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Dear Felix,
I am glad that you’re aware of the two parts inside of you – one that is overthinking and keeps you stuck in a loop, and the other who wants to make progress and advance.
I even tried learning to draw cartoons on weekends to feel some achievement. And yeah it felt good.
That’s great, I am happy for you! Just keep trying out new things, things that are fun and that you enjoy. Keep stretching yourself and your limits, every day a little bit. It doesn’t have to be some big accomplishment, but small things.
The only thing i can do right now is by not posting anything on instagram, i even track my record to feel calmer….. i’ve achieved 18 days without posting and every time i see that record i feel very calm.
Even that is an achievement, Felix. You haven’t been posting for 18 days, you’re sort of exercising your willpower not to post. It’s like flexing a muscle 🙂 And it makes you feel good and calm… it’s a good strategy, I believe.
Actually the past mistakes that i’m only thinking right now is about that instagram stories, i used to post stuffs that end up embarrassing myself…. i did that only to attract that girl (the girl who confesses to me but told me not to wait for her)…. and now after failing to get her….. my brain feels that i did something wrong….. that im embarrassing myself to 300 people who viewed my instagram stories only to get her attention…. and in the end, it didnt work out with her. Like i lost on both sides.
There are two parts activated in you when you reflect upon this story: one is the healthy part who sees that your behavior (bragging) wasn’t the best, since it was motivated by an unmet need for love and approval, specially for being liked by that girl. It’s a self-reflective part, who says “this was inappropriate but I didn’t know better at the time. So I forgive myself. From now on, I’ll try to do better.” This is the part who wants to make progress, learn from his mistakes, and grow as a person. This is also the part who wants to draw cartoons, I believe 🙂
And then there’s another part, who uses whatever “unsettled problem” you have to keep you stuck in a mental loop, obsessively thinking about it. As I said, I believe this part is protecting you from potential failure, by preventing you from trying anything new. It’s an internal saboteur.
When you hear its voice, you can notice to yourself: “Ah, this is the protector. He’d like me to stay stuck because he’s afraid I am a failure. He thinks he’s protecting me, but he’s in fact holding me back. When I listen to him, I am paralyzed and unable to move on. I am accusing myself all the time and my thoughts drive me crazy. I don’t want that any more. I want to advance and thrive, I want to try out new things. Therefore I am choosing not to listen to this paralyzing voice at this moment. I am choosing to experience something new. I am making a space in my mind and heart for a new experience. I am open to a new experience.”
This is just a suggestion, you can use your own words of course. If you feel like trying it, let me know how it went…
Dear Teak
Thank you once again for replying to my thoughts.
You said:
“That’s great, I am happy for you! Just keep trying out new things, things that are fun and that you enjoy. Keep stretching yourself and your limits, every day a little bit. It doesn’t have to be some big accomplishment, but small things.
Even that is an achievement, Felix. You haven’t been posting for 18 days, you’re sort of exercising your willpower not to post. It’s like flexing a muscle
And it makes you feel good and calm… it’s a good strategy, I believe.”= Thanks ! it’s due to your suggestion that i need to feel some achievement to have a better self esteem, and yeah i also believe tracking how many days i havent posted on instagram is a good strategy.
You said:
” This is just a suggestion, you can use your own words of course. If you feel like trying it, let me know how it went…”
= Before i try this suggestion, i just found myself into a new “problem”….. so after i draw the cartoon…. well the cartoon that i draw is actually an anime girl. I decided to post it on my instagram “close friend” stories, so in instagram close friend stories i can select how many people who can view it. I didnt think much before posting that time, i feel like i’m proud of my achievment and at least i wanna show it to some people (i didnt twice if i could feel regret later on). The close friend list are 5 people, in which 3 is my male close friend and 2 girls. The 2 girls are the girl that told me not to wait, and the other one is my potential new crush. My 3 male close friends replied to my stories and their replies are all positive. Now regarding the 2 girls, the next day i text the girl who’s “my potential new crush” stating that the drama (we used to talk about this drama a month ago) just released a new episode of the new season…. then idk why she replied me so cold, different than how we text before. Then after a few conversation we stopped chatting…. i dont mind if i lose a new potential crush, as i havent had any much feelings for her…. i just wanna try if she’s compatible with me or not. Then i started thinking again, could it be because of me drawing an anime girl….
I’m worried that she might view me as a freak, like i know some people tease people who likes anime. And this time i’m drawing anime…. and i’m at the age of an adult… maybe she thinks that i’m still acting like a child. But about this girl, i dont really mind, the real problem is the girl who told me not to wait. Tbh i never expect this girl (the girl who told me not to wait) to reply, and i also didnt text her anything…. i just wanna show her that i can draw now…. but i think it end up backfiring me after i knew that the girl who’s my potential new crush acted that way…. like i’m worried she might think that im a weirdo now, as we havent been texting for 9 months since the separation….. i remember she viewed me as a boy who’s cool and she thinks highly of me, but she could be thinking that im a weirdo now. Im worried, even though we dont text anymore… i dont want her to think me who is her former crush as a weirdo.
