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My depressed girlfriend left me

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  • July 9, 2023 at 10:55 pm #420748
    Adam
    Participant

    Hey Tee

    I am definitely trying to accept it more each day but as you said some are harder than others.

    I don’t actually know the answer to your question about her mental health. I am not really sure how to go about that with her. If I had my guess I’d say she isn’t on medication.

    All I know is that her previous relationship was toxic like mine. I told her we don’t really need to talk about exes.

    I already noticed myself getting some attachment over this past week. We are talking less at the moment which I am somewhat fine with but it’s definitely making me a little bit anxious also. Not sure if I’m overthinking it but I feel I am getting mixed messages and I don’t know how to talk to her about this without coming across to forward or eager.

    I am definitely still healing and I don’t want to push this girl away but I shouldn’t be having feelings like I am after only catching up a few times and knowing her for maybe a month. It’s all related to the break up as to why I’m feeling like this I believe.

    I’m just a bit lonely at the moment and I don’t know if that’s why I’m interested in this girl more than I should be. I’m trying to just distance myself and not put all my eggs in one basket but I have always found this hard. I don’t know if I should speak with her honestly, leave it and see how things go or just distance myself even more and not stay in contact as much.

    July 13, 2023 at 12:02 am #420796
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    sorry for the late reply, I am on holidays and don’t always have access to the computer.

    I already noticed myself getting some attachment over this past week. We are talking less at the moment which I am somewhat fine with but it’s definitely making me a little bit anxious also. Not sure if I’m overthinking it but I feel I am getting mixed messages and I don’t know how to talk to her about this without coming across to forward or eager.

    I think it’s not too soon to start feeling attached after a month of knowing her. You say she is giving you mixed signals – does it mean she sometimes shows more interest and is contacting you more, and at other times she is more distant, doesn’t respond to your texts, doesn’t want to meet and suchlike?

    I’m just a bit lonely at the moment and I don’t know if that’s why I’m interested in this girl more than I should be

    Well, you do tend to feel bad when you’re alone. You said you quickly feel bored and can’t really enjoy things if it’s not with a partner. Since being alone is a source of pain and discomfort for you, it’s no wonder you want to stop that and find a partner as soon as possible. So yes, that could be a reason why you start hoping and perhaps getting a little too attached even if she is giving you mixed signals, or she simply needs more time to warm up to the relationship.

    I’m trying to just distance myself and not put all my eggs in one basket but I have always found this hard.

    I understand that. You don’t want to date more people simultaneously and keep more options open, but you want to build a deep relationship with one person. That’s okay. You don’t need to go against your nature and start dating casually, because if it doesn’t come naturally, it will be forced and you won’t feel good.

    Instead, try to tell yourself that you’re a good person – a lovable and totally cool person – even if this girl doesn’t always show the kind of enthusiasm that you would like. Even if she isn’t too eager, tell yourself that you’re still a great guy. Because what you really need is a better relationship with yourself and to reduce the negative self-talk.

    You said you’re quite critical with yourself, you hold yourself against a high standard. This is unfortunately fueling the inner critic and the belief that you’re not good enough. If you can be kinder and more compassionate with yourself, the inner critical voice will lessen and you’ll be able to enjoy your own company more and feel better in your own skin, so to speak. And so you won’t be longing for a partner so desperately and will be able to better tolerate periods when you’re single. If that makes sense?

    I don’t know if I should speak with her honestly, leave it and see how things go or just distance myself even more and not stay in contact as much.

    Hm, maybe you don’t need to talk to her yet, but rather try an experiment: whenever she doesn’t reply as quickly as you’d hope for, tell yourself that you are good and lovable anyway. In other words, try to soothe your inner child whenever he feels neglected and abandoned, or not good enough. How does this sound?

     

    July 13, 2023 at 1:35 pm #420801
    Adam
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    I hope you are enjoying your holiday!

