Hi Adam,

I told my psych that it hurts because she didn’t understand how I loved her and loved me differently. She replied and told me that my ex would also be feeling the same towards me, that I didn’t love her how she did. It was interesting and also hard to hear that.

Yes, it’s typical that people with trauma require all their partner’s attention and care, because the wounded inner child is leading their life. Your ex behaved like a child, and all children are naturally selfish – they want their parents’ attention 100% of the time. Otherwise they wouldn’t be able to survive. So when we are children, that’s totally normal, but when someone behaves like that in their adulthood, it’s a problem.

So don’t blame yourself for not being able to give her that kind of attention that a baby or a toddler requires from her mother. The fact that she was unhappy with the level of attention you gave her doesn’t tell anything about you, but about her insatiable demands, which are the result of her unmet childhood needs.

I think when i just need a mental break it triggers my daydreaming a bit.

And when do you typically need a mental break? Is it after you’ve spent a hard day at work, focusing on what you’re doing? Or perhaps when in a relationship and focusing all your energy on your partner, sort of watching you’ll say, paying attention not to offend her (like it was with you ex)?

Smoking does as well. Movies and just media in general can trigger a feeling of wanting to daydream. They can last maybe between 5 – 15 minutes. When I was a teenager, I would go on walks to allow time for my daydreaming.

Do you remember what triggered it back then? Was it also mental fatigue?

I really felt ready and like she was going to be the one for me. She fueled my fantasies with her comments too. I had that fate and destined feeling straight away with her.

Yes, you felt ready and you wanted to find a girl to settle down with. It was a strong desire in you. When she told you that she too wants to settle down and be your wife, no wonder you felt over the moon. You thought you’ve found “the one” – something you’ve been dreaming of ever since you were a teen.

I think that’s why it felt destined. Because everything fell into place, you believed. You thought your dream was finally coming true. And that’s why you tried so hard to make it work, even if you suffered abuse in the relationship. Because you wanted it to succeed at all costs.

Now I’m worried it will return if she reaches out at any time, and it probably will still be there for a long time. I think it has to do with me being too readily available at times and giving people my all straight away.

With her, you definitely did give your all straight away. Have you experienced it in other relationships too? (perhaps friendships?) Because in your previous romantic relationships, you didn’t really give your all at first (you were avoidant).

I am even worried about getting this destined feeling with anyone not just her as I feel like it had made it so much harder for me this whole time.

Well, if what’s driving you is a desire to settle down and start your own family, and this desire is very strong and pervasive, then it could indeed cloud your judgment and make you cling to people like your ex, even if they’re not good for you.

I feel stuck in limbo still. This week has been much harder than last, I feel as I’m getting worse with time. Work is being affected and I’m very unmotivated, so I am going to take some time off soon.

I’ve noticed fluctuations in you – some days you’re more hopeful and upbeat, others you’re more daydreaming and having thoughts of getting back together. I think this is normal in the aftermath of this very painful breakup. Please know that it’s normal that sometimes you feel better, sometimes worse. But you will get through this eventually, because you’re doing all the right things.

It’s a good idea to get some time off of work, to recuperate. However, try not to use it for daydreaming and smoking weed, because that’s what’s going to make things harder. Being alone with your thoughts and feelings isn’t the best, I am afraid. Perhaps going for a vacation to a new place, a place you’ve always wanted to visit, would be appealing to you?

I have really hoped anything would be different. My biggest hope since early teens was probably to get a girlfriend and then as I left school, I finally started getting them, but I still have not made it to 12 months with a partner. They always leave and it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.

Well, you’re still learning. You said you weren’t that eager in your first relationships and that both of your exes left you because you were avoidant. So in those relationship you were probably doing something wrong – you were smoking and didn’t care much about them.

Perhaps you sort of sabotaged those relationships because you both feared and longed for a relationship at the same time. So it might have been an inner conflict, which made you wishy-washy about the relationship.

But with this girl, you were ready and you decided to give it your best.

There was a trend where I was always questioning myself with all my exes and my last relationship was the worst for this. She told me once during an argument that something is wrong with me and it really hurt. It made me feel like I was in the wrong and the cause of all issues and arguments.

Yeah, that’s hard to hear. You were trying your best, you gave her a lot of attention, you were caring and supportive, you were there almost 24/7 for her, and yet it wasn’t enough. As I explained above, the fact that she wasn’t satisfied with you is not your fault – it’s her own trauma wounds. So don’t take it to heart. Don’t take it to mean anything bad about you. Because it wasn’t your fault.

I tied everything about our futures together and that’s what I always told her. My priority was my future together, so it’s our future. She would see this as her not being the priority in the moment. She was never able to envision the future like I did.

Because she wasn’t really on board with being a wife and mother, I believe. She was too immature for that. She herself was so extremely needy – how on earth would she be able to meet a child’s needs properly? She might have told you in the beginning that she’d be your wife, because that’s what you felt so strongly about and she wanted to please you. But her heart was never in it. In fact, I bet she was actually afraid of such a task. Because women with trauma and unmet childhood needs often feel very scared and incompetent of being mothers themselves.

What she wanted from you is 24/7 care and attention in the moment, and no expectations about the future. If my assumptions are right, she wasn’t on board with being your wife, simply because she felt incapable of it. But perhaps she never articulated it. And so you kept hoping and pushing for your dream, which wasn’t actually her dream too.

