My extreme feelings kill me

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This topic has 409 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.

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February 12, 2020 at 12:47 pm #337840

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Gaia:

If in your mind, there is no adequate connection between your childhood and your ongoing years-long severe distress, how can you possibly get better? I mean, if you figure you experience all this distress because you were born to be abnormal, or because you watched fantasy shows as a child, how can you possibly heal- is my concern.

anita

February 12, 2020 at 1:26 pm #337846
Gaia
Participant
I actually feel like I’m being mindful of most the concepts you’ve brought about me: the Histrionic personality about my mother and the Magnifying Glass in my mind because of her influence, her being so insufferable to cause a chronic cringey feeling in me. I know it, and yes it’s true I should go back to the read about it all because you’ve spend a significant amount of time and dedication on me and my issues and I value it all.

I value it because even if you aren’t here with me to see it in my everyday life, I am mindful of when there’s that “Magnifying Glass” putting my feelings and thoughts to the extreme, I am mindful to stop and try to make my distorted thoughts more rational and less extreme, I am mindful of the 4 steps of correcting feeling though and behavior that you shared. Or your link about guided meditation. I’m sorry if you think I ignore your advices, I try to apply them a little almost everyday and yes, I know I may sound dense or stubborn about my childhood being normal I don’t even know myself why I do it.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Gaia.
February 12, 2020 at 1:49 pm #337850

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Gaia:

Just before I read your recent post, I made a little note to myself on paper having our recent communication in mind: “I’m making absolutely no difference on tiny buddha, not helping anyone”, and then I read your post. Thank you for caring enough to write back to me and letting me know that you value my input and remember some of it. It is the good in you that motivated you to write this. It makes me smile this very moment as I have this image of you in my mind, being a good person.

“the Histrionic personality about my mother and the Magnifying Glass in my mind because of her influence, her being so insufferable to cause a chronic cringey feeling in me”- the strong connection between your current distress and your childhood is right here in this sentence.

Thing is, you expressed a whole lot of your suffering on your threads. I read all that you wrote about your suffering, over and over again, going back and re-reading so to incorporate new information into the old, to understand better and better, many hours of that. And I did it because I take your suffering seriously. It is not okay for a person to suffer like you have, (or like I have).

So please do listen to me, or more accurately, read and re-read my words, there are many hours in it, good intentions, insight that I earned through years of my own healing work, and close to five years of studying here as I communicated with many hundreds of people of all ages and life situations.

As a matter of fact, is there anyone in your “real life” that put all this time in trying to understand you? How about half the time, or a quarter of it?

Doesn’t this make me real, in your life?

Thank you for helping me be honest today, I didn’t expect to express myself this way today.

anita

February 13, 2020 at 2:35 am #337916

Gaia
Participant

Yes, you’re real in my life and yes, no one else put so much time and dedication to help me, not since a high school friend of mine tried to assure me that a certain crush liked me back and that I was the one in fault not noticing it (he had a gf by the way) but this is a old weird story

One thing I was wondering last night and this morning, as my brain default engaged in angry scenarios, was that what hurts me the most is feeling rejected or outcasted. It something that happened all my life since elemantary school til this very day, not being fully rejected nope but neither loved or valued. I’m part of it, I’m not rejected or hated but I’m neither loved either, it’s like I’m merely being tolerated.

February 13, 2020 at 7:28 am #337934

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Gaia:

I will restate what I stated yesterday: I will not repeat what I already took hours posting to you before, insights you agreed with, insights I believe are true. You can re-read them anytime by going back to previous pages (you can also copy and paste parts or all of our communication into a word document for you to have). There is no more insight into your childhood that I have to share. I shared it all.

Regarding your second paragraph: your emotional troubles escalated in school, but did not originate in school. As emotionally troubled individuals proceed in life, enter new circumstances (school, new apartment, new roommates, new job, new people.. even a new country and a new decade), often, more and more dysfunction and discontent is added, but the origin of the trouble is still in childhood. Therefore, for as long as you ignore, deny, see but then un-see what happened in your childhood, no analysis on my part regarding your troubles in school will be useful.

If you have any questions for me regarding my previous posts to you, or otherwise, always feel free to ask. Otherwise, my only input to you from now on will be the following: I will mirror to you what you share, so that you know that I read what you shared and am able to repeat it. This will give you the opportunity to vent anytime you want, to express yourself in typing, knowing someone is reading your words and can repeat them to you.

Here is my mirroring of your most recent post (if any of my mirroring here, or in the future doesn’t agree with you, let me know): a high school friend of yours tried to assure you that a certain crush liked you back, but she was misguided, he didn’t like you back and had a girlfriend at the time. Your brain often engages in angry scenarios. It hurts you very much to feel rejected, to feel like an outcast. You feel that indeed you were rejected all though elementary school, higher schools and to this very day. When you aren’t fully rejected, you are not loved or valued either, but merely tolerated.

You hate being tolerated. You hate being rejected. You hate being an outcast. You want to be valued. You want to be wanted and loved!

anita

February 13, 2020 at 7:41 am #337936

Gaia
Participant

I have a question, what do you think is the best way to see and process what is that happened in one’s childhood? Because I feel like working everyday on healing techniques is only half the work isn’t it? Is there’s a particular attitude you think I should have about this childhood turmoil of mine that you clearly feel like I don’t always validate?

