Home→Forums→Tough Times→Let her go?
- This topic has 1,011 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 9 months, 2 weeks ago by
anita.
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December 28, 2019 at 10:05 pm #330011
AnonymousInactiveNeeding someone to hang out with, needing someone who wants me around in their life that sort of thing.
Also just needing/wanting me period. But I ain’t gonna do anything to make things weird for them as much as I want things to go back to the way they used to be between us.
December 29, 2019 at 6:49 am #330043AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
I want to go over that phone call you had with her yesterday: you told her that years ago she was your “light in the darkness and a reason for me to keep going”- that’s beautiful, and you told her that you hope “her light shines so bright and leads her in the right direction”, you sure have a way with words, well done. You told her to “not let anyone change who you are, not family/ boyfriend/ friends/ strangers”- excellent advice, a loving input there. You told her to “keep growing as a person and never stop.. and of course to be free”. I don’t know if you had these words written down or you spontaneously said these words, but in either case, what you told her was very valuable, loving, wise and beautiful.
No wonder her reaction was “fighting back the tears”!
And no wonder she thought the call was too short. And she was correct when she told you that you are “such a good friend”. When you told her how many days a week she works in her city, she noticed that “you’ve been paying attention”. She likes your attention to her.
After describing the call yesterday, you wrote: “I FAILED!!!”- to go no contact with her once again, but you succeeded in being a good friend to her, a loving, attentive friend, something she appreciates very much.
In your second post last night, you suggested that yes, you are people-who-need-people (what I wrote to you), but you need “to hang out with” “someone who wants me around in their life”- good qualification. You need to spend time with her more often. And you don’t want to chase her or pressure her to spend time with you, you want her to want to spend time with you. You want her to need and want you (“just needing/ wanting me period”).
This morning I see something more clearly than ever before: how it is more important to you that she wants to spend time with you than it is that she spends time with you. You would prefer that she doesn’t spend time with you than if she spent time with you feeling pressured to do so, not really wanting to. It fits with how important it is to you that she will be free. Free to spend time with you or not.
How are you feeling about this call today?
anita
December 29, 2019 at 2:01 pm #330125AnonymousInactiveThe call did nothing for me, no feelings to talk about but it could be because of my depression. I typed what I wanted to say in notepad and said “Before you go can I read something I wrote for you?”, she said “Sure”, then I said “You know me, when I wanna talk about something my mind goes blank so I gotta write it down”, after that I just said what I wrote down, not word for word but off the top of my head so it did not sound like I was reading something.
As for my “way of words”, I just say what goes on in my head. I think she said the call was way too short was because she was taking a break from helping build small yurt I told you they are making. This will also be the first time she’s ever been out of the country and she’s really excited. IF I decided to call her and we talk about her 2 trips i’ll try asking for a coffee just down the street, if she says no maybe I wont say goodbye, i’ll just block her.
December 29, 2019 at 4:40 pm #330151AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Well, what goes in your head then is pretty deep and loving and beautiful. I don’t remember her building a yurt, to live with her boyfriend, and a small yurt? This is very small living quarters, if they survive a yurt for a few months, they may make it lifetime, I am thinking/ guessing.
If you suggest to have coffee with her early next year, February, and she doesn’t do her part in making it happen, then I agree, you should block her. But it doesn’t fit: her getting emotional when on the phone with you and then not caring to have coffee with you.
I wish there was a way to fast forward to February, so that you don’t have to wait that long to see if she does coffee with you or not.
anita
December 29, 2019 at 4:40 pm #330153AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Well, what goes in your head then is pretty deep and loving and beautiful. I don’t remember her building a yurt, to live with her boyfriend, and a small yurt? This is very small living quarters, if they survive a yurt for a few months, they may make it lifetime, I am thinking/ guessing.
If you suggest to have coffee with her early next year, February, and she doesn’t do her part in making it happen, then I agree, you should block her. But it doesn’t fit: her getting emotional when on the phone with you and then not caring to have coffee with you.
