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This topic contains 708 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 days, 8 hours ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 376 through 390 (of 709 total)
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  • #300023

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    It’s just not possible to cut out my family.  No one in the family is going to step away from my mother either.  I want to have some type of relationship with her in the future.  No one in our extended family would be supportive of this either.  It’s just not an option for me.

     

    Lindsey

    #300027

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    “I want to have some type of relationship with her” is what you honestly want, this is why you don’t want to end contact with her. I am making the point that it is an option for you to end contact with her, but you don’t want to choose that option.

    It is your right and your choice, of course, to continue your contact with her and I will not fight you over it, it is not my business. My business is honesty in my communication with you, this is why I am pointing out that you don’t want to, not that it is not possible for you. Do you agree with the distinction?

    anita

    #300029

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Absolutely I agree.  I don’t want to cut ties.  I mean of course it is possible.

    Lindsey

    #300031

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Well, keep in mind that it is possible. Who knows, maybe you will consider it some day since it is a possibility.

    Do you think that she and your future-ex have a meeting of the mind in regard to you, agreeing somewhat that Lindsey is the one with the problem and we (your mother and your to be ex) have something in common… a difficult person to deal with?

    anita

    #300035

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I think they used to have somewhat of a relationship close to that before the kids came due to my mental health issues.  I really struggled with depression until Aiden was born and I got on Vibryd which literally made me start seeing in color.

    I know their relationship started to change when the abuse started, which was when Ella was born.  My father has stated that they both to do not like him and only have a relationship with him because of the kids.  I don’t think she really texts back and forth with him or talks to him on the phone.  But she still acts and does things that I just don’t understand.

    Can you tell me why you think my anxiety basically is like it just drank 5 energy drinks whenever a there is a situation with a guy?  The anxiety has OCD tendencies with some mood changes.

    Lindsey

    #300039

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Lots of parents maintain good relationships with the ex partners of their adult children so to have access to the children. I would do that too, if I was  a grandmother seeking access to my grandchildren. Maybe that is all she is doing, I hope so.

    Why do you feel like you drank five energy drinks when there is a situation with a guy… whenever you hope for a relationship, you mean (?)- because the possibility of being in love and enjoying yourself is so exciting that it gets many of your neurons (nerve cells) super excited, too excited. Some people’s neurons get overly excited (mine do), so much so that positive anticipation of pleasure is uncomfortable.

    (I will soon be away from the computer for a while)

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  anita.
    #300225

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Counseling appointment went really well.  She thinks K has depression as I explained the situation.  She thinks there is a 50/50 chance he will reach out later.  We discussed me being more assertive with him if I continue a friendship (friendship only) He has all the hallmark signs of depression.  We talked about me not taking things personally with him.  Also about boundaries with men and for me to be careful.  ( I should not have asked him to sleep in the bed. I don’t really know him and he was drinking)  She was glad I did not allow anything further to happen.

    We discussed the situation with my mom and we are going to focus more in the future on working on my anger with her.  Also no more texting to her-not a good idea.

    Last we talked about the verbal abuse from my ex and how she is going to help me to not allow his remarks to influence or hurt me and to learn how to just basically swipe them away as they come flying.  If I’m not responding to his insults he will not continue.

    Lindsey

    #300227

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I liked your therapist input until I read your last paragraph- don’t agree with that part: when he throws verbal abuses at you, it is not a healthy solution to “swipe them away” (they won’t stay away from your mind, for one!). A healthy solution is to not be present in a situation where verbal abuse is thrown at you (a mediator will be a good idea in this regard).

    anita

    #300403

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I think my therapist means when I have to talk to him dropping/picking up kids or when he texts. But I am trying to cut off as much of that as possible.  And we are going to be meeting with the bank soon so he can put the mortgage in his name only, buy me out and give me half the equity.  That is the first step. Then I will be hiring a mediator to move forward with divorce.

    The weekend went really, really good with the kids.  We went to the movies, had lunch, ran some errands, walked around the pound in the apartment complex.  Pretty relaxing.

    I talked with K last night and he admitted to having depression.  He wants to hang out today and we set up some beginning frienship paramaters.  I told him I have anxiety.

    Talk soon,

    Lindsey

     

    #300407

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Good planning regarding your divorce; minimal contact, him placing the mortgage in his name and buying you out, followed by using a mediator.

    Excellent that you spent quality time with your kids, I am sure it meant a whole lot to them. Keep doing that, take the time and repeat.

    Regarding K, I hope he shares more with you about his depression and you share with him about your anxiety, not too much at this point, but some, and make it honest and simple to understand. The only hope for you and him being in a friendship/ relationship is if the two of you are motivated to help yourselves and each other and then proceed to do just that, keeping communication honest and effective.

    anita

    #300687

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Nothing to report pretty relaxed week so far.  Just checking hope all is well with you.

    Lindsey

    #300691

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I appreciate you checking- I am fine, thank you. Nothing to report and pretty relaxed week reads very good to me.

    anita

    #300941

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Have the kids this evening until Friday am and then Sunday afternoon.  Saturday going to a pool party with work friends so I’m excited about that I think it will be a lot of fun.

    So there was a guy I went to college with that over the last few years has either  liked or made comments on social media with me and has always been friendly.  He then started sending a few messages here and there on Instagram and a few days ago we just kind of starting talking more.  He gave me his number and we have talked quite a bit because he has 2 kids and just went through a divorce a few years ago so he was giving some advice.  I’ve seen K today no big deal, talked a bit.  All the sudden a little bit ago I started to feel anxiety and just pressure and this odd feeling that I did not want to keep talking with this guy.  I feel distrustful and I’m not sure why.  He is very nice, very good looking.  I mean we live in different states so there is that.  I’m just not sure where this is coming from.  Then I start to wonder is this how K was feeling towards me?  Did he just not want to talk to me and was feeling bad/guilty?  I just feel these butterflies in my stomach and I don’t know what to do.

    Lindsey

    #300943

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I will be able to read your recent post and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

    #301017

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    You have no evidence that this guy is distrustful but you feel that he is distrustful- it is called emotional reasoning when we think something is a certain way for no other reason except that we feel it is a certain way, no objective evidence to support our feeling. With no evidence whatsoever, I am thinking, you feel distrustful of him because your previous distrust with other people (before him) was activated.

    Does that make sense to you?

    anita

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