February 13, 2020 at 7:44 am #337938

Gaia
Participant

I know you’ve expressed yourself plenty in lots of long posts so I don’t want it to seem like we should repeat ourselves on infinitum let me know if you feel or think it’s what happening now

February 13, 2020 at 8:17 am #337942

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Gaia:

As to your second post, when I feel that I am about to repeat myself, I will stop and not repeat, at least, I will not repeat at length. So feel free to ask any question, I will take care of the repetition issue, no need for you to worry about it.

“I feel like working everyday on healing techniques is only half the work isn’t it?”- yes. Some call childhood years Formative Years, an appropriate term because our brains were formed during childhoods, with our childhood interactions with our parents inside that formation. If we don’t examine and understand those childhood interactions with our parents, we don’t understand ourselves.

“what do you think is the best way to see and process.. one’s childhood.. Is there a particular attitude you think I should have about this childhood turmoil of mine that you clearly fee like I don’t always validate?”- I recommend an attitude I will term CHC, standing for Curiosity to learn about what happened there in your childhood, Honesty with yourself and with everyone ese, and the Courage to hold on to what you learn (instead of dropping it/ denying it) even though it makes you feel guilty to hold on to it.

If you learn something important and then you drop it, you don’t learn more and therefore, you don’t move forward, you are always in the same place, always in the beginning.

anita

February 13, 2020 at 8:52 am #337962

Gaia
Participant

(sorry I erroneously reported your reply but I had to aim to reply instead of report)

One of the biggest issues I have with my childhood is that I don’t know if my current feelings or perspective about it are reliable enough. As you can notice yourself, I have a very nonchalant or detached attitude towards my childhood years maybe something I see as not a big deal now may have been really troubling for me back then, I don’t know how accurate and honest and curious I can be about it this way. I am not connected enough to my child self

February 13, 2020 at 9:41 am #337976

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Gaia:

You doubt that your “current feelings.. are reliable enough” to indicate how you felt as a child.

You feel very nonchalant or detached regarding your childhood, as if it was not a big deal and has nothing significant to do with your current life experience. You think that what troubled you then, is no longer troubling you. And what does trouble you has nothing to do with what troubled you then.

You feel that that child that you were is not you and has nothing to do with who you are and what your life is like.

anita

February 13, 2020 at 10:47 am #337998

Gaia
Participant

This evening I had dinner with my mother and generally it hits me how sad and hurting it is how much I’ve drifted away from her, our bond is so detached now but this applies to most of the people I was close to as well. Once (maybe it’s normal for very young people) I could define myself as someone very close friend or my mother child, my family’s member. I feel detached and undefined by my family and roots now. Maybe its part of growing up. Ever since this started happening it what hurted me most, the fact that I could no longer be guided by my parents advice or guidance if anxiety troubles me, or vent with friends. I am turned into something that needs to define herself by herself, that needs to be self reliant in her life troubles, it’s very sad.

February 13, 2020 at 11:28 am #338002

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Gaia:

Long ago you felt very close to your mother, now you feel far away from her. You once defined yourself as a part of something bigger: a part of your family. Now you feel alone; a young person needing to “define herself by herself”.

You can’t rely on your family for advice, or to help you calming down when you feel anxious. You now have to rely on yourself, to guide yourself and to calm yourself down, do all that by yourself, with no help from your parents.

anita

February 13, 2020 at 11:51 am #338008

Gaia
Participant

Dear Anita

I’d rather have this conversation going forward without “mirroring”, so, like a normal conversation where you can freely say your opinion or perspective like you did at the beginning of the thread or when I shared my incidents with heaters, rude guys and general inner ups and downs. Obviously, if you’re willing and interested in doing so and obviously keeping in mind the work I need to do to accept and integrate the reality of my childhood based on your analysis and what I’ve shared with you.

That is means, I’m willing to actively integrate your analysis, even when it comes to simple everyday considerations or events like the one I posted 1 hour ago

February 13, 2020 at 12:10 pm #338012

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Gaia:

Fair enough, I will stop the mirroring, but I am determined to not repeat myself at length. So regarding your earlier post: “I have a very nonchalant or detached attitude towards my childhood years.. not a big deal”- it’s normal, it’s what children do when they are stuck in a negative family environment- they detach best they can, withdraw into themselves, try to not care, to not feel anymore.

– is this how you want me to respond, instead of mirroring? (I am okay with it because I didn’t repeat myself at length).

anita

February 13, 2020 at 12:41 pm #338020
Gaia
Participant
No i don’t want you to have to repeat yourself, I just wanted to keep this (almost) daily thread going, yes it’s very nice to have a place to vent or have someone to express this venting or thoughts to but what I would like for you is just to add whatever you want to add or ponder whatever you want to ponder with me. If this thread has turned too burdening or heavy I can understand it, after all I am a stranger and you aren’t required to keep it going, I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing someone to reply to me or pay attention to me.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Gaia.
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