I once had a coworker with whom there was a mutual attraction with. However I’m married, we can’t be together. We tried the friendship but it was just too messy and I cut off contact. Although I still work for the same organization, a promotion had taken me away from the place we worked together. This was months ago but my feelings are still there. I really believe that if the circumstances were different he and I could have built a life together.

During those months I have really dug into mindfulness and have found that it has been changing my life.

Last night (or rather early this morning) he messaged me, complimenting me on a new profile pic I had put up. I read that and of course all the butterflies and excitement and happiness came flooding back. So did the memories and all the thoughts of what I would like to happen.

I decided to use my main go to coping skill: working out. Normally my brain would be highjacked by a million different storylines and I would just be along for the ride. Then I would absolutely hate myself for getting caught up in those storylines and forbid myself to have those thoughts again. Inevitably my ability to suppress my thoughts would weaken and again I would be taken on a mental journey which I felt like I had no control over. Around and around I’d go, ending up in a spiral of self hatred.

Instead, as I was running, I decided to narrate everything that was coming up for me in that moment, to feel and identify the emotions and experience where those emotions are in my body. I peeled back the layers until something struck me. I was in pain. The flood of thoughts and feelings stopped. I physically stopped. I decided I needed to sit with this and mindfully explore this. I let myself list all the things about this situation that were painful and instead of treating myself as the enemy, I was compassionate to myself. Missing someone I care about doesn’t make me awful. Feeling flattered when someone else thinks I’m attractive doesn’t mean I deserve to be thrown in the pits of hell. It is human nature to want things you can’t have.

However I also know my intention is to keep my marriage happy and healthy. I need to continue to make choices towards that intention. But beating myself up is sucking me deeper into a pit that I don’t want to be in. Once I gave myself the permission to grieve the loss of this friend and what could have been, a funny thing happened. I felt like I’d be able to let go. Not force my feelings away, but begin to let it go. It’s funny how the thing I denied myself up until now, the thing that I thought I would only make it worse, is the thing that is giving me peace and hope that my marriage, and my heart, will be just fine.