I believe this isnt related to self esteem is it, because im confident enough to show my drawings? It’s just that i feel it was wrong for me to show it to them as im regretting my decision again. Or do u think im overthinking regarding this situation?
But i’ve decided not to post anything again on my instagram stories after this issue, even on close friend list…. like i cant even handle it anymore….
Few days ago when i didnt post anything i feel so calm, and then i get distracted into posting again…. like i shouldnt have done it… and now i’m back to square one in healing myself.
Dear Felix,
it’s fine that you posted the anime drawing in your close friends group. You were proud of your achievement and wanted to show it to your close friends – nothing wrong about that.
As for the rest – thinking and obsessing whether you should have done it or not, and whether those girls will think less of you because of it – that’s the internal saboteur. That’s the voice that wants to keep you from growing. And he succeeded for a moment because you immediately started questioning yourself and your drawing, thinking that it may be childish, that the girls won’t like you because of it etc etc… the end result: it took away all your joy and pride about your achievement, and pushed you back to square one, into paralysis and anxiety. Do you see this?
But you have the antidote for that: try to neutralize the voice of the saboteur and focus on the internal achiever (perhaps this is how we should call the antidote to the saboteur), telling yourself positive affirmations, like I suggested earlier.
Dear Felix,
So in ur opinion i should try these methods to reduce anxiety?
yes, definitely try doing some exercise, or even just walking/hiking, or dancing even. It’s important to move your body because it can still your mind.
Therefore i dont have to answer my brain on how to solve each of these problems?
You don’t, in fact you even can’t, because for an anxious mind which is obsessing, no answer will be good enough. I like the analogy anita uses sometimes: it’s like scratching an itch: the more you scratch, the worse it gets. You cannot stop the itch by scratching it. You can only stop it by not engaging, or at most by putting a balm on it that soothes it. Exercise is like a balm for the brain…
I understand it’s a new thing for you, since you used to spend most of your time in your room, watching TV. But try to develop a habit of getting outside, in the fresh air. You don’t need to wait for covid restrictions to lift. Try to do some exercise even before that, in your room if needed, or go for a jog, which would be even better. It will do you good, guaranteed!
(this is my 2nd attempt to post. For some reason when I posted for the first time, it said it’s awaiting moderation. I don’t know why, since I didn’t include any links)
Dear Felix,
I am glad you liked the scratching the itch analogy, and that it helped you understand your mind better. Also, that you’ll do some jogging or walking in the near future. Do you have some green areas in the vicinity of your housing complex?
it really has a positive effect on me like from the girl problem i can finally realize that i’ve been so close minded that i only focused on getting her attention without realizing that i’m embarrassing myself, now i’m always looking at something in a bigger picture. .. I finally know that i dont need to get unnecessary attention to be happy.
That’s great, Felix, that you don’t have this craving to impress anyone, including the girl you liked, and that you don’t need other people’s approval to be happy. That’s truly precious!
But to realized all of this, i’ve to suffer pain… does this world really works this way? Like in order to be a better person we’ve to go through pain and struggles? Does there really a person who become a better person without pain and struggles?
Yes, the world and us people really work like that. We only change when we’re forced to. We only learn from our own mistakes (and sometimes not even then!), and not from other people’s mistakes. Some spiritual traditions call it “the school of hard knocks”. And also, we grow and become better people through pain and struggle. That’s the law of life.
Rare are the people who spontaneously realize that they could improve their character. We’re usually faced with relationship problems, or fears and anxiety, or anger management issues, or the inability to advance in our career because of low self-esteem etc etc – and this forces us to change. There’s always some problem, some obstacle we face, and in order to overcome it, we need to change. That’s life, that’s how growth happens.
i’m hoping that i’m taking the right path in being a better and more mature person as i grow older. Also i hope this right path will save my dignity after all that embarrassment on social media (pls say yes)
You’re becoming more and more self-aware, Felix, and it’s a pleasure to see. You’ve understood some of your childhood programming, and why your self-esteem was so low. You’re now slowly but surely developing self-esteem, learning that you’re worthy, that you don’t need other people’s approval to feel good about yourself. You’re also willing to work on yourself, gain a sense of accomplishment, work toward calming your anxious mind etc. You’re on the right path, Felix, and are getting more mature with every passing day.
We can change – that’s the beauty of being human. You’re changing, you’re becoming more and more of your true self. Just keep going, with lots of patience and compassion for yourself, doing little steps that will make you feel good internally, happy and pleased about yourself, and more and more at peace… As I said, I am rooting for you!
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 