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This topic contains 650 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  anita 12 minutes ago.

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  • #297341

    lindsey
    Participant

    Regarding me,  moving to intimacy would basically be putting myself out there and being vulnerable, which is something I do not like to do.  K has stated it’s the same for him.  It will also increase my anxiety for sure.

    #297351

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    No, I didn’t ask what your ex husband did to you, how he abused you. I was asking if he is or has been abusing the children you share with him.

    Do your best to have patience with your kids, to not be “short tempered with them”. Your kids need your patient, kind, calm attention. Do your very best with them.

    “moving to intimacy would basically be putting myself out here and being vulnerable, which is something I do not like to do. K has stated it’s the same for him”- clearly, the way to proceed is to hold each other’s hand and slowly, gradually become vulnerable to each other, supporting and encouraging each other along the way, being a team, not two individuals struggling in two separate bubbles of fear.

    anita

     

     

    #297363

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    No he has never abused the children.  But they have witnessed way more than they should have.  Which is why I needed to move out.   I did not want them around us as we are toxic together.  I tried to do Easter as a family and have found that it really does not work.

    However, at Christmas my family is going to welcome him in their home and if I raise an issue they will say it’s for the kids.  Which yes it is.  And he would not say anything to me in front of my family, only when we are alone.

    Lindsey

    #297369

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I am glad you moved out, for your kids, so that they no longer witness what they did witness. I remember you shared the day after you moved to your own place, not long ago.

    anita

    #297401

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Did or do you ever think that you self-sabotage yourself? With anxiety I feel like there is almost a constant flight/fright going on in my body.  I think that when it is calm and things are normal and going well, I might try and create things to cause anxiety.

    Lindsey

    #297427

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    “when it is calm and things are normal and going well, I might try and create things to cause anxiety”- the anxiety is inside you, in between your ears, so when things outside your ears, outside your brain and body are calm, inside you are still anxious. We don’t really experience what is outside of us. We always experience what is inside of us. We experience nothing outside our brain.

    So look around you at any time and ask, are things calm,  am I behaving in a reasonable way? If yes, then try to relax so to fit your in-between-the-ears experience to what is happening outside of you.

    anita

    #297517

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I’m not exactly sure what’s going on today but I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack.  I feel like constant worry.  This morning I had worry about K not talking to me as much in the morning after he got here but I feel like I’m being irrational-how to you measure not talking enough and it doesn’t have to be talking to same amount of time every morning.  Then my mind starts to tell him he’s not going to talk to me anymore and I know this is not true.  I feel like I can’t get a handle on my panic and I have no idea why it’s doing this for no reason.  There is nothing stressful going on.

    Lindsey

    #297529

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Well, this is your opportunity to handle your anxiety right now, where you are. So you say “There is nothing stressful going on” – outside your brain, that is, so nothing for you to do outside of yourself, don’t ask K why he didn’t talk much to you.

    Do the inside work, because it is in-between-your-ears where the anxiety is going on. Take a few deep breaths, take a short walk outside if you can. Make yourself a hot herbal tea, something like that. Relax. And post again telling me what you did and how you feel after, if you want. I will be waiting.

    anita

    #297651

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Sorry for the delay in replying.  I was at work and started to feel like I was having a panic attack and about to cry.  I believe this was a build up from the stress of the weekend.  All week I found myself OCD’ing with thoughts about K  and checking text conversations over and over again.  I would analyze every conversation.

    I went home and took meds and slept for a few hours.  Then took the kids to the playground.  When I left work K sent a text shortly after asking if I had left work.  I never asked him if anything was wrong or why he wasn’t texting a lot.   I’m talking to my counselor today.  I have a need for constant reassurance.  Obviously I do not ask for it so the worry just boils over.

    Lindsey

    #297663

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    It is good you are not asking for constant reassurance, it will exhaust K and will provide only a temporary relief for you, at best. Plus you will be exhausting him and he will move away from you as a result. I hope you have a good session with your counselor today!

    anita

    #297707

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    i had a very good session with my counselor.  I am still getting bothered and tend to measure the lengths of my conversations with K. That is bringing the most anxiety. Today since I have been at work we have barely talked when yesterday or the day before we may have talked more at work. It makes my anxiety spike.

    Im trying to be positive and journal as she suggested.  I’m trying to remember positive things and not think foolish thoughts like over the course of a day or few days he is no longer interested suddenly.

    I find this extremely hard to manage. On hour I will be fine and thevnext hour I’m in a panic.  At some point she suggests having a conversation with him about my anxiety.

    Lindsey

    #297715

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    something not good I feel is going on.  K didn’t message at work so when I message him he was not talkative.  I sent him a text asking if everything was ok and he replied “just busy.”  this does not feel good at all.

    Lindsey

    #297717

    anita
    Participant

    Dear  Lindsey:

    “just busy” doesn’t read alarming to me. If you get to a place in you mind where you accept the possibility of this beginning relationship not progressing, if you get to be okay with it, you will not be alarmed and in panic daily over K.

    Think logically: most beginning relationships do end sooner than later, and most relationships of any length end by separation. So, statistically, nothing to do with you personally, it is possible that this too will end.

    Can you come to a peace-of-mind in this regard?

    It won’t hurt the relationship if you  do, it will help because you won’t be panicky and that can only help the relationship.

    anita

    #297719

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    OK I’m going to try and focus on it.  I really need to get to that place you are right.  I agree that a text stating “just busy” is not alarming.  However, when you text back and forth with someone multiple times a day, it’s odd.  So something is off, hopefully he is busy and just having a day where he doesn’t want to talk.  However, is this how he handles situations? Remember when the roommate’s ex came to town and he went off the grid so to speak and didn’t text for awhile?

    Lindsey

    #297721

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    As I read your recent post I remembered something my former therapist told me long ago. He told me that people don’t stay as close  to others all the time, that person A naturally feels and acts close one day to person B and more distant later in the day or in another day. There is no set closeness/ distance all day and every day.

    So it makes sense that K sometimes feels like communicating and close and later in the day or evening or the next day he doesn’t feel like communicating and doesn’t feel as close. It is natural, everyone is like this, even you!

    So keep this one principle of human emotions and behavior in mind, the closeness/ distance principle and the other thing- accept the possibility that like most relationships, this too might end. Realistic thinking is very helpful for those of us who tend to get anxious.

    anita

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