    I didn’t want to feel the attachment if it was only me. I noticed after our last date it seemed like something changed and it really played in my mind. I went from getting a good morning text nearly everyday to barely getting one message a day. I asked her out one last time and she didn’t seem keen. I ended up just removing her off my socials and within half an hour she noticed and got upset. It frustrated me how she saw that but not other messages that sat there for hours at times. I tried to reason and left it up to her if she wanted to continue talking but that was enough for her to not want to. I think it was a good thing, she was a really cool girl but it made me realise I’m just not ready for something like that again, not that I was looking for it but it happened. I may have gone about it the wrong way but that’s okay I’m still learning.

    She thought I did it all for attention when really it was to protect myself because I felt how I did with my ex when I wasn’t getting any communication but I could see that she was online. I definitely opened up to her too much in the end and that’s something I got to be careful of. I’m too honest for my own good at times but I think someone will appreciate that one day.

    I am just going to try focus on me more everyday. I went from feeling so lonely because of that girl to feeling more independent and because I wasn’t anxiously waiting for a message I was really productive so I think it will be good in the long wrong if I have a break from talking to people seriously.

    I do regret it a little bit as I did want to get to know her more but if I noticed some redflags of mine that early on then it was probably never going to work for me. She admitted it wouldn’t be fair on me with her mood swings and disappearing so in the end she must have had some issues packed away if she told me this.

    Your response made a lot of sense to me. It’s winter where I am living and I think this is also making it harder for me occasionally. I’m not as inclined to get out due to weather. I’m still trying to workout most days and keep on top of house work as much as possible. I think I need a hobby though. I haven’t gamed in months still and I feel like I have to confront doing things by myself and not rely on a partner.

    July 13, 2023 at 3:29 pm #420804
    Adam
    Participant

    I thought I’d just elaborate on what I was feeling a bit more. Over the past week I really felt like I went backwards and I was very emotional over something that probably was very insignificant in the big scheme of things. It felt like I was back with my ex in a way because all I wanted to do was fight and I couldn’t handle the feeling of being ignored. So I started seeing red a bit and was probably a bit irrational.

    I tried to not compare this girl to my ex but that’s obviously going to be difficult at times as she was such a big part of my life recently. I just remember all my past experiences with meeting exes and from the very start we hit things off and it didn’t go cold after about 3 weeks. That’s what really confused me and sent me down a bit of a rabbit hole. Am I expecting too much and being a bit selfish if I don’t get consistent communication and clarity about where we stand early on? It honestly felt like a manipulation tactic and a double standard to me, pulling away whether she meant it or not but then when I did it she got upset and I was the one begging for attention which hurt to hear. I think in the end I’m a bit misunderstood and I just need to learn to hold off on giving people my all at times

    This girl blamed me for basically ending it because I was the one to remove her but in my eyes I wouldn’t have done it if I was actually getting responses because I would’ve felt more content.

    After this whole drama I was stupid and actually texted my ex just out of comfort, but I’m only talking to myself, I genuinely don’t mind if she doesn’t ever reach out.

    I think I am starting to actually understand my type and what I want from a potential partner.

     

    July 17, 2023 at 10:52 am #420861
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    I am sorry you’ve broken up with the new girl. I am sorry she went from sending you a good morning message and communicating regularly to barely texting you and not being keen to go on a date. I can imagine it made you feel ignored and hurt, and so to protect yourself, you did something rash: you removed her from your social media. And she naturally didn’t react well to that, moreover she used it to call it quits.

    I guess it was a bit of an overreaction from your side, where instead of talking to her about the change in her attitude/level of interest, you kind of went “ballistic” and removed her. It was a drastic move, born out of your hurt and anger. Just like you said here:

    Over the past week I really felt like I went backwards and I was very emotional over something that probably was very insignificant in the big scheme of things. It felt like I was back with my ex in a way because all I wanted to do was fight and I couldn’t handle the feeling of being ignored. So I started seeing red a bit and was probably a bit irrational.

