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New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world

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Viewing 15 posts - 226 through 240 (of 298 total)
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  • #318641
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    I am processing everything you have written. Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you. Write soon. Good night.

    #318645
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    And I was just thinking of you! Good night, cali sister. I will be here tomorrow morning.

    anita

    #318675
    cali sister
    Participant

    Anita,

    I dreamt vivid dreams that I responded to a letter from parents and went home. – saw all the details that I hated. Experienced all the feelings that I hated. Parrot was saying things as if i had written a script. It was all so real. In the dream, I was in the car on the way to some type of Hindu festival. And I was writing to you – saying, oh no is this a setback, why did I do this, get me out of here. And then…. I woke up.

     

    I look outside my window and at 6 am on a Saturday I see someone else’s bedroom light on. I think – that person can be doing anything. They are free to wake up at any time they want and do literally any thing. If it’s reading, painting, or just sitting. It’s their life and they are free. And…. so am I. Wow.

    What has happened Anita, which I’m sure is common, is that I keep forgetting about the impact of this NC. How it needs to be processed and dealt with and celebrated. The nightmares, the anxieties, the random revelations – it’s all a part of the process and I feel that I may he ignoring the process.

    So – I would like the focus of the next couple posts to be the NC. And what it means. I feel as though I did it- and then continued to worry about all my other problems. But no- I want to explore it. And experience it. For example – last night I was so anxious while walking pup on my street. Every black SUV I saw, my heart stopped. One of them honked their horn, I jumped and was so startled.

    I feel moments of sadness throughout the day when I remember that my entire old chapter  of my life is gone. Almost like it didn’t exist?

    NC must be explored more  – I feel like I just glossed or jumped over it. I want to explore freedom. This new world.

    does this make sense?

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by cali sister.
    #318691
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    When I posted to you last night right after you said goodnight,  I wrote you a reminder about the NC, that it was 15 days of  no contact and then I thought to myself: maybe it is not a good idea to remind you of this right before you go to bed so that you don’t think about it, so I deleted that part. It is interesting your dreamed about it and so vividly (without my reminder).

    Yes, it does make sense to explore more this huge step you took toward freedom, absolutely. There is this “entire old chapter” of your life and here is a 16 day new chapter: the old and the new.

    “my entire old chapter of my life is gone. Almost like it didn’t exist?”- the life in you that existed then still exists, only now it if free. Where the shackles were placed on you, the pain is still there, bruising, painful memories and wounds that are still bleeding. But the shackles are gone, the chains.

    There is nothing good about all that misery you experienced in chapter 1, it is a tragedy, much like my own. All you can do with it now, or use it for, is to understand the human condition because suffering in childhood is very common, so many people suffering. Maybe even that person whose bedroom light this morning was on early, looking at the light from your window.

    But this is your story, here, a story for you to engage in, with curiosity and interest. What is there to learn, what is there to do now differently, now that you are in chapter two…?

    anita

     

    #318739
    cali sister
    Participant

    Hi Anita-

    Difficult for me to write today. Thoughts should be more in order tomorrow.

    I hope you are having a wonderful Saturday.

    #318747
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    That’s okay, write later, tomorrow. I am sitting by the fire now (woodstove) at the end of the day, listening to nice music. Will be back to the computer tomorrow morning. 16 days of NC- proud of you!

    Good night sweet cali sister.

    anita

    #318811
    cali sister
    Participant

    good morning anita,

    16 days of NC.

    I struggle with the supermarket – fresh produce. Yesterday, at the orchard, a deep feeling of sadness came over me (the only way I can describe it because that is exactly how it feels).

    My father would have loved a place like that. He would have really enjoyed it – and would have gotten us anything we wanted to eat. He would have loved the pizza truck. As this feeling came over, I took deep breaths and spoke to myself. I said, “One more experience, one more day will not be spent on feeling bad/sad about them. Will not be dulled by them. Your life thus far has been all about them. Each experience saddened by them, in a variety of ways. No more. This experience is for you and yours to enjoy.” Throughout the day, those feelings would return at certain moments and then go away. This was my life. I remember vividly in college one day, it was one of the first beautiful days of spring. My friends asked to go to happy hour after class (I lived at home during this time). The entire time I was with them, I felt guilty that since it is the first nice day out, my mom would have loved to go to the park. I felt bad that I did not go to the park with my mom (would we have gone even if I went home – probably not). I realize that – perhaps I am not only projecting me onto pup – but also my mother. That guilt of her being home always. She would say when my father would get home from work, “I have been home all day, let’s go somewhere.” I think – this is it. It is her – it is parrot that I am projecting. That burden to take care of. Like my sister projected on me. I project on pup.

    I look at the apples I picked this morning, taking some out to give my sister. The same sad feeling again. How my father would always buy fruits for me from the supermarket. How he enjoyed cutting an apple for me to bring to school/work. What is he doing now? I hope he is okay – I can’t help but wonder. I miss him..I think? I hope he is ok ——- a feeling that I have spent the last 27 years with. Always worrying about him, if hes ok – as if he is a child. This feeling of sadness – so familiar. At the NC — one of the points of the NC – is to no longer feel this way. To be free, this rebirth. It all takes time. As I sit here, it is like deja vu of me sitting in my old room, feeling this exact same way when he was in the next room over. This is a feeling that has been ingrained in me, and with time and speaking with you – it will be able to go away.

