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This topic contains 419 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  anita 19 hours, 22 minutes ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 361 through 375 (of 420 total)
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  • #299817

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    yes I know a few people.  I will have to run it by my ex which I’m not in a hurry to do.

    Lindsey

    #299829

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I feel like my anxiety was trying to warn me or tell me something if I had really listened to it with K and especially with M.  For example, I woke up with anxiety last Wednesday remember?  The night before was when he came to my house tipsy and kind of hit on me I don’t know what you would call it.  Or the 2 times he didn’t call when we had plans.

    Is it possible for me to listen to my anxiety, almost embrace it instead of fighting it?

    Lindsey

    #299853

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    It is difficult to embrace anxiety because anxiety is a very unpleasant emotional experience. What you can do is to notice when you feel a spike in anxiety and then take time out, meaning you don’t react to it, ex., send a text to K. You take time out and calm yourself. First ask: where is the danger, the present-and-imminent danger, such as … a tornado approaching, or one of those huge crocodiles you might encounter In Florida next month, if you do visit. No danger- no (valid) fear, remember?

    Take that mental time out but a physical time out as well, if possible, such as a going on a short walk, or a long walk or drinking hot tea or ice tea.

    Take that time out, mental and physical, whenever you feel an increase in your anxiety.

    anita

    #299867

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Ok.  I’m feeling pretty awful.  My dad called and said I needed to stop the talking and texting back and forth with my mom because it was getting ugly, which I agree with.  I just don’t understand how it got this bad and how to fix it.  He said a mediator is not needed and would not agree to it for me and mom.  We agreed I would still come in August.  He said me and mom would not fight it would be fine.

    Also, I’ve seen K on 2 occasions at work today.  The first time today I thought well, he could have said hi even though we were kind of far away from each other.  This second time, he was walking with a coworker and I was sitting down in a chair on my phone and he could have definitely said hi to me.  My feelings are pretty hurt and I don’t understand.

    Lindsey

    #299871

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    So you do have visuals of K at work- not a good idea to start a relationship or a maybe-relationship with someone at the workplace. Give up on K, I say, just let it go, let go of the hopes, the whole thing.

    Lindsey, I will be away from the computer for a while. I wish I had a magic wand and make you feel good right now. (If I had that magic, I would make myself feel ecstatic and comfortable with ecstatic at all times)-

    Make it so you feel better for the rest of the day, a bit better every hour, will you?

    anita

    #299961

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I feel really tired today.  I don’t want to talk about K again I think you are right.

    Had the kids last night and until Sunday so we are busy.  Had pizza last night and watched TV just relaxed.

    My dad and cousin are saying that I need to get my meds checked and that they don’t think things are 100% right.  My cousin says she has seen a change in my behavior in the last year.  She understands everything that has been happening  with the separation from ex and the stress of it all.  She says I seem very angry with my ex and my mom and others.

    I’m just really confused.  I am angry and  my mom and my ex.

    Lindsey

    #299981

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey;

    Can’t cure anger with drugs, it doesn’t work! Anger needs to be expressed. The intensity of the anger will lessen when it is expressed intentionally, honestly and in a contained way. You can see how it works for you if you express it right here, in your thread. If you choose to do that, type away your honest feelings, your honest thoughts, without rational attempts to explain why.

    Type away whatever comes to mind and when you feel the sensations of anger, of strong emotion, describe those a bit, for example: my throat feels tight, or I feel dizzy. When you do feel too intense, stop, take a break. Don’t overdo it. Start with a bit here, and see where it takes you.

    anita

    #299985

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I would say I don’t feel any anger until I get around my mom or my ex.  When I get anxiety I also get OCD thoughts and behaviors and I’m not sure how to stop them without meds because when I get into the moment I’m not able to change my behaviors. I’m angry at my mom because:

    1. She is not loyal.  She has no boundaries with my ex.  She pretends to have the same relationship with him even though we are separated.

