Menu

Need advice asap

HomeForumsRelationshipsNeed advice asap

New Reply

This topic contains 813 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 day, 14 hours ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 766 through 780 (of 814 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #326009

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Not sure where to start.  Time feels like it is going by super fast.  I hope you had a good Thanksgiving.  Mine was pretty low key and low stress.  My ex and I got along fine during brunch, then we took the kids to the movies, and I took them to a friends house to see her bunny.  They stayed the night with their dad because I had to work the next day.

    Some things have happened with K in the last few days that came to a head today.  He continued trying to reach out to me in small ways at work and I pretty much ignored.  However, he spoke with me directly yesterday thanking me for handling a file of his.  I blocked him from most of social media and he continued to view some of my pics on Instragram.  This morning I basically said to myself, I’m going to tell him exactly how I feel. So here is what I wrote:

    • “I need to get this off my chest.  Where things bothering me that I never said to you? yes.
    • Were you being an as*hole the last 2-3 weeks before I said leave me alone? yes.
    • Did I find out a few things I seem to need from someone I like that might be a little extra b/c of what happened to me in my marriage? yeah.  I found out that sometimes I need reassurance and that my anxiety sometimes flares up over dumb stuff and that I feel like anyone that enters my life will leave me or disappoint me? yes.
    • But I don’t know that I’m willing to ask anyone for reassurance. And you have a disease that you are not willing to get help for. And it effects all your relationships.  Do I blame you? Absolutely not. At 30 I was working at a horse barn for $9 an hour running away from all my problems.

    This morning he asked to talk with me.  I was really nervous so it’s kind of foggy in my head.  But I told him I was sick of riding on his roller coaster.  He is very up and down.  He would not address or discuss the stuff about him in my message.  I told him I’m not surprised at all about that.  He wanted me to not be upset with  him, basically for everything to be fine.  He didn’t want me to be mentally upset all the time with him or anything.  I told him that we were not dating so I’m not really upset it’s just we both have issues and I’m learning stuff about myself sense my divorce.  He agreed we both have issues and that going through a divorce is really hard.

    So what have I learned from this?  I’ve learned that sometimes not saying anything is the best closure.  That if you know what is going to happen or what has happened in the past, you shouldn’t be surprised that you feel disappointment and some sadness.  That’s exactly why I got off the ride.  I’m struggling to feel good about my self.  I’m struggling with the fact that I feel I have so many problems with my relationships.  So I’m taking tomorrow off as my one personal day off a month for me to refocus and try and feel better about myself.

    Lindsey

     

    #326013

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    “Some things have happened with K in the last few days that  came to a head today”- I read what happened, and… nothing happened.

    Same-old-same-old nothing.

    Don’t worry about it because (again) nothing happened.

    My Thanksgiving was low key as well. I hope you rest and enjoy your day off, maybe catch the movies?

    anita

    #326017

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Possibly a movie.  Definitely a pedicure.  Talk to you soon,

    Lindsey

    #326019

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I feel like I tend to make a bigger deal out of things than I should.  It’s like my brain is a magnifying glass emotionally.  Do you think it’s from anxiety?  I’m just trying to figure out if this stuff has always been here.  It’s frustrating because I feel like things that happened to me in my marriage has continued to put my anxiety on steroids per say.  I also wrote something above.

    Lindsey

    #326029

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Possibly a movie, definitely a pedicure is a good enough plan for tomorrow.

    Magnifying the negatives is the name of one of the thought distortions I was taught in CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a common thing the brain does, magnifying something negative and then getting overwhelmed by how big it is. When it really is not big.

    Your anxiety started before your marriage, when your mother expelled you out of her life. You were not prepared for it. Then came your marriage.

    anita

    #326139

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    last night I get a phone call around 8am. K is calling and asking me if I was following him around at work today.  Obviously this is not true a very ugly conversation followed.  He said some really awful things like he heard I drove by Marks house and went crazy etc.

