Dear Gaia:

Yes, Kobe Bryant, his daughter and seven other people were killed yesterday in a helicopter crash. Kobe Bryant used to live in Italy and spoke fluent Italian, and I know news of his death reached Italy. It affects me too, emotionally, because I used to live in Los Angeles where he lived throughout his 20 year Lakers career and followed his games during the latter part of his career.

What did your uncle die from?

Interesting you mentioned your left arm feeling numb and fearing it was a result of a heart attack. Two weeks ago I slipped on ice and hurt my chest and back muscles. Later at night my left hand went numb and I was afraid that it was a result of a stroke. That night I walked to the bathroom and felt so bad that I fainted. I thought I was going to die. I had to talk sense to myself: that I my head didn’t hit the frozen ground, that I was hurt badly but not that badly. As I calmed myself the morning after I felt better and experienced improvement every day, still hurts, but it won’t kill me.

What I am trying to say is that anxiety makes everything worse. It attaches fear to every pain and an arm going numb or whatnot.. scary. But often it is just fear, we keep living.

anita

Dear Gaia:

I thought you were Italian because you wrote “problema” once, Italian for problem, and because your screen name is Italian, or Greek, as far as I know.

I am feeling better, thank you. It hurts less but also I am less afraid of this pain, feeling less fear when feeling the pain. It is dangerous to fall, and I fell a less than a meter straight down on my  back. You can imagine the descent of Kobe’s helicopter  a hundred times more that descent, when the body falls on a hard surface it breaks, just a bit (in my case, only two weeks pain so far) or instant death in the case of Kobe’s case, his 13 year old daughter, and seven other people (who although  not famous, are not any less worthy than Kobe,  his daughter, and no less valuable than your uncle whose heart just stopped).

Isn’t it amazing how wealth and fame do nothing to make falling less deadly? How wealth and fame don’t protect a person from injury, illness and death?

Not only that, if Kobe was not rich, he wouldn’t be able to own that fancy helicopter and he would be driving instead of flying (no descent involved in driving) to his daughter’s ball game and both would be alive. And isn’t it interesting that the seven people in the helicopter with him thought they were lucky to be riding with this famous person in his helicopter, but ended instead dead?

Yes, we are alive today and may be dead tomorrow, just like you wrote. It makes me less afraid to really understand this. Let this reality encourage you to live with less fear.

anita

Dear Gaia:

You made a very strong statement that deserves repeating part by part:

“For now I only feel fear”-  you can see that it can change, that tomorrow (a day after, a month after, don’t know), you will no longer feel only fear, that your emotional experience of  life can and will change.

“I hope this fear may turn into inspiration one day”- you hope, this is very powerful. With no hope we are hopeless with no motivation to make positive changes in our lives.

“I’m sick of fearing, suffering, grieving and raging, sick of obsessing, longing and not feeling nothing”- this means you don’t want to feel these things anymore, you don’t want this emotional experience of life to be permanent. You want a different feel for life. Having this intention is crucial for making the changes that you need to make.

“I only welcome positive experiences and uplifting thoughts from now, I really deserve it”- yes you do, you deserve a better, way better life. Put it differently: you don’t deserve to suffer.

My input on the totality of this very powerful statement that you made, (best and most powerful statement I read from you): it will not be easy or fast because your brain is in the chemical habit of obsessing and raging and leading you to behavioral habits of inactivity and daydreaming. You can’t just decide to change these chemicals and behavioral habits- and make them go away. No one can do that.

I changed and am changing a few major habits and I will be glad to continue to share with you how I did/ am doing it, what worked for me and what didn’t work for me in my quest to no longer suffer unnecessarily and to have an improved and improving emotional experience of life.

anita

Dear Gaia:

Your attitude, being enthusiastic, even for a short time, that .. makes me feel enthusiastic myself!

I will share with you then how to change those chemical and behavioral habits. What I mean by chemical habits is that our brains being organs of flesh and blood, when we imagine people and things, when we think our thoughts- there aren’t real people in there, real images, it is all the result of complex and intricate chemical processes. Chemistry is biologically what we are.

People often take the fastest and easiest way to change their brain chemistry and that is, by using drugs. We all do it to some extent by drinking coffee or a glass of wine and such. But this is not what I am referring to by changing chemical habits. I am referring to permanent changes. It takes months to change a chemical habit so that  the change is significant enough for you to notice. it takes months of conscious work every day. It can’t happen faster than that.

If you expect it to happen faster, then you get disappointed and give up. Expect it to be very, very slow and persist, don’t give up- this is key.

How to start changing a chemical habit: by changing a behavioral habit. It is way faster to change a behavioral habit than it is to change a chemical habit. But it is not easy. Choose a behavioral habit (or a few that happen together) that you want to change and that is possible for you to change (however difficult and however many times you tried and failed), and let me know what it is.

anita

Dear Gaia:

(I like it that you are addressing your posts to me the way you do, by the way).

Regarding the habits you mentioned, first thing to do in the effort of changing them is to accept them, meaning, to stop hating them and hating yourself for performing these habits.

Your habit of daydreaming is about feeling better, taking a break from the suffering you mentioned earlier. Have empathy for yourself for suffering so much that you need to daydream so much.

Have empathy for yourself that you feel so  lonely that you need to stalk your crush; that you are so distressed that you split your hair. Don’t hate yourself for these things, have empathy for yourself instead.

This change is about changing your attitude from self hate to self empathy. This change of attitude will take time and you will get better at it, but for now, consider it and let me know what you think/ feel about it.

anita

Dear Gaia:

There is a difference between empathy (or sympathy) and pity. If I felt pity for you, it would mean that I look down at you, thinking you are less than me, thinking something like: poor Gaia, she is so unfortunate being who she is, less intelligent than me.  I am lucky I am not her..

No, no, no- empathy is not pity. Feeling empathy for you I think something like this: I used to suffer just like Gaia, she is just as intelligent as I am. Because I was where she is (and am still healing and learning), maybe I can teach her how I made progress so that she can have a better life. I know she is very intelligent, it is just that she has been stuck for so long, like I was.

Do you see the difference?

anita

Dear Gaia:

I am glad that you see the difference.

Regarding you being curious to see where this will lead you- I am here to accompany you on the way to where this particular insight (empathy vs pity) leads. This insight is just the beginning.

Here is what I suggest that you do for the rest of today and tomorrow: as you notice that you are doing those habits you mentioned, and as you notice the beginning of you criticizing and hating yourself for doing these things (daydreaming, procrastinating doing what needs to be done, etc.), shift from self-criticism/hate —> self empathy.

And let me know about it tomorrow.

Like I wrote before, it takes time and patience. And guidance. Before, you didn’t have this combination to make your efforts successful. Now you do, so success for you is now possible.

anita

Dear Gaia:

Will you tell me what about this crush fascinates you so much, what about him attracted (and still attracts) you, what is it that is so great and wonderful about him?

anita