Dear Gaia:

I used to feel the way you do a whole lot, being on the outside of life, watching others celebrate life and feeling so very “stuck or deprived of.. life.. left with depression, anxiety, boredom.. loss“- these are your words, but they fit me at your age. You used the word loss. I wrote a sentence to myself at about the time I was your age: “I lost everything before I had anything”, meaning I lost all the things I didn’t yet experience, like first love, dating, having a boyfriend, going out with friends, having fun with people, feeling part of. It hurts and enrages to be on the Outside of life wanting so much to be on the Inside.

I am not celebrating Valentine Day or any other holiday other than having special food in certain holidays, but then, I have special food in regular days. I don’t even celebrate my birthday on the day I was born, I don’t care for other people/ businesses telling me what days are supposed to be special. I allow any day the equal opportunity to be special to me!

I looked at some words in Italian this morning: soffrire (to suffer), gioia (joy),  and the recent terms we’re talking about: regolazione emotive, and disregolazione emotive.

I like it that you added the last line to your recent post, that you are being objective as well, not completely drowning in misery. It takes self discipline to suffer but to not increase the suffering by adding to  it thoughts that make one suffer even more. Thoughts that are true to reality will  make you feel better.

anita

Dear Gaia:

“How is life going for you post-healing?”-

My answer: there is no such thing as post- healing. After suffering what I’d call primary emotional injuries, injuries inflicted on me by my mother during childhood over a couple of decades or so, then proceeding to live a dysfunctional life for a couple more decades, having more bad experiences and incurring what I’d call secondary injuries, there is no post-healing. There is a lot of healing done, and more healing to be done. There will never be a time when I am done healing.

One reason why there is no such thing as post emotional healing for anyone, really,  is because- unlike what I used to believe, and what you believe- the people on the Inside, the ones who are so happy and functional, well- they are not. The world we live in is sick and dysfunctional to a great extent.

Notice this, just the other day,  the President of the United States of America tweeted the following about one of his competitors regarding the next election: “Mini Mike is a 5’4′‘ mass of dead energy.. No boxes please”- making fun of a candidate for being short, calling him Mini, and suggesting that he steps on a box to look taller when on stage. He also said about that candidate: “Mini Mike.. is a LOSER.. He reminds me of a tiny version of..”.

He is offending all the short people in the world, making fun of people for something they didn’t choose. In other words, he is bullying short people.

Twenty minutes after that tweet, the other candidate sent the following message to the president: “We know many of the same people in NY. Behind your back they laugh at you & call you a carnival barking clown”- sounding like a child, no  self control, immature.

See my point about the people on the Inside? And I am not talking about the many millions of people in the U.S who are homeless and/ or severely mentally ill and/ or addicted to heroine and Meth, and so on and on and on. I am talking about two very functional men: billionaires, one being in the most powerful political position in the U.S. and a significant force in the world!

When I was most sick, I thought that other people were healthy, happy, functional and had it all together, and that one day when I will be healthy too, I will join a healthy world. No such place to join, no such Inside to be a part of.

“Are you feeling more fulfilled/ whole compared to when you were I your 20s?”- yes, absolutely. I suffer way less, I feel calmer, I am curious about learning/ healing (same thing), I no longer feel less-than/ inferior when I communicate with people in real-life, I feel way less anger at people, and so forth. Oh, and my life is way more stable, I no longer move from place to place, often finding myself without a home, and more.

“what about social anxiety?”- I answered the above before reading this question. Like I wrote above, I no longer feel inferior to others, I no longer think that they know better than I do, that they have it all together and are looking down at me for how I don’t have it all together and so  on. That takes away the social anxiety  big time.

“Do you feel your social interactions are more fulfilling now?”- absolutely, including our very recent interactions. I used to be very cautious, scared around people, scared to say the wrong thing, scared of what they think of me.. without that fear, I can pay attention to who the people are and what they are saying- I can hear them instead of hearing my own, anxious thoughts being louder than their vocalized words.

“Do you feel seen/ heard?”- yes. Interesting part is that I see me and I hear me. No longer a stranger to myself, no longer someone shameful and embarrassing. It used to hurt a lot to feel inferior to others. That shame was very painful and enraging. No longer believing I am embarrassing, or shame worthy, being defected, abnormal, weird and all that, all that pain is. well, weak, like a distant memory.

anita

Dear Gaia:

Congratulations for joining a feminist group in your university: within the group be faithful to what you believe, because your beliefs and others’ beliefs in the group are not identical. Work with others so to promote what you personally believe in.

Yes, he is an obnoxious bully and it is sad that he is likely to continue the same obnoxiousness for four more years. (Not that all other politicians, past and present, are the picture of character purity- far from it.

“I wonder what is like, to feel heard, valued, seen. To truly make solid relationships and friendships”- it is like what is happening here, between you and me. I trust you and you trust me (don’t you?) that we will treat each others respectfully at all times, but not in a fake way, but genuinely respectfully. And we are honest with each other as well as assertive. If I go about something you don’t like (ex., the mirroring), you asked me to stop and I stopped it. I told you that I didn’t want to repeat myself at length anymore, and you were fine with it. You can count on me that when you post, I will reply soon after I get on the computer- this is a relationship where the two of us are “heard, valued, seen”.

How does it to feel this way in-person, with a person who is geographically present in your life- same thing: you feel comfortable because you don’t fear being attacked by that person, or shamed, disrespected. And you don’t have to wonder if the person means what he or she says, and you are not afraid of rejection because you know that as long as you are respectful, the other person is okay with you, and you know it is okay to express when you are angry, even at the person in this kind of relationship, as long as you express  your anger respectfully and responsibly. And you know that it is okay to make mistakes because the other person also makes mistakes and is okay with you  doing the same.

anita

Dear Gaia:

I am very familiar with spacing out and not paying attention, happened often and a whole lot. I am more attentive these days and am glad for it!

I used to be so focused on the images in my mind, what you called “mental scenarios” in my own mind, conversations between me and other people included, that I didn’t pay attention to the images in my real life, or to what people in real life were saying.

Well, thinking about it I still don’t remember what was in front of my eyes a moment before, or even days and months before, I still don’t pay attention much to physical details around me.

Yes, it is that living inside one’s head, that is, turned inward, focuses on one own’s images and thoughts and sensations, so much so that we are not turned outward, and don’t notice what is outside of us.

anita