This cycle stop affecting me once I decided I don’t want to stay the same, once I realized what I really wanted was change, for myself, for my family, for everything around me. I stopped thinking and started acting, I set out to do things that made me happy, with confidence in myself and what I CAN become, not what I COULD become. I changed the way I saw things, I took control of my life by standing alongside my mind, my body, my soul. The cycle stopped affecting me once I saw it as a straight line that I can direct, because our lives aren’t cycles, and they never will be.

I’ll definitely keep posting, what you said was very valuable, to remember that it was inflicted on you. Remembering how my childhood I see how that still affects me again even though I came out on top before, by having confidence in myself and fearing nothing. But this time around, my mind was turned against me, and sure enough the idea that I did something bad and the only way to fix it was dwell into my psyche, but really it was not a matter of morality or beliefs, it was anger consuming me and making me oblivious to what I was putting myself through, because I believe in myself to the point where I believed I could function on will power, confidence, H channeling my anger positively. That’s where I messed up, and it hurt, because I believed that the wrongs that happen to you are something you must know, but really, even things like that aren’t always something you’ll know clearly, thankfully I do, thankfully my life is something that I can coordinate, thankfully my mistakes are something I can bounce back from, thankfully I never lost faith that things will better, not today, not tomorrow, not next week, but I’ll never stop trying to make things better.
That song you listened to, Illusions, I think I understand what the man is saying. About “you,” that you don’t exist, but you do exist, which revolves around the theme of duality, that “you” don’t give approval to breathe, to think, for your heart to beat, that is not in your control. That doesn’t mean you are controlled by those things, because control is dominance, and your body, your mind, your soul, don’t control each other, they work together, you are you’re own union, the holy trinity. You can’t control or take control, only work together, and care for each aspect that makes you, you. So no, “you” don’t exist, just you.

Anxiety
How badly could have it affected it me, was it my reaction to it that made it feel worse, or was it so bad my thoughts, my perception, my confidence, my entity was falling apart. The thoughts kept recurring and I fought them back, I confused them for something infernal, I searched inside myself to find what was wrong, and kept searching, for nothing I believed inside my character, my entity, me. Anxiety is not apart of me, it doesn’t make me who I am, it affects me but it isn’t who I am as an individual. It wasn’t a matter of just thinking, or re thinking something, or me doubting myself out of rationality, it was out of anxiety. Something I made worse out of overtraining. I guess I had too much drive, I didn’t pay mind to what was happening, to who I really am, not what I can do pushed to my limits every week. I don’t blame myself, I guess it always has been me, even when it wasn’t, I got used to hearing that. I’m afraid. Ill always get afraid, fearing nothing is admitting you fear something. My fear is not to lose control, I never had it, not over my body, my mind, or my soul, they still make me who I am, but they are things that make me, me. Allowing me to tap into their abilities, yet I’m still in control of what I can manipulate, so in the end I am in control, but not enough to say I’m in control of everything, because everything is everything, I can handle being in control of what was never mine to control. Control is giving permission, and my mind, my body, my soul, are free. My fear is not control, my fear is to lose everything I’ve worked for in a blink of an eye, to something that I don’t even know, or understand, at least know.

In a black and white world, each one of us is gray. In a web of mishaps, how can you untangle it without your conscious abilities, without the perspective that suits you? How can you fro anything when you feel lost, wrong, worried, and afraid? That is what scared me, sure Anxiety manifestated itself in ways I couldn’t not comprehend, we fear what we don’t understand, what we don’t know, and just imagine turning from a strong understanding of your entity and life to doubting your entirety has a human being and questioning every aspects of life?
Death is inevetiable, so is life, I’m not afraid of dying, as I understand it’s apart of life. What I meant when I said fearing losing everything is this, when you build a tower, it doesn’t crumble and fall quickly, it takes time for it to tumble. So when I underwent what I did I didn’t know what to believe, because so didn’t know what to think, because I lost faith in myself as I battled thoughts, and I believed those thoughts meant something in my morals, actions, beliefs, were wrong, I slowly sunk back to that sad little kid I once was.
Death is invetiable, but your fall and how you fall is not, so it’s either you or something else, your fall is not invetiable because you’re fate is in your hands. We all make mistakes, but when you don’t know what you did wrong, masked behind something so destructive as anxiety, how can you rise?
Everything can be solved, I just made the mistake of letting my ego get in the way, not in a hot headed way, I was just too proud of myself, which blinded me to the things I see now.

I was showering and I was thinking about these past months, getting my ducks in a row. Anxiety originated from my family, manifested itself through physical, mental, and emotional suffering. It spun out of control when I decided to ride my bike 4 miles to and from the gym daily, eat less because I didn’t want to ask for what I needed, and rest less when I decided to stay up late playing online with friends. It spun out of control when I decided to strain my body out of overconfidence, fueled by motivation, maintained through anger and willpower.
I wondered what I did back then, not scrambling to find out of irrational catastrophe or to look deeper than I need to, I wondered what I did and I remembered. It wasn’t what I told myself, it was what I did because of what I was told, what I heard, through sounds and vibrations, through words, through art. I realized how things weren’t looking good for me, and I decided to change myself rather than what’s around me. I decided that my main drive wasn’t to lose weight or graduate, it was to follow a path to change my life.
My journey was the destination.

It’s ok, sometimes I don’t understand too. But what I still understand is that it’s all been a big trick, I used to think I had anxiety, but really my environment made me anxious more often, fearing things will turn out violent and I would have to step in. I blame myself for putting myself in this position, but I don’t blame myself for how I approached things, inward and felt like things were greater than or rather than anxiety. These past months I felt how anxiety really feels, and the only thing I have left to say is this. There is never going to be a magic bullet, furthermore, I must not search for one. I must get through my issues head on and be able to understand how, nor by luck or chance, through my own analytical thinking and will.
“But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward.”
Thanks for the help Anita.