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My cousin tells me I need a nose job all the time

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
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  • November 12, 2018 at 9:35 am #236517
    Katie
    Participant

    My cousin tells me I need a nose job almost any time my looks come up in conversation. She will say “you are so pretty, except for your nose. You’d look soo good with a nose job!” It’s so hurtful. I can honestly say that my nose is not bad in any way. I’d understand if she said this to me and my nose was HUGE but it is normal sized. In fact, many of my friends (who I ask) say my nose is better looking than hers as her tip is pointed slightly downward while my tip is pointed slightly upward. I do have some problems with my nose, for example, my nose bridge/dorsum is a little bit wider than I’d like, but still, it is thin enough that it still looks attractive. And my nose has a slight bump (that is barely noticeable). Besides these small things, I am happy with my nose. When I look in the mirror I think my nose is a part of what makes me look pretty. It isn’t perfect but it really complements my face well!

    Last night my cousin sent me an edited picture of my nose. She edited it horribly and I honestly looked like Michael Jackson (and he had multiple surgeries on his nose, many people would agree that his nose job does not look natural in any way)

    My nose looked like one that plastic surgery addicts would have, honestly. Yet she kept pushing the idea on to me that that version of my nose is what a NORMAL nose looks like, while my real nose is just extremely bulbous. I wish I could insert a picture of my nose because I believe most people would agree that it is fine. And I am somebody who is extremely critical of my looks. I am constantly trying to do something to make myself look better and I am very critical of my features… so yes I know my nose isn’t “perfect” but it looks pretty good in my opinion! I really like my shape!

    After I told her that her edited version of my nose looked way too fake, she undid some of her changes/made some changes less dramatic. This version was so much better looking to me because it looked way more natural. I actually liked this version, and if I ever did get a nose job, this is probably what I’d go for. A subtle, soft change. I didn’t look like a weird plastic surgery addict in this one. Yet she said, “it doesn’t look good like this, it still needs work, in my opinion, no offense. The tip and width of your nose is still too big”

    I am just really hurt by this. I keep explaining to myself that she is wrong, and I do believe she is being way too out of line. I don’t think her opinion is what the majority of people would think, but what if it is? What if most people agree with her? What if my nose is too big and I am just blind to it? It is almost as if she has body dysmorphia… but of MY body. I feel like a doctor would NEVER agree to give me the nose that she believes I need. I looked in the mirror this morning and thought to myself, “she doesn’t know what she is talking about because my nose looks good!” but I still second guess myself and think that maybe she is right.

     

     

    November 13, 2018 at 9:15 am #236703
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    We all get focused on this or that detail that does not deserve all that focus. As you look in the mirror and look at your nose, while seeing your cousin (in your mind’s eye) criticizing your nose, seeing her nose in comparison, look up to that area between your ears. There are millions of neurons and neuropathways. You can see way  more than your nose, your cousin’s nose and her opinion of your nose with all those neurons and pathways.

    You are not unique in this kind of focus, I too focus too often on this or that. It is difficult to extend the vision and see more when focused on a singular thing. But it will make you feel much better if you do.

    anita

     

    November 14, 2018 at 8:13 am #236835
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    There are several options here.

    1. Carry the “NO” button from Staples. Whenever she mentions your nose, press the button: “NO!” I actually did this with my mother one Thanksgiving when she started harping on half the family’s weight. She never did it again after a few of those!! An airhorn works as well.

    2. Say, “Are you OK?” She’ll immediately get defensive, but if you make it like you’re legitimately worried about her fixation on noses and she sees you whispering to others about it and everyone’s suddenly concerned she’ll knock it off.

    3. For every nose comment take a dozen selfies (and even three-quarter and side shots!) and post them all over your social media. When everyone says how gorgeous you are she’ll eventually feel ridiculous.

    4. Don’t answer the phone when she calls, don’t respond to her texts and avoid her when you can. When she starts talking noses leave the room to go to the bathroom or for the proverbial pack of cigarettes. Don’t come back.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    November 16, 2018 at 1:52 pm #238085
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita and Inky,

    Thank you guys

    November 17, 2018 at 6:12 am #238157
    Lara
    Participant

    Dear Katie,

    your cousins behavior strikes me as very strange. How is your nose her business? Does she want to become a surgeon one day?Basically she tells you that you are not good enough again and again. Not a nice person to have contact with, is she? How is your relationship with her otherwise, do you talk/ meet often? Did you ask her to stop talking / obsessing about your nose? How did she react?