    Yeah, it was a wounded child reaction, rather than an adult reaction. A better option would have been to talk and ask her what’s going on, and tell her that you feel she’d been distant since your last date.

    Am I expecting too much and being a bit selfish if I don’t get consistent communication and clarity about where we stand early on? It honestly felt like a manipulation tactic and a double standard to me, pulling away whether she meant it or not but then when I did it she got upset and I was the one begging for attention which hurt to hear

    You’re not being selfish if you want consistent communication. It’s okay to want to know what’s going on if the girl has pulled away and stopped showing interest. You absolutely have the right to clarify that. What was unbalanced is the way you tried to solve the problem: by cutting her off instead of talking about what’s bothering you. Instead of being honest and telling her that it bothers you when she is ignoring your messages while you know she is online. So your “solution” was an unbalanced one, although your problem was a valid one. If you see what I mean?

    This girl blamed me for basically ending it because I was the one to remove her but in my eyes I wouldn’t have done it if I was actually getting responses because I would’ve felt more content.

    As I said, you were triggered, and so your solution was a little unbalanced: to cut her off without communicating first. She probably took it as bad sign for the prospect of your relationship, because it’s not a good sign when the partners can’t talk and discuss things but get offended and make rash decisions. So I can understand her strong reaction.

    But also, it seems she is putting the blame for the breakup entirely on you, while the truth is that she had been pulling away recently and showing less interest. She did partially admit it though:

    She admitted it wouldn’t be fair on me with her mood swings and disappearing so in the end she must have had some issues packed away if she told me this.

    So it seems she is aware of her mood swings and disappearing. But instead of talking about it and explaining what’s been going on, she withdrew and started ignoring you. And then you felt hurt, it escalated from there.

    After this whole drama I was stupid and actually texted my ex just out of comfort, but I’m only talking to myself, I genuinely don’t mind if she doesn’t ever reach out.

    Has she replied?

    I think I am starting to actually understand my type and what I want from a potential partner.

    Can you write down what it is that you want from a partner? What I am guessing is that you want your partner not to ignore you but to show a similar level of interest and attachment as you’re showing – so you feel loved and appreciated. Would you say that’s true?

     

    July 17, 2023 at 2:53 pm #420866
    Adam
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    I know it wasn’t the right move now and I do honestly regret it a little. I was genuinely so certain that she wouldn’t even care at the time. I definitely see how it was a red flag for her, it was so unlike me and for that reason I tried making up for it by fighting but I think I just embarrassed myself a tad. I really opened up to her and got frustrated when I wasn’t getting the response I thought I would.

    In the long run I think it was good for me deep down. As much as I wanted someone to spend time with, and I thought she was a compatible partner but if that happened after 3-4 weeks then it wasn’t going to work. I’m going to let it calm down and maybe message her in the future again but I think I made a fool out of myself and she will only remember how it ended.

     

    I do see how it was an unbalanced solution now, that’s why I regret how I handled it. However I told her I was embarassed, regretful and wanting to continue to get to know her and move forward. Only she didn’t agree and that’s when she said it wouldn’t be fair on me, atleast she was honest in a way.

     

    That was exactly what happened, once she withdrew it felt like I was with my ex again. Massive red flag for me. I asked her to tell me when she is feeling off and she replied that how can she tell me when she doesn’t tell anyone.

    My ex did reply and it was very unexpected. All she said was sorry for not replying to past messages, she appreciates me and learnt a lot from me but doesn’t think it’s a good idea to talk or reconnect. Honestly I was so surprised I even got a reply so I am happy with that even if it is months later. I’m not sure if I will even reply, I want to say I’ll always be there for her and want to make it work but she should already knows that.
    I think I have trouble letting people go who I see as a potential partner, this new girl felt like I just put her into the role of my ex and when I didn’t get what I expected I panicked almost.

    That is exactly what I want from a partner. I wanna hear all the little things about their day, both good and bad. I want someone who isn’t going to pull away from a disagreement or be distant when things aren’t going great, someone who knows what they want and will fight to make it work.

