Dear cali sister:

Congratulations on two weeks of No Contact !!

I hope you are calmer now, as I type this. And as you are reading this. I hope you tell me more about this “very anxious today”. I will put together this post from yesterday material for you to read whenever you are able.

anita

Dear cali sister:

Well, you are getting my undivided attention now and for as long as you need it today (before I go for my walk and such later on).

But I know you want a man’s attention, this is what you were referring to, specifically A’s attention. Part of it is (and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it at length, but have to mention it) is your sexual needs, as the young woman that you are. Even if you are not aware of that need, of that energy that draws you to A, it is still there. I wasn’t aware of it but I felt it nonetheless I remember, when I was a teenager. It felt like life stirring inside, an excitement building, a sort of happiness but nowhere to go and nothing to do about it. I mean, I didn’t have a boyfriend. I only dreamed of  one. If you look at the animal world, this sexual excitement drives animals to all kind of rituals and efforts and whatnot, all  leading to the act and then they are done and attend to other things. Let’s look at you at work, you experience all this excitement and then, well, no rituals, no final act, so something has to give= anxiety.

Should I be writing this on email???

anita

Dear cali sister:

Okay, if you feel more comfortable there. Email me then?

anita

Dear cali sister:

In early 2018 you wrote about your thoughts regarding your pup: “‘oh my, you have a dog now so shouldn’t this make you so happy”- you pressured yourself to feel happy, that is, you were trying to force yourself to experience happiness.

Continued quote: “‘… and you shouldn’t get tired of him and want to do your own thing bc you love dogs”- you are policing your own emotions: I should feel this, I shouldn’t feel that. And you are trying to force yourself to never feel this and always feel that: I must never get tired of him, I must always spend time  with him.

You have unrealistic expectations of yourself regarding the experience of emotions: no one never gets tired of their dog/ any one human. Everyone needs a time  out from .. everyone, from time to time.

Plus emotions don’t respond well to self-policing, to force and should-feel and shouldn’t-feel.

Continued quote from early 2018: “having him at home is giving me a lot of anxiety and stress bc I constantly feel like I am not feeling the way I should about him (I should be happier and more overwhelmed with happiness when I see him at home”-

-again, this is not working and cannot possibly work. You can’t force yourself to feel happy. When you force yourself, the opposite is the result: you don’t feel “overwhelmed with happiness”, you feel “a lot of anxiety and stress” instead.

Therefore, focus and pay attention to no longer trying to feel this or that and to … never try to force yourself to always feel X and never feel Y. When you notice that you are thinking these things, counter the thoughts with the sensible thinking about forcing emotions being an effort that is destined to fail.

In Jan 2018 you wrote: “Today I panicked.. because I did not know how to behave… I do not know how to behave with regards to people and activities”- when that happens- if you allow yourself to  feel as you feel, no forcing- you will know how to behave.

I think it was Dec 2017 that you shared about an experience you had at that time and how it felt: “I felt like calisister was the one who was important and protected… I did not feel like I was just throwing my body and emotions out there as if they were worthless”- when you were a child, your emotions were treated as worthless, or wrong. I am guessing that led to you trying to force yourself to feel X and to not feel Y.

When an animal in nature is attacked, the animal runs away or fights. When calisister the child was attacked (by her own mother), young calisister didn’t run away from her mother (not an option). She didn’t fight her mother (not an option for a young child), so instead-

1) Her emotions ran away, so she didn’t feel anything was real (Nov 2017: “My least favorite part about my anxiety is that I feel like I’m never really feeling the emotions that I am feeling.. I never think anything is real… I can never indulge or be present”).

2) She started fighting her emotions, declaring them wrong and trying to force herself to (always) feel this and (never) feel that.

anita

Dear cali sister:

The steps:

1) Like you wrote: “print this out and re read it every night” and maybe every morning and during the day as well, at least parts of it, a sentence of two.

2) Every time you notice that you feel uncomfortable, distressed, ask yourself: am I trying to force myself to feel X? To not feel Y?- if you notice that you are trying to force X- imagine yourself relaxing your twisting-your-own-arm motion and literally feel your arms relaxing.

3) If you ask yourself the above and you get no answer, you are clueless or removed, not knowing, nothing feels real,  then in that case, take the (figurative) elevator down from your head and to your heart: for a few moments, purposefully do not think (ex., what am I feeling, what is wrong with me) but instead, just feel.

By “just feel” I don’t mean trying to figure out what you are feeling, finding a label to it, happy, sad, etc. What I mean by “just feel” is do-not-think. Whatever is left if you don’t think is feeling. Don’t look for a label. Instead, experience what you feel in a non-verbal way. Similar to how your pup is experiencing feelings- he doesn’t put words to  it.

(Do that for a few moments each time, it is not possible to do it for very long, to not think, that is. At least  it is not possible for an anxious person to do this for long).

anita