December 6, 2013 at 11:46 am #46311
I’m back! I feel like I come here way too often but it ALWAYS helps. I always walk away feeling good about someone’s advice on this board, so here it goes again.
I’ve been single for about 3 years now. Single mom. Blah blah blah. I think after my last post I had 2 pointless short 1 month relationships. One took me by surprise and I had my heart broken the other was just meh. After trying online dating and crushes I decided I’m done even trying. I can’t take anymore embarrassment or humiliation that comes with rejection. I deactivated my online profiles and have decided to just turn down any unexpected dates. They always end up being a waste of my time in the end. I’m having a hard time with this decision because I want to get married and have more children. All of my friends are in relationships and I hate the way they approach me or how most people approach me. It’s at the point where I don’t even want a BF just so I can prove you can be happy being single. You don’t need to cling to another human being to be happy. Men can get away with being single but with women they look at you like you’re some kind of leper .
I don’t know what else to do. I don’t think I was meant to be with another person. I am so used to being on my own that I think it would be easier to accept myself as I am then to picture myself getting married one day. It just hurts too much. I feel like I failed my daughter by not providing her with an adequate father.
I have recently had so many job opportunities thrown at me. Similar situations. I was at the point of giving up but kept going and applying until I couldn’t take it anymore. Now I am getting phone calls from all these great places. I wonder if love is the same way. They say it comes when you’re not expecting it but I think that’s BS nothing I ever got has just fallen into my lap. I’ve had to work hard for everything. And any guy who’s come my way when I wasn’t expecting it ends up being a waste of time.
Should I continue to give up? I don’t know what to do.
Thank you for reading this i appreciate any feedback or anyone in a similar positionDecember 6, 2013 at 1:03 pm #46312cesarParticipant
Try to focus on your job opportunities and your personal growth before trying to find someone. I’m in a similar boat. I’m trying to reconnect with myself and be my own best friend before I even think about meeting anyone else. I think Thats more important. love works in mysterious ways our job is too not try and figure it out. when it happens it happens. and when it does embrace it.December 6, 2013 at 7:12 pm #46348AlParticipant
My indulging belief: live with absolute pursuit of what makes you happy. For me, however, it is fortunately and unfortunately ALL of life. I absolutely love all of it; the entire experience. I am excited to be exposed to something new each and every day and I find joy and bliss in all that I am allowed to leisurely pursue (which is EVERYTHING and ANYTHING!). I apologize for my excessive enthusiasm (if it can be sensed through this writing,at least) but I get overjoyed when talking about life.
And another apology for my deviation. To answer you I will share a quote you’ve probably read on the internet: Don’t find love, let love find you. That’s why it’s called ‘falling’ in love because you don’t force yourself to fall, you just fall. A bit corny but I believe in these words. Live your life out simply and if love is supposed to be part of your life then it will find you. 🙂
AlDecember 6, 2013 at 7:42 pm #46349
Thank you for the replies and your advice. I appreciate your perspectives. I’ve been experiencing a lot of “be careful what you wish for” scenarios. Everything I’ve ever wanted is manifesting and once it arrives I’m so uncertain and overwhelmed. I will probably come back here and complain in a few months that I’m overwhelmed with men who love me. LOL if only haha 😉 ill keep u postedDecember 6, 2013 at 9:28 pm #46353
In a past post you mentioned. Not feeling worthy of having a relationship or something to that effect. Do you still feel the same now?December 6, 2013 at 9:47 pm #46354
Hi Joseph! Yeah I have been working on my self worth but I don’t feel at times wife or girlfriend material.December 8, 2013 at 7:07 am #46386cesarParticipant
I can relate to how you feel, my self confidence is at an all time low after my break up. I had dated my supposed “soul mate” for 8 years and she completely changed her entire life and outlook the last year of the relationship, I had began to think that I was the cause of her change because it was so radical. she became a completely different person, I felt like I was living with a stranger. I never felt so alone and helpless, then she casually broke up with me, it was like she was talking about a old pair of jeans that she decided to toss in the trash. My world crumbled, was the last 8 years of my life with this supposed “soul mate of mine a lie? a huge waste of my energy love and soul? I’m in the process of slowly moving out of state as we share an apartment and I’m ready to leave her and put her behind me. But is Very hard after 8 years of memories mostly good. right now I’m feeling that I will never find anyone to love like that again, that who would ever know me like she did, why would I open myself to that kind of pain again? I’m trying to put her in a small box and put that box on a shelf in a tiny corner of my mind. Easier said than done, I’m trying to reconnect with myself because over the years I had to put my desires and wants aside for the relationship. right now I have no idea what my passions are or who I am with out her.
and this is what I have to rediscover before I can open my heart to someone else. My heart comes first is it selfish? every time I go out I keep seeing couples in love what I had not to long ago. Now I’m alone and wondering if I’m going to die a lonely man. All my positive thinking and work is ruined by one stray thought.
I can completely sympathize with you and my heart goes out to you as we share a similar pain. what helps me is knowing that we are not alone and we can come to this site and support each other, we are complete strangers here but share a common pain and we can take comfort and support each other and know that someone is there for us. Stay positive and strong Straight No Chaser.December 8, 2013 at 7:26 am #46387
What does it take to become wife/girlfriend material for someone?
And what does it take for a guy to be husband/boyfriend material for you?December 8, 2013 at 1:57 pm #46396
Cesar I am very sorry to hear that and appreciate your support. I don’t have much to say because I think it’s amazing you have experienced the kind of long that spanned 8 years. I haven’t had any relationship anywhere as long.