    Also some weeks ago there was a thread here about nose jobs gone wrong. I am not pro/against beauty surgery, its allways the individual that decides. But this is an example of how things can go badly, I am sure lightsource won’t mind that I share the link here. https://tinybuddha.com/topic/nose-surgery/

    May 29, 2019 at 12:47 pm #296275
    Katie
    Participant

    Dear Lara,

    Sorry for the late reply, but I returned back to this post because of the pain my cousin’s words have caused me. I developed low self esteem and felt as though I had developed body dysmorphia because of my cousin’s words. I started believing that my nose was so big and that I could not see how big it truly was. I’m not sure why my nose is my cousin’s business. She is not interested in becoming a surgeon at all. Looking back, she may just have been jealous or envious of me. I hate to accuse someone of being jealous of me but it is the only logical answer to this question. People tell me I am good looking all the time. I can look in a mirror and see that I am not ugly. My self esteem has risen since I distanced myself from her. I can see now that my nose is NOT big. I started researching the golden ratio and the proper proportions of a face. This research has helped me to understand that I do, in fact, have a normal sized nose. Of course, it is not perfect. It’s not a cute button nose, but it’s far from a bulbous one. I think my nose is the perfect shape, actually. Yes, it could be made slightlyyyy smaller with surgery if I wanted, but my nose is small enough. It’s not too big and not too small. It’s average sized. My cousin has told me I am not good enough for almost my entire life. She has held me back in many ways. She is not happy for me when good things happen in my life. She never compliments me. I never told her to stop obsessing with my nose because I don’t want her to know how much her words have hurt me. I do not trust her with my emotions at all.

     

    A side note: my cousin photoshops a lot of the pictures of her self that she posts on social media. I noticed that she photoshops her nose to be very unflattering for her face. She makes her nose way too thin to the point that it doesn’t look good. I used to not be able to trust my judgement. I thought, “well maybe I just have a warped judgement and I do not know what a good nose looks like.” Now I trust my judgement and can see that my cousin’s opinion of my nose is not an opinion to listen to.

    June 1, 2019 at 5:38 am #296713
    Lara
    Participant

    Dear Katie,

    good for you to distance yourself from your cousin then! She doesn’t sound like a good influence. There is so much out there to experience, I hope you can focus more on that. I wish you all the best!

    June 1, 2019 at 9:01 pm #296933
    Marlena
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    I’m glad you are starting to see the issue as your cousin’s issue instead of your own.  When it comes down to it, it is pretty weird that she is focused on your nose.  She has very poor boundaries and is not thinking about your feelings at all.  Most people know that it is not ok to hyper-focus on and point out someone’s flaws all the time.

    People usually have a hard time with it actually!  When people ask for feedback about something, it can be hard to give real feedback if it may be perceived as negative.  A friend was once a maid of honor in someone’s wedding and the bride was super excited about her table decorations, which my friend thought were ugly as heck.  Well, when asked, my friend did not say “those are ugly as heck.”  That would not have been useful at all.

    Your cousin’s issue with your nose is about her, not you.  Whether it is jealousy, or a need to be mean…whatever it is…it is about her.  Have you told her that talking about your nose is off limits?  Maybe you should make that a rule in your relationship.  If she wants to spend time with you, she is not allowed to talk about your nose (or send you nose pictures or stare at your nose or anything like that).

    If she continues to do it, then she may not be someone you want to continue to spend any time with.  When people violate boundaries like this it never feels good…

    Marlena

     

    June 2, 2019 at 12:57 am #296953
    Katie
    Participant

    Marlena,

    thank you for the advice. I thought about confronting her about it, but I am scared. I feel like her response will be “I’m honest sorry if you don’t like it” or something like that. I feel like I will end up hurt if I bring it up again. I’m not sure what to do.

    June 2, 2019 at 8:54 am #297017
    Marlena
    Participant

    I think best bet then is to remind yourself that it is about her, not you.  And how sad for her that she needs to do that.  I imagine she is wrecking a bunch of her relationships.

    (It might help to write this on a piece of paper you keep with you that you can pull out to remind yourself on those days when it is real bad).

     

     

    July 1, 2019 at 3:33 am #301565
    Nairobi
    Participant

    Dear Katie,

    Why ever would you be scared to tell someone who is hurting you to stop? Telling your cousing to stop hurting you does not necessarily mean the end of your relationship (unless you want it to). As many of the comments above say, this is not about you, your body or your insecurities; this is about your cousing and her own issues, which she has apparently decided to extrapolate to you.

    The way I see it, it is necessary for you to have this conversation. It’s not simply okay to “let it go”, because this has been an issue that has lasted too long to be ignored. I don’t know how old you are, but life gets to a point, where you realise that you do come first. That your feelings are what should matter to you and what you should be protecting. Continuing to let your cousin bully you is neither good for you, nor her, and honestly, she needs to hear that. I do not think that you should feel bad about sitting down with your cousin and telling her you’re no longer confortable with her comments. If her reaction scares you, then that’s yet another sign that whatever relationship you have with her is indeed toxic.

    Life is hard Katie, it gets harder and harder. Why force yourself to be surrounded by people who make it even worse?

