Dear Ivy:

I read your whole post and I am having trouble understanding. I am guessing that although you live in the U.S., you lived elsewhere for years before you moved to the U.S., and your English needs improving. Am I correct in my understanding?

You mentioned that you have autism. Can you tell me at what age you were diagnosed and what, if any treatment, you’ve been receiving?

One more thing: you asked for help. Can you tell me as clearly and as specifically as you can, what kind of help are you requesting?

I am hoping that by answering my questions as clearly as you can, I will be able to reply to you further.

anita

Dear Ivy:

“There is no treatment to the autism“- there is no cure for autism, but there are plenty of treatments. If you look at the website Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NIH), title: “What are the treatment for autism?”

“I want MY life to be perfect, just like my parents’“- no one’s life is perfect. It is not possible.

“I want to be strong both on the outside and the inside“- this is possible. You can get stronger and stronger over time, on the inside and on the outside.

“What I meant by nightmares is that I live in this world where ‘perfection doesn’t exist’“-in this sense, we all live in a nightmare: our world is very far from being perfect. We have to get stronger and stronger so to endure this very imperfect reality and make the world just a bit better, every day.

“My fantasy future is to make good stories: fantasy, comedy, and horror stories as a writer and also do other jobs… How can I do all this, when I’m 17 years old“- You can accomplish some of the things you want over time, a bit at a time, patiently.

“I want to be strong and make my parents and everyone in the world happy“- it is the dream of many, many children all over the world: to make one’s parents happy. It used to be my dream, but I failed to make it happen. When you have a parent who is not happy and who hasn’t been happy way before you were born, there really is nothing you can do to make them happy.

“When I say ‘I’ll never do it again, I promise’ they say “O.K., but unfortunately you are wrong. You will do it all over again“- reads like you promised things before but failed to keep your promises. I used to promise a lot of things to myself and failed to keep my promises. I remember how frustrated it made me feel!

“I’m having a feeling that people I know are scary and are fortune tellers“- it is possible for you to make promises in the future and keep your promises. It happened to me: in the past I didn’t keep my promises, but now, I do!

Also, I am not a fortune teller (being able to predict the future), and neither are your parents. No one is.

“Parents and friends I know that are always stronger (strong-willed and are more of an expert) than me are always right“- they are not always right about everything… no one is.

“I’m always subtle and super abstract in writing… I want to be clear and narrow, not broad and scattered“- you can send me a broad and scattered paragraph that you wrote, and I will recommend an alternative clear and narrow version.

“I always cry and do the same bad habits/behaviors constantly and repeatedly… I’m still in special education. I need to learn more about patience… What can I do so that I can finally change my behavior…What can I do??“-

– One of the treatments you can read about on the website I mentioned above is called Behavioral Management Treatment for Autism. It partly reads: “Behavior management therapy tries to reinforce wanted behaviors and reduce unwanted behaviors. It also suggests what caregivers can do before, during, after, and between episodes of problem behaviors”- you, your parents and caretaker can benefit from reading more about this treatment.

“How can I show that I permanently changed?“- a little at a time, gradually. Focus on making small progress over a long time, instead of expecting a big change all at once.

“I tried to avoid crying and control my instinctive behaviors as much as I can, but it’s no use… How can I control my emotions and turn rational??? Any recommended books?”

– There are many books on autism and on various treatments for autism. I just looked at an Amazon list and a book with the title “Beyond Behavioral Management: The Six Life skills Children Need” looks promising to me.

“I want something else, some other powerful technique to permanently be happy and stay in the now instead of tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow!!!! What can I do?“- To stay in the now, get help with lowering your anxiety and stress level, there are techniques to do that, such as breathing techniques, progressive muscle relaxation and more.

You can’t “permanently be happy” though, no one can.

What kind of help, if any, did you, or do you get in school, help from your special education teachers?

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by .

