Dear blkhwkdwn1:

You read refreshingly reasonable and sensible, balanced and fair, I am impressed. I think she will understand. It is interesting how I never met her, or communicated with her, and yet I feel like I know her, and like her, like you do.

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

I am glad she responded. It is like her to say: let’s just rewind to before.. Remember next time you feel the urge to cut contact with her, remember that you regret it every time you do, so resist the urge. Post here to vent instead of sending her goodbye messages, will you?

She is “feeling sensitive right now”- maybe it is about the virus, lots of people are sensitive, even I got .. sensitive aka scared today and shared about it here, online.

She knows that she is special in your heart, and I believe that you have a special place in her  heart.

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

I am truly impressed by you, for seeing the bigger picture regarding the current scare, seeing that fear was here all along, “you already know what my fear is by this thread after all these years”- exactly. People forget that they were afraid before December last year, or before the beginning of this year. Life was not super before and terrible after. Seeing the bigger picture helps realize that all along we never had tomorrow guaranteed, the only time we ever had was Now, today, and maybe tomorrow. And just as we survived the fear/ anxiety all these years before, we can survive it this year. Let’s use the practice we have from past experience, instead of forgetting that we were afraid before. And when this scare is over, there will be others, personal if not collective.

Post again anytime you want to post, as long as it helps, and it may help you vent, express, when you do feel stressed, and I will always reply to you.

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

When she did spend time with you, when she does, it is special for her as well as for you. Why doesn’t she want more of it? I don’t know. But it is possible for a person to care for another a lot and yet prefer not to spend time with that person. I know this from personal experience, that it is possible to have excellent quality time with a person and to prefer to not have that quality time rarely.

Does this make any sense to you? I can’t explain it very well at the moment. Maybe I will be able to explain it better tomorrow morning.

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

Maybe I will make more sense tomorrow, when I am back to your thread, in about 12 hours. I will read all of your recent post and reply when I am back. Please try to relax and sleep well, I so do want you to have a restful night.

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

Have patience with this post, I will bring up a few things:

1. You wrote yesterday regarding friendship: “It’s SO tiring doing everything yourself wishing things would change but they never will you’re the only one that cares enough about it. I can’t change this perspective of mine” – this was your perspective/ life experience before you met her- it is the story of your love for any or both of your parents, a love that was unrequited. This is an early life experience that gets activated in the context of this woman your thread is about.

2. You wrote yesterday, March 17, 2020: “It’s why I can’t meet her boyfriend, I will feel SO angry because everything we had been through all those years was washed away the moment they met each other like never existed, like I never existed”-

– reads as if you were satisfied with your friendship with her before her boyfriend came into her life, and that he took away from you that satisfactory friendship. But in Sept 19, 2016, you were already unsatisfied with the friendship, and that was about 3 weeks into the friendship,  long, long before her boyfriend entered her life: “we used to text each other every day, now it’s once a week so maybe she was only there for me because this issue then it’s back to not talking or something, so maybe there is no friendship there”, and 11 days later, Sept 30, 2016, you wrote: “I definitely don’t feel close to her at all anymore, and she only gives me short 1 liners now in texts.. I really don’t feel any type of friendship anymore.. today I woke up depressed because I realized that our communication is pretty much dying.. it went from texting me 2 times a day.. then it was once a day, then it went once every few days, now it’s once a week”-

So you see, you’ve been upset about her not contacting you enough, and the friendship being one sided and inadequate since the first month of the friendship, nothing to do with the boyfriend she was to have years later! 

3. From the very beginning of the friendship you felt unworthy of her and you were sure that she will never want you as more than a friend, Sept 18, 2016: “I have started a friendship with her for the past month.. I know I’ll never be anything more than just a friend even though I’ve never asked her and I’ll never ask her because I will never feel worthy of her.. she deserves someone better than me in her life”- problem is the heart wants what the heart wants, and you kept wanting what you decided to never ask for.

4. You doubted the friendship and you doubted her being your friend from the very beginning, Sept 19, 2016: “maybe she was only there for me because this issue then it’s back to not talking or something, so maybe there really is  no friendship there”.

5. Early on in the friendship, within the first few weeks, a pattern was established: you get depressed and angry that she doesn’t contact you enough and that she is not available and willing to spend more time with you; next, you then send her a goodbye message and block her/ disappear, next, you renew contact with her, next you get angry that she doesn’t contact you enough and on and on and on, almost four years going, Sept 19, 2016: “I’ve disappeared from social media since last night, deactivated my facebook”, Sept 30, 2016: “I definitely don’t feel close to her at all anymore.. My feelings have been really slowing down day by day for some reason and I really don’t feel any type of friendship anymore.. I woke up depressed.. ”

6. I believe that she genuinely liked you and felt closeness with you since Sept 2016 during the times that she met you and on the phone, the times you described to me. But just like you didn’t always feel close to her (including the time you met her for  coffee and you were sitting there nervous the whole time), she didn’t always feel closeness to you. It is possible that she entertained thoughts of being more than friends at one time or another (the time she put on the makeup before a hike with you), but she realized early, that it is very unlikely because you were never open to the idea of being more than friends with her.

7. You are not honest with her about your feelings. You tell her on one hand that you are happy for her for having a boyfriend, and on the other hand you hate him. When you are angry at her, you don’t tell her that, but instead you block her.

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

I need to be more focused to read your recent post. I will read and reply tomorrow morning, in about 15 hours from now. Feel free to add anything you want to add before I return.

anita