    July 1, 2019 at 2:33 pm #301663
    Katie
    Participant

    Nairobi,

    For some reason, no matter how much I say it’s not my fault, I feel like it is. I feel like my nose is big. One day I think it’s not and the next day I think it is. I think my fear of telling her to stop comes from my fear of her being right. What if she isn’t the only one who thinks my nose is big? What if everyone else sees it, but she is the only one who is honest enough to tell me? My boyfriend swears my nose isn’t big… but he would lie to spare my feelings. Deep down I feel like my cousin doesn’t have issues. I feel like she is just stating her opinion. No matter how many times I put my nose into the golden ratio, I can’t knock the thought that she may just be telling me the truth. If I tell her to stop hurting me, I feel like I’m just making a fool of myself. She tells me to get a nose job… maybe I need one. Why would I turn down such good advice? Also, even if she has issues, me telling her to stop isn’t going to make her stop. She tells me hurtful and “honest” (in quotations because I have absolutely no idea if they are true or not) things all the time. Some things are even valuable and she genuinely seems to want the best for me. I can’t see where the line of lies and hurt end and honest, caring advice begins. If they even are lies. I don’t know why I feel this way but I do. It has been my cousin and my relationship dynamic for my entire life. I don’t know how to “fix” it especially since I don’t know what is the truth and what is a lie. What’s your opinion?

    July 1, 2019 at 2:47 pm #301665
    Katie
    Participant

    Nairobi,

    I also want to add (maybe to help myself too) that my cousin has told me hurtful and “honest” advice and has been wrong about it. For example, last summer I was choosing courses for my fall semester at college. I was about to be a freshman so I had no idea what courses to take. I wanted to take a certain course that is known to be difficult but nothing crazy. I wasn’t trying to take organic chemistry or quantum physics 100 or anything. It was a completely doable course, just known to be difficult for some people. After signing up for it, I asked my cousin if she thought it was a good decision because she is a year older than me and has experienced a year of college already.

    Well, when I asked, she said some really hurtful things. In high school, I was really interested in a subject similar to this course. I put A LOT of time and energy into this subject. My cousin’s advice to me? She told me I wasn’t good at the subject in high school, so I am surely not going to be good at it in college. First of all, I WAS (and still am) good at this subject. She also wouldn’t be a good judge of who is good at it and who isn’t? I know I was good at it. Teachers told me I was really good! And based on my own judgment, I was good. And I was really hard on myself with this subject. Then, she insinuated that I was too stupid to take on such a difficult course load and should find something else.

    Well, I actually ended up getting an A+ in the course (in both level 1 and 2) and I got a 3.9 for the semester. So she was clearly wrong.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Katie.
    July 2, 2019 at 6:42 am #301751
    Nairobi
    Participant

    Dear Katie,

    For me (and I believe for you too), the point should not be whether your nose is too big or whether your cousin is right, maybe not even whether her comments come from jealousy or from a better place, the point should be that they are not helpful. They make you feel worse about yourself and they confuse you. You mentioned that “deep down I feel like my cousin doesn’t have issues. I feel like she is just stating her opinion!”. Please sit and re evaluate what stating one’s opinions really is. Do you honestly think it’s right for your cousin to continuously state her harmful opinions when clearly it’s affecting you? Wherever they come from, the fact is, they are not helping you at all. Why put yourself through them then? It sounds to me like she’s not interested in being helpful… Someone with a tiny bit of sensitivity can sense when they’re being pushy or rude or making someone else feel uncomfortable. To be honest, it’s pretty basic, common sense. However, your cousin can fix her own issues, but it’s up to you to stand up for yourself and set some much needed boundaries in this relationship.

    July 12, 2019 at 7:59 pm #303119
    Katie
    Participant

    Nairobi,

    Thank you that is all true. I know that my cousin knows she was being rude because a week later she brought it up to me. She just mentioned it in passing but she was almost laughing about it to me. She seemed to be amused at how she said those hurtful things to me without a care. She was like “yeah sorry I told you your nose is big hahaha” but it wasn’t a sincere apology. It was more of a “wow I’m kind of a horrible person but it’s really amusing to me that I was able to tell you that without a care hahaha” kind of apology. After a long time of thinking this over and over, I can finally understand why setting boundaries is important. I was so hyper-focused on whether or not my nose was big. That was all I cared about. The truth is, my nose isn’t big. But my cousin is an extreme perfectionist and she was almost forcing her views onto myself, making me think this way too. To an average person, no my nose isn’t even close to big. To someone who only thinks you are beautiful if you have 0 flaws and look like a supermodel (as my cousin does), yes my nose is slightly big. Slightly. Sorry for going off on a tangent, I just like to write my thoughts down to help me understand them.

    What is important to me is my health and happiness and I need to set healthy boundaries. I don’t need to look like a supermodel. There are more important things.

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