Dear Ivygrl:

You shared that you are 16 or 17, a Special Education student in high school, 11th grade. You are overwhelmed with schoolwork and when you feel ignored, unheard, and/ or frustrated otherwise, you perform behaviors that you referred to as: “baby behaviors”, “bad habits/ behaviors”, “instinctive behaviors“, and “whining, crying, and wailing habits with my mouth within”:

“I cried, thinking that my caregiver didn’t hear my voice. I cried and screamed and wailed… my caregiver failed to listen to me, so I cried. I cried and wailed like a BABY, unable to control my baby behavior“.

These behaviors recently happened in the library, and “the librarians got annoyed and told me to get out until I behaved better“. Your “babysitter/caregiver was soooo angry“, and told you “that until I learned my lesson, I will never go outside ever again“.

Anger is a part of these behaviors: “I also spilled my water bottle angrily because no one will ever like me ever again“.

You tried many times to control and stop the behaviors, but failed, and as a result you feel hopeless, helpless, very frustrated and weak: “Everything is irreversible, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it… The cycle will always happen, over and over and over and over and over again… constantly and repeatedly… I’m sick of being weak… I tried to avoid crying and control my instinctive behaviors as much as I can, but it’s no use… No matter how hard I try, it’s not going the way I want it to be”.

You were prescribed medications to help you to calm down and to sleep better: “Pharmacy pill medicine was used because of my sleep problems and my calming down“.

I figure that being that you are almost a legal adult, I looked at the website autism. org/ behaviors in adults with autism. It reads:  “In children with ASD, challenging behaviors are a significant problem that can interfere with nearly all aspects of daily life. Later, as these children grow into adulthood, their bodies become larger, and they become stronger. Consequently, these behaviors can become even more severe, significantly reducing these individuals’ quality of life and often endangering the people who care for them…

“To compound the problem, most physicians and therapists have little experience treating adults on the autism spectrum… One common treatment option recommended by professionals is sedation, but sedative drugs can negatively impact cognition, sociability, and motor abilities. In addition, they do not address the underlying problems causing the behaviors”.

About another website, I read: “Adults diagnosed with autism disorders are prone to anger outbursts. An ‘on-off’ quality where individuals may be calm one second and, in a rage, the next…  According to autism-help. org, these are six common causes of anger in relation to autism disorders:

1. Being swamped by multiple tasks or sensory stimulation Multitasking has become more common in today’s on-the-move society. People expect others to be able to do more than one task at a time. But what may seem minimal to some can be extremely stressful to an autistic individual.

2. Other people’s behavior: An autistic individual may take great offense to insensitive or sarcastic comments that most may judge as light humor. Being ignored, whether on purpose or by accident, is a prevalent trigger as well.

3. Having routine and order disrupted… Many subconsciously cope with stress by following strict daily regimes. Disrupting a routine means disrupting a coping mechanism. For those struggling with high functioning autism and anger, the organization of their room can be very important to their routine. Simply moving something around in their area could cause a huge disruption to their comfort zone.

4. Difficulties with employment and relationships despite being intelligent in many areas: Many autistic individuals report feeling like their talents and capabilities are often overlooked and unappreciated…

5. Intolerance of imperfections in others: Both physically and mentally, the individual may have stressors indirectly caused by people. Big noses may be one. High-pitched voices or people who speak too fast may be another. Allowing them to express these pet peeves may result in further understanding of their anger-related behavior.

6. Buildup of stress: … Many autistic individuals must be taught how to process their stress and emotions.”

Back to the first website I mentioned, it reads that a root cause for these challenging behaviors in individuals on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder is HIGH AROUSAL LEVELS, meaning that lights or sounds that don’t feel too bright or too loud to people with low/ average arousal levels, feel too bright and too loud and therefore, too distressing to people with high arousal levels.

Also, bodily discomforts such as perspiring or being constipated bother people with high arousal levels a whole lot more than it bothers people with low/ average arousal levels. Same things with emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness, etc., these bother people with high arousal levels much more than they bother people with low/ average arousal levels.

The extra anxiety, tension and distress that highly aroused person feel leads to some of these challenging behaviors, behaviors that are aimed at relieving and releasing the anxiety, tension and distress.

In addition to the above, these challenging behaviors may be sometimes motivated by a desire for positive or negative attention, a desire to avoid something you don’t want to do, or a situation you don’t want to be in, etc.

