I think my fear revolved around me being afraid of being wrong, and that one thing would mean another, something worse, and would cause a catalysymic fall. If you’d like I have many notes that I wrote daily when anxiety was destroying my sanity. I felt those things so I resorted to reading more and more about it, it felt as though I went through OCD, GAD, Social and Health anxiety. I came to grips with how I felt and told myself so what, I notice my blinks but that doesn’t mean I’m controlling them. I would fear that I was controlling these normal body functions, and it scared me to think that something conscious as me exterting control was something I was doing consciously, or confusing discomfort, etc. I’ve done a lot to relieve the feelings and thoughts, mainly through acceptance, but I feel I’m at the point where I can rid it entirely.
Maybe the fear had a message behind it, but it was not what anxiety led me to think or believe.

What I have come to find out is this.
Overtraining caused an increase in anxiety, after reading Anita’s post about there being a message, sure enough I felt anxious thinking that, so I knew something was unsettled inside me. I am afraid of being wrong as a good person, and the wrong people being right, this goes back to battling my thoughts. It was always me defending myself, but my family’s words would haunt me, leaving me to feel devastated, I understand the increased anxiety tricked me to believing that I was wrong, and that there shouldn’t be any room for doubt. Anxiety made me react differently, when thoughts like that would arise I would quickly shut them down due to their falsehood, and carry on. Anxiety has a way to make you turn inward, and claw away at your very being until there is nothing left, when in reality, it was mothing inward that is the answer. I believe anxiety is what makes a mountain out of a molehill, these fears are irrational, but anxiety keeps you mentally imprisoned, catastrophizing small situations, destroying who you are until you become someone else.

I know this because I sat down and asked what scared me. Blinking? No, what scares me is that I’m blinking uncontrollably without conscious effort, and what’s even scarier is that I know these things are effortless, tapping into your bodies abilities without thought or fear. But the truth is, my eyes are excessively blinking due to a need for glasses, due to eye strain, astigmatism, etc. I remember trying to interfere out of fear, that I’m doing it, because anxiety makes it internal. But there’s one thing to always remember, if it’s internal, you have to the power to change it. If there’s a great lesson I learned was we are not in control, we are a unity, each individual person, mind, body, and soul. I pray for the day everyone in this world will unify, but with the control I do have, I won’t stop trying to make a difference, to make dreams come true and follow my intuition.

I remember what you told me, how you saw the mans saying about thinking, about control. How it’s not you when Anxiety, Depression affect you, yet it’s still apart of you. I remembered this reading an intro to a book written by Eckhart Tolle. I understood what he meant, how externally you can be affected, changed into this person you’re not, manipulated into believing what is false, causing havoc internally when really, your sense or right and wrong, real and fake, dreams and nightmares, are not what changed, what you perceive as such is what changes. and it isn’t your fault, to live a lie unintentionally.
It doesn’t change you.
Here’s the two things I read that really affected me, and I do feel relieved, closer to feeling free, once again.

Follow the Intelligent Path from Anxiety to Peace

https://genius.com/Eckhart-tolle-introduction-lyrics

I felt wise, I feel broken, I have transformed to the worst me.
It all started when I thought to myself how these thoughts can’t be mine, but was to fearful to even consider that it is not me, because that lead to more anxiety. “Am I a Schizophrenic, Do I have a Personality disorder?” Reliance on Logic and Emotions become non existent, not knowing what to think when rationality settles in but Anxiety dumps more and more thoughts, until it arrives to the point an entirely new perspective is born. Maybe what I have to unlearn that this is me, when this is nothing like me, because if it was, it wouldn’t be new.
It isn’t new, being put down and unsupported throughout life living in the environment I did coinciding with low self esteem and lack of confidence made me self deprecative as an adolescent. It isn’t new becoming the worst me, being spoon fed lies and fear until it manifests itself in my very own live.
I disagree with needing to unlearn first, because it all begins with learning more internally or externally. Maintaining physical health helps diminish the emotional blockade, learning and knowledge re establishes the logical connection with reality.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Adrian Gallardo.

I don’t think as much as I did, I dont need to, I faced through the thoughts the made me feel that way, without fighting them, and sure enough they stopped coming, they had no power. Being present and living in the heart and rather than the mind is exactly where I was before all this begun. Medication may work but it will never unravel the issue if it affects the way I think, what I think about, etc. Anxiety doesn’t feel present anymore, but I still returned to the thoughts I had prior to unravel the truth, and it all makes sense again. It was intense, Id be dreadful to even think what I just typed months ago, but I feel fine. The truth sets you free, once you’re in a state of mind able to separate truth from lies, regaining what was lost.
My mistake was feeling like overcoming the darkness meant it is non existent any longer, but really, your light shines bright enough to make the darkness obsolete, irrelevant. I learned that the darkness never leaves, and it hurt me to be back where I worked hard to leave and put behind me. The darkness never leaves, your demons can be beaten, others still lurk, admitting fear, accepting fear, failure and losses, is what makes us human, connects us to this world, connects us to one another, builds the bridge between you and everything else this infinite world has to offer.
“This life will drive you crazy.”
Only if you allow it, that’s only if youre a coward and you’re sure to get devoured.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Adrian Gallardo.

– Environmental
– Genetic
– Behavioral

– This began during the summer, I was pushing myself to the limits, and facing issues with family. Both did not mix and well and took a toll on my health, both mental and physical. Whether it began mentally or physically is something I don’t remember, but I remember the first thing I remember clearly facing was doubt, this is where I felt the overwhelming doubt. I battled these thoughts, until I reached the brink of this earth, is rationality even real? Is right wrong? This continued until I stopped battling these thoughts, but the feeling lasted, my mind went haywire, my thoughts were racing, and I did not know what was happening to me, is it me? As this continued, it bled into the physical, feeling like I had no control and fearing the things that SEEMED like I had no control over added onto that anxiety, and mistakingly, I tried to hard to use my mind to unravel things, but as things got better, as I researched these symptoms, feelings, thoughts, etc. I realized that if mere thoughts or using the power of my mind would not solve things, than it is not something with me, not in my morals, principles, ideas, beliefs, etc. I let these thoughts come and go, wrote them down, and allowed myself to topple down, rather than uphold a broken building. I blamed myself, but as I heard before and more likely believe now, it is not my fault, just the very thing that it was Anxiety that increased and prolonged within me shows that it has a message behind it. My family planted a seed of doubt within me, with their accusations of character, disbelief, etc. Surely enough, it blossomed inside me, manifesting itself in my mind as them in my most anxious times, and living on inside me through my own voice, believing and listening. But one day I heard myself calmly say, it is me.
– None of this is my fault it is what was brought onto me, after years and years of environmental stress, behavioral habits, and genetically inclined to fall trap to something like Anxiety or Depression, I was being set up for failure. None of this is my fault, but as I step away from common and general knowledge, regardless if it makes me in some way, I know staying mentally shackled will be my fault, if I don’t get up and do something nothing will change.

– This all happened before, the answer is the same, but the search to find it was completely different. Whatever path you take, there is always going to be failures and successes, the possibilities are endless, and it’s always possible to doubt everything, counter everything, it doesn’t make it any more than a possibility, more so pointless. It’s not about living without, it’s about rising above.