Why is it so hard to let go of the memories? like…

Early morning texting.

Phone calls.

Those hangouts.

That closeness.

I really enjoyed texting her early in the morning at around 8-8:45 which I found was the best time to message her because after that she would take a while to get back to me. Now since her man I can message her early and I wont get a message back until night time or even the next day. Phone calls I used to feel really good about them, like our own special time. Now? it’s kinda boring…nothing to talk about and they are 10-15 minutes instead of nearly an hour or 1 hour. I don’t even feel like phoning her if she has things happen, don’t really care anymore because things have changed since that guy and I don’t like how it’s changed. The hangouts…well, lack of them really. Friendship is based off a lot of lies now and “money owed”. That closeness? don’t think we will have that anymore, probably for the best.

I did something bad though. I went and exercised and felt somewhat good and forgot my plan of drifting away and text her for a hike next week that I rain checked a few weeks ago and she messaged back 9 hours later and said she would love to go hiking with me. Can’t ditch out now, i’ve already flaked on several the last few months. I’ll just message her tomorrow for Tuesday.

I don’t enjoy things like I used to NOW because I am tired of how things seemed to have turned against me so quickly which means it’s a weak friendship, I just miss those memories I had…nostalgia. I wish I could feel them, relive them again. Sometimes at work I try and listen carefully for my text message sound to beep for an early morning ding, but it never happens. I went from this 😐 to 😀 right from that ding. I just wish I could just disapear, but I feel if I disapear so will those memories I miss.

I’m not gonna worry about it as she has a boyfriend now and doesn’t need me saying these things, I’ll just enjoy her company and talk about her camping trip she was on and whatever else. My worries are not her worries. I’ll never be open to her even though that’s what she wants.

Eh, I just don’t. Still not heard from the woman, told her to text or call me in a day or 2 back on Friday to get a time on Tuesday, hopefully she does or i’ll just ignore her. Been doing more tinder, a woman that was here for the weekend wanted to hang out but I was working, she’s now flying back home (same province). 🙁  Told her we should stay in touch via text, she told me to add her to whatsapp but I need her number for that and was really bummed out she’s leaving and wont be meeting up due to me workin and she’s never been here before, coulda been her tour guide. Been messaging another one, keep making her blush but she’s also far away. All the girls I like messaging are always so far away! would be much simpler if I had my license.

Yes drivers license.

Alot of BS is happening to me in the last few days though…tinder, non tinder. All women related.

So we just hung out, about 3 hours together. Lots of hiking, none of those feelings came up and it wasn’t awkward, lots of talking. It just felt normal. She is thinking of buying cheap land with her boyfriend (he makes a lot of money and fell in love with that area) in the middle of the province near her dad really soon and her mom is moving back there aswell. So soon she will be gone, she said she would still visit sometimes here and she’s almost done packing up and officially moving into her boyfriends house. Showed her what I wanted to show her, she thought it was cool and she was getting a little emotional because what I did for her and how much she appreciates what I did for her a few years ago and could not have sold her home and been where she’s at now if it wasn’t for me. Had a bite to eat, got some gas and she was talking to her man on the phone for a few minutes and came back in all smiles and happy, they call eachother once a day sometimes more then once a day.

I also got a huge chunk of the money she owed back and said she really does not want money to get in the way between us. We also sang in the car and used my water bottle as a mic and swapped between the 2 of us when it was our turn.

As for the POF stuff…I use POF and Tinder. POF girls never message me back so I gave up on that place. I am just looking for friends and girls to chill with, go on hikes, etc.

Yeah, she stopped and stared at me with huge eyes trying not to get emotional talking about it saying how HUGE this was for her at different times and I am like “You’re welcome, what are friends for? and I had the money to help”, then later said “I just wanted you to get away from work and heal up”. She’s thinking of going to become a massage teacher but needs to travel to Australia for a week, so she’s not sure but I told her go for it you never know. She also said we have never hiked so early in the morning and she liked it. She normally hikes with her man a few times a week but it leads to a lake and they go swimming, but where we went everyone was talking to us and I told her “People talk to you more in the morning here then at night and nobody says anything”. Also talked about getting a license so when she moves I can get on my motorbike and visit her sometimes instead of just her coming here to see me and whoever else.

I’ll do the dating app stuff another time, i’m not like TOO worried about it right now I just want to be more active.

I’m going to let it drift away little by little and even more so when she’s moved at that cheap land she wants to buy near her father.  Maybe later in life when we are much older if I get curious how she’s doing track down her number and see if she wants to talk on the phone? But our texting, calling, hanging out is going to be about her doing it, not me anymore. I need to look for other people now.