged back that it was not a silly idea but ok. Also that I will message her in a couple months which means the big hike next month is a no go. But I will float away for a while and do the things I wanna do instead, maybe message her sometime next year.

    #303391

    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    You need a break, so you are taking a break. Post again anytime you want, during or following the break, anytime.

    anita

    #303457

    pete
    Participant

    Welcome back, hope your time away was well rested.

     

    As for taking a break, it’s from the friendship. She text me last night she is close to paying me part of the money she owes me (though she has been saying that since like Jan). She will probably wanna meet somewhere for a coffee or something, I will just tell her to meet me at my work when I am finished and I will grab it and then I will take off home.

    #303471

    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    Thank you for welcoming me back. It was nice to be outdoors, eat by a fire, food cooked on the fire.

    A break from the friendship (not from the friendship and the thread), I understand. It is very tiring to keep hoping and waiting and waiting…  to talk to her next, to get together, so by taking a break, you stop  that hoping-and-waiting for the next call and the next get together. It makes sense to not want to.. keep that distress going,  of the hoping-and-waiting.

    anita

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