I wish there was a way to fast forward to February, so that you don’t have to wait that long to see if she does coffee with you or not.
anita
December 31, 2019 at 9:09 am #330459AnonymousGuestHappy New Year, blkhwkdwn1 !
anita
December 31, 2019 at 9:42 pm #330555AnonymousInactiveHappy new year, hope 2020 is an awesome year for you. I’ll tell you what happens in Feb.
January 1, 2020 at 8:08 am #330607AnonymousGuestThank you, blkhwkdwn1. And tell me what happens anytime you want to tell me, I want to know.
anita
January 2, 2020 at 7:56 am #330705
MissyParticipantPete –
I am not good with relationships and like you.. I have never had such love as I do for a man I have met who lives in a different country. We talk all the time and hopefully soon we will meet in person.. I worry that I am not meant for him. How do you not run the other way? I am the type of person who will run the other way if I feel I will get hurt..
I read that you felt suicidal.. I hope you know that life is incredibly short as it is and I hope you find your purpose of being here on Earth knowing you are much needed here..
January 3, 2020 at 12:19 pm #330957AnonymousInactiveHey Missy, I hope you meet up soon and the chemistry is undeniable and you both have a great journey together. 🙂
As for the running away part. I just decide I rather stick around unless I am forced with no other choice, like her keep telling me she’s busy and we never meet up but she still meets up with her friends and neighbour without question. I wont have no regrets, I regret sticking around where I am constantly getting mixed signals and it’s pretty obvious her man does not want her near me because she never makes time for me anymore unlike her other friends and she has pushed away the friendship over time but she STILL says yes to talking on the phone and has only said no a few times (sad and family visiting), but sometimes I get hopeful but not nearly as much as I used to. I will get hurt but ahwell, I rather experience something amazing rather then not experience anything at all so the pain is worth it.
Still feeling suicidal, just not as much as I used to and I rather not talk to people about those thoughts. My mind goes deep and into the trenches.
January 3, 2020 at 3:10 pm #330973AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
I hope your sadness lessens. It does lessen, doesn’t it.. it does for all of us. When I feel badly, I say to myself: I will feel better later, and I am right every time. It so happens that I do feel better sooner or later. Post again anytime you want to. I am here to read from you every time you post.
anita
January 4, 2020 at 7:19 pm #331143MissyParticipantPete –
I tend to run when I feel I am not wanted.. I think it is my pride? I would rather give my energy to someone who wants to be around me. I feel that when you want to be with someone.. It should be a mutual experience. Where the person is somewhat equal to what I want…
Do you put yourself in a situation where you can meet new people? To maybe find someone that is able to give you the time and attention that you seek?
I am sorry that you invested feelings and feel hurt.. I try to not use the word deserve…. But I do feel you deserve to have someone who you can count on.
Have you thought about having a life coach?
I have worked with a life coach and it has done wonders for me. If you are at all interested. I would be happy to give you the name of my life coach. He has done wonders for me when I was against any kind of therapy.. Just a suggestion… He works with people all over the world. I have done Skype with him for my sessions and I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for him. I know talking to people online can be beneficial.. But I was able to connect with issues within my soul that I had no idea I struggled with…
January 6, 2020 at 7:23 pm #331759AnonymousInactiveThanks Anita.
I’m not into life coaches, the friend of mine this thread is about gave me a free sit in with 1 a year ago and it was boring and not my kinda thing. I need to try a float tank 1 day and see if that type of therapy is for me instead. I don’t meet new people unless it’s at my job which makes me talk a LOT, I just play video games and try and forget. I did use tinder and bumble before, but kept getting flaked and CBA for people like that. I get big anxiety so meeting new people feels like a no go to me.
January 7, 2020 at 8:01 am #331825AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, blkhwkdwn1.
anita
February 3, 2020 at 12:10 am #336378AnonymousInactiveNot much has happened but we are meeting up for a coffee today (Monday), i’ll meet her at her work down the road from me and walk her to a cafe down the road. Just talked to her on the phone for a minute to confirm.
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