    I told him again to leave me alone. I blocked his number and blocked him on all my social media. I want to ask to move desks at work.

    i feel really really awful right now. Physically and mentally.

    lindsey

    #326143

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    What an unpleasant development! This put the E to the Ending of this whatever-it-was with K.

    You now have a reputation at work, having dated/kind-of-dated Mark and K, two male co  workers. Do have your desk moved so you are no longer sitting anywhere close to K, and remove any and all  ideas of romantic relationships with any co  worker, now and forevermore.

    The key now is damage control. Do not escalate the situation in any way. Zero contact with K. Make it clear to him, if you haven’t so far, that there will be zero contact between the two  of you.

    Damage control for the rest of the day. Let me know how it works.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #326183

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Damage control status:

    1. The rumors about mark were not going all around the office like he said.  I spoke with 2-3 different people this morning that r friends from different areas/friend groups/male and female if there were any rumors 8 months ago. All of them said no not at all.

    2. It doesn’t appear I have a reputation in the office  and I never dated K.
    3. absolutely no more men dating/possible dating in the office.

    4. Moving desk pending work tomorrow. It’s a big deal to move your desk and people will talk so need to make sure it’s needed.

    Lindsey

    #326187

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Excellent Damage Control Status Report (DCSR). I know you didn’t really date these two co workers and I figure there is a lot of inter-company sort of dating/ hanging out situations for a good number of employees, past and present, so don’t lose sleep over this. But I do hope you can meet a decent, interested man elsewhere. 

    “People will talk”- if they do talk about you, it will be temporary as something new comes up, some other story, some other person to talk about.. and then the talker gets her turn too, to be talked about.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #326279

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Feeling back to square one.  All the negative things that come with my anxiety back. Because I never seem to learn. Same mistakes over and over again.  So old.
    I am not able to avoid doing  destructive things. I’m hit over the head with not a good idea but I do it anyway because I’m desperate for male affection.

    Changing all my routes at work. Not walking around.  Not leaving desk. Wearing headphones.

    Lindsey

    #326283

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    You are being way too hard on yourself. It is not true that you “never seem to learn”- you made lots of good choices in regard to K over time and other good choices in other areas.

    “because I’m desperate for male affection”- how many millions of people make poor choices because they are desperate for affection, men and women in all parts of the world, all walks of life, anywhere and everywhere, including most if not every single person at your workplace.

    And you should walk around from time to time, it’s not good to stay seated for hours!

    anita

    #326309

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I appreciate your message.  You are always kind and at the same time direct.  It’s what I need.  I am too hard on myself; I except a lot from myself.   Changing “I never seem to learn” to “red flags were there from the beginning.  In the future, learn to listen to your intuition and it will save much future distress.”

    I will walk today, it will just be in a different area from my normal walk.  I hope your day is going well.

    Lindsey

    #326313

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    You are welcome. You did an excellent job in your recent post changing the way you evaluate yourself and the situation, from being unrealistic and hard on yourself to being realistic and kind to yourself. See, how you do learn!

    My day is fine so far, still dark out but I can see the outline of trees.

    anita

     

    #327683

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    How are you?

    anita

    #327713

    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita!

    I am well and hope you are too.  Today consisted of a long walk and buying an aloe plant. Thinking of getting one for my boss for Christmas; I really  like this plant. It’s the little things I guess lol.  Making some salads for lunch this week and planning for Wednesday at work.  Our section is having a Christmas food day and I’m bringing in deserts.

    After that odd and troubling thing with K I retreated a bit and the slowly made my way back.  I avoid him and he sat his plant I bought him on a coworkers desk who brought  it to me and was like what the hell.  So I just took it back and have more plants lol.   I’ve definitely moved on and learned some lessons.  Work is very busy just focused on that and the kids.  I may have found a townhouse over the weekend I’ll keep you posted.

    The yoga and goats was awesome if I didn’t tell you.  Talk soon,

    Lindsey

Viewing 15 posts - 766 through 780 (of 814 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.