I think you will be okay. I know all that time spent feels like a waste of time but you learned so much. I find men who have dated long term usually are really good with women. I think you will find love again but you might need to let loose for a while. I also find men who just got out of something serious aren’t ready for another relationship. You might find yourself in a similar situation.
I feel like when it comes to relationships the ball is in the guys court. Is that just my perception? I feel like its never up to me. That’s why I feel like you will have no problem finding love again but can’t say the same for myself. I’m glad we have this site and each other. ThanksDecember 8, 2013 at 2:07 pm #46397
You gave me a lot to think about. I feel no better than a whore at times. I feel like no guy wants to marry a whore. a wife would be pure and innocent. I feel ashamed. I feel unworthy of love. I feel like guys can use me until the real thing comes along. I notice I lie to myself a lot and let whoever take the reigns of the relationship because I don’t want them to think I’m too pushy and trying to hard. I really don’t know how to behave. I know I can be myself but sometimes I’m worried they can’t handle me. I don’t know why it’s easier for me to make friends then to date.
Boyfriend material? I found this interesting. I don’t know what boyfriend material would be. Husband material would be a partner, a best friend, someone who could be a decent father. Honest, hardworking, loyal.December 8, 2013 at 9:31 pm #46446
@StraightNoChaser Great response.
I’d like to start with the last part. Husband material , partner, best friend, honest, good father, hardworking, loyal. All good qualities. Also the type of person who should be able to handle you as you say.
My suggestion, be yourself, it feels good, and if someone can’t handle you, then they are not husband material and not worth your time.
If a person is just using you then that also is a deal breaker and they are not husband material. You kind of know when it’s happening, so once you realize it you may want to move on.
You used some very harsh words for yourself. I dated a girl who thought of herself that way and did some self destructive things to prove herself right. In particular she considered herself a whore because she slept with three guys in one night. There is a name for a guy who does something like that “Awesome”.
I don’t believe men should be lauded for promiscuous behavior but I also don’t think women should get a bad wrap for it either. Whatever you do or have done it’s fine no need to judge. The girl I dated who told me about the three guys in one night, I don’t think any less of her, she is really great, she happens to regret it but even if she didn’t who cares. Some guys may care and some guys won’t. Date the guys who don’t judge you for whatever behavior you think made you feel like calling yourself a whore.
And most importantly don’t judge yourself. I think you did the best with whatever state of mind and circumstances were going on at the time.
By the way, what lies do you tell yourself?December 11, 2013 at 1:28 am #46579M@ryParticipant
I do believe that love comes when you least expect it. I’m 32 and only had 2 serious relationships. One lasted 1 year, the last one lasted 5 years. And they both started when I had given up on love because of being hurt by men, and started not to care about men anymore, and just enjoy my life. Looking back, I met my boyfriends when I was happy with myself, being busy, doing things I enjoyed, while not even thinking about finding love.December 11, 2013 at 1:05 pm #46594JadeParticipant
. I feel no better than a whore at times. I feel like no guy wants to marry a whore. a wife would be pure and innocent. I feel ashamed. I feel unworthy of love. I feel like guys can use me until the real thing comes along.
Ahhh this line made me flail a little, because I have a friend who is an actual literal whore (aka a sex worker) and let me tell you, she is a delightful and intelligent woman with a hilarious boyfriend who loves her very much… Personally, any man who judges me for how many/how often I sleep with other people is not worth my time. A real man accepts that we all have complex pasts and that numbers don’t matter.
My friend, why shouldn’t whores deserve partners who respect and adore them? And if they do, so of course you do too! If finding the right person means focusing on being the very best version of you for a while, then do it! I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years now and I STILL think I was the better version of myself when I was single (I was a little more brazen, a little less soft) so don’t feel like being in a relationship is what it’ll take to make you feel peaceful and complete. There are other ways!December 11, 2013 at 1:35 pm #46596
Thank you all again for your replies! I think you might be on to something Mary, since I’ve been so turned off of dating I am meeting better people. and they are coming to me! I went on a date last week with a guy I’ve been msging for two months. I didn’t feel like he was into me and it made me feel weird. I felt weird because I didn’t really care. I thought he could possibly be a good friend. Another part of me felt like just because he wasn’t trying to get in my pants that night I thought he wasn’t into me. I found it sad that this is how I’ve been basing most of my relationships on. If they want to bang me they like me and I’m always blindsided. I’ve been with dozens of men so it took this for me to realize that a guy who’s interested will want to get to know me! Duh!!!
I have to say to Joseph and Jade your comments really made me think and feel good. Joseph, you seemed to hit the nail on the head.this should of been so obvious. The right person for me won’t care and won’t judge me. I guess I was trying to fit into society norms or what I think I see around me or what’s on TV. I never once considered that the right guy for me is the right guy for ME, as an individual. I was trying to put a square peg in a round hole.
Jade, your comments made me feel a lot better as well. There is someone for everyone and it came at the right moment because it was right after Joseph’s point which proves there is nothing wrong with being sexually active. I was so ashamed of this for so long. I think you are 100% right and I am thankful you took the time to reach out to me 🙂
what I have read in the last week has made a tremendous impact on my self esteem. I really do consider everyone’s opinion and I sit back and mull it over in my head. I don’t know why I didn’t see it this way before.
I have a second date with someone tonight. I spilled my guts to him and was 100% myself and he asked me out for a second date. There was no sex exchanged and we just talked for 5hrs. With every date I am learning more.