 A week before we broke up it was her sisters birthday, there was a massive argument when they went out for dinner because he didn’t get the right sauce. It reminded me of my ex in a way, like he didn’t get what he wanted so now everyone has to suffer despite being a birthday celebration and it ruined the night. My ex told me he actually said “this is why I didn’t want to go out, because it always ends in an argument”.

Haha, yeah, it always ends up in an argument because he is the one causing arguments! But he didn’t want to admit it, and kept blaming everyone else. Yes, he doesn’t seem like a positive person. He is probably having anger and rage issues, but is blaming others for his explosive behavior. Your ex also wasn’t able to admit her own mistake but was rather blaming you. So perhaps there is a similarity there.

I think all this trauma, unresolved mental health, no desire for therapy, reducing medication without guidelines, no work for nearly 6 months or general direction in life, small friend group who weren’t always a positive influence just to name a few things. One of these by themself is enough to damage a relationship I feel. It was a whole concoction of what I just listed. I just want to be done with all this but I am struggling to do what’s best for myself.

That’s an excellent summary, Adam. You are seeing it very well. It’s good you’re aware that she wasn’t in a good mental space at all to have a healthy long-term relationship. And you’re working on letting her go. But it’s a process, don’t rush it. You’ll get there.

But as I said, make sure you don’t spend too much time alone, smoking and ruminating. Rather, if you take some time off, take a vacation and get to some new vistas. If you have good friends (or one good friend), you might go together with them.

Hi Adam

Now that you are away from an unsatisfactory relationship it is time for you to explore healthy ways of self soothing whilst you heal.

You can use your daydreaming more as a positive  guided visualization meditation. There are many books that supply a different meditation for each day of the year if you are easily bored or if you wish to concentrate on giving up smoking weed (addiction) then a more specific program like the 12 steps might help.

Also is there anything else other than being in a relationship that you would like to achieve or gives you joy in a positive healthy way?

Try spending at least 15 minutes in a natural environment each day.  When ever I am in a city I look for a green space to help decompress me from the stress of being in a busy environment. In one town the closest space to me was a very small graveyard, but it still helped me become centered and grounded. At work I asked by boss if I could install a  small quiet space for myself & co workers in a unused area of the building & since it did not cost them anything they went for it. It was much appreciated by staff & residents alike.

Hi Adam,

you’re very welcome!

I think what I wanted for her was the same however the way I thought she should go about it was far different from the way she wanted to.

Yeah, possibly. You both wanted her to heal. But you had different ideas of how to go about it. You said you did respect her attempt to wean off medication on her own and get over the “hump”. However, it wasn’t getting better at all, it was getting worse. So the hump wasn’t a hump, it became a permanent state of dysregulation and suffering. But she refused to try anything else…

Maybe to her I was someone who was getting in the way of how she wanted to heal. She did say she didn’t ‘need me’.

Well, I think she did need you in that protector role. She needed you to be on standby 24/7 and meet all her needs. But she also didn’t want you to have any demands or expectations on her. So perhaps her stance could be summarized as: “I don’t need you to tell me how to live my life. Just do what I ask of you and don’t complain.”

I may suffer from a low self esteem. My mother, best friend and even my ex all said I am too hard on myself and I should be proud of my achievements and where I’m at after everything I’ve been through

What is it that you have been through, if I may ask? Has there been a trauma that you went through?

I know I am hard on myself, I’m the first person to always admit fault and judge myself. I feel like I can’t switch it off at times but deep down I do love me.

Yes, you did say that all of your exes judged you. And because you’re quick to judge yourself too, you might have actually believed what your ex told you (that you’re not giving her enough attention, that you’re insensitive etc). I wonder how much you recognized her words as unjust accusations and how much you actually believed what she said?

I think at the moment my self esteem is low and I’m depressed but in general I’m not. I am confident and comfortable in my own skin, I always told my ex this and I wanted her to have that feeling.

There is a difference between self-confidence and self-esteem. Self-esteem is deeper: it’s a sense that you are worthy just because you exist. You don’t need to do anything to “earn” your worth. You are worthy just by being born.

Self-confidence is when you feel good about yourself because of some skill, talent or outer achievement. You are confident that you can sing, for example, because you are a talented singer. Some people have self-confidence, but they don’t have self-esteem. Because they believe that unless they perform well enough or have certain achievements, they aren’t worthy enough.

So I wonder if perhaps you do have self-confidence, because of your success in some parts of your life? (such as your career). But still, that you may lack a deeper sense of worth – a sense that you are worthy just because you exist? And that you don’t need to do anything to prove your worth?

Because I remember after the last breakup (in March) you told me you felt bad not just because she left you as her boyfriend, but that you felt bad as a person, because she refused your help. If you felt rejected as a person, this tells me that you do have problems with feeling worthy, which would indicate low self-esteem.

The relationship was unsatisfactory however I can’t help but beautify it even after everything that has happened.

I feel as though I don’t actually understand that this is a hopeless situation for me.

The urge to reach out is still there as well.

This is just an assumption, so please don’t take my word for it. But what if your main hope is to prove your worth to her? Maybe you still hope that you can prove to her that you are a good person, and not a selfish and insensitive guy she might have accused you of? If that’s what motivates you, then it would make sense that you don’t want to give up and want to prove that you’re a good person, i.e. to prove your own worth.