    There are obviously a lot more things I want in a partner, I will write up a proper list but that’s a good start.

     

    August 4, 2023 at 6:11 am #421141
    Adam
    Participant

    I thought I’d give a little bit of an update on how I’m doing.

    Over all I am still feeling quiet flat a lot of the time but I am definitely getting better at noticing my negative thought patterns and pulling myself out of them before they spiral. I am working out a lot and eating well, I do plan on quitting smoking but at the moment I am atleast reducing my usage and trying to control it better.

    A lot of the time my ex is still on my mind however I am not as upset about everything. I still feel emotional but majority of the time I can pull myself out of it.

    I think the hardest thing for me at the moment is just the loneliness. I do live with my brother and keep a good close social circle and my relationship with others has improved a lot. However I still just feel like something is missing and I know the answer is most likely not a partner but something else within me. It also hurts me a bit knowing that I’m not entirely healed but i understand it is something I can’t rush.

    I think I’m taking all the right steps and making mostly the correct moves in the long run. Even if I’m 1 step forward and 2 back at the moment, I know eventually I’ll be in my full stride and that’s what is carrying me at the moment. Im trying to ride those high moods for as long as possible and make the most of them, while also noticing the negative ones. It’s working quiet well, a long with keeping myself as busy as possible I am not allowing myself to think or ruminate on possibilities or fantasies too much.

     

    August 7, 2023 at 4:28 am #421167
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Adam

    Thank you for posting your update.

    You have come so far and I am glad that you are persevering with your own healing and are realistic about amount of effort & timescale it can take.

    All the best Roberta

    October 15, 2023 at 11:22 pm #423153
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    how have you been? I am sorry for disappearing, I had health issues and a related health anxiety, and it was weighing me down.

    I hope you are well…

    October 16, 2023 at 1:53 pm #423435
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Dear Adam,

    I read the first few pages of this thread, then skipped to the end because I wanted to know how you were without reading the whole book haha, I apologize if I say something that is redundant since I did not read it all. It is admirable how you express yourself and how much you were there for this girl (your ex who you spoke about from the beginning).

    I just wanted to say something because I have a unique connection to this thread in that I relate to your ex, in more ways than one. However, I am still working through a relationship, my boyfriend is very understanding and kind, just like you. I am the one with trauma in the relationship, constantly having triggers pushed and I get very weak of exhaustion because of it. We are two years into the relationship, we moved in together a year ago and I actually just moved out. We are still together but I needed the space to heal, because living with him caused my triggers to be pushed at a faster rate than I could heal. I fear I will end the relationship for the same reason, but we love eachother truly, just like you both.

    I have told him he is the one, but even as I say it to him, it is very true, but there is a voice in my head that tells me that I may not be good enough. I feel so bad about the affect my triggers have on him, he deserves better. I am tempted to break up with him because I love him so much and want the best for him and don’t feel like I am it, at least right now. Honestly reading how you describe her, I wonder if her decision to leave was more selfless than you think, you were too good and she feels she deserves to be with someone who is as messed up as her, leading to the dating site so quickly. I say this because I have the same impluse… but know I deserve better. I am really trying to work on my trauma, through this blog site and my own action, such as therapy and the hard decision to move out. But even as I am dedicated to self improvement I still doubt my ability to love him how he deserves.  I feel unloved, unseen and mistreated by him, but it is all my own triggers breaking my heart, not him. When I am grounded I apologize for accusing him of not caring for me how I want/need to be cared for, but it’s like I know it will happen again because that feeling of those triggers being pressed can feel so so real. I hate that I do this to him.

    Anyways, if you would like to hear more about how I relate to her, let me know, I thought perhaps it could help you piece together what happened and get some more closure. Otherwise, I wish you the best of luck, you did your best and you deserve your efforts reciprocated.