    2. Her behavior reinforces my ex’s behaviors as far as there are no consequences when he is abusive or rude.  No one tells him no besides me and he doesn’t listen.  He is still welcome in their home

    3.  Instead of facing what she has done wrong or trying to talk through things she says either I don’t want to talk about it anymore or you are right I’m wrong about everything.

    4. My dad gets really stressed out easily because of his panic disorder.  I’ve helped my mom in the past and talked with her when she has been really upset.  She’s been there for me too it’s just not consistent.

    5.  My mom doesn’t realize it but she holds my mental health issues against me because they are similar to my dad’s side of the family and she basically hates them.

    I don’t have tons of anger at my ex just overall irritation.  I feel like I have not really had actual feelings for M and K. I have been looking for anyone, someone to just make me feel better and not lonely.  I think it’s caused the opposite to happen.

    Lindsey

    #299987

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    When we are overwhelmed with anxiety, anger, when suffering from symptoms of anxiety, such as OCD, we do need medications so to make our emotional experience tolerable while attending therapy, and doing other non-pharmaceutical things to heal. One of the things that help us heal is expressing our emotions honestly and in ways that don’t hurt ourselves and others.

    You are welcome to keep expressing, in a more raw kind of way, here.

    But I do have something to say regarding your mother: I wished you were willing and able to cut all contact with her. That can help you a whole lot. Every time you interact with her, the anger is refueled so the fire of your anger keeps going. Stop contact, and you’ll be better for it. If your father disapproves of you cutting contact with your mother, be it. (He can continue his contact with her, you are not telling him to stop).

    And if you can end contact with your ex, having a mediator facilitate the custody of the children between you, as well as the divorce proceedings, do that. Otherwise, minimize contact with him.

    anita

    #299991

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Unfortunately I feel like I cannot cut 100% contact with my mom because of the kids.  I am going to cut as much contact as I can.  No more texting, calling, and limited visits.

    I do not have much contact with my ex unless it has to do with stuff for the kids.

    I have a lot of personal not really shame but just feel like I take a lot of steps back instead of forward.  My anxiety and OCD gets better and then comes back repeatedly.  While I feel sometimes I make improvements, it causes me to make decisions that are not in my best interest, or to hang on to things (like K) longer than I should and think about it afterward.

    Lindsey

     

    #299997

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    “Unfortunately.. I cannot cut 100% contact with my mom because of the kids”- I don’t understand. She lives in Florida, you live in another state/ a plane flight away, so she is not in their daily life, not their care-taker, they are not used to her being in their lives. Why then can’t you cut contact with her because of the kids?

    anita

    #299999

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    We go Florida for holidays and my parents and brother and sister come here for birthdays, some holidays etc.

    While I don’t see her on a daily basis at all, I would see her at holidays.  And I want my kids to see their grandparents.  My mom is a large part of my kids lives.  So I’m going to work around it.

    Lindsey

    #300001

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    How is your mother “a large part of my kids lives?-

    – aren’t you a bigger part of your kids’ lives?

    –  if the answer is yes-

    isn’t it better for your kids to have a CALM mother and no grandmother every day/week over an ANGRY and ANXIOUS mother with grandmother during occasional holidays and birthdays?

    anita

    #300009

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes but cutting out my mom means cutting out my dad and my siblings.  They are all a package deal-especially my mom and dad.  So I have to work on being calm and not anxious when I’m around her for me but especially for my kids sake.  All my relatives are in Florida.  Cutting out my mom 100% just isn’t possible for me.  So I have to work around it.

    Lindsey

    #300015

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    But it is possible for you to cut out your mother, and your father and whomever wants to be in that “package deal”-

    – you don’t want to do it.

    “So I have to work around it”- you tried to work around it for over twenty years and failed. You can’t work around it. It is like trying to work around a fire that is engulfing you. You are already in the fire, can’t work around it.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 361 through 375 (of 420 total)

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