In summary: here is what I understand can help you a whole lot: (1) See a medical doctor for a thorough physical checkup: identify and seek medical help for any medical problem that can be fixed or made better, such as inflammation, constipation and fungal infections. The healthier and more comfortable that you are physically, the less arousal that you will experience, and the less the physical need to release aroused distress via those challenging, undesirable behaviors,

(2) Have low-intensity lighting in your room and in your home (no bright lights), avoid loud sounds, wear comfortable, loose clothing, etc., whatever will make you more comfortable and lower your arousal levels. It is very important that there no one screams at you or at other people in your presence. The quieter your homelife, the better it is for you,

(3) Eat healthily and exercise daily,

(4) Avoid multi-tasking at home: do one task at a time. See if your teachers can give you less homework: one homework assignment per day, or every other day, not more,

(5) Have your psychiatrist re-evaluate your medications,

(6) Ask your teacher/ counseling center in school for help in learning to be assertive: to ask for what you need in ways that are likely to get you what you need, to request that people don’t joke with you in ways that annoy you, etc., to express your anger in ways that make you feel better about yourself (using words instead of crying and wailing), as well as help with lowering your stress level in ways such as breathing exercises, guided meditations, yoga, etc.

(7) Keep a daily routine that includes some activity outdoors at least once a day, so that you are not always indoors.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by .

Sorry for the delay Ivygrl! I was unwell yesterday and wasn’t able to give my full attention.

I think you’re asking all the right questions, this kind of personal development takes effort, time, patience and acceptance.

Whilst wanting to improve your behaviour and emotional control is understandable and a great goal. I think it is equally important to accept your condition and the unique limitations that come with it.

When I say accept, I mean do not blame yourself when things don’t go to plan. It’s okay to make mistakes.

I’ve said before you seem very hard on yourself. You’ve mentioned that you have perfectionist tendencies. This puts additional stress and anxiety on yourself. Relaxing your attitude and challenging these thoughts. Allowing yourself to be without punishing yourself is very important for managing anxiety. One method people use when they are struggling to be kind to themselves is “what would I say to a friend in my situation?”.

You’ve mentioned that teachers tell you off for behaviours, you mentioned that your mother is strict. You mentioned your carer threatened you. This is what I meant when I asked before if you picked up these tendencies from others.

Negative emotions are as much a part of life as the positive ones. Crying can even be helpful. It can release tension and endorphins, it is a request for comfort from others. Personally, understanding my reasons for crying helped me to substitute an alternative behaviour. If I want comfort from others. I know to communicate that now.

Understanding your triggers can help you plan strategies to cope with those situations.

For example, when I’m anxious I find that I don’t communicate well. To avoid issues when I know I am going to be anxious, I often write down in advance what I would like to say. Including phrases to end conversations if it gets too much.

Personally, I have difficulties with changes to plans. This means that I need to ask others for help to figure out a new next step in the plan.

Self-soothing is a very important skill to learn to help manage difficult emotions. Meditation or journaling can be helpful for some. Practicing compassionate self-talk is another strategy. Perhaps you already have some self-care methods that work for you?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Helcat.

Dear Ivygrl:

I wrote to you: “When you do push yourself, push yourself very gently!”, and you asked me: “What do you mean by that?” – I mean that instead of saying to yourself something like, I must hurry up and move faster and not be lazy! etc., say to yourself something like, I will move a little faster, if it’s too difficult, I will stop. I am a hard-working, honest person.

You wrote: “There’s no way to shift back the emotions though, not unless they go away naturally, but I don’t want the sad feeling to go away naturally. I want them to go away now. What can I do?” – try to let go of wanting your emotions to go away NOW. Try to not desire that, and your emotions will calm down faster than otherwise. Wanting our emotions to disappear right away makes them stay longer!

“I’m starting to realize that my parents do love me, but they don’t give enough information about my autism arousal…. But the point is the doctors did not tell what type of autism I have” – reads like you should see better and more informed professionals about your autism, professionals who will offer you and your parents all the information that is possible to offer, including information about arousal levels and the topic of punishments (personally, I didn’t understand what you shared about punished).

anita