    November 20, 2023 at 1:05 am #425138
    Adam
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    I hope you are also well and taking care of yourself. You were honestly one of my biggest supports during one of the hardest times in my life. Thank you once again.

    I am doing well over all I believe. I have started to see a new girl who is completely different to my ex. She works, doesn’t have mental illness and it more responsible and mature. It’s a lot different to what I am use to in comparison to past relationships. In saying all this we haven’t had any deep conversations really but we are both happy with how it’s going. I am enjoying the casualness of it as well as keeping some of my own independence.

    My final psych appointment (for the time being) was good. I go through stages where I do quite down over what happened and she reassured me that it’s normal, it just feels like I should be past it more by now. The other important thing my psych mentioned was how I might be finding it harder with new relationships that are more stable simply because I am not getting that ‘high’ that comes from a ‘low’. Rather it’s a steady and healthy pace, however I need to remind myself that this is a good thing.

    So I am good at the moment. The hardest thing is I am still not over how it all happened and how I was blind to it at the time, it’s really hard for me. I know she is in a new relationship and honestly all that sits fine with me but I do find it hard coping with just not knowing. We both have our own story but I know I put in a lot of effort and made myself vulnerable in the end. I will soon be at complete peace with it I hope.

    In the meantime I am focusing on myself as much as I can. I also had two new roommates move in which has been great financially and mentally for me too.

    It’s great to hear from you again Tee 🙂

    November 20, 2023 at 1:25 am #425139
    Adam
    Participant

    Hello Seaturtle

    I can definitely understand my exes side of things to a certain degree. Regardless how she handled the break up I came to realize my ex was also very manipulative.

    You may have similarities to my ex but I’m not really sure as I don’t know you. She was a lovely girl just very unstable and she wasn’t really doing much to help herself. No work or therapy for a start, I would say the fact that you’re actively going to therapy, talking in this blog, speaking with you ex before just moving out etc. are some ways you are different to my ex.

    Her decision could have been selfless but I think it leans more towards her triggers just being signs to leave me, that I wasn’t ‘the one’. But we will never know and that’s okay!

    February 21, 2024 at 6:28 am #427997
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    I am very sorry for not responding earlier… I am still suffering from health issues and health anxiety, and so it was hard to write here and contribute something constructive…

    I hope you are doing well, Adam. I was glad to hear that you are dating a new girl and it was good at the time being. How is it now?

    The other important thing my psych mentioned was how I might be finding it harder with new relationships that are more stable simply because I am not getting that ‘high’ that comes from a ‘low’. Rather it’s a steady and healthy pace, however I need to remind myself that this is a good thing.

    Yeah, you were craving for the “high”, for the blissful moments you sometimes felt with your ex, and this is what made it harder to let her go, even when her behavior turned toxic. Gradually getting to know your partner, gradually deepening emotional intimacy, is I think a better way and has more chances to succeed on the long run.

    I was glad to hear that you are doing fine last time you wrote. Sorry for not responding there and then… I hope you are well and will be reading this…

     

    March 14, 2024 at 3:20 am #428644
    Adam
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    I hope you are doing well also! I understand we all have things come up in our lives so don’t feel bad about taking some time off. I try to check here every now and then for replies. It’s great to hear from you again 🙂

    It’s still going really well, it’s a breathe of fresh air me and unlike any relationship I’ve had so far. The relationship just feels a lot more relaxed. Both on the same page.

    March 14, 2024 at 6:38 am #428647
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    good to hear from you! And thank you for your kind words. Yeah, I’m still struggling with my health, which is a bummer, but I am learning to see it from a different, more hopeful perspective. So I am training myself to think positively 🙂

    I am very happy the relationship is still going well and you feel much better than in your previous relationships. And that you feel relaxed with her – does it mean you are not putting pressure on each other, and you don’t feel like not being good enough or anything like that?

    Both on the same page.

    Good to hear that too. Does it mean she too is interested in a long-term, committed relationship?

     

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