    So. This new world. I feel moments of it, and when I do – it feels nice. Chapter two. Hm….

     

    #318853
    cali sister
    Participant

    I also want to write this –

     

    we were emailing about this sadness. It’s almost scary the switch from that sadness to feeling ok. If almost seems fake when I feel happy again. But It’s not. But like I said. It’s almost freaky. These switch of emotions. How at one moment I felt so distressed – that nothing would get better. And now I am cleaning, cooking, walked pup.

    Weird switch. Feels unreal. Or unhealthy

     

    how funny that you emailed me about this same thing. Just now. !! WOW! Yes. That bad feeling did pass and I felt good again.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by cali sister.
    #318857
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    It is amazing reading your recent post after the email I just sent you about how feelings don’t stay forever, how they change, even in the same day. I wrote that to you before reading this post.

    I will shut down the computer and be back Monday morning.

    *And I am editing too- just read the edit in your post, before I edited this one!

    anita

    #318951
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    Regarding your post from yesterday to which I didn’t respond yet:

    “My father would have loved a place like that. He would have really enjoyed it- and would have gotten us anything we wanted to eat… How he enjoyed cutting an apple for me to bring to school/ work”- when you have thoughts like this about your father, and the tender feelings that go with it, balance these with other thoughts: yes, he would have gotten you anything you wanted to eat, and he did feed you for years, he cut you apples,  but he didn’t protect you from your mother for all those years.

    And when you reached out to him for help, regarding the OCD… he didn’t help. So what is the point of him buying you anything when he took away your very ability to enjoy anything.

    You spent so much time “feeling bad/ sad about them (parents)”- but they did not feel bad/ sad about you, all those years.

    You wrote that your “life thus far has been all about them”- but your mother’s life since you were born to her was all about her, and your father’s life… has been all about her as well. And who was alone and lonely all those years while living with them?

    You wrote about how you felt guilty going to happy hour after class on the first nice day of the season, while still living with your parents, “my mom would have loved to go to the park”- same mother who uninvited you on outings again and again? Same mother who wanted you out when she expected company? And who complained she didn’t have the privacy to entertain a man she had an affair with, you being in-her-way?

    Bring in balancing thoughts when you have thoughts that.. need to be balanced so that Reality is kept in awareness.

    I suppose you have been projecting parrot into pup, but then there was very little of you in that home of your childhood, you wrote that you read a journal you kept a long time ago and all your thoughts were your mother’s (and sister’s), so who you really project into pup is you. It is you who was lonely for and needy of your mother, not the other way around.

    anita

     

     

    #318953
    cali sister
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    yes – and this is what I practiced when I had those thoughts that day. Refocusing them. I know with time they will get less.

    now back to baseline boredom. I think this may be my biggest priority right now. Esp after I felt the way I did yesterday.

    #318957
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    Let’s try to understand this “baseline boredom” better. A few days ago (10/17) you wrote: “I am just getting fed up. I just want something to happen”-

    When you were out to a music concert recently- did something happen? At the apple orchard?

    Can you tell me of when-and-where things did happen for you?

    anita

    #318997
    cali sister
    Participant

    dear anita,

    Glad to elaborate. When I say something happen, I mean an a life event of some sort to happen to me. I guess though – they have. New friends. New city. New job. I am over powered I guess with this want for romantic relationship that I forget about the others and that they are indeed “something that happened.”

    This over emphasis comes from parrot, of course. She instilled a false definition of love in me – and she too searched her whole life for this love. Endless searching because it is a search for something that does not exist. She taught me to always wait for something..that there was always something coming…there is more. Life was about waiting for the next thing – because right now was not good.

    This is instilled in me so I naturally wait. Have to rewire to understand reality.

    #319009
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    A few quotes, what you wrote December 2017-Jan 2018 (The italicizing is mine), and my input:

    About safety: “I struggle a lot with needing romanticism in my life in order to feel safe. This feeling of ‘safe’ is something I’ve pondered about for a while. I attribute it to trying to almost find a motherly caretaker in a man. I want to be taken care of and feel safe“.

    About the void: “I did not hold myself highly enough and I was afraid of the void… I’m searching for something to fill that void. I’m trying to find it in a man bc idk where else to do it”

    About your childhood home : “That feeling of love and safety. I’ve never had it. Not my entire life… Parents and others have always made me feel uneasy and unsafe… worry about my dad’s death or my mom’s loneliness…everything is a catastrophe”.

    My input: the void is the lack of safety. You need safety. How to get it?

    —> Become the parents you needed but didn’t have, to yourself and to others:

    – be a calming presence to others, be dependable/ reliable/ in control of what you say and do, make sensible choices, be empathetic to yourself and to others, be mindful: one task at a time, pay attention to what you do, here and now. Do that and there will be no baseline boredom.

    anita

    #319013
    Anonymous
    Guest

    P.S. I know, I know-easier said than done but no other way to fill that void.

    anita

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